The Line Between Teasing and Abuse

[Omegahero09]

Assist me in defining some terms and understanding friendships and abuse?

 

What is the difference between teasing and abuse? Is teasing universally preferable? Or is it an activity what's harm is entirely subjective to the circle of friends or persons involved?

 

Stef teases Mike all the time in their podcasts, could friendly teasing be a marker of trust and friendship on a deeper level?

[ParaSait]

If the teaser stops teasing if his subject tells him to, it's really teasing. If he doesn't stop, it's bullying.

Teasing is voluntary, but the agreement is simply unspoken.

[Wuzzums]

Guys tease each other all the time. Actually I've never seen women tease each other, they do partake in the behavior except not with each other. I think it's a sign of knowing each other's boundaries or knowing each other very well. Sort of like a silent understanding of "I know that you know that I'm not being serious right now".

[FireMinstrel]

I'm female, and have teased female friends from time to time.  However, I've discovered to my chagrin that they're more likely to take things personally and internalize it until they either explode, or I find out indirectly that I've hurt their feelings.  Either way, I stop.

With guys, they tend to be more cool with it, and if they are upset, the rest of us see that right away.  That's been my experience, anyway.

[NotDarkYet]

Great topic!  

 

My guy friends give eachother shit all the time.  It's fun.

 

But...

 

My older brother (15 years older) would make me feel like the most worthless piece of shit - - under the guise of "teasing".

 

Pure injustice.

 

What is the difference?   Equality.  If two people are at the same 'level' they can tease each other.  If not, it's bullying.

[dsayers]

I'm actually troubled by how much deprecation is considered to be entertaining. Teasing seems to me to be a way of recreating past trauma. It's fundamentally win-lose.

[MMX2010]

I'm actually troubled by how much deprecation is considered to be entertaining. Teasing seems to me to be a way of recreating past trauma. It's fundamentally win-lose.

 

I can appreciate your perspective.  In my childhood, my father would always do the teasing - but he's also the major source of my (and my family's) trauma. 

 

But I think there's something special about only letting certain people tease me. 

[Psychophant]

If the teaser stops teasing if his subject tells him to, it's really teasing. If he doesn't stop, it's bullying.

Teasing is voluntary, but the agreement is simply unspoken.

 

Since the agreement is unspoken, it is abuse from the begining. In general terms. Otherwise it would be like saying that theft is not theft if the person stops when being told to do so. In theory there is the possibility that the shop owner agrees with someone´s shop lifting but you cannot take it for granted, just because he does not say a thing.

 

 

Abuse is not bullying, because bullying is defined by:

Bullying is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively dominate others.

 

 

Bullying is a means to abuse but a lack of force threat or coercion is simply abuse.

[shirgall]

To me the difference between teasing and abuse is contempt. Someone who feels contempt for someone else will tease to hurt them, which is really abuse. What underscored this for me was the short-lived by generally good TV series Lie To Me.

[cynicist]

Teasing can be playful if you know the other person well and they know that you have their best interests in mind. If I get teased by someone at work who barely knows my name it tends to be because they want to put someone down while appearing to be 'friendly'. I think the OP nailed it when he mentioned 'marker of trust' because in my opinion trust is exactly what enables you to tease without being abusive, or as Wuzzums noted, it's how you know whether the other person is serious or not.

 

It might help to imagine a stranger teasing you. What would you think of that person? 

[dsayers]

Teasing can be playful if you know the other person well

 

If person A knows person B well, surely they can find a way to be playful that isn't mechanically identical to abuse, eh? If we lived in a world where children were parented peacefully, would humans even know what teasing means or how to do it?

[Psychophant]

If person A knows person B well, surely they can find a way to be playful that isn't mechanically identical to abuse, eh? If we lived in a world where children were parented peacefully, would humans even know what teasing means or how to do it?

 

 

Yeah, there are also circumstances known where the initiation of violence is voluntary instead of being a form of force. In general terms it is the initiation of force.

 

Teasing is particularly painfull if someone doubles the abuse by downplaying it.

[cynicist]

If person A knows person B well, surely they can find a way to be playful that isn't mechanically identical to abuse, eh? If we lived in a world where children were parented peacefully, would humans even know what teasing means or how to do it?

 

If I kiss or hug my girlfriend, that's normal and playful. If a random guy does that, it's harassment. The act itself isn't inherently abusive, it depends on the context. Maybe you don't see any benefit, and that's fine, but I can see plenty of examples where I would welcome it. If I was into some woman only for her looks, for example, then teasing from a good friend can help remind me of my values in a light-hearted way. Something like, "Yeah, she sure looks like someone who reads a lot of Nietzsche" or "Let me guess, you two met in a library didn't you?". 

 

Teasing seems to me to be a way of recreating past trauma. It's fundamentally win-lose.

 

Teasing to me is a form of criticism through jokes. It can be playful and creative or ingenious and destructive. Do you ever make fun of yourself or would that be pushing a button for you? Whenever I've seen it done right, both people are laughing about it. That's win-win. Sure it is mostly used to harm, but that is true for criticism and jokes as well, and you wouldn't say that there are no positive forms of those things. So what exactly makes teasing different?

 

Honestly, positive criticism is great but someone who knows me well enough and is clever enough to deliver it in a way that makes me laugh earns the most respect from me. It shows intelligence as well as sympathy and love for another person. I don't know if you've noticed, but Stefan makes fun of himself all the time on the show. And both him and Mike have teased each other as well. Do their jokes strike you as the result of past trauma or a close bond and ease with each other?

[hannahbanana]

I find it difficult to find the line between harmless teasing (playful banter) and harmful teasing.

 

At its worst, teasing can isolate and point out an insecurity, while also making it insignificant. This is a problem for me, because it may normalize defense mechanisms that someone has developed, which is not very good when it comes to self-knowledge.

 

True, teasing is often harmless, but I personally wouldn't want to poke fun at someone's flaws. It seems pretty unempathetic towards that person to me; unless I knew that person very well, and knew what parts of themselves they were confident about, I probably wouldn't tease them about something. And this is coming from someone who makes an earnest attempt to empathize with and understand others; would people who aren't working towards self-knowledge take the same considerations? Maybe, maybe not, but my guess is no.

 

Also, I'm not sure if I would define the exchanges between Steph and Mike during podcasts as teasing. I might need to think about it more before I can decided what I think it really is, but in my mind teasing feels much more malicious in general. Maybe it's based on my personal experience with teasing that I have an overall negative view of it. Anyway, as @dsayers said in a previous post, I think that there are much better ways of sharing affection and bonding than making light of mistakes that someone has made (which is, based on experience and observation, the most common form of teasing).

 

If anyone disagrees with my definitions and examples of teasing, or thinks I should clarify it, let me know. I'm interested in seeing how my view of teasing differs from others.

[Devon Gibbons]

Teasing seems to me to be a way of recreating past trauma. It's fundamentally win-lose.

 

I agree that it can be traumatic, but I also believe that shirgall has it right, when he says that the difference between teasing and abuse is contempt. For example, a therapist I am seeing mispronounced my name, which I thought quite disrespectful and angry at him for. I uncomfortably made a bad joke about it, and he did not laugh at the joke. He expressed guilt and regret, apologized and oddly went back into his office. And I said the joke manically, on the verge of contempt, and accepted his apology I think a bit contemptuously, "That's OK" with a smile... 

 

It's weird, I thought up the joke I used about what to say to people if they mispronounced my name that I used after our meeting on the way to see him that day. Psychic.

 

My parents and sister teased me quite often and I agree that:

 

trust is exactly what enables you to tease without being abusive

 

This is why the joke wasn't funny, and I didn't think his apology was sincere: I don't really trust him.

 

But to get back to what you said dsayers:

Teasing seems to me to be a way of recreating past trauma. It's fundamentally win-lose.

If the person you are with, you can trust, and they make a teasing remark like what Robert exemplified, then your guard is down with that kind of a person, and you can self-reflect, instead of reacting like would be more natural if someone you didn't trust said that to you.

[Heam]

Teasing is a social stimulus, sort of like a spark. If you're going to use it, you need to be empathetic to make sure you get a controlled flame instead of a wildfire.

 

The kind of "teasing" I think people think of as abuse is something totally different. That type of "tease" is usually something that induces a self-attack.

[hannahbanana]

Okay, now that I got to thinking about it more, I looked up the actual definitions of the words we're using in this thread to help me out.

Looking up the definition of "teasing:"

tease

verb

gerund or present participle: teasing

1.

make fun of or attempt to provoke (a person or animal) in a playful way

 

Now looking at the definition of "provoke:"

pro·voke

verb

stimulate or give rise to (a reaction or emotion, typically a strong or unwelcome one) in someone.

stimulate or incite (someone) to do or feel something, especially by arousing anger in them.

deliberately make (someone) annoyed or angry

 

I think it's safe to say that people would consider provocation to be an overall negative action. So why is it okay when it's used to tease someone? I understand that making jokes is fun and lighthearted, as stated by many of the people on this thread, but I don't think that those examples are really teasing at all, since the definition of teasing says that it is a statement meant to provoke someone, not just making jokes and being funny.

 

Although you can provoke someone into doing something positive, this is very rarely the case. And reflecting on why you would want to provoke someone with teasing, the quickest answer that comes to my mind is some form of embarrassment, usually some small thing that really wouldn't be a big deal (someone tripping, dropping something, saying something wrong, etcetera). Why else would you pointedly harp on someone about such a small thing unless you wanted them to be embarrassed about it? I don't think that's very empathetic at all, and it makes no difference whether you're masking it as a joke or not.

(again, this is also based on the argument that examples like Mike and Steph joking on podcasts is not teasing, because it isn't a form of provocation)

[dsayers]

Mr. Rak, I appreciate your thoughtful and detailed reply. Which is why it pains me to say that I don't feel it refutes my position. I acknowledged that context matters with the qualifier of MECHANICALLY identical. I say again that I think it is better to enjoy somebody and/or express your intimacy with them in a way that doesn't resemble what is essentially the root of all evil in the world. Please understand that I'm not trying to be dramatic, but rather am pointing out why I think it's a valuable thing to avoid. If laughing together is win-win, what would it say about somebody if the only way they could achieve that is by re-enacting prior trauma?

 

@marginalist: I accept that teasing between two people who possess self-knowledge and an understanding of one another can survive teasing. I still think it's a very important question to ask: If children were not abused, would humans know what teasing means or how to do it? If not, wouldn't one way that we can help the world of broken people heal right now be to not mimic what ails it to begin with?

[cynicist]

think it's safe to say that people would consider provocation to be an overall negative action.

 

I understand that making jokes is fun and lighthearted, as stated by many of the people on this thread, but I don't think that those examples are really teasing at all, since the definition of teasing says that it is a statement meant to provoke someone, not just making jokes and being funny.

 

Although you can provoke someone into doing something positive, this is very rarely the case.

 

the quickest answer that comes to my mind is some form of embarrassment, usually some small thing that really wouldn't be a big deal (someone tripping, dropping something, saying something wrong, etcetera).

 

Why else would you pointedly harp on someone about such a small thing unless you wanted them to be embarrassed about it?

 

I don't think that's very empathetic at all, and it makes no difference whether you're masking it as a joke or not.

 

What you've done here is what I think of as 'framing'. You've defined and repeatedly called something bad or described it as bad and then asked how it could be good. I can guarantee you when I tease friends it is not pointedly harping on them for small mistakes and I certainly don't intend to embarrass them, it's the opposite. The reason I would criticize them in the form of a joke would be because it might be embarrassing or a difficult subject to talk about, and laughing about it helps relieve tension. That to me is sympathetic. Maybe you would just call that joking and want to keep teasing in the negative category, but the difference between those for me is that a joke may or may not be a real criticism while teasing is.

 

I acknowledged that context matters with the qualifier of MECHANICALLY identical. I say again that I think it is better to enjoy somebody and/or express your intimacy with them in a way that doesn't resemble what is essentially the root of all evil in the world. Please understand that I'm not trying to be dramatic, but rather am pointing out why I think it's a valuable thing to avoid. 

 

I read your posts very carefully, including the one where you said teasing was 'fundamentally win-lose' and that it seems to be 'recreation of past trauma'. If that's dependent on context you may want to add a disclaimer, otherwise you are contradicting yourself. Why do you think I specifically used kissing/hugging as examples? Let me be more explicit: Couldn't the same argument be made for criticism? Or laughter? I experienced much of that when I was younger, but that doesn't mean I avoid all criticism or laughter, in fact I would lose out on a lot of value that way.

 

In some ways this is similar to the other thread about whether people should use the word anarchy or not, in that many people associate that word with a lot of negativity. So it's not surprising to me that we are at odds here as we were there. Since you see teasing as 'the root of all evil in the world', I think the odds of succeeding with my argument are pretty slim.  Anyway, I'm going to leave this thread alone for a bit so other people can throw their thoughts in. 

[MysterionMuffles]

Another indicator of simple teasing is if they let you tease them back without taking it personally.

 

I had a friend who would make fun of me in front of all his other friends, and when I made one joke about him in private, he lost his shit.

 

Whereas the friends I have now, we like to rip on each other equally over innocuous things. Another indicator of abuse is if the jokes are designed to provoke self attack like attacking a vulnerability in the person's personality.

 

I would also like to point out that teasing is playful, while insulting is abusive. Stefan recently talked about how he and Mike do not get to insult each other, but you hear them tease each other lot during the show. I would like to assert that we use two different words for this subject to make it clearer.

 

Taken simply from Google dictionary:

 

tease

tēz/

verb

 

1.

make fun of or attempt to provoke (a person or animal) in a playful way.

 

 

 

in·sult

verb

 

inˈsəlt/

1. [*]

1.

speak to or treat with disrespect or scornful abuse.

 

 

 

 

[dsayers]

Since you see teasing as 'the root of all evil in the world'

 

 

I see the abuse of children as the root of all evil in the world. Alison Gopnik's research has determined that we are currently born naturally empathetic. Theft, assault, rape, and murder cannot take place without childhood trauma. What I said was that teasing RESEMBLES this, not that teasing is the root of all evil in the world.

[hannahbanana]

 

 

What you've done here is what I think of as 'framing'. You've defined and repeatedly called something bad or described it as bad and then asked how it could be good. I can guarantee you when I tease friends it is not pointedly harping on them for small mistakes and I certainly don't intend to embarrass them, it's the opposite. The reason I would criticize them in the form of a joke would be because it might be embarrassing or a difficult subject to talk about, and laughing about it helps relieve tension. That to me is sympathetic. Maybe you would just call that joking and want to keep teasing in the negative category, but the difference between those for me is that a joke may or may not be a real criticism while teasing is.

 

 

True, I believe I have let my negative experiences of teasing bleed into my argument, but I still hold by what most of what I said, specifically in the part that when looking at the actual definition of the word "tease," it clearly uses negative words to describe it (provoke, make fun of), which as you said, I see as different from joking.

I'm also thinking about whether it's even a good thing to joke about real problems or criticisms (not sure yet, just a thought here) because right now, I'm thinking of podcasts where people will laugh and joke about serious mistakes or bad things that happen in their lives. And it's pretty much agreed upon that that isn't a good approach, since it avoids connection to the emotions associated with such events. Would such joking be similar to a situation where someone doesn't really want to address a criticism, or someone has a criticism but makes a joke out of it instead?

[Omegahero09]

Ohhh mann I love this community!

 

Thanks to everyone for chiming in!

 

MMD, this thread I think will do, but thank you very much for the invitation.

Perhaps an anecdote will help?

 

I don't have hair on my legs. They're like, really smooth and soft and you have to get really close to even see the teeny tiny little hairs on my shins. I used to be very very insecure about my appearance- and especially about my legs.

 

I think about 6 or 7 years ago my long-time buddies and I were heading out to play magic the gathering at our town's card shop, I was a little late so everyone was already there. Right when I walk in, one of our friends from outside our friend group noticed my legs for the first time, and said: "Whoa Zach, do you shave your legs?"

 

Immediately, my friends all burst into laughter. I remember being frozen in my shoes, and my heart racing, not sure what to do. "I'll leave." I said sincerely, hesitantly restrapping my backpack.

 

Whatever man, they said, cooling down and resuming their games. So I did, I picked up my shit and left. My friends would bring it up every once and awhile, like any of our other jokes and stories, but they never let that particular joke leave the group. I remember that sometimes one of them would be tempted with bringing it up in front of someone new, and once even a prospective girlfriend I was introducing them to- but the others always shut it down.

 

Now- years later, I have overcome my insecurities and I love my sexy-ass legs and so does my fiancé. The joke has become part of the pool of inside jokes, classic lines and stories that we pull from when we all hang out- and I laugh about it right along with them.

 

How does this play with dsayer's point on the teasing being mechanically the same as abuse?

 

Keep in mind, I have been friends with these guys for over a decade. We've been through phases, we've seen other people come and go from our group, we've seen heartbreaks and even death. There has been a couple times when there was a topic too sensitive to tease about, and those were addressed openly, and my tribe always complied.

 

I really do think it comes down to trust between the individuals involved. But I'm still not too sure as to why we do it, for any deeper or truer reason other than it's funny...

[luxfelix]

(This might not fit, but here we go):

 

Similar to how a surgeon may need to amputate a limb to save the patient, a tease could help a depressed individual get angry.

 

(Anger may not be happiness, but it is arguably a step up from depressed.)

 

This requires empathy to communicate in a way that the listener will best receive the message (at a low emotional state, it may be difficult to hear a positive message without it coming across as anempathetic).

 

The spark example Waleed used also points to the need to "know your audience" so that a tease benefits rather than harms (is the amputation necessary?).

 

This seems to be a method Stefan Molyneux uses to encourage listeners to move away from self-attack.

[cynicist]

I think about 6 or 7 years ago my long-time buddies and I were heading out to play magic the gathering at our town's card shop, I was a little late so everyone was already there. Right when I walk in, one of our friends from outside our friend group noticed my legs for the first time, and said: "Whoa Zach, do you shave your legs?"Immediately, my friends all burst into laughter. I remember being frozen in my shoes, and my heart racing, not sure what to do. "I'll leave." I said sincerely, hesitantly restrapping my backpack.

 

That was teasing as a form of humiliation, and likely the result of childhood trauma. So not nice or positive, but at least it seems like it was unconscious for them, something you do between friends. (not in front of others or girlfriends) I'm guessing they were fine with having that done to them as well? Ideally they would notice your discomfort and apologize. I'd speculate that they don't notice the discomfort because they were trained not to... but I don't know them so that's a wild guess.

 

Oh also I don't want to just say that Mike/Stef tease each other without providing an example so here is one I found fairly quickly that might help people.

[Buggy]

 

Okay, now that I got to thinking about it more, I looked up the actual definitions of the words we're using in this thread to help me out.

Looking up the definition of "teasing:"

tease

verb

gerund or present participle: teasing

1.

make fun of or attempt to provoke (a person or animal) in a playful way

 

Now looking at the definition of "provoke:"

pro·voke

verb

stimulate or give rise to (a reaction or emotion, typically a strong or unwelcome one) in someone.

stimulate or incite (someone) to do or feel something, especially by arousing anger in them.

deliberately make (someone) annoyed or angry

 

I think it's safe to say that people would consider provocation to be an overall negative action. So why is it okay when it's used to tease someone? I understand that making jokes is fun and lighthearted, as stated by many of the people on this thread, but I don't think that those examples are really teasing at all, since the definition of teasing says that it is a statement meant to provoke someone, not just making jokes and being funny.

 

Although you can provoke someone into doing something positive, this is very rarely the case. And reflecting on why you would want to provoke someone with teasing, the quickest answer that comes to my mind is some form of embarrassment, usually some small thing that really wouldn't be a big deal (someone tripping, dropping something, saying something wrong, etcetera). Why else would you pointedly harp on someone about such a small thing unless you wanted them to be embarrassed about it? I don't think that's very empathetic at all, and it makes no difference whether you're masking it as a joke or not.

(again, this is also based on the argument that examples like Mike and Steph joking on podcasts is not teasing, because it isn't a form of provocation)

 

The logical meaning of "provocation" that you posted is neutral in the spectrum of human emotion.

"Stimulate or give rise to (a reaction or emotion, typically a strong or unwelcome one) in someone."

 

To give rise to a reaction or emotion, with the addendum of: "typically a strong or unwelcome one". 

To provoke: I can start a B52 or I can start a charity campaign. 

 

Regarding 

 

 

(again, this is also based on the argument that examples like Mike and Steph joking on podcasts is not teasing, because it isn't a form of provocation)

 

It depends on the intention. If Stefan tells a joke, i.e he says something which he believes will be interpreted or seen as humorous, he has attempted to provoke in a teasing manner, because a "playful manner" (teasing) can involve humor. This is assuming that the "Joke" was meant for social participants, and not solely for one self.

[PGP]

This is a very good question. My initial reaction is that "teasing" (I would call the colloquial equivalent of the definition "taking the piss") is like an inside joke between two mates. Also, a bit of a witticism.

Knowing someone well and having a good relationship AND/OR sharing a very similar cultural understanding that is very strongly endemic with them is a required pre-requisite but not a guarantee that a "tease" will be taken assuch. What matters after this is the situation/timing and the mood. 

Increasingly as I read more about self-knowledge, psychology and all things FDR, I am finding it more difficult to engage with people through "teasing" as tbh my contempt for cultural norms grows. Certainly, some of the "teasing" that I engaged in and received over the years is not now what I consider aesthetically desirable. Stuff that was funny is just not funny any more. I consider this a progression.

[Omegahero09]

I'm guessing they were fine with having that done to them as well? Ideally they would notice your discomfort and apologize. I'd speculate that they don't notice the discomfort because they were trained not to... but I don't know them so that's a wild guess. (I'm only coming to this conclusion because it's laughter at your expense for something you can't help. If you were intentionally shaving out of pretension it might be different)

Oh yes they are fine being the focus of the teasing when it comes around to them. The practice is accepted in my group, we laugh at the teasing itself, and we don't include others in it unless we really know them. But again I'm not sure why this phenomenon takes place. I love it now, especially since we share a trust when it comes to serious issues. For example we'll never let a stupid question go, but if say you screwed up in your relationship with your girlfriend we're going to talk about it and figure it out together, then go back to making fun of your car, or how you're "bad" at super smash brothers and shit-talking abound

[Buggy]

Ohhh mann I love this community!Thanks to everyone for chiming in!MMD, this thread I think will do, but thank you very much for the invitation.Perhaps an anecdote will help?I don't have hair on my legs. They're like, really smooth and soft and you have to get really close to even see the teeny tiny little hairs on my shins. I used to be very very insecure about my appearance- and especially about my legs.I think about 6 or 7 years ago my long-time buddies and I were heading out to play magic the gathering at our town's card shop, I was a little late so everyone was already there. Right when I walk in, one of our friends from outside our friend group noticed my legs for the first time, and said: "Whoa Zach, do you shave your legs?"Immediately, my friends all burst into laughter. I remember being frozen in my shoes, and my heart racing, not sure what to do. "I'll leave." I said sincerely, hesitantly restrapping my backpack.Whatever man, they said, cooling down and resuming their games. So I did, I picked up my shit and left. My friends would bring it up every once and awhile, like any of our other jokes and stories, but they never let that particular joke leave the group. I remember that sometimes one of them would be tempted with bringing it up in front of someone new, and once even a prospective girlfriend I was introducing them to- but the others always shut it down.Now- years later, I have overcome my insecurities and I love my sexy-ass legs and so does my fiancé. The joke has become part of the pool of inside jokes, classic lines and stories that we pull from when we all hang out- and I laugh about it right along with them.How does this play with dsayer's point on the teasing being mechanically the same as abuse?Keep in mind, I have been friends with these guys for over a decade. We've been through phases, we've seen other people come and go from our group, we've seen heartbreaks and even death. There has been a couple times when there was a topic too sensitive to tease about, and those were addressed openly, and my tribe always complied.I really do think it comes down to trust between the individuals involved. But I'm still not too sure as to why we do it, for any deeper or truer reason other than it's funny...

Interesting. I experienced this too.

 

Due to my religious family background, I was psychologically extremely challenged in submitting social feedback to the group, and I slowly became the punching bag (metaphorically) in the group - Mainly because the group did not know my boundaries. After some time though, the importance of social cliques were amplified in them and I was "left behind". Empathy and sympathy increased proportionally with the degree to which i was abandoned socially - eventually to an abnormal extent - showing me the true nature of the relationships we had. 

 

By my quick analysis of

 

 

Now- years later, I have overcome my insecurities and I love my sexy-ass legs and so does my fiancé. The joke has become part of the pool of inside jokes, classic lines and stories that we pull from when we all hang out- and I laugh about it right along with them.

In the context of your post(s), some Orange flags are lit. 

I would ask myself some questions, and let my feelings and reactions answer:

How comfortable would I be walking the streets locally in shorts without my fiance, assuming I had not been with her nor any other woman for a year?

What clothes would I be the most comfortable in while failing at something while being watched?

How often do I think about this aspect of my legs? Does it change my mood "positively"?

Why did I choose to exert such a high amount of energy when writing about my current opinion of my legs?

[Omegahero09]

In the context of your post(s), some Orange flags are lit. I would ask myself some questions, and let my feelings and reactions answer:How comfortable would I be walking the streets locally in shorts without my fiance, assuming I had not been with her nor any other woman for a year?What clothes would I be the most comfortable in while failing at something while being watched?How often do I think about this aspect of my legs? Does it change my mood "positively"?Why did I choose to exert such a high amount of energy when writing about my current opinion of my legs?

Alright, I'll have a go:1) How comfortable would I be walking the streets locally in shorts without my fiance, assuming I had not been with her nor any other woman for a year?Decently uncomfortable. She helped me grow into myself tremendously and expanded my confidence.2) What clothes would I be the most comfortable in while failing at something while being watched?Pants and a t shirt, the preference still sticks. Now I'm not afraid to wear shorts in that context, I just like a good pair of jeans.3) How often do I think about this aspect of my legs? From time to time, along with other things I've changed about my appearance: my hair, my weight, how I dress etc4)Does it change my mood "positively"?When I do think about the memory, and empathize with myself I feel embarrassed, and frustrated. When I think about my legs now, I think about what I can do to make them stronger, how they've carried me up and down mountains, and how goofy they are. It does in fact change my mood positively.5) Why did I choose to exert such a high amount of energy when writing about my current opinion of my legs?To help illustrate the evolving context of this topic of teasing. I.e. This topic was sensitive to me before, and now I've changed, and so has my view of the topic.The origin of my sensitivity comes from my transition in 8th grade from homeschooling to jr high, and learning that most (including girls I liked) chose to not talk to me because of how I looked. My parents told me not to worry but I wasn't close to them, so the sensitivity was the result. My fiancé- the center of my new support system has nurtured my self-confidence in this area, and I attribute my progress between her and Stef's work

[luxfelix]

Oh yes they are fine being the focus of the teasing when it comes around to them. The practice is accepted in my group, we laugh at the teasing itself, and we don't include others in it unless we really know them.But again I'm not sure why this phenomenon takes place. I love it now, especially since we share a trust when it comes to serious issues.For example we'll never let a stupid question go, but if say you screwed up in your relationship with your girlfriend we're going to talk about it and figure it out together, then go back to making fun of your car, or how you're "bad" at super smash brothers and shit-talking abound

 

There's this behavior of "insulting the meat" found in different tribes like the Bushmen:

 

http://www.fofweb.com/History/HistRefMain.asp?iPin=ESCAW352&SID=2&DatabaseName=Ancient+and+Medieval+History+Online&InputText=%22insulting+the+meat+in+African+culture%22&SearchStyle=&dTitle=%26%2334%3Binsulting+the+meat%26%2334%3B+in+African+culture&TabRecordType=Subject+Entry&BioCountPass=0&SubCountPass=1&DocCountPass=0&ImgCountPass=0&MapCountPass=0&FedCountPass=&MedCountPass=0&NewsCountPass=0&RecPosition=1&AmericanData=&WomenData=&AFHCData=&IndianData=&WorldData=&AncientData=Set&GovernmentData=

 

Maybe there's a common thread here with the elements of social cohesion and humility through unspoken praise? (if that's not a contradiction?)

[Bipedal Primate]

 

Another indicator of simple teasing is if they let you tease them back without taking it personally.

 

I had a friend who would make fun of me in front of all his other friends, and when I made one joke about him in private, he lost his shit.

 

Whereas the friends I have now, we like to rip on each other equally over innocuous things. Another indicator of abuse is if the jokes are designed to provoke self attack like attacking a vulnerability in the person's personality.

 

I would also like to point out that teasing is playful, while insulting is abusive. Stefan recently talked about how he and Mike do not get to insult each other, but you hear them tease each other lot during the show. I would like to assert that we use two different words for this subject to make it clearer.

 

Taken simply from Google dictionary:

 

tease

tēz/

verb

 

1.

make fun of or attempt to provoke (a person or animal) in a playful way.

 

 

 

in·sult

verb

 

inˈsəlt/

2. [*]
   1.

   speak to or treat with disrespect or scornful abuse.

 

 

 

 

 

I've been reading through this thread and your post really resonates with my feelings, thanks Rainbow Jamz :-)

 

I LOVE teasing and I love to be teased. Why?  -- because I love to laugh! I really enjoy witty people and I enjoy comically inspired verbal sparring. When I get going, I always impress myself with my quick humor and ability to make people laugh. I do want to qualify my love of teasing with the fact that I only enjoy it when I'm with someone I know is a good person and a true friend.

 

Insults are mean spirited; and in my opinion an insult is the polar opposite of teasing.