My childhood bestfriend dies, and I feel horrible.

[The Red Prince]

I haven't been in contact with him for years, but upon hearing about his death (by shooting) in passing, it left me extremely effected. He was my best friend my childhood, and also the first male I felt a sincere attraction towards. The question is, I feel EXTREMELY terrible yet I haven't seen or even talked to him since middle school, we both had to move away is the reason why. Any thoughts on why my emotions just went off in such a stark way? I feel scared, angry, and really down.

[Drew.]

I would feel the same way too if my childhood best friend died. I think the thoughts and feelings are happening for a good reason. They seem to fit the circumstance. Each emotion probably is attached to some important thoughts regarding his death. Do you journal? Sitting down and writing things out like this is a great way of helping to process what's going on. It seems like this is such a huge event that it may be really helpful to do so, and hell if he really meant a lot and you're lost and confused on your own, it might be wise to reach out to a therapist.And I want to say, I'm sorry man. It's really tough dealing with the death of someone close. It sucks, but it's a good sign that it sucks. It means that you cared about him, and it means that you still have a connection to your emotional life. As crazy as this might sound, welcome these feelings.

[yagami]

Well I think part of the reason is just because you are human. If someone you know and cared about at any point just dies I think it would affect anyone. It doesn't sound like you had a major fall out or anything so I can imagine it must hurt. There are plenty of people I haven't talked to in years and I would be quite sad if I heard news like that. Other than that there could me lots of other reasons why. We really would need to know more information about your relationship with him and possibly some childhood stuff. Not sure if you are comfortable talking about all that here though. I wish I could be of more help. Im sorry for your lose.

[The Red Prince]

I have no issue sharing, I would really like to get to the bottom of this. My journey into self-knowledge is really getting heated, I'm getting used to the pace, and I know my dearly departed has an integral role in what I feel about my childhood.

 

Keith. Me and my family moved into a new neighborhood, our first house which was advantageously located walking distance from my school-- I believe I was in 4th grade at the time. Dad had gotten me a scooter, and on one of my first forays into the glowing magical expanse that is Summer Break, I met Keith for the first time riding a scooter as well. He was very forthright and asked me a lot of questions, mostly about if I played Pokemon (which I did) and if I could trick on my scooter like he could. The orange daylight was turning purple when I said I needed to go home, he shook my hand and sped off-- it turned out that he lived right down the street.

 

We started by playing Pokemon fiercely for a while on my porch, never talked about school, raced our bikes/scooters and spent time exploring the woods, and I can say it was truly a magical time for me and him. We were both escaping from our home life. Keith was looking for any kind of companionship, I was looking for true friendship, and we naturally reciprocated. Soon my folks allowed me over his house for exactly 3 hours a day, and I spent every hour every day I could. We played video games and were extremely competitive, he always bested me no matter how much I practiced, he truly was a strategic genius now that I look back. By 5th grade we were playing Halo 2 at a professionally competitive level, and he himself scored a few kills against some of the best in the State (grown men mind you).

 

Towards the end of 5th grade and the beginning or middle school, I started to develop sexually, and I was freaked. This is the time where I started to feel strong attraction to males, I just didn't have a name for it. I started to REALLY care for him and fantasize sexually, though I never told him I actually loved him, which I do and always will.. my secret "first love"... He protected me and I him, I confided in him my hopes, goals, wishes, and so did he, so when my grandmother assumed upon hearing of his death that he was into something he "shouldn't have" when he was shot I nearly moved out right then and there. NO adult was in his life as a child, only having a passive aggressive grandmother as a caretaker, the world literally abandoned him, and I saw personally his existential struggle, though I could not understand it fully at the time.

It was from him that learned to never judge, because he NEVER judged me, and always welcomed me even when had a disagreement.

 

We did have one serious argument, where the budding sadist in him appeared and the masochist in me was summoned. I cant remember what it was over, but it ended up in me in complete surrender, kissing his shoes as he ordered me to. I was doing so to try to prove a point, and ended up breaking my own heart. Almost immediately he started crying and hugged me and apologized profusely, as I did. I know he did not want to lose his only friend, but I never saw the sadist in him ever again.

 

My father lost the house and announced we'd be moving in with Grandmother, the summer before he said he had to move, and the pain I felt is literally indescribable. I started to distance myself from him to no real avail... but one night we moved suddenly at night time out of nowhere, and I didn't even get to say goodbye. He woke up one day to find my house empty, and me gone, the heartbreak he must of felt... I'm sobbing as I write this...

 

He taught me empathy, and what real friendship is. My memories are countless with him, more good than bad (way more). And our contact ended tragically.

[Deil]

Red Prince, your writing was deeply moving and very descriptive. Thank you very much for sharing that part of your life. You have my condolences.