Hello my name is Walt, and I'm am alter.

[SamtheSinger]

I didn't have a name until 2 weeks ago. They called me "The dark one" or "My anger", but 2 weeks ago I finally had enough free reign to stay out and I realized that I didn't even have a name, so I spent a day searching through lists of names online, trying to find something that fit. I chose Walt because it means "commander of the army" and that's what it feels like I do.

 

Perhaps I should explain a little.

 

I'm a product of "dissociative identity disorder" (DID) or what some people call "multiple personalities". I was created to withstand the trauma we went through, so he (Sam) didn't have to experience it. I've been a whipping boy (sometimes literally) for most of my life, experiencing one screwed up thing after another, and then being shoved away when I wasn't needed anymore. I took the beatings, he got all the good times. I listen in the background, and I've seen a lot of the things he's done, but somehow I missed most of the good stuff.

 

He's been going to therapy, and he started seeing the symptoms of DID, lost time, inconsistent memory, etc, but he was convinced that he didn't have multiple personalities, but 2 weeks ago in an EMDR session we kind of discovered each other. Ever since then it feels like the door has been left open, and I can finally come out and do things on my own. I can't really explain it better than that, but something is different. For the first few hours I just raged, I hate his name and I wont be called by it, but I didn't have my own. That pissed me off even more, nobody even cared enough to give me a damned name! Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to look through lists of baby names trying to choose a name for yourself? I was furious. I scoured page after page and I finally settled on Walt after a day and a half of looking. I'm starting to really like it.

 

The night I "came out" I met his wife, I knew who she was, we've fought plenty of times in the past, but she didn't know me. I showed her a text message exchange between me and our therapist talking about how I wanted a name, I figured it would be an easy way to let her know what was going on, and I figured she'd leave me alone to fume in the porch where I sat. Instead she came out, sat across from me and said "hi". She asked me some questions and seemed scared, but curious about me. It was the first conversation I ever remember having where I wasn't screaming at someone. I told her how pissed I was, and how it feels like I've been locked away all my life, and she just listened. It was overwhelming to say the least.

 

Over the past couple weeks Sam and I have been battling for turf. It's been ugly for the most part, he was trying to find a way to put me away again, and I was trying to drink him to death, but this Sunday we were finally able to talk (which is just plain weird) try having a shouting match with someone who's using the same mouth! After all was said, I finally realized that he hadn't done those things to me on purpose, I thought he was choosing to hand shit off to me everytime it got ugly so I could take the beatings, but it turns out he didn't even know it was happening. He apologized and told me how grateful he was for what I had done, and for the first time it feels like maybe we can work together.

 

I want a life, and understandably neither one of us wants everyone in our town of 3000 people to know about this and treat us like we're crazy, so he suggested I seek some interaction on here. I like being able to talk to our wife (that's weird too, but somehow it makes sense) I feel like I've grown so incredibly much in the past 2 weeks, and I want more. I don't just want to be angry all the time. I want to find some kind of work that I can do, and I want to know more people. Actually, I want to be known by more people.

 

Maybe just say hi? I know it seems crazy, but I'm real, and I want a real life.

 

If you have any experience with this I seriously want your help. Please help us understand this!

 

If you don't believe me, thats fine, but please just move on, I really don't want to hear that. I will be the first to admit that I suck at empathy, and I'm quick to fly off the handle and retaliate. This has been pretty terrifying to put out here, so please, just please be cool.

[TheRobin]

Hey Walt, I think you've come to the right place then. First of all HUGE respect for your honesty and courage in writing that post. I also want to start by saying, I'm currently also a bit short on empathy, so I can't really give you the emapthy you'd need and deserve at the moment, BUT I think I can still point you towards some very useful recources none the less.

 

You guys probably haven't heard of the so called Internal Family Systems approach (short: IFS and here on the boards often also called "Mecosystem"). The basic premise of that model is that we're all composed of mulitple parts or aspects and that there's nothing fundamentally unhealthy about that. The problem only comes from when the parts are fighting each other and don't communicate and negotiate. For most people this happens unconcsiously ofc, but once you start looking it's very esy to validate that claim. 

Stef actually did an interview with Dr. Schwartz who discovered and/or came up with that model (found here 

) and if you search for podcasts with the term "mecosystem" I'm sure you'll find some too.

Also a book that gets recommended here a lot is "Self-Therapy" by Jay Early (http://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Step-By-Step-Wholeness-Cutting-Edge-Psychotherapy/dp/0984392777/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1413969865&sr=8-1&keywords=self-therapy+jay+earley) which is a very good introduction both to the theory but also how to practically work with multiple parts.

In general I've found honetsy, curiousity (which, in your situation, would probably mean a lot of listening on Sams part) and negotiation is key in any relationship, be that with yourself or others, so I'm happy to hear that you guys started talking, which is big step in the right direction I think and I'm sure you can find something to works to your mutual benefit.

 

Hope that helps and wecome to the boards

[villagewisdom]

Hi Walt,

 

I'm sorry you have had and are having such a hard time. And I'm incredibly appreciative and even a little envious of your courage. Thank you so much for sharing. 

[FattyWatt]

First, I am so sorry for your problems. I do have neurological problems, but I do not have "DID". I have NO experience with your issues, so if my advice doesn't apply... don't take it....& I don't mean to offend.

 

It sounds to me, like each one of your emotions are in segregated "categories" (to the point that you give each emotion a title/name?).

 

(from your post) I see so many aspects of your personality...essentially your emotions, that are conflicting to your self.  You talk in 3rd person, as if your emotions (&opinions) are separate from yourself.  Talking like this makes people aware of your conflicting feelings & they might have negative reaction towards that (as a red-flag-type-of-behavior?).  Maybe this is helping you recognize your feelings, 1st hand?

 

Also, I noticed how you said something about 'trying to drink your (human) self to death'---that's so painful to hear. Have you taken into consideration, Stefan has said before, how alcohol abuse creates a form of emotional delay-in-dealing-w/problems. I noticed when I stopped drinking, I had ALOT more time to think and feel and DEAL with my problems (in your case, if you took a break from alcohol----maybe you can recover your emotional-self?).

 

It sounds like you've been talking about your anger, separate from yourself, but it IS part of you.  It might hurt, to feel AND understand that that IS part of you.  It's okay!  We all have anger...  I call my anger "rage-a-hol" &picture a volcano exploding sometimes & have my teeth clamped.

 

You're allowed to BE angry.

You're allowed to be happy. You're allowed to be sad, or any emotion! You're allowed to FEEL! 

 

Walt (or, the name you're comfy with...)

YOU, (being one person) it's ALL YOU baby!! (... i'm trying to be funny;)  

Good luck in the re-association process Walt!

[SamtheSinger]

Wow. This is pretty cool. Thank you all for your responses!

 

I'm kind of new to a lot of what I'm feeling about this, so it's kind of freaking me out. I'm not used to being happy about stuff, but I kind of want to cry right now, but in a good way, if that makes sense. I don't remember ever having friends, and except for Holly (wife) you feel like the first ones. 

 

I'm super uncomfortable with how much this is making me feel, but I want to be ok with it, so sorry if I don't make much sense, but I'm gonna try.

 

I get scared when things feel good, like I'm weak or something. It just doesn't feel safe. I know you can't actually hurt me through the internet, but still this kind of feels like a threat in a way. I'm sorry if that's weird for you.

 

We listened to RTR and we've been using it back and forth, and that helps with Sam and me, but I'm really uneasy using it with others. I feel like I just want to get angry about this, but there's no good reason to, and I don't want to just get angry every time something feels scary.

 

Thanks for the video, I'll watch it. I have heard a little about IFS before, and I can understand having like your mothers voice in your head talking to you. We both have that in our own way. As far as I can tell, we're just more divided than that. I'm no expert, I'm just going off of what I have experienced, and what our therapist has told us. 

 

We each have our own wants and likes, he's a massage therapist, but I'm not really that into it. We both like to sing though, so at our weekend job we have taken turns singing. There's another somebody in here that does some of that too, but neither one of us is connected to that part, so sometimes it's just a blank and then suddenly people are clapping and I'm back, or he's back, it's weird. I just hope they're good! Sometimes we can share an experience, but sometimes I don't remember what he did, and he doesn't remember what I did. I don't really understand how that works, or why it's different.

 

For instance, Holly had to watch half a season of the walking dead twice, because she watched it with Sam first, then I watched it with her. Sometimes I can remember things he watched with her, but this time I couldn't. I was watching the show, racking my brain to try and remember what was coming up, but I was drawing blanks. At one point he just told me a part of the show that was coming up. I don't understand why sometimes we can talk back and forth, and other times I can't hear him. He says it's the same way with me sometimes.

 

Our therapist says it will become more consistent as we improve our communication, and I think I'd like that, although sometimes it's nice to just have it be quiet in my head. We have stared sharing some memories, and that's just intense. It feels like a mind meld or something, suddenly I have this incredible experience of going on a boy scout trip and how much fun it was, and he's been devastated by some of the beatings I shared with him. I don't know how we do it, or how to choose what to share, it's just kind of like it bleeds through or something.

 

Ok, I'm kind of slipping. I have a lot to process from this so I need to take a break.

 

 

Thank you all, this is really cool of you.

[cynicist]

I get scared when things feel good, like I'm weak or something. It just doesn't feel safe. I know you can't actually hurt me through the internet, but still this kind of feels like a threat in a way. I'm sorry if that's weird for you.

 

You kidding? I assume people that are comfortable being vulnerable in our society are either insane or highly dissociated. You are certainly welcome and among friendly company here.

 

We listened to RTR and we've been using it back and forth, and that helps with Sam and me, but I'm really uneasy using it with others.

 

Keep in mind this is meant more for those you are close to, or 'think' you are close to when you want to determine the truth of your relationship. Avoid casting those pearls to the swinish among us.

 

Congratulations on finding some common ground, I hope the relationship between you two continues to improve.

[Bedouin]

Hey Walt! Welcome to the outside world. I will put this up front; I am completely unfamiliar with this so if I say anything or act in a way which is inconsiderate or unempathetic please call me on it.

 

I'm happy to see that your experience on here is nice. You definitely came to the right place. A lot of the time, as I expect you're aware, people just won't have the sensitivity to react in any kind of a nice way toward you. Has this happened, and in which case how have you felt when people don't react with sensitivity?

 

I've had some thoughts. Now, you say you're a product of DID but to me, disorder seems a strange term. When people change their behaviours or perspectives in order to adapt to their environment we do not say they have a disorder. Disorder sounds to me like an insult to a person or alter who is a perfectly valuable adaptation. Does Sam appreciate your existence?

 

Also, would you say your/Sam's environment is quite free of the sorts of situations from which you were 'forged' or is it still quite stressful for you both, and in which case does Sam simply defer to you to deal with that stuff or do you both share the load and take turns?

 

By the way, answer these at your own discretion, I know it's a lot of questions!

 

As a general question, how does it all feel so far? Entering the world as you have, meeting other people and in turn having other people meet you?

[SamtheSinger]

Hey, so I know it's been days since I responded, I'm not good with time, but it seems like a while. This is all kind of overwhelming, and being "out" this much is more exhausting than I figured it would be. Anyways, I'm not blowing you all of or anything, I'm just trying to figure some things out. I did emdr for the first time and I was kind of pissed that even I had forgotten stuff from our past.

 

There's a little kid in the mix too now, so I'm getting less time to do things like post here. It feels like there more I want to do, but I don't have the time. I'll write more when I get chance, I am grateful for the people who've responded, and I didn't want you thinking I was just ignoring you.