Nine year relationship just ended.

[darrenski]

 

Hi everyone.

 

In the time it took to approve my registration my first question has changed from "should I end this relationship?" to "should I have just ended this relationship?"

 

Yesterday I broke up with my partner of more than nine years. It was the single most

difficult thing I've ever done. The reason I posted this in self knowledge is that I don't know why I don't want to be with her any more.

 

She's a 9/10 looks wise, has varied in weight through the nine years and is attractive at many weights. She is now a personal trainer and so is probably the hottest she's ever been. She's intelligent, with an undergraduate degree from a good university, and all her PT qualifications. We talk about deep topics fairly often and she talks to a therapist monthly. I'm fairly confident she knows everything about me, and I her. We lost our virginity to eachother at 17, and the sex has always been good, if a little infrequent for both of our liking. In terms of our families - we both get on great with eachothers parents, and are well integrated into family events.

 

We both agreed that we have gradually become more like best friends than partners.

 

Three months ago she found herself being attracted to another man, at work. Since it had never happened before and she felt like it meant there was something wrong with our relationship, we decided maybe it was best to have a three month break to go satisfy some sexual curiosity we both had, with the aim to get back together afterwards having sorted those doubts out before getting married and starting a family. I moved out to a second flat in town. The idea was to have our mid life crises now rather than when we're both in our forties with kids. It seemed like all was going well for the first two months. At the end of the second month my partner said she wanted to stop early, that she'd settled her doubts and knew I was the one she wanted to be with forever. I felt like I wasn't finished experimenting yet. At that point I had slept with two other women and had arranged a meetup with a third, all through tinder. I felt like since my partner had basically started this experiment and now wanted to end it, I didn't have control of the situation and was doing whatever she told me to. So to try and stand my ground I said I wanted to continue with the break until the time we agreed was up.

 

Another few weeks went past, I slept with two other women and felt like that was probably enough, and my partner broke down and essentially begged me for the break to be over. I didn't want to hurt her so I agreed to stop.

 

I messages the girls I had been seeing (they all knew about each other and my long term partner - I used the truth is always better principle) and told them I was ending my single period sooner than expected. One of the girls was extremely upset, as despite her best efforts she had fallen for me. I didn't know until I said we had to end it, so that was a bit of a shock and I felt like I had behaved like a terrible person.

 

So I was back with my long term girlfriend, she was outwardly over the moon happy and I cried in the shower every morning. I felt bad about what I had done to those other girls, as it turns out more than one of them had become attached. I felt like my long term partner and I had not actually solved the underlying problem, and that I didn't know what that even was.

 

A week went by where I approached the subject numerous times, examining that I was miserable and I didn't know why. She was understandably upset by my doubts and wanted me to just decide whether I wanted to be with her or not. Every logical part of my brain was telling me I should be with her, but my gut feeling was that I wanted to be single.

 

That weekend we went to a friend's wedding. The ceremony was crushing because it was exactly what ours would've been like. We saw my mother and her parents over that weekend too, and on the journey back home we decided to break up, and to remain friends.

 

That was yesterday.

 

Thanks for reading. I hope someone can learn from my mistakes. Or maybe it's a good thing. I don't know. I've been listening to the podcasts, watching the YouTube videos, and donating with Bitcoin for about six months now. They've helped me significantly and I just wanted to say thanks for that, but there's probably another post for that.

[Nutrigirl26]

My first reaction to you and your partner taking a break to satisfy your sexual curiosity was extremely strong in that if that had been me, I would have looked at our relationship and tried to find every opportunity to become closer. I feel like the moment that you decided you would try to fix your current relationship by sleeping with multiple women was the moment that your relationship truly ended. Same goes for her of course. I would try to explore what that new hole in your heart truly means because as an outsider it seems that maybe you don't actually want to be with her as much as you think you do. It's probably more about how comfortable you were with the same person after 9 years. I could be completely wrong and I hope you correct me if I am!

[Drew.]

Hey man, I'm really sorry to hear all that. A relationship of nine years is a very long time. She must have really become a major part of your life and now she's not. I want to point out a lot of what you mentioned was about sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. You described her physical attractiveness far sooner and to a much greater degree than any kind of emotional connection that you two had. I don't mean to shame or criticize you on this, but it seems to me that sex had a far greater role in your relationship than the deep conversations. Which would make sense if you wanted to experiment elsewhere.

 

You certainly don't have to answer this question over the boards, but I do think that it would be extremely valuable to think about. Why did you two start dating in the first place?

 

Also, you mentioned that she was seeing a therapist. Are you seeing one? A therapist can really help you to sort out whirling-swirling dervish of emotions that you must be feeling now. If you're interested, I would like to offer my services to you.

[darrenski]

Drew, thanks for the offer. I may take you up on that after a week or two. I need to settle a little first I think.

 

Thank you both for your replies. I'd just like to say at this point that before listening to the podcasts I would have never applied a number to a woman's attractiveness. I was of the "that's objectifying women" camp in that regard. So that's the first time I've even considered what number she would have been. I just figured that's what Stefan often asks people. Also it's clear to me reading back that our problems were most likely sexual. Or maybe not. I don't know.

 

We got together because she was funny and smart and had the most amazing big eyes. She spoke a lot and I didn't, but I liked to listen to her. She was kind and polite to nice people and verbally aggressive towards / non tolerant of nasty people. She was confident where I was shy. She probably liked me because I had just shot to highschool fame as a film maker, I played the guitar, and I was generally considered to be one of the nicest people in school. (I didn't find that out until I left) I stood up to the bullies, put myself between them and the nerds. I was a bit of an outcast, friendly to everyone. Generally speaking though it was because we were both nice people and were attracted to one another.

 

I've got to go to work but will be back to discuss further. Thank you very much for your time. It is helping a lot to talk about it here.

[Devon Gibbons]

What was your parents' relationship like?

[MrCapitalism]

Did she end up sleeping with her coworker? How long did that last and what was the outcome for her? Was this the only person she slept with during your "break"?

 

Also, why weren't you guys married after dating for nine years?

 

EDIT: I also want to express my sympathy for this loss. I can understand this was a very important part of your life that is now gone... and I'm really sorry to hear that. Hopefully with our questions we can maybe help.

[darrenski]

Thanks for the replies.

 

My parents divorced when I was two years old. I moved to the UK with my mother only. Only saw my dad every year or two for a few weeks growing up. He's a Jehovah's Witness (the divorce was caused by adultery on his part and religion helped his feelings of guilt). I was psychologically tortured by him forcing his religion on me whenever I stayed with him. My sister was indoctrinated by him but thankfully I survived.

 

My girlfriend did not sleep with that colleague, no. I don't know everyone she slept with. Four people in total, three men and a woman (her good friend). I knew she was bicurious, but don't believe this to be of much significance.

[James Dean]

on the journey back home we decided to break up, and to remain friends.

 

I think that other people here are more knowledgeable and insightful than I on most of your post, and will let them address your other issues, but I think I have a nugget of wisdom to offer here. Before that, let me just state my total and immense sympathy and empathy for the pain you are experiencing, there are a lot of really difficult things that the end of relationships can unearth and I know what it's like to have a weight tied to your neck like that.

 

My advice, for what it's worth, is to not "stay friends" ...whatever that means. Either she is worth having in your life, and you would be worse off without her, or she's not. You're just going to be tortured by the memories and the intimacy you once had and you'll never heal. That has been my experience. the switch from romantic partners to friends is not like mac to windows, it's like going from having your own really nice computer to only being able to use the public library computers for 45 minutes every day. The point of any relationship is to be enriching to the other person and for them to be enriching to you... what sets romantic relationships apart is the exclusivity; having someone that specializes in your life and who values your needs before that of anyone else, and who you value in the same way.

 

I think that what Drew said stood out to me as well... the sex seems very important to you. Is that what you brought up mostly because that was the nature of the problems in the relationship or was it that sex was the relationship. Were you two able to communicate well? did you fight a lot or anything like that? If the issues are mostly about the sexual side of things I wouldn't throw the whole thing out for that... it's often the case that working through that stuff brings people much MUCH closer together...  If the relationship was failing before that and the sex was just the nail in the coffin, again, I don't see why you would choose to have a dysfunctional relationship in your life at all, platonic or romantic. have you considered couples counseling?

[J. D. Stembal]

I think two mistakes were made.

 

1. Settling down with a 9/10 woman. Obviously, you've known each other for a long time, but if you don't truly know each other or yourselves, she's likely to constantly want to trade you in for a better man, also known as hypergamy. There's the song, "If you want to happy for the rest of your life..." I know you guys aren't married, but in some places you would probably be recognized as a common law couple.

 

2. When she admitted to being attracted to another man at work, you both agreed to assume it meant there was something wrong with the relationship. This does not necessarily follow. People are sexually attracted to new people and strangers all the time, but it doesn't mean that these impulses must be true and carried out.

 

 

I felt bad about what I had done to those other girls, as it turns out more than one of them had become attached. I felt like my long term partner and I had not actually solved the underlying problem, and that I didn't know what that even was.

 

Why did you not feel bad about hurting your girlfriend's feelings? I'm not saying that you should have, but it is interesting to note that you had the capacity for sympathy with women you knew for a considerably shorter period of time. Were you angry with your girlfriend for being attracted to another man and wanting to act on it?

[darrenski]

We have considered couple's councilling. We still talk at least once a week in person about how each of us is feeling, how we are coping with the new situation and whether we need space or time together, how we're going to approach continuing being friends. So there is fairly good communication there

 

Something I said to her recently is that I think I'm more of an introvert than I realised. I have a very strong filter between my thoughts and my words. I'm starting to think this occurs on a subconscious level where I may be disallowing certain thoughts to be conscious because I know they'll make her sad or mad and if I don't think it then I won't say it. Does that make any sense?

 

Was I angry? Probably. I have a history of bottling up anger though so I'm not entirely sure. As a child I would have outbursts maybe once every few years. I've had one angry outburst during my professional life, at the office. I boiled over internally, excused myself as a stormed out the room, and then sat outside on the stairs to cool off. That was triggered by a disagreement of some mundane level, but it was a year of tension with a particular colleague. We're actually pretty close friends now, as far as work colleagues go.

 

I don't feel like that about her though. It would seem fairly normal to be angry at your long term partner wanting to act on sexual interest in others I suppose, but I don't think I am.

 

If I think about it now then there is definitely a flicker of anger about it. Towards the man she was interested in, not her. Obviously it's not his fault, and I'm sure he's a nice person. But I'm not going to lie there is a base-of-the-skull irrational part of me that wants to snap his neck

 

I hope that doesn't make me sound like too much of a psychopath. Obviously I have no intention of acting on any violent impulse like that. I hope I don't end up like Jim Carrey in Me Myself and Irene.

[QueechoFeecho]

Did you guys RTR in any recognizable way?

[danielle9184]

I am very sorry for the pain of your loss. I know how it seems that if a relationship has maintained itself for so long, it seems like it ought to go on forever. You both seem like such reasonable people. In a screwed up world, individuals able to temper logic and emotions are hard to find. I don't see it as difficult to understand, then, why you wouldn't want her out of your life entirely.

 

Women tend to become more attached through sex or, at least, they wear it on their shoulder more. (Oxytocin and such) I have often felt, personally, that it's unfair for men, who are not ignorant to this fact, to sleep with women that they don't desire an emotional attachment with. It's no surprise to me then that the women you had slept with in your single period had attachments to you. I would be wary of them looking for a commitment of exclusivity from you sooner than you are prepared to give it if you are trying to avoid the rebound thing. Just something to look out for.

 

I wish you best of luck. I would, if I were you, look for a therapist to help you sort it out.

[darrenski]

Did you guys RTR in any recognizable way?

I'm pretty sure that stands for Real Time Relationships? I've only read UPB thus far - but I think I'll read that now. Like... right now.

 

Thanks for the question.

[darrenski]

You've all been very helpful in probing me on this. I'm recovering quite well. My flat got bedbugs, so I'm living in my office now, hopefully will have a new flat by next week. Once I'm settled in there I think it'll be easier to move on and start working properly on pulling myself together.

 

Thank you all very much, I'll do my best to pass the buck.

 

- Darren