Don't BLARP me Bro!! (Or Girl in this case) I think I'm under duress

[Perticus]

Hey guys, I just joined the forums and after a few months of listening to Stefan, I've finally made up for it with a donation. Thanks in advance for reading this and your input on what you think might be a good course of action. I hope to continue to support the show and Stefan and his crew's work.

 

So anyway, I wanted to see what you guys think about this.... I could use some good advice on how to deal with a potential drama queen female... 

 

A few months ago I started a new job. It's pretty good quality highly technical work and pays well. I am part of a 5 person team. With myself and 3 others being more of the front line. I have noticed that pretty much all of them are Human WRECKS. And I have made a lot of progress with my own life and understanding where my own dysfunctions came from and grown a lot as a human being. But seeing them barely holding together and getting through the day and having to deal with their eccentricities constantly kind of stresses me out. However, the guys in the team are doing a lot better than the female. At least we already had the conflict necessary (apparently) to establish a certain amount of respect for each other and are now getting along better. But the female team member on the other hand, things have been a bit more complicated and stressful lately.

 

She's 30 years old, catholic (she claims) and very opinionated and judgmental on everything (and everyone)... But not because she has carefully researched reached good empirical conclusions. She has 4 kids, the oldest with a guy she never married, the last 3 with a guy who she calls a narcissist and they are multiple years spread...she has stated herself that her mother is kind of crazy and dark and negative, and that her father was psychologically abusive and perhaps a bully in his past at school. She is currently going through divorce with the last father of her kids and I can tell she has been having a tough time. But she is securing a lot of money from their paychecks as we speak. Her brothers and sisters are dysfunctional and barely surviving through what appears to be depression and a string of bad relationships.

 

She is probably a 6-7 in the attractiveness scale. She probably was an 8 before the kids. I'm like an 8 because I'm not tall enough to claim higher... but I can tell women get some crushes on me ocassionally and I will admit I don't mind the ego boosts and the welcoming attitudes, since my confidence was not this good before due to all my childhood trauma... But I'm married, and although I know I'm an egg hunter by nature, and I can definitely tell that this is the case because this helps some women break through my defenses, I would never mess with this woman in any other way than reasonable friendship. I am honestly a bit disturbed by her. I think my friendly attitude may have gotten me an unwanted "one-way friendship" with this lady from work.

 

I am tired of her dumping on me all her emotional baggage and also all her poorly thought out opinions which she holds so adamantly. I don't want to just shut down my personality and not state things that might offend her and her religiosity and anti-birth control ideology. I feel like I have been far too friendly and now she thinks she has me as her personal listening device and "white knight". I don't mind listening and extending a friendly hand but what's the point when I never seem to get anywhere, she repeats her dumping almost daily, and she never seems to want to listen to my advice, which I have carefully crafted with help of all the useful knowledge from Stefan.

 

I really don't want to allow anything to damage my chances in this job. I am working very hard... But then, my flow and my emotions get affected when I interact with this lady. And I don't think I like this anymore. I have already seen her explode at one of the other guys and accuse another of being overly "sexual" which is not something I have noticed at all. And she is always publicly judging people that are not there to represent themselves. She easily gets access to our manager's ear for extended periods of dumping and bullshitting. I feel at a huge disadvantage if I were to do something that made her turn against me.

 

I have come to the realization that this woman is an emotional bully, probably. It makes me sick and anxious... I have felt it in my chest lately. I feel sorry for all her traumas and brainwashing, but I'm starting to realize this one is too far gone and is more like a bottle of nitroglycerin hanging by a thread and somehow attached to some part of my body at this time, probably somewhere near my penis actually...

 

So the truth inside me says: be honest, tell her that she is kind of affecting me in a negative way and I would like her to invest herself emotionally in the friendship if she wants to have friendship, but right now I am wasting my emotional energy engaging with her due to the fact that she doesn't really listen or open her mind to other opinions, and my trust in her as a friend or buddy is seriously shaken by all the shit she talks about others in our industry that I have not yet met. It seems wrong that she is this ultimate Judge of everyone. I don't see her empathy, she just knows enough about psychology to call herself an "em path" and blame all her attitudes on her past. 

 

But the part of me that cares about achieving my goals in life tells me if I do talk in such an honest and forward way, the booby trap which appears to be strapped somewhere near my penis will be triggered and she is going to go off on me and cause the other males around me to go in a damsel in distress saving crusade against me... I already have gotten a bit of a taste of this from one of them when I expressed disagreement in the whole idea of not using birth control and letting God do all the "choosing", as well as when I expressed that some feminism goes against the fabric of nature and turns into general man-hate. 

 

Anyway, sorry about the long post and any coherent thoughts will be much appreciated. I can't really avoid her at work nor is leaving this job an option at this time. I also think her vagina seems to carry a lot of power in these parts, these other guys have Not listened to Stefan. I suspect if any of these coworkers listened to Stefan for a few minutes, they may go into shock. Lots of religion and irrationality and unprocessed subconscious egg hunting is at play in this environment. Just typing this has made me see the situation clearer.

 

Thanks for reading, your time and advice.

 

Perticus

 

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

I'll leave the deeper analyses and advice to others, but I just wanted to make the quick comment that bullies pick on people who they think are weaker than them. If you make it clear that it's dangerous to bully you (it might take two times. Bullies sometimes come back and check if the first time was a fluke), they'll find someone else to bully.

[Perticus]

Thanks for the reply Dylan. I think you're right, I've had to do that with some other people... they must have thought I was just too nice. But it feels odd to do it with this female. What I'm thinking is I'm going to just be less attentive to her when she comes around and just be more "stern" I guess... I tried it today and she didn't seem to blarp my ear off. It seemed like a bit more normal interaction. I am just going to be honest without actually saying words I guess...  This place is just a mess sometimes...

[ancapzeebo]

I'm sorry to hear that you have to work so closely with someone like that.  Best of luck with whatever you choose to do.  

[Perticus]

I want to update the situation a bit. Looks like things are evolving for the better. I kind of confronted this person, although she kind of snapped on me afterwards, I kept a fairly solid position. 

 

What happened was that she started talking poorly of someone who is our "boss" kind of... and I have already had enough conflicts with that person and we seem to have reached some sort of amount of respect. So anyway, I ended up asking what change exactly she would like to see and took it from there. 

 

She then started saying I was being way too serious, and I responded by saying that if she continues there could be potentially serious consequences, so I'm not trying to scare her, but people lose jobs and cause investigations and stuff. So anyway, she raised her voice and stuff and I told her not to get angry, that I was just being honest, and wanted to know what she wanted. 

 

She was mad at me for a little bit and she then tried to say exactly what she wanted, which had something to do with leadership and getting things done right. We ended up agreeing that there are things that need work but we need to take initiative and promote the team's health. 

 

It seemed to work but then a few hours later, she ended up talking shit about someone else. I'm starting to think this person is just addicted to drama, and it is divisive and toxic. 

 

We also got into a bit of a conversation about trust and I said that even though there may be different levels of trust, I want to know that I can trust the people doing business with. And I really disliked her response, she said that it was going to be up to me to determine whether or not I can trust her. 

 

Sigh, I feel like I established my "angle" as best as I could. But I find that there is a decay back to pettiness, and it is frustrating, but I don't know  that there is a way to completely change that. I might just have to create the best circumstances I can for myself while in there and make sure I dot all my i's and cross my t's  as they say... :/