Filip Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Hello! I have a recurrent theme in my dreams: regardless of what I am dreaming about, there often is a moment where I have to do something, but a minute task that prevents me from doing it extends to infinity, effectively blocking me from doing that thing and thus creating a rising sensation of anxiety and helplessness in me. A recent example would be that in the story of my dream, I wanted to travel to a certain city, and some people were waiting for me with their car to take me there. I hadn't payed for it or known them very well, sort of like hitchhiking scenario, so I very much depended on their patience and kindness. So when these people arrived before my house, I went in to get my things. Suddenly, however, there were hundreds of shoes, so I couldn't find mine. It was as if the entire world froze down, and I kept looking for mine with a very slow speed - all the while my anxiety level was rising, knowing that these people would leave if I kept them waiting for too long. After I had finally found it, I remembered that I also have to take my bag, and then the whole idea of searching and not finding began again. When I was in school a different example might be being asked for a homework, and then my bag turning into a container of infinity where there was everything but my homework. The purest form of this dream was when I dreamed that I didn't even have a conscious target or goal, but I just had to do something but my movements and actions all happened in slow-motion, and I knew I wasn't getting to my goal, though I didn't even know what it was. These moments in my dreams never really end in any way, I never get to finish my action or be faced with any consequences of not finishing it. It just keep dreaming on with all the anxiety and feelings of helplessness until something wakes me up. Have you ever had such dreams? I don't feel a sense of lacking control in my real life, so I am in a sense baffled by these dreams. What could they mean? What do they tell me about myself?
villagewisdom Posted November 2, 2014 Posted November 2, 2014 Hi Pilip, These scenarios remind me of a way of thinking that I discovered in myself that I have since addressed and am having great success with changing. As a child I was taught that I needed to do unpleasant things before getting what I wanted. Such as "you must clean your room before going out to play". Or "you must eat your vegetables before getting desert." As an adult I noticed that I would do exactly what you are describing whenever I thought of something I wanted to do. I would think "oh I really want to do this." And then I would proceed to come up with a list of "tasks" that needed to be accomplished before I could go and do or learn what I really wanted to do. In the end, I was rarely doing what I really wanted to do because there were all of these other things that needed to occur first. Thankfully, I have finally seen it and now laugh at myself when I start this way of thinking. It used to interfere with even the simplest of desires. Like I might want to go for a walk just to be outdoors because I love it. However, immediately I would think "oh I need to finish the laundry and clean the bathroom and sweep the floor" and on and on. You see? All necessary and useful tasks to be accomplished. But the bottom line is that it would get late and I had to cook dinner or it got dark or I got so involved I forgot what I wanted to do. I was never really doing what I really, really wanted to do. I am overjoyed to say that I recognize this kind of thinking now. and I go for the walk. And you know what? The other things still get done. It's amazing. What do you think? 2
Blackfish64 Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 Hi Flip, I had a recurring dream through childhood and teens where this ghastly 900 lb. goon was chasing me through the darkness and I was desperately afraid for my life and trying to run away. But my legs felt like a ton of lead, I could move only in slow motion, and I could not escape. He was always behind me, laughing as he easily reached out to grab me and kill me. Just as he was about to grab me, I would awake in a cold sweat, breathing rapidly, sitting up in bed, sometimes screaming. I was always a pushover, a passive-aggressive, a "nice guy" as a child and teen. I did what I was told, never asked for or got what I wanted, etc. My daughter was soon to be born when I was twenty two. I was officially sick and tired of taking crap from people by then. What would I look like to my little daughter if I were stupid and letting everyone push me around? Unthinkable. The dream came to me again. The old familiar hot breath on the back of my neck, the giant, crushing hand about to smash down... 'Enough of this bullshit!' Thought I. My conscious mind was also watching the dream and I stepped in, I took control. I ignored the lead in my legs and became light as a feather at will. I sped ahead of the goon, then turned on him to confront him and take him out. By the time I turned to get my first ever look at him, I saw only a flash of his backside as he was turned and running for his life. I woke up calm , cool, collected, and smiling. Sometimes, if you are awake/aware enough in the dream, you can step in and take over and create your own outcome. I always do that when the dream is recurring and annoying me, like that one was. If the dream is enjoyable, I prefer to leave it alone and see what happens. I never had that goon dream or one like it since. That was almost thirty years ago.
Filip Posted November 3, 2014 Author Posted November 3, 2014 Hi Pilip, These scenarios remind me of a way of thinking that I discovered in myself that I have since addressed and am having great success with changing. As a child I was taught that I needed to do unpleasant things before getting what I wanted. Such as "you must clean your room before going out to play". Or "you must eat your vegetables before getting desert." As an adult I noticed that I would do exactly what you are describing whenever I thought of something I wanted to do. I would think "oh I really want to do this." And then I would proceed to come up with a list of "tasks" that needed to be accomplished before I could go and do or learn what I really wanted to do. In the end, I was rarely doing what I really wanted to do because there were all of these other things that needed to occur first. Thankfully, I have finally seen it and now laugh at myself when I start this way of thinking. It used to interfere with even the simplest of desires. Like I might want to go for a walk just to be outdoors because I love it. However, immediately I would think "oh I need to finish the laundry and clean the bathroom and sweep the floor" and on and on. You see? All necessary and useful tasks to be accomplished. But the bottom line is that it would get late and I had to cook dinner or it got dark or I got so involved I forgot what I wanted to do. I was never really doing what I really, really wanted to do. I am overjoyed to say that I recognize this kind of thinking now. and I go for the walk. And you know what? The other things still get done. It's amazing. What do you think? A very interesting perspective! I had the same thing in my childhood, and thinking about it, it was the closest feeling in real-life to the sensation in my dreams. It is the same kind of slow-motion, frozen obedience which seems to never end. I thank you for that association. On the other hand, I chose a different path in this situation and it seems to affect me even today. After I was a bit older, I would often rebel against these conditional "pleasures". My exact words were "I will not be terrorized", meaning that I will not be bullied into doing something I didn't wished to do, only to be "allowed" to do something I should have the right to do. This defiance was crucial to me at the time - I always thought that should I give in, I would be losing ground and opening up further demands in the future. It was very much a win-lose mentality, but I feel that it was necessary at the time. It both a principled and a necessary resistance. The issue seems to be that I took this instinct that was inflicted upon me into my adult life as well - I would hesitate to comply to even very reasonable demands for fear of "losing grounds". I kind of kept this win-lose mentality even when it wasn't really necessary. I also have a procrastination issue (though it's not as powerful as it used to be) - which might also be a continued defiance to the, this time reasonable, demands of others. So I kind of took the opposite route, and I am less blocked by doing "things that need to be accomplished" and am instead prevented from fully enjoying the moment by failing to do certain important chores or tasks that would give me the peace of mind to enjoy the rest of the day. Am I correct in assuming you took the compliance route in this question? Hi Flip, I had a recurring dream through childhood and teens where this ghastly 900 lb. goon was chasing me through the darkness and I was desperately afraid for my life and trying to run away. But my legs felt like a ton of lead, I could move only in slow motion, and I could not escape. He was always behind me, laughing as he easily reached out to grab me and kill me. Just as he was about to grab me, I would awake in a cold sweat, breathing rapidly, sitting up in bed, sometimes screaming. I was always a pushover, a passive-aggressive, a "nice guy" as a child and teen. I did what I was told, never asked for or got what I wanted, etc. My daughter was soon to be born when I was twenty two. I was officially sick and tired of taking crap from people by then. What would I look like to my little daughter if I were stupid and letting everyone push me around? Unthinkable. The dream came to me again. The old familiar hot breath on the back of my neck, the giant, crushing hand about to smash down... 'Enough of this bullshit!' Thought I. My conscious mind was also watching the dream and I stepped in, I took control. I ignored the lead in my legs and became light as a feather at will. I sped ahead of the goon, then turned on him to confront him and take him out. By the time I turned to get my first ever look at him, I saw only a flash of his backside as he was turned and running for his life. I woke up calm , cool, collected, and smiling. Sometimes, if you are awake/aware enough in the dream, you can step in and take over and create your own outcome. I always do that when the dream is recurring and annoying me, like that one was. If the dream is enjoyable, I prefer to leave it alone and see what happens. I never had that goon dream or one like it since. That was almost thirty years ago. I have rarely had this kind of control in my dreams, though it's not unimaginable. Still, I think that while you are describing this more as "turning point" kind of scenario, there must have been a process which perhaps ended, or culminated in the refusal to be bullied, in your dreams and by extension in your life. Could you tell me more about the process through which you got there?
villagewisdom Posted November 3, 2014 Posted November 3, 2014 A very interesting perspective! I had the same thing in my childhood, and thinking about it, it was the closest feeling in real-life to the sensation in my dreams. It is the same kind of slow-motion, frozen obedience which seems to never end. I thank you for that association. On the other hand, I chose a different path in this situation and it seems to affect me even today. After I was a bit older, I would often rebel against these conditional "pleasures". My exact words were "I will not be terrorized", meaning that I will not be bullied into doing something I didn't wished to do, only to be "allowed" to do something I should have the right to do. This defiance was crucial to me at the time - I always thought that should I give in, I would be losing ground and opening up further demands in the future. It was very much a win-lose mentality, but I feel that it was necessary at the time. It both a principled and a necessary resistance. The issue seems to be that I took this instinct that was inflicted upon me into my adult life as well - I would hesitate to comply to even very reasonable demands for fear of "losing grounds". I kind of kept this win-lose mentality even when it wasn't really necessary. I also have a procrastination issue (though it's not as powerful as it used to be) - which might also be a continued defiance to the, this time reasonable, demands of others. So I kind of took the opposite route, and I am less blocked by doing "things that need to be accomplished" and am instead prevented from fully enjoying the moment by failing to do certain important chores or tasks that would give me the peace of mind to enjoy the rest of the day. Am I correct in assuming you took the compliance route in this question? I did take the compliance route. Although, after hearing your perspective I am now relating this to my issues with binge eating and alcohol. I recently discovered a kind of entitlement mentality that I have developed around the food especially. It is about potato chips and chocolate. There is a cycle that I was going through that was deprivation followed by binging on chips and chocolate "because I deserved to have what I want" and also associated was the thought "because I am an adult now I can eat whatever I want and as much as I want." I think the problem with alcohol is the same. Though I wasn't deprived of that as a child, it is the reduction of the ability to make proper judgments that was getting me in trouble there. I would drink some and then with impaired judgment I would continue to drink and not really know how much I was actually consuming. But again, I could drink as much as I wanted because I was making my own choices now. I've stopped the alcohol now and the chips/chocolate but now cookies and cupcakes are giving me an issue. It is all about chasing around this same thought though. I just keep plugging away at it. The topic shows up in my dreams also. Just a thought, because you mentioned the win-lose mentality. Have you tried negotiating win-win scenarios with yourself? I'm working on that with the food issue I mentioned. I opened the doors in my mind to eating absolutely anything I want and as much as I want. The only condition is that I must actually be hungry and I must stop when I am no longer hungry. I'm learning the skill of listening to my body and letting it tell me what I want. The result is that I have found that I immediately stopped binging because I am no longer deprived. I win and my body wins. I am actually enjoying good food, have found that the sweets and junk really don't taste that good if you really give them your full attention. And it worked to stop the binging of the chips, the chocolate and cookies. Now I'm working on cupcakes. I'm hoping that once I get through the list of stuff that I was forbidden as a child, I will be back on the road to only eating what's really good for me. With the occasional pleasure of whatever sweet is appealing in the moment.
Blackfish64 Posted November 4, 2014 Posted November 4, 2014 Well, Flip, as much as I would like to take full credit for initiating a process in which I overcame letting other people shove me around, I really can't do that. Basically, I just got sick and tired of them and of myself and decided I wasn't going to do it this way anymore. That's how I do most things. I don't really have a plan. At the very most, I have a picture... OK, a plan... in my head, in which I can see my future, and I simply execute it at will. I just decide what I want and go on the offensive. Yes, I know, it's a terrible habit and doesn't work for everything. I could work more effectively, I know, but haven't gotten around to it yet. I'm still full of my youthful exuberance and would have a hard time parting with my bow and arrows. I'm a thinker and a doer. I'm a man of direct action. I think and do on my feet. The grass does not grow under my feet. It's another reason I am so good at the hotel business. I'm a Mohawk in a loincloth, war paint, and a tomahawk. I'm the guy on the buckboard with the reins in one hand and the whip in the other. I'm the whipper and the driver. I will get the job done no matter what, no matter what it takes. The End Even as a manager, I could never keep from rolling up my sleeves and getting elbow to elbow with the help. Let's git 'er done, y'all.
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