I think I hate my little sister.

[The Red Prince]

But I don't think I want to. I remember from one of the earlier podcasts that Stefan or somebody said you know you hate someone when you do not want to engage with the person at all. My ambivalence towards my sister started when I was kicked out of my mom's place earlier this year. Me and mom got into an argument and I was extremely angry, I ground my mother down in accepting how wrong she was and she was melting into tears-- which was making me angrier, but I never attacked her physically. My sister, (who was ignoring me for the past 6 months, even though only a thin wall separated us, for NO reason despite my numerous attempts to talk or hang out), bursts out and defends mom, treating like I was crazy, which broke my heart. In anger I flick her off as I retreat, and she attacks me. Physically. My little sister whom I've always loved attacked me with the intent to harm, and I end up kicked out the very next day.

 

Nowadays I see her from time to time when Dad has her on the weekends, but I have no desire to really communicate with her anymore. I can tell in my father's tone when he mentions her doings that he's expecting me to actually talk to her, and I should be ashamed for not, but I truly cannot bring myself to do it. I have yet to hear an actual apology and I've been apologizing to women about how they treat me all my life-- no more.

 

What I'm curious is do I truly hate my little sister because I really CANNOT bring myself to even try to engage with her?

[MMX2010]

I'm sorry to press you for details, but I'm not sure how I feel about your post due to so many missing details.

 

How old are you?  How old is your sister?  What do you mean by "ground your mother down"?  And what do you mean by "whenever Dad has her on weekends"?

[A__]

But I don't think I want to. I remember from one of the earlier podcasts that Stefan or somebody said you know you hate someone when you do not want to engage with the person at all. My ambivalence towards my sister started when I was kicked out of my mom's place earlier this year. Me and mom got into an argument and I was extremely angry, I ground my mother down in accepting how wrong she was and she was melting into tears-- which was making me angrier, but I never attacked her physically. My sister, (who was ignoring me for the past 6 months, even though only a thin wall separated us, for NO reason despite my numerous attempts to talk or hang out), bursts out and defends mom, treating like I was crazy, which broke my heart. In anger I flick her off as I retreat, and she attacks me. Physically. My little sister whom I've always loved attacked me with the intent to harm, and I end up kicked out the very next day.

 

Nowadays I see her from time to time when Dad has her on the weekends, but I have no desire to really communicate with her anymore. I can tell in my father's tone when he mentions her doings that he's expecting me to actually talk to her, and I should be ashamed for not, but I truly cannot bring myself to do it. I have yet to hear an actual apology and I've been apologizing to women about how they treat me all my life-- no more.

 

What I'm curious is do I truly hate my little sister because I really CANNOT bring myself to even try to engage with her?

 

It doesn't automatically mean you hate her. You might just need some time to reflect on your relationship. It might do her some good too. Sometimes people need time to calm down especially when they don't feel ready or safe to talk.

She can be the one to gently pursue you with apologies and interest in rebuilding a relationship with her brother.  Attacking will not be tolerated in decent relationships.   You have every right to retreat in any way you can until this is recognized and worked on. 

 

In any case, your father using shame as a tactic doesn't respect your capacity to reason.   

 

I wish I had more to offer.  I'm sorry you're caught up in these emotional tornadoes and I hope you're able to stay calm enough for your own sanity until you can sail out of them.  

[dsayers]

In anger I flick her off as I retreat, and she attacks me. Physically. My little sister whom I've always loved attacked me with the intent to harm

 

I thought your recount seemed heavily editorialized. This part here is downright manipulative. Flipping somebody off is not retreating. It is something that is done with intent to harm. Physical/not physical isn't relevant; You were using your sister's sense of sight and emotional investment as a weapon against her. Was her retaliation with physical violence comparable in scope? I don't know, but I can't qualify it as the INITIATION of the use of force.

 

You don't have to keep somebody in your life just because of their genetic ties to you. I also know that it's easier to repair an established relationship than it is to form a new one. I don't know what your relationship was with her before, but I don't think it would be inappropriate for you to initiate contact with her and lead by apologizing for provoking her. If she continues to maintain her position of not apologizing to you, at least you will have settled your own debt to her. Which I anticipate would make the decision to not allow her in you life to be a less conflicting one.

[A__]

I assumed "flick off" was an expression like "shrug off" but I stand corrected.   By retreat I mean only deescalation. In other words, when confronted with an impossible situation where you can't withdraw physically, you can change the topic or, failing that, somehow appease the attacker. Of course this means avoiding any combative gestures or facial expressions. It's like putting a mask on. To be sure, it’s only a temporary tool.  I used to do this often in my family but another problem was, I internalized the persona instead of understanding it was just a tool.

 

As MMX2010 stated, helpful details are missing so I’m replying in regard to the gist alone. I’d be interested in other details if you’d like to share more.  

 

 

If she continues to maintain her position of not apologizing to you, at least you will have settled your own debt to her. Which I anticipate would make the decision to not allow her in you life to be a less conflicting one.

 

 

I think this is very helpful advice. 

[The Red Prince]

Very helpful advice all. It definitely helps in clarification of a truly confusing situation. The very next day of the incident I wrote her a lengthy letter specifically apologizing for flicking her off  (we were not on speaking terms but I wanted to reach out somehow, to tell her how I really felt about her) I don't feel good about it nor do I believe it was justified. I should have included this in my original post, I admit I was in an unexpected emotional state, so the content is obviously slanted. I apologize. Was the letter effective? I can not know-- she never got back to me, and I was out that same day. She is five years younger than me, and throughout our childhood I NEVER saw any reason to bully, tease, or hurt her intentionally. Our parents divorced and Dad moved my mother and sister out, I had to stay because I was 18 at the time, and was expected to make it on my own by then soon after. I know that had to be extremely painful and confusing for my sister, and the events of that night can clearly be seen as not necessarily an attack against my personage, but an explosion of anger against the entire situation.  

 

By "grounding my mother down" I do not imply simply reducing her to tears in revenge, or something malicious. I simply refused to back down from my position, which was that she would not acknowledge my feelings, and this was the reason why I was so angry. That same day I was in a very deep depression and fell into self-harm (again), I was struggling with this, and hadn't slept for days. I was jobless, I had returned from jail for smoking weed (which I had since quit in effort of overcoming my dependance on the substance, which probably led to my depression in the first place, some kind of emotional withdrawal), and had cut out my old friends to whom I was very attached, but knew were not good influences.

 

I could not express this to my mother because she was gone with her boyfriend all day and night, and slept until the afternoon. For years I had tried to be honest with my family to no avail, and because of the lack of conversation, I became paranoid, thinking that they were judging me that I had been to jail, and that I smoked pot... and probably gay (a whole other story). All of this was swirling in my head when Mother came in that night obviously influenced from her boyfriend trying to forcefully tell me to get a job. I could hold my emotional dam no longer, and I told her how I felt.

 

I was VERY angry at the time, but if I was wrong I was wrong. I apologized to all parties before I had to move out, but the truth of the matter is, even if I were to try to re initiate contact with my sister in particular, which I have, numerous times even after the climax, would she really know me? I can say with complete certainty that my FOO has never really known me as a person. I mean, if she doesn't want to talk to me, maybe I just got defooed?

 

I'm trying my best to not to be defensive, so I'll end it here.

 

Tell me what you think.

[PGP]

Red Prince, sorry you are going through this. Such acrimony in families is so destructive. 

I have a suggestion that came to mind straight away, so depending on further details, it might be worth considering. 

It looks like there is a certain "circling of the wagons" between your sister and mother. For your sister to maintain a loyalty to your mother, especially if she is still dependent on her primarily is understandable. Having physical proximity does not seem to have resulted well.

I suggest writing a letter and giving your perspective. That way the heat is taken out and some space can be given to your sister. It might clear the air and allow your sister time to reflect on things for a while with the knowledge of your true feelings and thoughts.

It could be tricky though if your sister is still dependent on your mother. If letting her know certain things causes other issues with your mother, it may be confusing for your sister. If you have further details to clarify, that would be great.