avoiding serious discussions

[dsayers]

I was having dinner with a friend/mentor/boss last night. During a conversation, it came up that voting was taking place the next day. He could tell by my reaction that this was news to me. He asked, "You're not registered to vote?" I said, "Absolutely not. I don't have the right to threaten and tell other people to do, so I cannot give that right to other people." He had nothing to say in response.

 

In contrast, a bit later, I was telling him about how my father has a woodpile that he will likely never make use of and how this contrasts with my father's fear of insect infestation. My friend responded by telling me how wood should be stacked for maximum dryness. I wasn't sure where that came from and he quickly revealed that he wasn't either.

 

We had entered into a debate which I will spare you the details of. The takeaway for me was that the debate on how to stack wood for maximum dryness served as a contrast of his unwillingness to explore the possibility that voting is the initiation of the use of force.

 

He used to be in the marines and currently benefits from VA-provided health care, but he accepts that most of what the State does is wrong. He's a good friend and a gentle man in general, but it bothers me that our conversations can never be about serious issues. I wanted to see what other people thought about how to approach this with him moving forward.

[Wuzzums]

The way I see it either the person is not interested in the subject or avoiding the subject, maybe because of a conflict of ideals. When someone's not interested the least they can do is listen. Trying to shove the topic into the conversation over and over again will just show a lack of empathy. And if the topic is being avoided it just shows to me how superficial a person is with their relationships. They're not even willing to offer the"agree to disagree" cop-out.

[powder]

that is a tough one isn't it?  I think it takes months and even years to develop the kind of trust and intimacy required to have those kinds of conversations with most people.  We are talking about the big stuff of morality and the state that people have been conditioned to avoid.  If the person cares about you and your ideas then they will be more likely to be open to you expressing them with them and showing curiosity, even if they are not comfortable with some of them.  If they use tactics to avoid and try to suppress your desire to express yourself that gives you an idea of the kind of relationship they are willing to have with you.  Conversely, I don't think it is good to want to engage someone in conversations without empathy and patience for what is required for them to process them.  

 

why does it bother you that he is not into having serious conversations?  I get it, I have those feelings too about some people in my life.  Still, I have all kinds of relationships and some are much more socially superficial than others.  

[BaylorPRSer]

Just read Real Time Relationships.  I don't know if I fully grasp it yet, but my understanding of it's central idea, is that to achieve maximum happiness and freedom in your relationships, you need to be honest about what you are experiencing in the moment.  What sort of reactions do you think you would get if this topic entered your mind next time you are around him and you literally told him everything you just wrote?  I realize reading the book, that empathy has caused to me apply some of RTR's principles in the past before I'd ever found it.  I can recall times where I've even mentioned the principles out loud to help preface what I was about to say.  Something to the effect of "I know that we've already discussed this, but this just popped into my head and I want to be honest with you about what I'm experiencing. . . " then go on to say whatever it is that my mind regards as difficult to express, but simultaneously important to our relationship.  Hope that helps.