One step away from non-existence.

[Jot]

I’m obsessed with the thought of being stupid. I have so much fog in my brain…it is quite a recent thing though…I usually have to battle with demonizing obsession but this one I feel is out of the ordinary league. Every thought that enters my mind at the moment of writing this is without finality…it begins then just vanishes, I can’t stay focused on anything more than a couple of seconds. I feel abandoned by my every mental ability, I am empty-headed and incoherent…numb. I feel no drive for anything at all. My internal dialogue is non-exsistent, a predatory depression took control over my body and my mind. I feel helplessness and there is nothing  I can think of that would take me out of this dark emotional state.

[surfingthoughts]

Hi there, a few quick questions, you don't have to answer them here but they might be worth considering:

 

1) Do you journal (if so how often?)

 

2) Do you see a therapist?

 

3a) You mentioned you have no drive at the moment, has this always been the case?

3b) Have you relied on external pressure such as deadlines and people pestering you to do things rather than motivating yourself to do it?

 

4a) You say you feel numb, what is your current situation (living arrangements, job, relationships ect...)?

4b) Try and be aware of emotions you may be suppressing them, anger for me was one of the things that I suppressed, what might you be suppressing?

 

5) When is the last time you praised yourself for doing something well or handling something better than you would have previously? 

 

6) Have you considered a change of environment? Sometimes we associate certain places with certain moods and this can be hard to get past, if moving is too extreme even going outside for a short walk can really help.

 

 

I am quite early in my journey but I think these questions above are worth exploring I fully recommend a therapist it will (if you get the right one) fast track you on your journey as long as you put a bit of effort in. Journaling is very useful although I myself would benefit from doing this more which I hope to start doing soon as I am changing my environment. When your doing self work sometimes it can seem like a explosion of thoughts and its hard to process it all never mind benefit from it. Journaling is useful in this case to stop you going round in circles and a therapist can help you home in on certain aspects and bring up things that you hadn't previously considered.

[ancapzeebo]

I felt the same way up until recently.  Are you new to anarcho-capitalism/philosophy?

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

Have you analyzed your diet?

[villagewisdom]

My experience is likely not the same as yours. But if you are in a place of relative safety and comfort and don't need to go anywhere for a while, you might consider letting it play out. You might get into the feeling instead of trying to make it go away. You might observe and examine it in detail.

 

For me that might take several days -- but sometimes not. I've had some pretty awesome revelations during times of darkness, confusion, depression, racing thoughts, numb thoughts and chaotic thoughts. I've only been able to sit with it all the way through a couple of times as it always resolved on its own no matter what I did. It was just easier for me if I didn't try to fight it. I just woke up one day and was back to "normal". 

[Jot]

I felt the same way up until recently.  Are you new to anarcho-capitalism/philosophy?

 

Have you analyzed your diet?

I regularly eat pretty healthily but since this mood I cannot stop but sneak in some unhealthy food in my daily routine.

[Drew.]

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm not entirely certain what is happening for you, but it does sound like what your experiencing is really intense and consuming. I know that I've felt that at times with other emotions, things like despair and dread. I've experienced mind-blanking as well, but not to the same degree that you seem to be experiencing it. I'm sorry man, that sucks.

 

If  you want someone to talk to about this, I would like to offer my services. I have experience helping people work through this mental fog, and I think I might be of value to you as well.

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

I regularly eat pretty healthily but since this mood I cannot stop but sneak in some unhealthy food in my daily routine.

What does healthy mean to you? Are you avoiding additives like artificial sweeteners, MSG, cheap oils, etc.?

 

Are you eating a lot of good oils? Coconut oil, avocado oil, fish oil, etc.?

 

Also, are you eating wheat? I recently found out how horrible wheat is for humans and have removed it from my diet. I've heard of people having their heads clearing up a lot when they get wheat out of their diets.

 

Not trying to imply that your diet is your problem, but it might be a good first place to look.

[cynicist]

Why?

[PGP]

I would like to know what have been the major events in your life over the past two-three years. Especially as they relate to family, big life changes, relationships, career or ed. and what your reaction to these changes has been. Not in retrospect, if this makes any sense but what were you experiencing (if anything) at the time. In your gut.

Also, is there any area of uncertainty in your life at the moment or facing you that is out of the ordinary so to speak. ie a choice or choices to be made?

Are you doing something or having a relationship with someone that makes you feel numb when you think about it?

 

I am asking alot here, but in my experience so far in life, these are the questions I wish someone would have asked me when I was experiencing something I believe was very similar from what I have read so far.

[Blackfish64]

I’m obsessed with the thought of being stupid. I have so much fog in my brain…it is quite a recent thing though…I usually have to battle with demonizing obsession but this one I feel is out of the ordinary league. Every thought that enters my mind at the moment of writing this is without finality…it begins then just vanishes, I can’t stay focused on anything more than a couple of seconds. I feel abandoned by my every mental ability, I am empty-headed and incoherent…numb. I feel no drive for anything at all. My internal dialogue is non-exsistent, a predatory depression took control over my body and my mind. I feel helplessness and there is nothing  I can think of that would take me out of this dark emotional state.

 

Let's see... writes complete sentences and thoughts with extreme clarity, extremely well punctuated.  Definitely not foggy, unfocused, or stupid.  Obviously takes longer than a couple of seconds to put an excellent piece like this together.  Definitely can stay focused.  Definitely not empty-headed.  Definitely driven enough to write this piece.  

 

That is the nature of depression.  It doesn't want you to think there is a way out.  But there is.  There always is.  There is a way in and a way out of anything.  Writing is a great way to get that job done.  I would keep it up, if I were you.  You're extremely well focused, attentive, clear, full-headed, helpful, and enlightened. 

 

I was in a little depression, a little funk of my own as I made way to my computer and found your post.  I am lifting out of it now.  Thanks a lot!  Just what I needed! 

[Jot]

.

[Jot]

I felt the same way up until recently.  Are you new to anarcho-capitalism/philosophy?

I started listening to Stef about 9-10 months ago.

Hi there, a few quick questions, you don't have to answer them here but they might be worth considering:

 

1) Do you journal (if so how often?)

 

2) Do you see a therapist?

 

3a) You mentioned you have no drive at the moment, has this always been the case?

3b) Have you relied on external pressure such as deadlines and people pestering you to do things rather than motivating yourself to do it?

 

4a) You say you feel numb, what is your current situation (living arrangements, job, relationships ect...)?

4b) Try and be aware of emotions you may be suppressing them, anger for me was one of the things that I suppressed, what might you be suppressing?

 

5) When is the last time you praised yourself for doing something well or handling something better than you would have previously? 

 

6) Have you considered a change of environment? Sometimes we associate certain places with certain moods and this can be hard to get past, if moving is too extreme even going outside for a short walk can really help.

 

 

I am quite early in my journey but I think these questions above are worth exploring I fully recommend a therapist it will (if you get the right one) fast track you on your journey as long as you put a bit of effort in. Journaling is very useful although I myself would benefit from doing this more which I hope to start doing soon as I am changing my environment. When your doing self work sometimes it can seem like a explosion of thoughts and its hard to process it all never mind benefit from it. Journaling is useful in this case to stop you going round in circles and a therapist can help you home in on certain aspects and bring up things that you hadn't previously considered.

1.I often do introspection...don't know if this counts as journaling.

2.No

3.a.No, this happens when countless negative emotions, helplessness, despair, lack of control over my thinking stream rush into me. In May this year I described it this way :https://board.freedomainradio.com/topic/40091-i-think-im-going-mental/#entry367435

3.b.Always.

4.a.I'm still into high school (last year) live with my parents.

4.b.I don't think I can answer this at the moment.

5.I don't think I ever did.

6.Next year I will move in another city as I will start going to university.

 

Thank you.

Let's see... writes complete sentences and thoughts with extreme clarity, extremely well punctuated.  Definitely not foggy, unfocused, or stupid.  Obviously takes longer than a couple of seconds to put an excellent piece like this together.  Definitely can stay focused.  Definitely not empty-headed.  Definitely driven enough to write this piece.  

 

That is the nature of depression.  It doesn't want you to think there is a way out.  But there is.  There always is.  There is a way in and a way out of anything.  Writing is a great way to get that job done.  I would keep it up, if I were you.  You're extremely well focused, attentive, clear, full-headed, helpful, and enlightened. 

 

I was in a little depression, a little funk of my own as I made way to my computer and found your post.  I am lifting out of it now.  Thanks a lot!  Just what I needed! 

That really put a smile on my face thank you as well.

Why?

A single word arose in my mind as I read your question: bullying.

Why?

A single word arose in my mind as I read your question: bullying.

I would like to know what have been the major events in your life over the past two-three years. Especially as they relate to family, big life changes, relationships, career or ed. and what your reaction to these changes has been. Not in retrospect, if this makes any sense but what were you experiencing (if anything) at the time. In your gut.

Also, is there any area of uncertainty in your life at the moment or facing you that is out of the ordinary so to speak. ie a choice or choices to be made?

Are you doing something or having a relationship with someone that makes you feel numb when you think about it?

 

I am asking alot here, but in my experience so far in life, these are the questions I wish someone would have asked me when I was experiencing something I believe was very similar from what I have read so far.

1.For the last 4 years I have been attending high school...so the same thing over and over...no big change at all...not even a small one.

I felt numb, dissociated, depressed, helpless on a continual basis few moments of euphoria but mostly addicted to negative emotional states.

I would like to know what have been the major events in your life over the past two-three years. Especially as they relate to family, big life changes, relationships, career or ed. and what your reaction to these changes has been. Not in retrospect, if this makes any sense but what were you experiencing (if anything) at the time. In your gut.

Also, is there any area of uncertainty in your life at the moment or facing you that is out of the ordinary so to speak. ie a choice or choices to be made?

Are you doing something or having a relationship with someone that makes you feel numb when you think about it?

 

I am asking alot here, but in my experience so far in life, these are the questions I wish someone would have asked me when I was experiencing something I believe was very similar from what I have read so far.

1.For the last 4 years I have been attending high school...so the same thing over and over...no big change at all...not even a small one.

I felt numb, dissociated, depressed, helpless on a continual basis few moments of euphoria but mostly addicted to negative emotional states.

[cynicist]

A single word arose in my mind as I read your question: bullying.

1.For the last 4 years I have been attending high school...so the same thing over and over...no big change at all...not even a small one.

I felt numb, dissociated, depressed, helpless on a continual basis few moments of euphoria but mostly addicted to negative emotional states.

 

Why do you believe that you can't change it?

[Jot]

Why do you believe that you can't change it?

I believe I cannot change it because if I do I would have to get rid of most people in my life if not everyone.

[cynicist]

I believe I cannot change it because if I do I would have to get rid of most people in my life if not everyone.

 

Maybe so. What would you be losing if you did? 

[Jot]

Maybe so. What would you be losing if you did? 

For the most cases comfort and for the others fear.

 

I don't know if I answered exactly what you asked...is your question basically what "(emotional?!)benefits" I am having now opposed to what I would have to go through if I were to make this step in my life?

[cynicist]

You feel despair and helplessness because it seems as though your actions are futile; That no matter what you do the outcome is the same, and it's overwhelmingly negative. For your emotional state to change, you believe that you would have to get rid of most of the people in your life. (whether that's true or not, I don't know, but you believe it) And yet that can't be done, so you are condemned. How could you not be depressed at the thought?

 

I'm wondering what you would lose that would cause you to condemn yourself to this fate instead. Maybe it's comfort in the familiar, or maybe it's the easy life, if you believe the alternative is too difficult for you. It could be many things, and more than one thing. It could be that you fear even speaking to your family/friends because you believe the outcome to be certain, and that once you try you can't go back. It's something worth taking some time to think about.

[Blackfish64]

Am not so hot on the idea of no contact and driving people away from my life. Of course, there are times when no contact is absolutely necessary. That cannot be denied. And it is most advisable in some cases. But I am hotter on the idea of making myself stronger and more knowledgeable and going ahead and making my changes in my life the way I want them, and if somebody doesn't like it, well, that's just too bad. They can decide for themselves if they want to stick around, if they like the new me, if they want to deal with it. Sometimes when you make a change in your life, you become useless to some other people in your life and they just go away.  For example, long ago I was weak and let people push me around all the time. When I started pushing back, or simply telling people who once pushed me around that they weren't going to be allowed to do it anymore, the people who pushed me around no longer had any use for me and left me alone, or they were scared of me and left me alone. Either way I win. I didn't ask them to push me around in the first place, nor did I ask them to be afraid of me. they chose of their own free will to be foolish and this is where it got them.  Pull the little dog's tail one too many times... eventually he's going to turn around and bite you.

Another example, in the case of the narcissistic boss, I'm not going to hide in a corner and cry about his maltreatment of me; he and I are going to be down in human resources in front of a panel hashing it out. Believe me, I'm going to straighten this guy out and enjoy my work and my life whether or not he likes it.

Evil wins because good people stand by and do nothing, or they run away. I've never been any good at running. Again I won't rule out no contact or leaving a particular situation. Every situation is different.

Be happy. Be healthy. Get up, get moving, and go get what you want.

[Jot]

I'm wondering what you would lose that would cause you to condemn yourself to this fate instead.

I am not satisfied the way I answered this question I mean I get what you are asking but I find it hard to get the answer from myself...It like I ask this within myself but nothing really comes out of it. 

[Jot]

What does healthy mean to you? Are you avoiding additives like artificial sweeteners, MSG, cheap oils, etc.?

 

Are you eating a lot of good oils? Coconut oil, avocado oil, fish oil, etc.?

 

Also, are you eating wheat? I recently found out how horrible wheat is for humans and have removed it from my diet. I've heard of people having their heads clearing up a lot when they get wheat out of their diets.

 

Not trying to imply that your diet is your problem, but it might be a good first place to look.

You know what...I really eat a lot of wheat and I regularly need to get my jellies otherwise I have to eat a lot of sugar...Also I don't eat good oils...maybe I don't eat that healthy after all. 

[surfingthoughts]

(im on my phone so won't be quoting)

 

A few things came to mind when reading your reply to my post and others. Have you considered the idea that you might be a perfectionist? I am with certain aspects of my life, be careful if your answer is no and then compare yourself with someone else who you think is as that is kind of what perfectionist do. You are very hard on yourself which is common for perfectionists and this doesn't come from nowhere. (presuming I'm right...) Who are you trying to be a perfectionist for? This leads me onto my next question your going to university that's a great opertunity to meet people and learn about yourself and other things. Are you going to uni for yourself or to please someone else? Even if it is to please someone else it doesn't mean you shouldn't do it but to make the most out of uni you need to be doing it for the right reasons not to please someone else. What do you think about uni, how do you feel about the idea any worries regarding it?

 

How where you allowed to exspress your emotions as a child?

 

(Edit my mobile was low on battery so didn't get chance to say everything)

 

I think it would be beneficial to start praising yourself when you do good things even if it's small, you can alwas fall back on remembering to try and praise yourself if you can't think of anything. Its not easy I know this first hand but it is worth the struggle.

[cynicist]

What happened recently btw?

[Jot]

What happened recently btw?

I am much better now, thank you for asking. I think that this "episode" is the last piece of evidence I needed to identify a meaningful pattern. It seems that every once in a while I have this kinds of intense mental disturbances that always last the exact same period time, the obsessions are the same, I have exactly the same mental dialogue and this state follows the EXACT same bell curve of intensity. It's like a roll-coaster with a single great peak. They always last 4 days and the peak is on the 2nd day at night and it lasts 6-9 hours of feeling as described in the opening of this thread (I started this thread within that 6-9 hours of hell) : "I’m obsessed with the thought of being stupid. I have so much fog in my brain…it is quite a recent thing though…I usually have to battle with demonizing obsession but this one I feel is out of the ordinary league. Every thought that enters my mind at the moment of writing this is without finality…it begins then just vanishes, I can’t stay focused on anything more than a couple of seconds. I feel abandoned by my every mental ability, I am empty-headed and incoherent…numb. I feel no drive for anything at all. My internal dialogue is non-exsistent, a predatory depression took control over my body and my mind. I feel helplessness and there is nothing  I can think of that would take me out of this dark emotional state. "

 

More interestingly this is how I described a similar episode on 22 May 2014 :"My body is tense, my mind goes in circles, I am hyperactive (feel the need to walk all the time, I make sudden weird body movements at fast speed) also I cannot focus at all, even writing this post took me more than 30 minutes. Strange thoughts spring in my head out of the blue, and the most unsettling part for me is that I cannot think clearly, I'm generally very good at mental math and having arguments in my head, and analyzing social situations, now it's like I just drink 5 cup of coffees in a row, my mind is fogging a lot. 

     Something in the back of my mind is bothering me and I simply don't know what it is, and I don't see any connection between all that I said, I feel helpless and I can't stand listening to music anymore, I'm scared."

 

Strikingly similar, huh?

 

And these are only 2 "episodes" I have about 5-6 of these every year.

[cynicist]

I'm glad you are feeling better.

 

The blanking out/mental fog is avoidance, and the hyperactivity is another method of the same purpose. What precipitates them?

[Jot]

I'm glad you are feeling better.

 

The blanking out/mental fog is avoidance, and the hyperactivity is another method of the same purpose. What precipitates them?

That I don't know...and that is because every single one of these instances is triggered by things that don't seem to have any correlation between them, for example the one on 22 May 2014 was ignited while listening to a call-in-show (the caller was a gay autistic man if you remember that call ) another one was triggered by the thought of having to go on holiday this summer and the most recent one flicked after going on a trip with 2 guys I hate.

[EmperorNero]

I’m obsessed with the thought of being stupid. I have so much fog in my brain…it is quite a recent thing though…I usually have to battle with demonizing obsession but this one I feel is out of the ordinary league. Every thought that enters my mind at the moment of writing this is without finality…it begins then just vanishes, I can’t stay focused on anything more than a couple of seconds. I feel abandoned by my every mental ability, I am empty-headed and incoherent…numb. I feel no drive for anything at all. My internal dialogue is non-exsistent, a predatory depression took control over my body and my mind. I feel helplessness and there is nothing  I can think of that would take me out of this dark emotional state.

Sounds like you have a lot of meditation ahead of you.