How to deal with violent adults who you can't avoid

[andrew21594]

If your circumstances require you to have regular contact (eg. a few times a week) with someone who threatens you with physical violence and who actually uses physical violence against you, how should you deal with them?

 

My situation:

- I am a student living in a house with 23 other people.

- I can't afford to move house and I don't want to leave my friends in the house.

- One person in my house threatens me with physical violence (and actually uses physical violence) if I do something that annoys them. I don't intentionally annoy them and none of the things I do puts anyone in danger (eg. setting things on fire) or gives anyone any difficulty (eg. blasting music at 2am).

- The violence that is threatened would cause serious bodily harm, but the violence that is actually used does not.

- This person shows no remorse and, during and after the use or threat of violence, shows no playfulness(i.e. it's not just a joke - not that that would make it okay).

- This person is female and I am male. She is about 30cm shorter than I am and she must weigh about 20kg less than I do. So not many people are genuinely sympathetic towards me as the victim.

- Police involvement is out of the question.

 

So how should you mentally deal with someone like this, and how should you deal with them when you're in contact with them?

[Wuzzums]

When dealing with a bully the way I'd solve the problem is by making it perfectly clear that I'll retaliate in the same manner if they persist. It worked for me when I was in school but, gosh, after reading "female" I'm now stumped.

 

You said you have friends in the house, aren't they aware of the person's behavior? Maybe you're not the only one that's being assaulted. If other people are having similar experiences can't she just be asked to leave? If there's a landlord then it's in their best interest to kick such a person out of the household.

[PGP]

Really sorry to hear this man. If it was a man, it would be straight forward, but....

Firstly, what do the others say when this happens? Is it accepted or is she ostracised?

What other form does she have, any other issues with other people that you can maybe corroborate with? ie a pattern of behaviour?

If dealing through the proper channels doesn't work and you make it clear you can't move due to finances etc, then remedial action is necessary.

If she is like "thumping" you or kicking you, what you could do is have one of the others have their phone at the ready to record at all times, or have your own, even if its just audio. When she goes to hit you, you have the right to defend yourself, so catching her by the wrist is just self-defence. From there, restraint would also IMO (but of course, check with your local law enforcement etc.) be appropriate. If it is on camera, you have the right then to perform something like a citizens arrest if you think it necessary and call the cops, again if needed. Just saw that cops are out. In this case, if you have documented evidence, a legal letter threatening action may be appropriate.

Life is too short man, come down hard and fast but be smart about it. Enduring this IS doing damage to you, perhaps even in ways subconsciously that will be extremely detrimental to you in the future. 

Again, sorry and I hope it is resolved soon.

[MMX2010]

I feel bad that I can't provide any specific examples, but I know that your female bully is full of self-loathing and ultimately fears being humiliated / rejected by the crowd (her housemates). 

 

So the solution is to stand up for yourself in a cocky / funny way that embarrasses her, and turns the crowd against her.  Make her look like a pathetic, whiny four year old by portraying yourself as the strong, unfazed, smirky older brother. 

[Spenc]

How do you feel when you are threatened and assaulted?  How is it impacting your overall well-being mentally and emotionally?  Is she using these tactics to try to control anyone else's behaviour in the house or is it just you?  How would you feel if other people learned about the problems you are having with a smaller female?

[shirgall]

I'm sorry if this seems over the top, but here goes.

 

Making credible threats and taking steps to act on them is a crime. A violent crime. People succomb to strong-arm robberies because of fear of confrontation. Instead they give ground to placate the attacker.

 

It's perfectly all right to not want a confrontation, but you have to find some way to limit this person's influence and proximity. This is an emotional vampire and you have fresh blood.

 

One way that might might things better is to completely avoid being alone when confronted by this person. Bullies often shy away from their behavior when there are witnesses. When someone acts like a douche in front of a crowd, people are often braver about calling them out on it as well. You might find support.

 

Frankly, given the legal environment around college campuses and college age groups, never never never be alone with this person. This is the kind of person that "starts something" and then claims to be the victim. In man versus woman conflicts, the women is often perceived as the victim due to cultural conditioning and physical differences in size. This is never a good thing for the man, even with a reasonable jury.

 

I am not a lawyer, and it's been decades since I played one on TV. This does not constitute legal advice. This is merely defensive advice.

[Bipedal Primate]

I am sad and angry you are being abused, no one should ever get away with abuse, ever.

 

My advice is do not comply. Frighten her with exposure.

 

I would videotape or record the abuse with my phone, or at least pull out your phone and pretend you are recording her.

 

I have done this and it was 100% effective, the abuser disengaged immediately after realizing they were being recorded.

 

I've also said things like, "smile for the nanny cam," which caused the person to become paranoid and they chose to disengage.

 

I encourage you to find a way to stop the abuse, for yourself, and also to teach her that she can not *get away* with abusing people. Abusers rarely have one victim, therefore if at all possible the goal is to stop your own abuse, and to do whatever you can to stop future abuse of others.

 

Abusers destroy lives and cause people to commit suicide.

 

I absolutely agree with the above post: **Do Not** ever allow yourself to be alone with her, ever! She could end up accusing you of something terrible and you could end up in jail. This is a very serious matter. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

[dayna j.]

How do the other people in the house react to this situation?  It seems to me that your problem is not just the girl who acts violently towards you, but also the fact that 20+ other people in your house do not have a problem with that behaviour.  In other words, although one person is actively using violence against you, 20+ other people in the house are accepting and approving of the use of violence against you.  If these people all took a unified position against the aggressor, then it would be impossible for the activity to continue, because the girl would be evicted.

[Blackfish64]

Why is police involvement out of the question?

 

You must document everything.  Everything she says, everything she does.  Document everything.  Time, place, what she was wearing, who else was present, if she used a weapon or open hand or closed fist.  Everything.  Yes, everything.  If it isn't written down-it didn't happen.  The log is your record of everything should you need to deal with the police or the courts.  I would immediately get a new notebook and set it aside just for the purpose of recording everything she does.  Also use your smartphone to get video and pictures if you can.      

 

You have a right to citizen's arrest, camera or no camera.  Witnesses will be essential, if their cooperation can be gotten. But when the police arrive to make the arrest, you will need be prepared to take it all the way.  Once they initiate the arrest, there is no backing out of it.  And if you do, you will be the one getting arrested.  Check the laws in your state.  Check your local laws.

 

Calling the bully out is good whenever possible.  The last thing bullies want is an audience, to be exposed for what they really are.     

 

How do you deal with them?  You don't deal with them.  You need to get away from them and stay away from them.  If she shows up and wants your bar stool, be the coward, get up, give it to her, and get away.  Write it down.  

 

She needs to be stopped.  You need to find a way to do this, or you might end up really hurt, or worse.   

[IndianaLee]

I totally agree.. I'm new here.. by the way if that makes any difference. :-) 

I'd for sure video tape the violence on her part and do what you have to do to defend yourself, but make sure you are yelling quit and stop assaulting me, etc,. and get proof with others around, because I don't believe that the police will take your side by default.. 

I am sad and angry you are being abused, no one should ever get away with abuse, ever.

My advice is do not comply. Frighten her with exposure.

I would videotape or record the abuse with my phone, or at least pull out your phone and pretend you are recording her.

I have done this and it was 100% effective, the abuser disengaged immediately after realizing they were being recorded.

I've also said things like, "smile for the nanny cam," which caused the person to become paranoid and they chose to disengage.

I encourage you to find a way to stop the abuse, for yourself, and also to teach her that she can not *get away* with abusing people. Abusers rarely have one victim, therefore if at all possible the goal is to stop your own abuse, and to do whatever you can to stop future abuse of others.

Abusers destroy lives and cause people to commit suicide.

I absolutely agree with the above post: **Do Not** ever allow yourself to be alone with her, ever! She could end up accusing you of something terrible and you could end up in jail. This is a very serious matter. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

[IndianaLee]

Why is police involvement out of the question?

 

You must document everything.  Everything she says, everything she does.  Document everything.  Time, place, what she was wearing, who else was present, if she used a weapon or open hand or closed fist.  Everything.  Yes, everything.  If it isn't written down-it didn't happen.  The log is your record of everything should you need to deal with the police or the courts.  I would immediately get a new notebook and set it aside just for the purpose of recording everything she does.  Also use your smartphone to get video and pictures if you can.      

 

I agree, and I'm wondering why Police is out of the question? Are you doing something that is against the law as well? I'm not saying you are, but I'm just totally baffled why police are out of the question. I know it's not fun to call the police, but it's the only source of protection in society that has forced this on you in your position I think. :-) 

I'm also in total agreement that you must document everything I'm afraid, and I know it's hard to do, but it's necessary with government and it's terrible process of your time and effort. It's a must do! :-) I wish you well and it's terrible that anyone has to go thru this and I believe men get assaulted a lot more than is reported.. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

You have a right to citizen's arrest, camera or no camera.  Witnesses will be essential, if their cooperation can be gotten. But when the police arrive to make the arrest, you will need be prepared to take it all the way.  Once they initiate the arrest, there is no backing out of it.  And if you do, you will be the one getting arrested.  Check the laws in your state.  Check your local laws.

 

Calling the bully out is good whenever possible.  The last thing bullies want is an audience, to be exposed for what they really are.     

 

How do you deal with them?  You don't deal with them.  You need to get away from them and stay away from them.  If she shows up and wants your bar stool, be the coward, get up, give it to her, and get away.  Write it down.  

 

She needs to be stopped.  You need to find a way to do this, or you might end up really hurt, or worse.   

[andrew21594]

Thanks for your responses.

 

Replies to a few of you:

 

How do you feel when you are threatened and assaulted?  How is it impacting your overall well-being mentally and emotionally?  Is she using these tactics to try to control anyone else's behaviour in the house or is it just you?  How would you feel if other people learned about the problems you are having with a smaller female?

^I just get distressed when it happens. I don't get upset, but I definitely have an uncomfortable physiological response. If I'm at all happy on a day when it happens, my happiness gets killed for the next couple of hours or maybe for the rest of the day. If other people learned, I wouldn't care. If anything, I'd expect them to feel sorry for me because, as a bigger guy, I couldn't defend myself to the morally maximum extent without it blowing up into something big. 

 

How do the other people in the house react to this situation?  It seems to me that your problem is not just the girl who acts violently towards you, but also the fact that 20+ other people in your house do not have a problem with that behaviour.  In other words, although one person is actively using violence against you, 20+ other people in the house are accepting and approving of the use of violence against you.  If these people all took a unified position against the aggressor, then it would be impossible for the activity to continue, because the girl would be evicted.

^ They don't get involved. They're taken aback by it but they stay out of it because I do my best to keep my composure in front of her and the others interpret that as me not suffering much.

 

Why is police involvement out of the question?

 

You must document everything.  Everything she says, everything she does.  Document everything.  Time, place, what she was wearing, who else was present, if she used a weapon or open hand or closed fist.  Everything.  Yes, everything.  If it isn't written down-it didn't happen.  The log is your record of everything should you need to deal with the police or the courts.  I would immediately get a new notebook and set it aside just for the purpose of recording everything she does.  Also use your smartphone to get video and pictures if you 

^ Partly because I feel pathetic being the victim to a smaller, physically weaker person and being rescued by the police would make me feel even more pathetic. Partly because I think she would tell them that she was the victim and she was doing it all in self-defence. However, if I do what you recommend then I reckon she wouldn't get away with that. Thank you. Also partly because this becoming a police matter might cause me even more stress and hurt my performance at university. And partly because I'm unsure about the moral justification for using the state.

 

My plan now is to record what she does to me. I will try to build a case against her and use it to discourage her. If that doesn't work, then I'll give in and contact the police.

 

In the mean time, I will try to embarrass her in a legal way while making sure that people know what she is doing to me. I will also say "Smile for the nanny cam" if I'm ever alone with her and I get a hint of hostility from her. I will not avoid being alone with her because I want to be able to go about my business in the house without having to change it to fit around her. 

 

Again, thanks to all of you.

[Spenc]

 

^I just get distressed when it happens. I don't get upset, but I definitely have an uncomfortable physiological response. If I'm at all happy on a day when it happens, my happiness gets killed for the next couple of hours or maybe for the rest of the day. If other people learned, I wouldn't care. If anything, I'd expect them to feel sorry for me because, as a bigger guy, I couldn't defend myself to the morally maximum extent without it blowing up into something big.

So you replied to someone else that other people have witnessed this behaviour?  But because you don't react strongly to it, they similarly distance themselves form it and do not react?

 

Do you ever tell the female that her behaviour is unacceptable?  Or that you won't tolerate it?  Have you ever gone further and used RTR to actually express your true reaction?  Even being diplomatic, such as, "This behaviour needs to stop right away.  I've been in a good mood all day and now you're ruining it."  It sounds like by remaining composed, you're silencing yourself and your needs.  Containing yourself should mean that you don't strike her back, do not threaten her back, and do not resort to yelling and insulting.  It doesn't mean that you have to avoid any reaction at all and any expression of yourself.  And if you do that, you take away everyone else's free pass to be bystanders to this behaviour as well.  If you want to avoid police involvement and you want to resolve this and remain living there, you need to make other people take your side and put pressure on the woman to stop with her crap.  At least that's the way I would see it.  I don't know the social dynamics within the house, so maybe the girl has no interest in the approval of the other people?

[PGP]

Andrew, I mean this with sympathy and indeed empathy aswell. I think from what you have said that you may be sacrificing a part of yourself to maintain the atmosphere for others. I am very curious as to your relationship with your mother and father.

From the seriousness of the initial OP, when you replied, I didn't get the seriousness in concern for yourself. It is not your role in life to suffer abuse and indeed possible physical damage for anyone. I know this is a difficult situation and all is easier in words on a page, but I just want to appeal to you to be inconvenient here. For example, what would you do or advice would you give if another member of the house was undergoing similar abuse? Another man? A woman?

What if it was your child undergoing this abuse?

What would you say?

[Blackfish64]

Thanks for your responses.

 

Replies to a few of you:

 

^I just get distressed when it happens. I don't get upset, but I definitely have an uncomfortable physiological response. If I'm at all happy on a day when it happens, my happiness gets killed for the next couple of hours or maybe for the rest of the day. If other people learned, I wouldn't care. If anything, I'd expect them to feel sorry for me because, as a bigger guy, I couldn't defend myself to the morally maximum extent without it blowing up into something big. 

 

^ They don't get involved. They're taken aback by it but they stay out of it because I do my best to keep my composure in front of her and the others interpret that as me not suffering much.

 

^ Partly because I feel pathetic being the victim to a smaller, physically weaker person and being rescued by the police would make me feel even more pathetic. Partly because I think she would tell them that she was the victim and she was doing it all in self-defence. However, if I do what you recommend then I reckon she wouldn't get away with that. Thank you. Also partly because this becoming a police matter might cause me even more stress and hurt my performance at university. And partly because I'm unsure about the moral justification for using the state.

 

My plan now is to record what she does to me. I will try to build a case against her and use it to discourage her. If that doesn't work, then I'll give in and contact the police.

 

In the mean time, I will try to embarrass her in a legal way while making sure that people know what she is doing to me. I will also say "Smile for the nanny cam" if I'm ever alone with her and I get a hint of hostility from her. I will not avoid being alone with her because I want to be able to go about my business in the house without having to change it to fit around her. 

 

Again, thanks to all of you.

 

You feel pathetic about being a victim?  Then the only choice here is to choose not to be a victim.  Don't be a victim.  Don't feel sorry for yourself.  Don't look for empathy.  End it.  Don't be a victim.  She has no right, privilege, or cause to be doing what she is doing. 

 

Moral justification for using the State?  Isn't the proper function of government to protect innocents from from invaders and criminals?  Sbe is obviously a criminal.  She has broken the law.  She has committed battery on you.  Just because she hasn't physically hurt you-yet-does not mean that she can't or that she won't.  This needs to stop, my friend, get it?  Someone even so much as tries to put their hand to me like she is doing to you and you can bet your ass she's going down!  One way or another!  I'm not putting up with her stuff for one single minute.    The End

 

Put everything you can remember to time and to date and to notepad.  Take it to the local station and the campus police and file a report on her.  Tell them you aren't too concerned just yet, but in case this turns into something you would like to have it noted.  Corroborate, communicate, collaborate with others who are witnesses and others she is bullying. Shut this bitch down.

 

Take the attitude that, whatever happens, you are not someone who is going to be messed with and pushed around. Send people like this fool that message.  Whether she understands it or not is not your concern.  That she keeps her bloody hands to herself is your concern.  After that, there's nothing to be concerned about, is there? 

 

She wants to serve up her little fisfties and have you enjoy them, too, but she does not want to take any herself. Well, sorry, little girl, but the world dont't work that way. 

[IndianaLee]

Because she's a woman, you have to make sure you have proof in the form of as everyone has stated her or most have in writing and camera, etc,. Do what you have to do, but you have the right to defend yourself against man or animal in any form. 
I wish you well and I hope you're ok. 

Tim