Sorry

[AustinJames]

Last night I said some rather contemptible things in the chat room.  My statements were untrue, and indefensible.  I have been struggling to understand what compelled me to have certain expectations, and understand my reaction when those expectations were not met.  To any of you whom were affected by my comments, I deeply and sincerely apologize.  I will do everything in my power to make sure that it never happens again.

[MMX2010]

Last night I said some rather contemptible things in the chat room.  My statements were untrue, and indefensible.  I have been struggling to understand what compelled me to have certain expectations, and understand my reaction when those expectations were not met.  To any of you whom were affected by my comments, I deeply and sincerely apologize.  I will do everything in my power to make sure that it never happens again.

 

I wasn't involved, but I noticed your phrasing, "I have been struggling to understand what compelled me to have certain expectations, and understand my reaction when those expectations were not met." 

 

Could you outline what expectations you had, and which responses caused you frustration? 

[cynicist]

I'm not sure I would use the word contemptible but I was very surprised when you said you were going to stop donating and the reason you gave for it. It seemed like there was a lot going on for you emotionally then, though if you would rather not share I understand. I did get the sense that what you were saying had to do with more than just that particular show though. Did someone mention something to you about it, or are your regrets a result of self-reflection?

[J. D. Stembal]

As I experienced it, you were expressing a honest disappointment in the quality of the show and enthusiasm of the hosts. I may have bailed from the chat before the discussion was over and missed later comments, but I don't think you need to apologize for expressing a heartfelt feeling. Perhaps you aren't the only person feeling this way?

 

Remember, if enough people start diminishing donations, it will send a strong market signal to the host of FDR to formulate a new strategy.

 

If your disappointment stems from another source, and you realized it after some reflection, thank you for the apology.

[Kevin Beal]

I have no idea what happened, but I doubt there aren't plenty of other people who could benefit from whatever it is that you are going to discover about yourself. I can imagine that there are a lot more people than you and I who've regretted something like that, and I don't know, but it could be that the restitution here is your shared insight.

 

I'd be happy to talk about it with you if you wanted, not that I'm any kind of expert on that sort of thing, just that I feel sorry that it happened and my curiosity is piqued.

[MysterionMuffles]

I wasn't too affected by it. I just thought if he was willing to stop his subscription just because of one unsatisfactory show, that was his own decision to make. It was a bit of an insult to upholding the chatroom, the board, the podcast feed, feeding the dudes who help Stefan in the backgroud, as well as any possible connections you've made with FDR members outside of the site (like on Skype or Facebook).

 

What made you feel this way, Austin? What was going on for you that night? And why was it expressed in this way?

[K.o.t.H.]

To me it seemed like you were frustrated with something larger than just the show, and I was curious and hoping you would elaborate. Might as well say what you feel. I'm certainly willing to listen.

[AustinJames]

Could you outline what expectations you had, and which responses caused you frustration? 

There were no responses that specifically cause me frustration; it was more of a lack of responses that I anticipated.  I had expectations about the direction each conversation would take, and when they went a different direction, I was frustrated.  I realized how backwards it was for me to hold the value of the conversation against my expectations.

 

It seemed like there was a lot going on for you emotionally then, though if you would rather not share I understand. I did get the sense that what you were saying had to do with more than just that particular show though. Did someone mention something to you about it, or are your regrets a result of self-reflection?

 I'm embarrassed to admit, I think I was projecting a lot of insecurity.  I wish I had more insight, but the realization is still pretty abstract to me.  I have been feeling insecure in my personal and professional life lately.  I don't know what in the conversation triggered it in me, but it was poignant.  Nobody mentioned anything to me, I just woke up in the middle of the night, and found myself thinking about what I had said.

 

As I experienced it, you were expressing a honest disappointment in the quality of the show and enthusiasm of the hosts. I may have bailed from the chat before the discussion was over and missed later comments, but I don't think you need to apologize for expressing a heartfelt feeling. 

I was expressing a feeling, but I somehow abandoned my curiosity and empathy in the process.  It was a total RTR fail.  A more appropriate way of addressing the issue would have been to say, "It seems to me that Stef isn't exerting his usual excess of proactive energy in the conversation.  Perhaps he hasn't had his coffee... Am I alone in this observation?"  If others shared that observation, I would have had the opportunity to discuss it.  If nobody else had that opinion, it would have given me the opportunity for debate, and further introspection.  Instead, I just made some sour-mouthed complaints and talked about possibly canceling my subscription.  Even if I was right, and Stef was being lazy, I will still continue to donate in appreciation of the work he has done, and to support the furtherance of his goals.  One lazy call-in show (though to be clear, that doesn't describe the show in question-- just a hypothetical) isn't enough to swing the balance of his massively beneficial contributions to the world.

 

 

I appreciate all your curiosity!  Your questions are helping me get to the bottom of this.

[cynicist]

One lazy call-in show (though to be clear, that doesn't describe the show in question-- just a hypothetical) isn't enough to swing the balance of his massively beneficial contributions to the world.

 

I think this is very insightful. I've noticed that my own projections are recognizable by the fact that they are disproportionate in some way to the reality of the situation. So as an example, if I am criticized by a manager at work (authority figure, has some power) and I feel helplessly frustrated and resentful even though the remark was minor, I know that while the remark may have been unkind to me it must be piggy-backing on my history in order to have that level of impact on my emotional state.

 

There were no responses that specifically cause me frustration; it was more of a lack of responses that I anticipated.  I had expectations about the direction each conversation would take, and when they went a different direction, I was frustrated.  I realized how backwards it was for me to hold the value of the conversation against my expectations.

 

Why were you frustrated? If I can hazard a guess, would it be because you thought that Stefan had not delivered enough wisdom for those people to enact meaningful change in their lives?

 

I'm embarrassed to admit, I think I was projecting a lot of insecurity.  I wish I had more insight, but the realization is still pretty abstract to me.  I have been feeling insecure in my personal and professional life lately.  I don't know what in the conversation triggered it in me, but it was poignant.  Nobody mentioned anything to me, I just woke up in the middle of the night, and found myself thinking about what I had said.

 

I think it's great that you noticed it on your own. I was not sure what to make of your comments in the chat, but I wish I had said something about it. Do you feel that you are not doing enough in your own life? Or that maybe your actions are not as impactful as you'd like? 

[MMX2010]

I'm embarrassed to admit, I think I was projecting a lot of insecurity.  I wish I had more insight, but the realization is still pretty abstract to me.  I have been feeling insecure in my personal and professional life lately.  I don't know what in the conversation triggered it in me, but it was poignant.  Nobody mentioned anything to me, I just woke up in the middle of the night, and found myself thinking about what I had said.

 

 

I wasn't paying 100% attention to your comments, and I disconnected from the chat window about ten minutes into the call-in with "not an argument" guy.  But my impression was that you thought his question was beneath Stef's time and intelligence, and that you were mad with the caller for making it.  You were annoyed because he was too much of a "noob" and Stefan wasn't "brave enough" to talk to someone else. 

 

(Again, just my impression.  Does that help?)

[AustinJames]

Why were you frustrated? If I can hazard a guess, would it be because you thought that Stefan had not delivered enough wisdom for those people to enact meaningful change in their lives?

Yes, that's about it.  Stefan usually ties the root of their question to some adverse childhood experience.  In this conversation, he addressed the questions at face value.  At the time, I felt he was withholding a more productive analysis by focusing on the question itself, and not the presuppositions implied by it.

 

 

 

 

I think it's great that you noticed it on your own. I was not sure what to make of your comments in the chat, but I wish I had said something about it. Do you feel that you are not doing enough in your own life? Or that maybe your actions are not as impactful as you'd like? 

 

Professionally, I feel as though I am not being compensated fairly for my skills, time, and efforts, but the nature of my occupation (public education) has a rigid pay scale.  This has led to a gradual (and predictable) waning of my motivation.  This affects my ability to impact students' lives in a positive way.

 

I feel insecure because I've been scrutinizing my market value for the sake of seeking other career opportunities, and I doubt my ability to yield a higher salary while maintaining a position in which I feel my influence is highly valued.

[Kevin Beal]

Do you ever see something happening with one of your students involving parental abuse / neglect and find that you don't feel like you can say anything, and resent everything about that situation, even feeling guilty for not saying something?

[AustinJames]

Do you ever see something happening with one of your students involving parental abuse / neglect and find that you don't feel like you can say anything, and resent everything about that situation, even feeling guilty for not saying something?

 

Yes.  I appreciate you bringing this to the surface.  I had not yet identified this as a source of guilt, but you may well be onto something.  I feel resentful on a daily basis in the face of suspected or apparent abuse.  I report what I can, but what I report often goes without consequence.  Beyond that, there is much that I consider abuse that the administrators don't seem to notice; or at the very most they view with disdain, but with no legal recourse.

 

In the most extreme circumstance, a student of mine in 2nd grade exhibited self-destructive masochistic behavior.  Her parents are both known drug addicts.  The girl and her siblings live with their grandmother (who is verbally abusive).  In one instance, their father showed up for an event, and the children refused to go home with him because they were afraid.  An administrator (whom I have since gained great respect for) locked the children in her office and told the father he had to leave.  The father threatened that administrator, along with several others, and the police were summoned.  Even though there were threats of violence, and several witnesses, the people involved did not press charges, and the police opted to do nothing but monitor the situation, which was eventually resolved by the children going home with their grandmother, accompanied close behind by their despicable excuse for a father.  Empathizing with the children hearing their father explode at their teachers, hearing their teachers defend them, hearing the police come, and witnessing the ultimate outcome, was devastating to me. That moment, along with others, has haunted me.

 

I don't know that I feel guilty, exactly, but there is a strong sense of helplessness.  Perhaps some degree of guilt is inevitable merely by being a part of the system.  All I know is that it is devastating to witness.