Tony Posted November 8, 2014 Posted November 8, 2014 Something that resonates with my behaviour in the past: http://youtu.be/6BcFLwdhC3E?list=UUPQxkq2d4oS9D6iZaY1cLEQ 1
McBeer Posted November 8, 2014 Posted November 8, 2014 I think the video does a good job of adding another layer of depth and perspective to sharing truth and reason with others. Most of my experiences have been more on the receiving end of the badgering though. In the past if I would see somebody engaging in behavior that is clearly irrational or immoral, I would typically just ask a simple question like "Do you think that is a good idea?" Saying this would often result in an escalating series of responses like "You shouldn't judge other people", and "Who do you think you are judging me", then "Do you think you are better than me?", followed by "You think you are so much better than everyone else". This would typically end with the other person insulting me and pointing out how unpopular I am. The things that I used to think were insults, I now see were actually pretty good compliments. Maybe this is another insight into why somebody might choose to take an aggressive approach when confronting someone. If you think your only options are either to "dish it out" or to "take it", then you are going to "dish it out" because you are not going to "take it" anymore. I have learned. People know when they are doing wrong. They know. I know. They know that I know. I know that they know I know. They just don't want me to point it out because they want to keep pretending that they don't know. I even got someone to admit it to me once. "Just let me have this" she told me. I have learned. Now I just shake my head and keep walking. 5
LovePrevails Posted November 8, 2014 Posted November 8, 2014 I find it hard not to engage on certain issues despite my best interests and theirs
Josh F Posted November 8, 2014 Posted November 8, 2014 I like this video, it is a very interesting way to articulate some of the problems with the shaming method. 1
Mark Serene Posted November 8, 2014 Posted November 8, 2014 Great video. Changed my perspective on my own frustrations in a conversation when the other person starts to distance themselves. 1
Bipedal Primate Posted November 9, 2014 Posted November 9, 2014 I am currently thinking, discussing, and reading about the subtleties of invalidation, and specifically the long term impact of invalidation on the giver and receiver. I agree, validation of others' feelings requires an incredible amount of both self knowledge and self control. I feel you did a superb job of explaining the dynamic at play from both ends, as you put it, person A and person B. For me, the second I feel my feelings have been invalidated, I disconnect, and am unable to trust the other person has my best interest at heart. Like you said, once trust has left the building, the conversation is not going to be productive and usually becomes destructive to both parties. Thank you for spreading awareness of invalidation. It is amazing how quickly I am willing to hear, listen, absorb, and process what others have to say when they validate my feelings in that moment. When I feel accepted for who I am in that moment, I relax, I put aside all my defenses, and those are the moments I learn and grow. Feelings are not negotiable. Ideas, Decisions, and Actions are negotiable. Your podcast reminded me of Stef's podcasts about giving/receiving criticism. Stef made an excellent point, the gist of it was, -- when you take away someone's free-will, they are less agreeable. Thanks Steven Summerstone for another great podcast! :-) 2
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