When Emotional Abuse is Concealed as Praise

[Three]

There are two kinds of people in the world. People who have adequate communication skills and thus, have the ability to ask for what they need in a respectful manner and there are those who well, don't. The latter type of person arises from childhoods wherein he at one point had to manipulate other emotionally unavailable family members or peers to get his needs met. The result of being neglected in this way is that this behavior not only becomes the default position for these wounded people, but because it becomes the default position from an early age, by the time the child is an adult, he gets incredibly good at it, much to the detriment of the rest of society.

Highly sophisticated manipulators have a very keen understanding of the how the fight or flight and personal boundaries operate. They need to if they are going to be effective predators. And like most predators, their understanding is instinctive, which in many ways makes them all the more dangerous since they don't have to spend long periods of a time evaluating a person. This assessment can occur in the blink of an eye.

What this means is that manipulators very quickly determine their target's Achilles heal and will take the opportunity to exploit such weakness whenever the time is right. Sometimes these weaknesses are even manufactured by the manipulators, as is the case when praise is used as manipulation.

When a person receives praise or compliments, the brain releases a pleasure signal, which causes the person to feel more at ease and thus the defenses drop. To borrow a quote from an article on the subject, “Being complimented has the same positive effect on the brain as being rewarded with cash”. I’ll post the links to these articles below.



If the manipulator is attempting  to have you agree to a favor that will actually serve the manipulator’s needs at your expense, this is when the elation caused by the praise comes in handy since people are more inclined to accept offers uncritically when they feel good. Think of how many times you’ve watched a scene in movie wherein the protagonist is attempting to get a high official to disclose secret information after serving him alcohol or something equivalent.

Some people will be more susceptible to this tactic than others. The less secure a person is as result of being emotionally neglected early in life, the better these compliments are going to feel to them and so the more at risk these people will be at being  taken advantage of.






In addition to being utilized as a tool for manipulation, praise has another use. It can also be a highly effective weapon for humiliation and passive aggression. The way in which this sword is handled is not too different from how ordinary, hurtful sarcasm is slung about since sarcasm is apparent praise which conceals another, scornful meaning. I want to stress the word hurtful so as not to confuse what I’m talking about with the sort of sarcasm that is playful, mutually beneficial comedy.



It is often the case that sarcasm is delivered in such a tone of voice that gives itself away. The more refined sadist will deliver the praise completely straight with convincing sincerity. This makes it much easier for the abuser to deny reasonable suspicion and thus, block retaliation.



Also, the praise itself is often highly exaggerated. When this ludicrous adulation is repeatedly given in front of others, it creates painful embarrassment. This pain not only gives the sadist his pleasure, but it gives him something to soothe and thus, a justification for his relationship. Much like how a government will break your legs, sell you a wheelchair and assures you that without government you wouldn’t be getting around so well.









http://www.forbes.com/sites/daviddisalvo/2012/11/09/study-receiving-a-compliment-has-same-positive-effect-as-receiving-cash/

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2231602/Flattery-Evidence-shows-compliments-make-people-perform-better.html

[dsayers]

There are two kinds of people in the world. People who have adequate communication skills and thus, have the ability to ask for what they need in a respectful manner and there are those who well, don't.

 

For precision's sake, I wanted to point out that this is addressing the symptom and not the problem. As I see it, the only meaningful way to divide people are those willing to initiate the use of force to meet their goals and those that are not. Those who are aggressed against having a reduced capability of win-win negotiation is an effect.

 

The way in which this sword is handled is not too different from how ordinary, hurtful sarcasm is slung about since sarcasm is apparent praise which conceals another, scornful meaning. I want to stress the word hurtful so as not to confuse what I’m talking about with the sort of sarcasm that is playful, mutually beneficial comedy.

 

 

How do you know that they're different? There was a discussion about it here if you're interested.

[cynicist]

As I see it, the only meaningful way to divide people are those willing to initiate the use of force to meet their goals and those that are not. Those who are aggressed against having a reduced capability of win-win negotiation is an effect.

 

Why is that the only meaningful way? Someone who insults me is not initiating force but I easily see the difference between him and my supportive friends, and to me it is a meaningful one.

 

How do you know that they're different? There was a discussion about it here if you're interested.

 

That thread makes me wonder what kind of existing relationships people have when they have difficulty distinguishing between the two.

[dsayers]

That thread makes me wonder what kind of existing relationships people have when they have difficulty distinguishing between the two.

 

People who choose not to eat meat don't have difficulty identifying meat as food. One could argue that claiming that they do is the inability to distinguish

[cynicist]

You can argue anything, but this thread isn't a battleground so maybe we can save that one for another time.

 

Some people will be more susceptible to this tactic than others. The less secure a person is as result of being emotionally neglected early in life, the better these compliments are going to feel to them and so the more at risk these people will be at being taken advantage of. 

 

This is a great point but it also struck me that there must be more than a strong desire for visibility for this to happen. A person must also be incapable of determining the authenticity of a compliment, otherwise they would not confuse manipulation for visibility in this way. (phony praise is recognizable by a kind of disparity between either the act and reality or the relationship between you and the other person in my opinion)

 

Also, the praise itself is often highly exaggerated. When this ludicrous adulation is repeatedly given in front of others, it creates painful embarrassment. This pain not only gives the sadist his pleasure, but it gives him something to soothe and thus, a justification for his relationship. Much like how a government will break your legs, sell you a wheelchair and assures you that without government you wouldn’t be getting around so well. 

 

The attack is incredibly calculated, and so I'd like to highlight another facet of it. If you try and point out what seems blatantly aggressive to you, the attacker feigns ignorance and uses the literal meaning of his words as a cloak. Only a true coward relies on a device so predictably banal as this to deliver his blows. 

[Three]

 

You can argue anything, but this thread isn't a battleground so maybe we can save that one for another time.

 

 

This is a great point but it also struck me that there must be more than a strong desire for visibility for this to happen. A person must also be incapable of determining the authenticity of a compliment, otherwise they would not confuse manipulation for visibility in this way. (phony praise is recognizable by a kind of disparity between either the act and reality or the relationship between you and the other person in my opinion)

 

 

The attack is incredibly calculated, and so I'd like to highlight another facet of it. If you try and point out what seems blatantly aggressive to you, the attacker feigns ignorance and uses the literal meaning of his words as a cloak. Only a true coward relies on a device so predictably banal as this to deliver his blows. 

 

 

Well said, Rob. It is very cowardly. 

 

To add to the top part of your post, one of the things I learned from Spartan Life Coach is that naivete is a common defense that arises in those who are in a toxic environment as children and who are unable to critically examine it.

 

 

[Bipedal Primate]

I have an ambivalence / contradictory feeling when it comes to adult-on-adult emotional raping.

 

One part of me (the rescuer) keeps repeating,"don't blame the victim."

 

And another part of me (the persecutor) keeps saying, "but there is no such thing as an emotional rape without compliance."

 

And then another part (the victim) says, "there are highly intelligent Sociopaths out there who are master manipulators, therefor i do believe emotional rape can take place without compliance."

 

ugh. I'm still negotiating with these three parts of myself :-/

[cynicist]

And another part of me (the persecutor) keeps saying, "but there is no such thing as an emotional rape without compliance."

 

This is interesting. What do you mean by it? I mean I want to say that I know where this comes from, because it reminds me of the guilt that many (including myself) feel about what happened in our families, that we are in some way responsible, but this is self-attack from internalized parents and is not true. (It also brings to mind the victims of physical rape who feel like it's their fault somehow, who are often victims in childhood too) This defense is what we set up because the truth of the nature of our family environment is too horrific to bear, and so the neurotic split in our minds is necessary to continue functioning. (e.g. It's my fault for being a bad kid) Let me know if I'm off, but if not I have a part like this too.

 

And then another part (the victim) says, "there are highly intelligent Sociopaths out there who are master manipulators, therefor i do believe emotional rape can take place without compliance."

 

I agree but I don't like the implication that these intelligent sociopaths are simply masters at the craft and that's why you are affected. I mean yeah they are good at recognizing old wounds, but you are only affected to that degree because those wounds exist; If they didn't, then their attempts to hurt you would only result in bewilderment and a desire to leave the situation. It's really sad, because I used to think as many people/parents do, that understanding this 'language' of overloaded meaning and hidden signals meant that I was better prepared for a messed up world. Now I realize that what I thought of as a tool would be completely unnecessary if I wasn't made susceptible to this crap to begin with...

 

Not to criticize, but if that part of yourself is saying that they are master manipulators in order to avoid blame (e.g. I can't help but be susceptible), then she is correct but for the wrong reasons. I'm guessing that the reason the victim focuses on external persons is that she feels that being hurt in the past isn't a good enough reason, indicating to me that she isn't getting enough sympathy. (and likely is afraid of the persecutor part being hyper-critical and saying 'suck it up' or whatever)

 

Sidenote: I've tried experimenting with taking what people say very literally instead of 'knowing' their implicit meaning, and responding in a very naive and curious way. I would recommend giving this technique a shot; It will completely change how you view things. You will want to laugh sometimes at how frustrated this makes other people who are trying to hurt you; It seems like they immediately try every other tool in the toolbox to get SOMETHING to work against you. (Usually it gets to me being called stupid/retarded and then they stop)

 

Apologies if I'm reading too much into your post, but it really struck me for some reason.

[dsayers]

Sidenote: I've tried experimenting with taking what people say very literally instead of 'knowing' their implicit meaning, and responding in a very naive and curious way. I would recommend giving this technique a shot; It will completely change how you view things. You will want to laugh sometimes at how frustrated this makes other people who are trying to hurt you; It seems like they immediately try every other tool in the toolbox to get SOMETHING to work against you. (Usually it gets to me being called stupid/retarded and then they stop)

 

I've seen this many times over. It's really sad to behold. I lament those who lack self-knowledge and those who are oblivious of that lacking.

[Starsky]

Sidenote: I've tried experimenting with taking what people say very literally instead of 'knowing' their implicit meaning, and responding in a very naive and curious way. I would recommend giving this technique a shot; It will completely change how you view things. You will want to laugh sometimes at how frustrated this makes other people who are trying to hurt you; It seems like they immediately try every other tool in the toolbox to get SOMETHING to work against you. (Usually it gets to me being called stupid/retarded and then they stop)

 

Ha Ha! I've done that and the outcome was interesting. I too was called retarded and accused of 'knowing what they meant'. Of course I did but I refused to self-attack and took the wind out of their sails.

[PGP]

The points made about naivete hit on something I have been thinking about this last while. I look back and I think I could examine my parents/family/culture in a critical manner because I could compare it to other families/parents/cultures but in order to maintain my sanity I had to approach the situation with naivete. Keep my head down and work towards an "out". To recognise all that was wrong and to act on it would have been dangerous. If I "pretended", then there was an avoidance of recognition in reality. Aswell as this, there was still the hope that I was wrong and that they were good people and eventually they would change. Nonetheless, what is perceived is understood and words still damage. That is where the naivete leads to numbness. It is a form of defence I think and I think it leads to perhaps some form of absurdism or nihilism. There is no up or down or black or white. And what is the point any way?

There is alot in this of course, but I would like to know if anyone has a view on what role intelligence plays in this. It has occurred to me recently that most people I have known make what is a hell for me their home. This may be another form of naivete on my part. Perhaps they just don't see what I see? It is a more comfortable idea than that they see and choose not to change.

[Three]

I have an ambivalence / contradictory feeling when it comes to adult-on-adult emotional raping.

 

One part of me (the rescuer) keeps repeating,"don't blame the victim."

 

And another part of me (the persecutor) keeps saying, "but there is no such thing as an emotional rape without compliance."

 

And then another part (the victim) says, "there are highly intelligent Sociopaths out there who are master manipulators, therefor i do believe emotional rape can take place without compliance."

 

ugh. I'm still negotiating with these three parts of myself :-/

 

Blame is often a trigger word, most likely because it is used by bad people to off load 100% of the responsibility to another person in order to avoid 100% responsibility. 

 

I would ask, "what role do did the victim play in the outcome of the situation?"

 

True victims are often children as they play no role, nor do they share any of the responsibility for the abuse they suffer.

 

The less responsibility one has over the outcome of a situation, the more the usage of the word victim is warranted, in my opinion. So,that is not to say that adults cannot be true victims. 

 

It is for this reason, that I have been minimizing the use of the word "victim" and have been opting the use the word "target" for adults. Responsibility entails choice and where there's choice, there's power, which is certainly something we want to give to target.

 

 

 

PGP, The idea of naivete turning in nihilism is interesting and something I'd definitely have to get more thought. 

 

 

As always, thanks for reading and responding!

[Bipedal Primate]

 

Sidenote: I've tried experimenting with taking what people say very literally instead of 'knowing' their implicit meaning, and responding in a very naive and curious way. I would recommend giving this technique a shot; It will completely change how you view things. You will want to laugh sometimes at how frustrated this makes other people who are trying to hurt you; It seems like they immediately try every other tool in the toolbox to get SOMETHING to work against you. (Usually it gets to me being called stupid/retarded and then they stop)

 

Apologies if I'm reading too much into your post, but it really struck me for some reason.

 

Robert, Thank you so much for your insightful and thoughtful reply :-) It was spot on and exactly the kind of depth I was searching for. You were not reading too much into it at all. You definitely 'sensed' where I was going with my thought process and took it to the next level for me.

 

As an ENFP, I have a lot of big ideas going off at once in my head and it can become hard for me to follow through with a detailed analysis of an individual thought, this is where an 'introverted intuitive thinker' comes in handy :-)

 

--oh, I am very fascinated with your suggestion about answering people's questions 'literally' when you know they are being sarcastic or purposely obfuscating with the goal to manipulate. I spent last year studying how to use non-verbal communication as a tool to get verbal abusers to disengage, so this is right up my alley.

 

Can you give a real life example of a situation like this?  (I think in pictures, so an IRL example will help me solidify this new way of thinking about verbal communication as a tool to fend off emotional manipulators.)

 

 

 

Blame is often a trigger word, most likely because it is used by bad people to off load 100% of the responsibility to another person in order to avoid 100% responsibility. 

 

I would ask, "what role do did the victim play in the outcome of the situation?"

 

True victims are often children as they play no role, nor do they share any of the responsibility for the abuse they suffer.

 

The less responsibility one has over the outcome of a situation, the more the usage of the word victim is warranted, in my opinion. So,that is not to say that adults cannot be true victims. 

 

It is for this reason, that I have been minimizing the use of the word "victim" and have been opting the use the word "target" for adults. Responsibility entails choice and where there's choice, there's power, which is certainly something we want to give to target.

 

 

 

PGP, The idea of naivete turning in nihilism is interesting and something I'd definitely have to get more thought. 

 

 

As always, thanks for reading and responding!

 

 

 

I am glad you brought up the use of the word victim because when I was working as a CPS counselor in Atlanta, I had removed this word from my vocabulary. My CPS training emphasized the importance of self-responsibility and a self-directed recovery plan. Over this past year it has crept back into my speech patterns, and I'm really annoyed I let that happen. Speech habits are so hard for me to break. {You are a great role model.}

 

*side note: the other word that was pounded into my head at my CPS training was the replacement of 'help' with 'support.' Because when you 'help' someone you are sending them the message they are not capable of doing it on their own. While support implies, you can do it, and I am here to offer suggestions and cheer you on while you do it yourself.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me, I always take away something useful after reading your input. :-)