Emotional Manipulation: Guilt

[Three]

Eliciting guilt can be achieved in a variety of different ways, with the success of such attempts often relying on how seasoned the abuser is. Other factors come into play too, for the seasoned abuser understands that knowing the target can be just as valuable as knowing the craft.

This is important since guilt is after all, to borrow Wiki’s definition, “ an experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.”

Without some knowledge of what the target values, an abuser is at best left engaging in the embarrassing spectacle of blindly throwing anything against the wall with the desperate hope that something will stick.

Sometimes the effect can be quite funny, as is the case with this "guilt trip fail" that I found on the internet.

Customer: “Hey, you guys sell fish food and supplies, but do you have any fish?”

Me: “No, sorry sir, we don’t sell pets.”

Customer: “Where do they sell pets?”

Me: “A pet store?”

Customer: “Is there one of those near here?”

Me: “Uhm, I really don’t know.”

Customer: “Will you take me to it?”

Me: “… no?”

Customer: “Sam Walton would take me to it!”

Me: “Sam Walton is dead.”

It is for this reason that this common breed of toxic behavior is often found overpopulating the interactions of our most intimate relationships. The longer somebody is around you and the closer you are to the person then naturally, the more information a person has about you to blackmail.

So, other than requiring knowledge of the target, how does the manipulator get the target to believe that he’s violated his own standards as well as being fully responsible for that violation.?


As we saw with the disgruntled Sam Walton loving customer, you can’t just throw out the guilt-tripping phrases point-blank. Effective guilt tripping is a set-up that requires an elaborate “generosity” phase that is designed to build to the success of later accusations of selfishness. During the “generosity” phase the abuser might offer to buy food, drinks, lend money, clean your room, ect.


What distinguishes this psuedo-generosity from real generosity is the underlying motive.
True generosity is to give without any expectation of reciprocity. Yet, that doesn’t stop many of us from experiencing a strong desire to return the favor in some way or another. It is this moment wherein we reveal our values and as a result, that desire value becomes high-jacked and used against us in phrases like,

“What do you mean you can’t give me a discount! I’ve been a paying customer for nearly a decade! ”

Or, “You don’t want to go to your aunt’s birthday dinner? Remember all those times she’s been there for you? All the things she’s gotten you over the years? ”

Let’s say we don’t have a strong desire to return the favor? No matter. Since most of us still don’t want to be seen as selfish, the guilt tripper will appeal to this desire instead. While accusations of selfishness were implied in the earlier examples, sometimes it can be very explicit.

“You don’t want to help your mother with the grass? That’s really selfish”


Abuser’s can become really creative and pile on layers of complexity to this trick. Sometimes the request for a favor is calculated in such a way as to be asked within a short period of time after the Abuser does something “altruistic”, like purchase an entire meal, the whole purpose of which being a ploy designed to lead into the eventual request.


Let’s say you’re tired of receiving gifts that will inevitably be used against you and so you ask the guilt tripper to refrain from providing any favors, gifts, or help. In order to ensure that she has some kind of leverage over you, the abuser isn’t going to be willing to agree to this request. So, how does she respond? Well, since empathetic people have a strong desire to not hurt others, the abuser will most likely opt to exploit this desire with crocodile tears.

“You mean do don’t care about what I’ve done for you? I...I just wanted to make you happy. You’re hurting me!”. Then the tears ensue.


So, in this example you're given a guilt trip for not allowing ploys that are designed to set up guilt trips. 


It’s a no-win situation that wreaks havoc on the nervous system. Prolonged exposure to this kind of abuse transforms the healthy mechanism of guilt, which is designed to send tolerable internal cues to help one adjust his actions for the benefit of his own happiness, into a mechanism that signals for the adjustment of actions for the benefit of the abuser, to avoid punishment.

The only way to win is to not play.

[Bipedal Primate]

Eliciting guilt can be achieved in a variety of different ways, with the success of such attempts often relying on how seasoned the abuser is. Other factors come into play too, for the seasoned abuser understands that knowing the target can be just as valuable as knowing the craft.

 

Let’s say you’re tired of receiving gifts that will inevitably be used against you and so you ask the guilt tripper to refrain from providing any favors, gifts, or help. In order to ensure that she has some kind of leverage over you, the abuser isn’t going to be willing to stop agree to this request. So, how does she respond?Well, since empathetic people have a strong desire to not hurt others, the abuser will most likely opt to exploit this desire with crocodile tears.

 

“You mean do don’t care about what I’ve done for you? I...I just wanted to make you happy. You’re hurting me!”. Then the tears ensue.

 

 

It’s a no-win situation that wreaks havoc on the nervous system. Prolonged exposure to this kind of abuse transforms the healthy mechanism of guilt, which is designed to send tolerable internal cues to help one adjust his actions for the benefit of his own happiness, into a mechanism that signals for the adjustment of actions for the benefit of the abuser, to avoid punishment.

 

The only way to win is to not play.

 

Thanks for putting this information out there. So many people are victims of this sort of subtle covert abuse and can't ever figure out why their inner voice is screaming foul play.

 

Recently, someone (I didn't know well) shared a sad experience and started crying. I thought it was strange when I didn't have my usual empathic physiological reaction to a person crying. It was because my inner voice told me, this person is full of shit. They are actively crying with the goal to manipulate me into feeling sorry for them, for their own benefit. For a split second, I started feeling "guilt" i wasn't 'reacting' to the crying. Luckily, I have realized my inner-voice/feelings are there to guide me, trusting my inner-voice/feelings is the first step to identifying if someone is being authentic.

 

You are so right, It is so easy for empaths to fall for this crap. I swear, I think toxic manipulators can smell me a mile away. 

 

I can also relate to the narcissistic mom who 'does so much for you' but 'in the background/behind the curtain' she is keeping a detailed ledger with all the debt you have accumulated over the years. In my abuser's mind, It's impossible to ever repay all her kindness, therefore she truly believes I am an indebted slave until she's dead.

 

I'm really fascinated with comparing/looking at brain scans of emotional abuse victims. If you ever come across any while you are researching, let me know :-) I like linking scientific evidence with the claim that emotional abuse alters people's cognitive processing abilities, which in turn creates unnatural cognitive habits. [i believe 'unnatural cognitive habits' can be altered back to something closer to what they would have been before being abused, with intensive self therapy and peer support.]

 

Thanks Joel, as usual great work!

[Kevin Beal]

Great post!

 

This is one of my favorites so far. A favorite perhaps because of it's relevance, but also because of the clear description of what is going on and why it is happening. As someone who has known a good number of people who pull this shit, I've become quite sensitive to it.

 

I really like the emphasis on guilt being a violation of your own standards, and how a manipulative type of person learns to exploit that to their advantage, so it doesn't look like it's something being imposed on them from the outside, when actually that's exactly what it is.

 

Enough empathy to hurt, but not enough to actually help. Yuck!

 

And I think it's always funny to see the failures of manipulative people, to put it into perspective, how pathetic it really is.

 

I think that cousin of this exploitation is the "love" of selfish people. They get their hooks in by establishing "I love you, Kevin" and suddenly the nature of the relationship has changed. A truly loving relationship includes genuinely selfless acts that honor the virtue of the other. That is like free money in the eyes of a narcissist. It's like a thief who has convinced a neighborhood that he's there to protect their stuff. If only they can get you to say "I love you, too", like words to a curse which bind you in their service.

 

And it would be bad enough if their "I love you, Kevin" just resulted in me giving them my TV or something, but what people have wanted from me in the past is my genuine love merely for the virtue of being in proximity to me (i.e. not earning my love). It's repulsive to me, like I'm some kind of love whore to be used at whim.

 

I really don't want to be used to fill the empty void in other people. First off, even if my love for them were genuine, it would never be enough, but also my love is incredibly fucking important to me and they are not deserving of it. I don't want to betray my love for the sake of a selfish person's greed.

[hannahbanana]

I think it's important, to me personally especially, to remember what you said about guilt being the feeling that you've broken YOUR OWN moral standards. The most insidious forms of guilt manipulation, I think, are when someone makes you feel guilty for a value that isn't really your own. For example, saying something like "you don't want to see your mom? Your OWN MOTHER? How selfish!" Even if the person knows that familial connection doesn't mean anything to them, the other person is making them feel like it's wrong to think that...so then in a way I guess you'd feel doubly guilty.

[Bouncelot]

I grew up in a very guilt ridden, manipulative environment. Before I was able to break away I had to learn to see it for what it was. I became very sensitive to this form of manipulation.

 

What has shocked me most is how widespread it is! Its not just in "emotional abuse" families. I think it has just been around so long that is it part of the culture, at least in my area.... I have come across groups of "real friends" who are supportive, and respectful towards each other, but who will still pull a "come-on, a real friend would do X for me..." every once in awhile, and think that is "normal".

[Three]

 

Thanks for putting this information out there. So many people are victims of this sort of subtle covert abuse and can't ever figure out why their inner voice is screaming foul play.

 

Recently, someone (I didn't know well) shared a sad experience and started crying. I thought it was strange when I didn't have my usual empathic physiological reaction to a person crying. It was because my inner voice told me, this person is full of shit. They are actively crying with the goal to manipulate me into feeling sorry for them, for their own benefit. For a split second, I started feeling "guilt" i wasn't 'reacting' to the crying. Luckily, I have realized my inner-voice/feelings are there to guide me, trusting my inner-voice/feelings is the first step to identifying if someone is being authentic.

 

You are so right, It is so easy for empaths to fall for this crap. I swear, I think toxic manipulators can smell me a mile away. 

 

I can also relate to the narcissistic mom who 'does so much for you' but 'in the background/behind the curtain' she is keeping a detailed ledger with all the debt you have accumulated over the years. In my abuser's mind, It's impossible to ever repay all her kindness, therefore she truly believes I am an indebted slave until she's dead.

 

I'm really fascinated with comparing/looking at brain scans of emotional abuse victims. If you ever come across any while you are researching, let me know :-) I like linking scientific evidence with the claim that emotional abuse alters people's cognitive processing abilities, which in turn creates unnatural cognitive habits. [i believe 'unnatural cognitive habits' can be altered back to something closer to what they would have been before being abused, with intensive self therapy and peer support.]

 

Thanks Joel, as usual great work!

 

Thank you, Sacha!

 

I think that's an interesting point you made about not feeling guilty. Amid all the confusion that the abuser creates in our heads, our gut still allows us to achieve certainty. If we feel bad around someone then that's usually the best answer. 

 

Also, here are some brain scans I found related to emotional abuse. 

 

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/issue_briefs/brain_development/effects.cfm

 

Great post!

 

This is one of my favorites so far. A favorite perhaps because of it's relevance, but also because of the clear description of what is going on and why it is happening. As someone who has known a good number of people who pull this shit, I've become quite sensitive to it.

 

I really like the emphasis on guilt being a violation of your own standards, and how a manipulative type of person learns to exploit that to their advantage, so it doesn't look like it's something being imposed on them from the outside, when actually that's exactly what it is.

 

Enough empathy to hurt, but not enough to actually help. Yuck!

 

And I think it's always funny to see the failures of manipulative people, to put it into perspective, how pathetic it really is.

 

I think that cousin of this exploitation is the "love" of selfish people. They get their hooks in by establishing "I love you, Kevin" and suddenly the nature of the relationship has changed. A truly loving relationship includes genuinely selfless acts that honor the virtue of the other. That is like free money in the eyes of a narcissist. It's like a thief who has convinced a neighborhood that he's there to protect their stuff. If only they can get you to say "I love you, too", like words to a curse which bind you in their service.

 

And it would be bad enough if their "I love you, Kevin" just resulted in me giving them my TV or something, but what people have wanted from me in the past is my genuine love merely for the virtue of being in proximity to me (i.e. not earning my love). It's repulsive to me, like I'm some kind of love whore to be used at whim.

 

I really don't want to be used to fill the empty void in other people. First off, even if my love for them were genuine, it would never be enough, but also my love is incredibly fucking important to me and they are not deserving of it. I don't want to betray my love for the sake of a selfish person's greed.

 

Hey, Kevin. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. That really means a lot . 

 

I certainly agree that when manipulative people profess "love", it serves the same purpose as offering a favor or gift in the sense that it is a set up. The underlying motive is to get something out of you and it is designed to constrict your sense of movement towards the word "no". 

 

When a manipulative person uses the words "I love you, Kevin", they are setting up the words "no" with being synonymous with "breaking someones heart"

 

 

 

I think it's important, to me personally especially, to remember what you said about guilt being the feeling that you've broken YOUR OWN moral standards. The most insidious forms of guilt manipulation, I think, are when someone makes you feel guilty for a value that isn't really your own. For example, saying something like "you don't want to see your mom? Your OWN MOTHER? How selfish!" Even if the person knows that familial connection doesn't mean anything to them, the other person is making them feel like it's wrong to think that...so then in a way I guess you'd feel doubly guilty.

 

Perhaps the most tragic thing about being psychologically tortured for many years is that the abuser(or abusers) becomes internalized. Internalization is the process by which the attitudes, values, standards and opinions of others is integrated into one's own sense of identity. It happens automatically and undoing this can take many years.

 

Thus, the guilt tripping can influence our behavior even without the abuser being present long after the abusive episode has taken place.

 

Sometimes without us being aware of it. 

 

It is for this reason why I think you've made a crucial point, which is to always ask yourself "what are MY values?" "Who's running my life" "Me or someone else?"

 

 

 

I grew up in a very guilt ridden, manipulative environment. Before I was able to break away I had to learn to see it for what it was. I became very sensitive to this form of manipulation.

 

What has shocked me most is how widespread it is! Its not just in "emotional abuse" families. I think it has just been around so long that is it part of the culture, at least in my area.... I have come across groups of "real friends" who are supportive, and respectful towards each other, but who will still pull a "come-on, a real friend would do X for me..." every once in awhile, and think that is "normal".

 

I'm really sorry you grew up in a guilt ridden family. That's really awful.

 

 

Also, 

I agree, large governments and religious institutions uses this mechanism of control at large. 

 

 

[Bouncelot]

It is for this reason why I think you've made a crucial point, which is to always ask yourself "what are MY values?" "Who's running my life" "Me or someone else?"

 

That is the key to a lot of things I suppose, isn't it?  Knowing who YOU are, helps to protect against these people in the future, and helps us break free in the present.

 

For me, I had to become the "guiltless man". Years before I discovered Atlas Shrugged, and other such writing, I broke free by discovering my values, learning who I was, and not accepting any guilt that was not my own; and then you see the death throws as they call you heartless, or anything else they can, to try and get their hooks back into you. The first time it happened I was surprised to find myself laughing in response, and a sense of calm and relief passed over me as I realized I was immune.

[Kevin Beal]

bump