IFS Therapy concerns.

[tnkltnkl]

I just wanted to reach out to anyone that has experience with IFS therapy. I recently contacted an IFS Therapist about starting some therapy with them, but I am skeptical of the approach. I am not spiritual in any sense, and find that I am uncomfortable with the process and ideas behind the therapy. I've only heard good things about it so far though so I thought I could give it a try. I have a very small income, so I'm extremely cautious about spending such a large amount of money on something that might not work for me.

 

Has anyone gone through with IFS Therapy who is not spiritual, or perhaps that it made them initially uncomfortable? 

 

Were you able to successfully process your traumas?

 

If I don't go with the IFS model, are there any other models that you might suggest as effective?


The IFS model had me, right up until the true Self bit. The protectors, managers, and exiles all make sense, in a sort of "dumbed down" version of what's going on in my mind. 

 

Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

[PatrickC]

You can always go with a regular therapist.. IFS is one route, but certainly not the only one. I have had friends successfully use an IFS therapist mind, although I didn't myself.

[tnkltnkl]

Thanks for responding Patrick, I forgot to mention that I'm only able to get counselling via Skype and that the only counselors I found offering their services through Skype were IFS therapists.

 

I'm so hesitant about regular therapists as well due to previous bad experiences with them (though I know not all therapists could be like that). I felt that an IFS therapist might hold similar values to myself rather than calling my mother brave for being a single alcoholic parent, which had happened with one of my previous therapists. I am worried that I won't be able to discern if the therapist is the right fit for me within the first session, especially since I have such a difficult time expressing my thoughts and needs.

 

I'm kind of curious if there is some sort of hybrid IFS model where spirituality doesn't play such a huge role?

[Kaylee]

I'd love to hear IFS experiences from an actual office.

 

Until recently, I didn't live anywhere near an IFS therapist, and so I did the best I could with the book Self Therapy by Jay Earley. I had been to a few therapists in my life before, but IFS in particular totally blew my mind. If people have super powers where they can use every ounce of their brain matter to achieve whatever they want, I believe IFS is what will give them these powers. I've been to a few therapists in my life, and the two experiences hardly even compare (maybe take this statement with a grain of salt, I don't think they were the best therapists). 

 

It took me awhile to get past the procrastination block, which wouldn't have been a problem with a therapist. However, once I did, it was incredible. It was so enlightening, powerful, and oddly, a whole lot of fun. It was easy to throw my own creativity and enthusiasm into.

 

It is always kind of strange to describe to rational people, though, and I find I'm careful about whom I share it with. It can sound hokey, but I swear it's real magic.

[PatrickC]

Yes I hear your anxiety about supporting parents. Why not ask them up front what they think about it. That way you'll quickly discover what their bias is. I would say you can have just as many bad IFS therapists as regular ones probably. Question them hard at first. After all you are the customer. Good luck!

[tnkltnkl]

Kaylee, thank you so  much for responding.

 

Your post made me smile, genuinely. I didn't realize I had such a negative mindset towards the therapy itself, that the whole thing was so serious and depressing. I do have a lot of very serious issues to sort through, but that doesn't mean I have to approach it the same way.

 

I have to admit, it does sound extremely hokey to me, and its my gut reaction towards it.

 

Did you initially have reservations about it or did you just like it straight away? I'm curious if there's anything I can do to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling I get, and just dive in. 

 

I'm going to go look that book up now!

 

 

@ Patrick

 

You're absolutely right, I can have just as many bad IFS therapists as regular ones. It sounds so silly, but one of the reasons I need a therapist is I can't even express to them what I need/want. I'll work on figuring something out for that.

[PatrickC]

But one of the reasons I need a therapist is I can't even express to them what I need/want. I'll work on figuring something out for that.

 

Then at least tell them you struggle with expressing your needs.. See how they respond to that and how their response makes you feel.

[Kaylee]

You are so welcome! I'm glad what I said made you smile. 

 

Like you, I had strong feelings about therapy because of my past therapy experiences. I knew I needed to do something, though, and soon. I don't remember having reservations about the IFS framework. When I first started listening to the Freedomain Radio podcasts, I listened to the interview with Richard Schwartz. I remember this story he told of a girl who cut herself, and how he thought he had helped her (this was all before he was using IFS), but she just came back again with more wounds the next week. Then her reaction at discovering a protector, and the instant progress she made, it was all very powerful for me. I thought if it could help her heal, then it definitely could for me too. 

 

You say the protectors and exiles make sense to you, but you're unsure about this true self thing? I'm still not as much of an expert as I'd like to be, but I guess I was worried about not being able to find a true self. It's a bizarre concept to try to nail down, and without going through the process. Like, it seems like a really slippery concept. How are you not always your true self, or once it's gone, is it not gone forever? Is it an end point? I had a million hazy concepts. What I can say, and I hope it helps, is that it's just nomenclature. If you go through the steps, you'll find it and understand, at least a little bit, what they're talking about. It's not really spiritual at all. Unfortunately, I think the term "true self" is a bit overloaded in this case. The loosey goosey spiritual people like to use it in the same breath as when talk about their spirit aura color. In reality, it's a term to try to describe the absence of the thoughts and emotions of your protectors and exiles, kind of like the number zero, but for self knowledge. 

 

I was also very worried about not being able to do it on my own, somehow. I can confidently say now that I think anyone can. There may be ways that are more optimally efficient, but as long as you put any amount of effort in, you'll get better.

[Kevin Beal]

I've never done IFS, but if you go and you still find that it's not for you, certainly there are other psychotherapy approaches which work and are good. Stef has mentioned multiple times that he's a big fan of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and he's someone who's demonstrated that he's processed a great many parts of himself since his range as a philosopher is so broad.

 

He went to a Jungian therapist, apparently, and I did too. She said some mystical things on occasion and we would talk about how much I disliked it when she would talk about that stuff (e.x. collective unconscious). It ended up being really helpful in terms of becoming comfortable being in disagreement with people. Shadow work in Jungian therapy is a bit like working with exiles in IFS, and I found it enormously helpful.

 

I've got a long ways to go to process things from my past (and am currently working on a way to quantify it to some degree), but I've definitely relaxed a few defenses and integrated them as allies (as compared to a blended part in IFS terms).

 

I know some people who have found it really valuable and I really like the way they break down different types of parts so you can have a sophisticated vocabulary in how you go about talking about a problem, and I read Jay Earley's book that everyone recommends. Well most of it anyway.

 

This might speak more to something in me, rather than as any kind of criticism of the theory, but I absolutely couldn't stand the description of Self in the book. That the Self is always curious and compassionate and if you're not then that means you're blended with a part and all of that. I have no logical argument and am probably wrong, but despite that I feel a sense of certainty that this is false, and a powerful irritation that it's portrayed that way.

 

The research I've seen says that the kind of therapy you do is not anywhere near as important as the client-therapist relationship itself. But maybe if I had done IFS therapy, I might tell you otherwise

[Kaki]

I am doing IFS therapy now since a year through Skype with a female therapist and I am -just like you- neither spiritual nor religious in any way. The therapist I am working with is herself an atheist. There is no spirituality or esoteric or anything like this ever coming up in the sessions. My IFS-therapist believes in objective truth and has always been 100% supportive of me defooing my parents. There have never been any issues of her defending them or justifying my parents behaviors.

 

I have been searching for a good therapist for a long time and met many (both in person as well as through Skype) before I found the one I am currently working with.

IFS has been incredibly helpful and my progress through therapy has been huge.

I can wholeheartedly recommend the method if you find a therapist you trust and feel comfortable with. I have spoken to IFS therapists who triggered me and who were not a good match, I am sure it would not have been possible for me to work with them in the long run.

 

The IFS approach is incredibly respectful of you and what you are dealing with. This was (besides my therapist being highly empathic) for me personally a great help in learning respect for myself and taking what happened to me serious.

I also love about it that you can easily do most of the work outside of the sessions which makes the sessions that much more productive. I am spending one hour per week in therapy (two if something important has come up) but easily 14-18 hours outside doing parts-work and journaling.

 

Let me know if you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer!

[tnkltnkl]

Thank you guys, again, for responding.

 

I'm feeling much more confident and relaxed about going through with this type of therapy. I feel reassured, and even a bit excited to try this out. 

 

I'm also glad to hear, Kaki, that a lot of the work can be done outside of the sessions. I was worried I wouldn't have enough time in them to sort through anything. While I don't think I will be able to afford doing one hour per week, (I think the best I can hope for is one hour per month) I'm very glad to know that I will still be able to do a lot of work on my own with guidance and advice from her when I can.

 

@ Kevin 

Yeah that's what bothered me most about the IFS model, was the Self. At the very least, I'll be able to bring it up with her and maybe we can figure out my discomfort about it.

[Bedouin]

So I can't say that I fully understand IFS myself - my only understanding comes from beginning the book and the interviews Stefan has on the subject...

 

The IFS model had me, right up until the true Self bit. The protectors, managers, and exiles all make sense, in a sort of "dumbed down" version of what's going on in my mind.

... but is the true self concept in IFS similar to the concept of the same name in other therapy models? i.e. that part of us which sort of verges on the spiritual side of things, and is supposed to represent the side of us which is untainted by trauma? Kind of like the soul?

 

In which case, or otherwise, could you elaborate as to the reasons for your scepticism?