On the plights of trying to avoid being an estrogen based parasite

[danielle9184]

Hi all! I've been listening to Mr. Molyneux's podcasts and watching on YouTube for over a year. I have to say that I really admire his perspective on the world and I frankly find it extremely refreshing.

 

This may come off a bit like an introduction.

 

Me: I'm a 30 year old from a pair of married biological parents, from an upper middle class neighborhood in the Philadelphia Metro area of South Jersey. I am the eldest of five Irish Catholic children. I was the accident and reason for my parent's marriage at a particularly young age, in a time period when it was less common; the early eighties. My family used to attend church more frequently while I was growing up and like many, I was subject to public school as well as afternoon Catholic education. Now, they have seem to have dissolved into twice-a-year-Catholics but who could blame them. Although my mother did stay home for the first 10 years of my life before going on to be successful in her current career, it was never suggested to me that I would do anything besides be a self-sufficient hard worker.

 

I am aware that based on my back ground and education, I ought to be at a certain place in my life. Married and trying to get pregnant. Trying to get married. Or much higher on the corporate/ income ladder than I currently am. I'm a receptionist, now, actually. I don't even make $20,000 a year. Nothing, in the world irritates me more than the fact that women younger than me are sitting at home, knocked up and not worrying about how their electric is going to be paid because Big Daddy Government will take care of that. I do not blame the economy, men or any force outside of myself for my current situation. Some could say that because I have/had a mental illness (Major Depressive Disorder and Anorexia) that it's understandable that I did not find success in my education and as a result have not found it in my current work situation.

You see, I made a mistake when I was 24 and the 2008 Ecomony Crash hit. Instead of hitting the streets for a new job when I got laid off, I decided to become a full-time exotic dancer. It only took me four-five years to realize that it was a waste of time because it was not helping my resume at all. What was I thinking? I was young and needed to feel as if I was attractive. I had been bullied, for being in special education, for the larger part of my educational experience and suffered with an intestinal disorder called Ulcerative Colitis. Feeling pretty was and is still sometimes a struggle for me. People talk very degradingly of women in sexually oriented fields, particularly people from backgrounds like mine. Having been the "good girl" for all of my life, I wanted to do something "bad" for once in my life. Dancers aren't leeches, inherently. They're like prostitutes in a way. The exchange is honest. You like to look at me naked. I would like to be paid. I only do occasional gigs now because, let's face it, who doesn't like cold, hard cash in hand totaling up to, sometimes, $400 for six hours of mindless work. So, clearly, I'm not unattractive. It's only taken me this long to realize that I could land a catch of a relationship, if I honestly sought to. But I have a very typical, low self-esteem, attraction to men who turn out to be jerks and abusers in one form or another.

 

I've recently started going to therapy again. Last year, my weight got very, very low. Lowest ever. My fiance' had cheated on me. I stayed and suppressed my deep, seething anguish by working every hour I could stand to and counting calories obsessively. I'm still with him. That's another issue. What I am trying to figure out is what do I really want out of life? I feel adrift on a tide to no where. The last thing I can stand to be is a burden. I know I want to be loved but I want to be loved by someone who has as much passion and drive and interest in the world around them as I have. There's a fear that I've started to have, as a result of my last two, long term relationships, current included, that no matter who my partner is, I will go to have disgust and resentment towards them within a few years. And part of me thinks that sometimes, it would be best to just be alone. Two reasons I am not alone, I don't make enough to do so and it could be dangerous considering I'd be coming off a break up. No, I can't move in with my parents and go back to the scene of the crime, where the cabinets are all filled with food and my mom makes snide comments about my food choices, appearance etc. I have no idea what really makes me happy or what drives me but, by God, I'll be thin.

 

I don't feel the title fits.

[J. D. Stembal]

I am sorry that you were raised Catholic. I can't imagine what the perpetual guilt is like to feel along with the shaming you experienced from your mother. Ulcerative Colitis is no walk in the park, either, when you've had the runs for a three weeks straight. Anorexia sounds like an awful experience. I'm all about eating nutritionally dense foods with the most fats. They trigger the feeling of being full much better than other foods. To me, this is the best feeling in the world.

 

I don't have any ethical problems with exotic dancing as long as no one is breaking the non-aggression principle. However, you have to ask yourself what kind of men you will attract in relationships. You haven't told us much about the current boyfriend, but if you are feeling disgust towards him, perhaps it is the projected disgust you feel for yourself. "How can he love possibly love me?"

 

I'm going to get real here and say that I have gotten involved with exotic dancers. I wasn't going to the venue and picking them up there, but meeting them on the street or in a bar and finding out later that they sometimes danced or used to dance. Now I wonder if this was actually a shit test aimed at gauging my self-worth. If I did not act revolted then I was not long term relationship material. I also have a funny feeling that the majority of ex-dancers would likely bury that history when they met a man with whom they wanted marriage and children. Looking back, I did not have the intention of settling down with any of these women, but interestingly enough, none of the dancers were at all comfortable entering into a monogamous relationship with me. It's as if they already knew I wasn't the one, and just decided to string me along with sex for as long as they could manage.

 

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that you are a parasite just because you worked as an exotic dancer. What is more important is how you feel about it. You called it "mindless work" so I suspect that at some level you hold some contempt for the trade.

[danielle9184]

The relationship I am in did not start under ideal conditions and certainly isn't what most would call a ideally healthy relationship. The disgust I spoke of was a general feeling, which I had experienced before in a previously, slightly less unhealthy relationship.

*He has issues controlling his anger, or angry behavior.

*he is bipolar and not in treatment.

*he takes his frustration with things I life, ranging from mild annoyances to actual things people stress about like making sure there is enough money that bills get paid. How the behavior shows itself ranges from yelling, to being destructive to objects.

*he cheated on me over a year ago. We did not get therapy to get past it. He prefers the head in the sand approach when he has done something wrong.

*i am aware that he was adopted and abused physically by his alcoholic father, mentally by his sister and mother, sexually by his sister and male cousins.

 

Why is he of value aside from my misguided affection? We cohabitate. I do not have enough income to support myself (and I have zero interest in going back to dancing full time) and living with a roommate who will not be attentive to my eating behavior, as I would not expect them to be, could be asking for real trouble. I do not trust myself enough to be alone. Does this make me a parasite.

I am aware that I need help, obviously, cause I am in therapy. I am waiting on a Warm line as I type right now for a peer specialist to talk to me. I am a bit upset about something that happened a few hours ago and don't want to burden my friends at eleven at night.

[fractional slacker]

Danielle, welcome to FDR!

[J. D. Stembal]

The relationship I am in did not start under ideal conditions and certainly isn't what most would call a ideally healthy relationship. The disgust I spoke of was a general feeling, which I had experienced before in a previously, slightly less unhealthy relationship.

*He has issues controlling his anger, or angry behavior.

*he is bipolar and not in treatment.

*he takes his frustration with things I life, ranging from mild annoyances to actual things people stress about like making sure there is enough money that bills get paid. How the behavior shows itself ranges from yelling, to being destructive to objects.

*he cheated on me over a year ago. We did not get therapy to get past it. He prefers the head in the sand approach when he has done something wrong.

*i am aware that he was adopted and abused physically by his alcoholic father, mentally by his sister and mother, sexually by his sister and male cousins.

 

Why is he of value aside from my misguided affection? We cohabitate. I do not have enough income to support myself (and I have zero interest in going back to dancing full time) and living with a roommate who will not be attentive to my eating behavior, as I would not expect them to be, could be asking for real trouble. I do not trust myself enough to be alone. Does this make me a parasite.

I am aware that I need help, obviously, cause I am in therapy. I am waiting on a Warm line as I type right now for a peer specialist to talk to me. I am a bit upset about something that happened a few hours ago and don't want to burden my friends at eleven at night.

 

This pains me to hear, Danielle. I experienced yelling and throwing/breaking objects as a child. It's a cold feeling inside my gut. I also started emulating this destructive behavior as a teenager and adult. Luckily, I outgrew it eventually. This is a bad situation for you and any children you decide to have with your roommate.

 

You should research on Padmapper for any sublets or spare rooms in your area, and get out. I would rather be homeless than live with someone this abusive. He may not be hitting you now, but he has clearly demonstrated to you that he has no wish to help himself. It sounds like he has a ton of family history to be angry about. Why let him vent this frustration at you? It doesn't solve his problems.

 

I don't see how not wanting to be alone makes you a parasite. You don't have to be alone if you leave. This man may even go to great lengths in ensure that you stay alone... with him.. Also, why aren't your friends encouraging you to leave? That is a question to ask yourself. I'm not looking to get an definitive answer.

 

I also don't understand why you need an abusive, angry, uncaring lover to monitor your eating behavior. If anything, I would think that the longer you stay around him, the more of a negative impact it will have on your self-image and thus, your anorexia. (I don't even have an amateur knowledge of anorexia, so take my observation at face value.)

[growler76]

I do not have much expertise in this area but I just want to say that I think you should really consider finding a place with roommates.  I can't fathom what it is like to have a digestive disorder requiring special dieting habits, but it seems to me that you have a lot of things on your plate and perhaps eliminating most of them by getting out of the situation would allow you to focus more on this even without external help.  At your income level, I would suggest even being open to finding a house with several roommates to split the rent with.

 

At one point I lived in a house with 4 other people, and while it's not the most ideal situation (if you want independence) I think it is a logical option as a transition to get to where you want to go next (whether you know what this is or not).  Roommates don't have to be best friends, they just have to be civil to each other and figure out win-win negotiations for their living situation.  In my situation, I changed jobs a few times, slowly acquiring more income.  Eventually me and one other roommate moved into an apartment, and finally I was able to move out on my own. Don't feel bad about your age and situation.  I think I was older than you when I was able to finally do this on my own.

 

I don't know what you can afford, but you might at least see if there are any rooms available that you might be able to afford.  If you have circles of acquaintances (local forums/facebook?) to get feelers out that might help.