I cannot come out to my family... again.

[The Red Prince]

Hello, before I begin I would like to say my previous thread "I think I hate my little sister," has been resolved, or is resolving itself. I was recording a new song down in my room and she came for a brief visit, usually she just ignores me or I have to initiate the conversation and carry, but she actually spoke to me in a lighthearted mood, told me a bit about goals. This is a great sign, we spoke in our own "sibling" code if that makes any sense, much more was communicated than what was said.

 

Now to the topic at hand. I have alluded in the past that I am homosexual, and thee have been conflicts with this reality in my family before. When I was 18, I came out to my mom outright, and the reaction was odd and hellish in my opinion. I have begun to think that this has led to more confusion about my sexuality then I have previously thought. After that incident, I have noticed a pattern up until now. At around 2 month increments, I would feel an increasing mental depression while "out" to myself, and would literally swing back to being "straight". This switch is always accompanied by a zealous return to religiosity, whereby I would throw myself into the esoteric study of Christ or Krishna, burn myself out to to my inability to stop masturbating or kick cigarettes, question the foundation of the religion and end up destroying it. During this religious phase, I would either get back with my ex-girlfriend or feign interest in another, yet my attraction to males pops back up with a vengeance like clockwork-- it literally never fails. I would also like to add for data, that these religious phases always begin if I am within proximity to my Father in some way or another.

 

Recently I have been doing some harrowing psychological work (audio-journaling, forcing myself to create music, and observing every circumstantial emotion I have for around 2 months) since I find myself back in my Grandmother's house, with my Father, the very place I sought to actively avoid. Because of the internal work I am doing, I have managed to reverse my cycle to some degree, and have come to terms with the unique sexuality (it really is quite subtle and beautiful), and have even began talking to someone I have a true attraction on a REAL emotional level. Since my personal sexual acceptance, I have witnessed that I have grown in that regard exponentially, as I just take note of what I like and don't like, what I have to offer in a relationship, and therefore who to look for.

 

I have a date tomorrow, and regardless of whether it will work out or not, I have realized that I am no longer looking for a fling or bed buddy, but an long term relationship that bears tangible fruit, I have had enough sex, that is no longer a priority, it has it's place. Because of my goal, this WILL come into direct opposition with my Father and Grandmother, because they are EXCEEDINGLY religious. To clarify, my Father is more lenient, but he goes where his mother goes, and she's literally fundamentalist. I have tested the water many times, asking her opinion on a gay celebrity and such, and the lake of fire is always mentioned or alluded-- its a lost cause in that regard.

 

Despite this I have a new found loyalty to myself, and when I become romantically involved with a man, I will not budge, nor pretend to change to appease my parents, which I have been guilty of in the past. It was tremendously stressful for all parties to come out to my parents the first time, and it went so badly I literally ran back into the closet. Based on my above mentioned history, should I come out-- again? Or try to play it as smooth as possible and make a quiet escape? My gut is telling me don't even bother because over the years I have had no follow-up conversation, no mention, no nothing, why should I bear my heart again to people who so vehemently reject homosexuality at a tragically fundamental level?

 

[AustinJames]

I couldn't possibly tell you what to do, but I think you answered your own question.  A big part of self-knowledge is just listening to yourself.  I think this is an instance in which you can trust your gut.  It seems to me that a confrontation would be a continuation of an unproductive conflict.

[Josh F]

I don't have any specific experience with coming out, though revealing hidden to truths to my family often did nothing to make them better and yet did provide me with a lot of anxiety relief.  I have made a recent friend who has a very similar problem, his mom is some kind of Republican politician and when he came out of the closet to her, she just went into denial, blamed him for his "confusion" and never mentioned it again.  Its incredibly disheartening and I feel bad.  In his case I think it results in repressing and then misplacing a ton of anger.  He'll go into these manic states whereas most of the time he is super calm and polite suddenly he is crying or screaming over really small things.  Just... don't let anyone gaslight you, make you think you're crazy when you're not, that shit is head spinning.  

[hannahbanana]

First off, I'm glad to hear you're finally starting to feel comfortable with your sexuality...it really is a sliding scale, and sometimes it just doesn't quite feel right to call yourself completely straight or completely gay. So congrats Like Austin said, it seems like you already know what to do with your family, and regardless of what they think, you want to stay true to who you are. I think that's a very admirable thing to do