Status Quo Knee Jerk Responses to Objective Parenting

[lbnuke]

I wanted to share an experience that I had with the board. I don't quite know what I expect to get out of posting it, perhaps some feedback, some thoughts, or just to share my experience. Here it is.

 

Today I realized, while presenting a Halloween candy option to a friend of ours, that thinking about options that are outside the mainstream is contentious and typically get a conclusionary response in return, hence bypassing the process of thinking and rationalizing out a real solution. Here's the scenario:

 

We have a group of friends over to our house. Two couples, one with two boys, the other with one boy. All are under 8 years old. My son has kept his bag of candy from Halloween in his room for about 2 weeks now. Mostly, he forgets it's there and we don't have him shying away to hide in his cave and binge on candy. However, during the time that these 3 additional boys were in our house, the bag came out of the drawer that our son kept it in and the 4 boys started walking around the house eating candy. Naturally, the parents were curious about where the kids had received this candy. I shared that my son's candy stash was in his room and he's managing it. I then mentioned a side story as something that I would like to do different, if given the opportunity. That other option goes this this:

 

     Take my son trick-or-treating at age 3, or even 2, for about an hour, maximum. Thus, his candy stash would be limited to roughly 20-30 pieces of candy. Once the night is over, I would talk with my son about what sugar does to teeth, what it does to our digestive system, how it makes him feel, and the values of good nutrition. Most importantly, I would stress that the candy he received is his and he can with it as he sees fit. I would also present an option to donate the candy somehow (but certainly not to the vets, as most other places so virtuously advertise :-). The purpose of this is that the child 'earned' the candy and can be left responsible to manage the candy as they see fit. It's a small enough portion of candy that it would not damage my son permanently due to the sugar content alone, and it's a chance to share responsibility and educate my son.

 

I didn't take the time to explain this situation in detail to this dinner guest. I said that I would like to take my son for an hour (20 - 30 pieces of candy), then explain the importance of a healthy lifestyle and candy's role (or lack thereof) in that lifestyle, but then leave the managing of the candy to him. When the candy's gone, it's gone. 

 

This dinner guest, and her husband, then said that children don't know any better, that that would never work, and it's not a good idea at all.

 

Now as a side note, my wife is from another country and all of these friends are as well. As such, they were speaking a foreign language to me for most of the conversation. After this woman and her husband made this comment, they switched back to speaking their native language, leaving the conversation with me essentially finished.

 

What remained in my mind about this conversation was how quickly this couple doubled up to end the conversation by stating that kids can't be trusted with their own lives and making their own choices.

 

[adamNJ]

 

 then said that children don't know any better, that that would never work, and it's not a good idea at all.

 

 

You should have stopped them and said, Wait, are you asking me or telling me?

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

 

This dinner guest, and her husband, then said that children don't know any better, that that would never work, and it's not a good idea at all.

 

"Really? Wow. Based on what evidence?"

[lbnuke]

I found out a key piece of information about this after my wife and I discussed it. This woman and her husband cannot control themselves around candy. Wow, who would have thought? So, in essence, they can't control them selves, so they need to project that lack of control onto their children, who also love candy, and will likely not be able to control themselves because of this imposed control on the part of their parents.

 

I am one to avoid conflict, especially in a room of my wife's friends (they're closer to her, and my wife gets upset with I discuss contentious topics with our friends at our house). And, the downside of the contentious conversation would be that everyone at the table would disagree with me and likely start speaking in another language. That says a lot about me and what psychological blocks I have, and my ability to remain gracious, Socratic, and kind in pointing out flaws in peoples' conclusions. Thoughts?

[FireMinstrel]

Probably based on their "evidence" of that couple having raised children who don't know how to make choices.

[lbnuke]

So... to expand, how do we as parents raise our children to have the power, initiative, and confidence to make decisions for themselves? I find that I will want to lecture my son about my conclusions about what will happen if he chooses a certain course of action rather than ask him about it. There's not much that a 5 year old can communicate about the motivations and impulses to do A vs. B, but they can make the base decision of A or B.

[J. D. Stembal]

I found out a key piece of information about this after my wife and I discussed it. This woman and her husband cannot control themselves around candy. Wow, who would have thought? So, in essence, they can't control them selves, so they need to project that lack of control onto their children, who also love candy, and will likely not be able to control themselves because of this imposed control on the part of their parents.

 

I am one to avoid conflict, especially in a room of my wife's friends (they're closer to her, and my wife gets upset with I discuss contentious topics with our friends at our house). And, the downside of the contentious conversation would be that everyone at the table would disagree with me and likely start speaking in another language. That says a lot about me and what psychological blocks I have, and my ability to remain gracious, Socratic, and kind in pointing out flaws in peoples' conclusions. Thoughts?

 

I appreciate your attitude on parenting. Letting your children manage for themselves is incredibly empowering for them. I also agree that we should be educating them on how the food industry is perpetually barraging everyone, and not just children, with images of unhealthy processed food. It's great that you are having these discussions with them while to behaving like the usual dictator parent.

 

Both of my parents can't control themselves around sweets or alcohol. Both bad habits rubbed off on me. I can't keep alcohol or candy around the house because eventually I would lose it and eat or drink it all.