I don't want to see my therapist any more - or do I?

[Bedouin]

As the title paraphrases, I am in a very taxing internal feud of on the one hand thinking

1 - My therapist is right and safe. It is just my emotional defences that keep telling me otherwise. Maybe he is blunt but this doesn't make him incorrect. In his professional opinion, I need therapy and quitting at this point would be a bad choice.

2 - My therapist is wrong and manipulating me. He is a family apologist and I don't like some of his behaviours. He says I need therapy and that I may remain in some unhappy state of deadness for years to come if I don't continue. I highly doubt this though.

 

Progress has been made - he and I have pressed specifically at me taking more responsibility, and I'm finally doing so. About to get my second proper job, first in a while, and considering looking for more.

 

There was a particular friction at the start which always made me want to quit, which was that - and this made me embarrassed and does now - when I asked him how he was on entering his clinic for the first few weeks, which was sort of a reflex of mine, he wouldn't answer. And it made me feel very uncomfortable. But it also made me feel embarrassed, and angry at him. Maybe this was a bad first impression that could have led to my mistrust? I don't know.

 

All in all, I would like to be able to quit. It's been a year now and I don't want to waste any more time if he, or I, are not up to the task... I want the freedom of having more space to do my own self reflection rather than have it scheduled in at certain times every week. I feel worried about being vulnerable with this therapist. He just doesn't feel right in some ways and hasn't from the start. I'm sure he could be worse but he just doesn't feel right for me... So, I'm not asking whether I should quit or not, but some feedback would be so helpful. Maybe I'm not dealing with things in the right way, and it's me with the problem?

[shirgall]

Hrm, shouldn't a therapist be more concerned with helping you understand yourself and helping you get enough information to make good decisions rather than pressing you to "take more responsibility"?

 

While therapists have an incentive to continue earning more business, I suspect that the therapist believes there is more about yourself that you need to discover.

 

Most people are averse to therapy because of what they will learn about themselves. I have my own issues there, but it doesn't hurt to try a few different ways to gain self-knowledge and see what works well. The trick is to do any of them long enough to get to something really valuable.

[villagewisdom]

Please consider that taking more responsibility might also mean that you have always had the opportunity for self reflection and it is not now, nor has it even been, restricted to certain times of the week. If I understand therapy correctly, the sessions with your therapist are not where the real work takes place. 

 

In general, the tone of your post here sometimes is one of wanting to place responsibility on the therapist for your success or failure. After many years of working on myself, it is still a major hindrance for me at times when I find my thoughts hovering around wanting someone else to make choices for me. Sometimes I want someone else to give me all the answers. I want someone else to tell me who I am so I can be that. I want someone else to make it right for me. I always find later that it is a futile quest. 

 

The question is not whether the therapist is up to the task. The question is whether you are up to the task. It is now and forever will be your choice. 

 

The fear of vulnerability is worth exploring with your therapist IMO. 

[RealP]

I feel worried about being vulnerable with this therapist. He just doesn't feel right in some ways and hasn't from the start. I'm sure he could be worse but he just doesn't feel right for me...

 

I think you have your answer right there. I'm doing therapy over Skype with someone I can be completely honest and vulnerable with, and there is nothing like it. I was in a similar situation, feeling guilty about leaving a therapist that had helped me, but who had many limitations. Trust me on this, don't waste your time, get a GOOD therapist.

 

Maybe a coach is what you're looking for, someone to help you with your job, your career, etc.

[Bedouin]

Thanks all for the very prompt answers

 

Hrm, shouldn't a therapist be more concerned with helping you understand yourself and helping you get enough information to make good decisions rather than pressing you to "take more responsibility"?

Well, to be fair maybe I was being too brief - this has been my mission since not long after I started therapy and by directing me on that path he is only providing the service I originally asked for.

 

While therapists have an incentive to continue earning more business, I suspect that the therapist believes there is more about yourself that you need to discover.

 

Most people are averse to therapy because of what they will learn about themselves. I have my own issues there, but it doesn't hurt to try a few different ways to gain self-knowledge and see what works well. The trick is to do any of them long enough to get to something really valuable.

This is also my more intellectualised response to the experience of therapy. He seems to have a handle on things and have good intentions but I can't shake this feeling that keeps revisiting me which says 'there's another way, this guy isn't right etc.'

 

 

Please consider that taking more responsibility might also mean that you have always had the opportunity for self reflection and it is not now, nor has it even been, restricted to certain times of the week. If I understand therapy correctly, the sessions with your therapist are not where the real work takes place. 

 

In general, the tone of your post here sometimes is one of wanting to place responsibility on the therapist for your success or failure. After many years of working on myself, it is still a major hindrance for me at times when I find my thoughts hovering around wanting someone else to make choices for me. Sometimes I want someone else to give me all the answers. I want someone else to tell me who I am so I can be that. I want someone else to make it right for me. I always find later that it is a futile quest. 

 

The question is not whether the therapist is up to the task. The question is whether you are up to the task. It is now and forever will be your choice. 

 

The fear of vulnerability is worth exploring with your therapist IMO.

I agree and understand what you're saying. I definitely need to start taking more responsibility by journalling more consistently etc., and doing more of the work myself. By blaming scheduling I am just avoiding the perfectly possible opportunity to just start journalling every day.

 

Thanks for pointing out the tone of the post btw, this kind of insight is exactly what I've always been looking for - honest candid evaluation of myself, which even my therapist is not really providing in a way I trust / like (not sure which it is.)

 

I think you have your answer right there. I'm doing therapy over Skype with someone I can be completely honest and vulnerable with, and there is nothing like it. I was in a similar situation, feeling guilty about leaving a therapist that had helped me, but who had many limitations. Trust me on this, don't waste your time, get a GOOD therapist.

 

Maybe a coach is what you're looking for, someone to help you with your job, your career, etc.

That's great, I am glad for you. I hope to be in the same position some day. This really resonates. It is sort of what my gut is telling me to do and has been for a long time, but something I keep intellectualising my way out of or getting too afraid to do: just get outta the situation, have strength and find another therapist, or try self therapy for a time. It will save lots of time and money, for sure. I'm curious, could you tell me a bit more about your situation with your previous therapist? On a scale of 1-10, let's say, how helpful were they being and on a similar scale - if there were any trust issues in them or the entire institution of therapy - how did you feel about their credibility?

 

I'm interested at the sound of that and I'll definitely give it a look in. Not sure I need help just with career; though that would help, I need more.

 

Thanks a huge bunch for all the responses again ^^

[RealP]

I'm curious, could you tell me a bit more about your situation with your previous therapist? On a scale of 1-10, let's say, how helpful were they being and on a similar scale - if there were any trust issues in them or the entire institution of therapy - how did you feel about their credibility?

I found the courage to quit my former therapist after I had had a few talks and a formal interview with my current therapist. He was so much better that I remember thinking to myself that I couldn't waste more time and money in something I know will not work. Was I nervous when I told him? Yes, but I figured that having a one-hour conversation was not going to kill me, that I had the strength to survive it.

 

On a scale of 1-10, I would say that at the beginning he was a 9 because I had a lot going on and I didn't have anyone to talk to, but after much reading and listening people talk about self-knowledge, I realized that I was ahead of him in many respects. And it's not that I'm super smart, I just felt that he couldn't keep up with what I was feeling and thinking, as if we spoke different languages.

 

I don't have a formed opinion about the entire institution of therapy, what I can tell you is that having an enlightened witness is fundamental. 

 

Hope this helps, and if you want to know more about my therapist, just send me a PM.

[bootoo]

some therapists are useless, i know a guy been in therapy for decades and is still mad at momma

[Bedouin]

I found the courage to quit my former therapist after I had had a few talks and a formal interview with my current therapist. He was so much better that I remember thinking to myself that I couldn't waste more time and money in something I know will not work. Was I nervous when I told him? Yes, but I figured that having a one-hour conversation was not going to kill me, that I had the strength to survive it.

 

On a scale of 1-10, I would say that at the beginning he was a 9 because I had a lot going on and I didn't have anyone to talk to, but after much reading and listening people talk about self-knowledge, I realized that I was ahead of him in many respects. And it's not that I'm super smart, I just felt that he couldn't keep up with what I was feeling and thinking, as if we spoke different languages.

 

I don't have a formed opinion about the entire institution of therapy, what I can tell you is that having an enlightened witness is fundamental. 

 

Hope this helps, and if you want to know more about my therapist, just send me a PM.

Yeah, the discomfort is inevitable I guess. I've bought it up before but he's talked me down from leaving basically. I guess I will have to be clearer.

 

I can relate to that a lot; the disconnect seems to have broadened.

Thanks again, it has helped lots, yeah I may do that

 

 

@bootoo yep, that's as clear a sign as you're gonna get. Someone I know has been in therapy for 6 years and literally advanced nowhere, it's pretty sad.

[cynicist]

As the title paraphrases, I am in a very taxing internal feud of on the one hand thinking

1 - My therapist is right and safe. It is just my emotional defences that keep telling me otherwise. Maybe he is blunt but this doesn't make him incorrect. In his professional opinion, I need therapy and quitting at this point would be a bad choice.

 

He's probably right about that, but it doesn't mean you should be in therapy with him.

 

He says I need therapy and that I may remain in some unhappy state of deadness for years to come if I don't continue. I highly doubt this though.

 

You are paraphrasing right? He didn't actually say that if you stopped therapy with him you would remain unhappy and emotionally dead for years... because that is manipulative and horrible, even if he believes it to be true. Sorry but the excuse of 'bluntness' doesn't work here, and to be honest that strikes me as rather neurotic behavior on his part. (and possibly unscrupulous as you mention) Exercising some sensitivity, especially when it comes to emotional/mental matters, is paramount in therapy. I mean damn... even doctors delivering news about cancer are cautious, and they don't need to worry about things like provoking emotional instability and suicidality. 

 

There was a particular friction at the start which always made me want to quit, which was that - and this made me embarrassed and does now - when I asked him how he was on entering his clinic for the first few weeks, which was sort of a reflex of mine, he wouldn't answer. And it made me feel very uncomfortable. But it also made me feel embarrassed, and angry at him. Maybe this was a bad first impression that could have led to my mistrust? I don't know.

 

I don't understand this part. What do you mean by 'how he was on entering his clinic for the first few weeks'?

 

He just doesn't feel right in some ways and hasn't from the start. I'm sure he could be worse but he just doesn't feel right for me...

 

Trust your judgment. I know you are suspicious of yourself, but your feelings are there to help you. If you have been with him for a year and still think that you have emotional defenses that prevent you from going further, then either way you are done. It could certainly be that you are avoiding something necessary, but if you don't trust your therapist enough to be vulnerable (*after a year) then you aren't going to accomplish anything by seeing him anyway. You may have some idea of 'breaking through' resistances or whatever; That is nonsense. If you apply more force to try to make yourself do something that you are uncomfortable with, then those resistances will harden and you will trust yourself less. The opposite approach is the only one that has any chance of succeeding, and both trust and vulnerability are vital components of it.

[Bedouin]

You are paraphrasing right? He didn't actually say that if you stopped therapy with him you would remain unhappy and emotionally dead for years... because that is manipulative and horrible, even if he believes it to be true. Sorry but the excuse of 'bluntness' doesn't work here, and to be honest that strikes me as rather neurotic behavior on his part. (and possibly unscrupulous as you mention) Exercising some sensitivity, especially when it comes to emotional/mental matters, is paramount in therapy. I mean damn... even doctors delivering news about cancer are cautious, and they don't need to worry about things like provoking emotional instability and suicidality.

He pretty much did. Unless I am remembering it wrongly, he has basically said twice or three times that he feels that if I end therapy I will simply 'drift', dead in the water, for years. Prior to therapy, and to an extent still now, I have been doing something a little like that in the wake of my father committing suicide. But since discovering FDR and self knowledge and beginning this journey I have been on the rise. He doesn't seem to think I can handle life, much as was the case last year, but I have come a long way and gained lots of wisdom. I feel let down/disappointed by his negative judgement, and perhaps that is another factor playing into my wanting to end the therapy... And feeling that we are not on the same 'wavelength'.

 

I don't understand this part. What do you mean by 'how he was on entering his clinic for the first few weeks'?

Whoops! I can see how you would be confused.

What I meant is that when I asked him 'how are you' or something close to that he'd simply not respond, or say "I'm not going to answer that" (something along those lines)

I remember a particular instance where I asked him, maintaining eye contact, and didn't get an answer. Just a blank-faced stare, with a hint of polite smile. And I remember a vivid feeling of embarrassment.

 

Trust your judgment. I know you are suspicious of yourself, but your feelings are there to help you. If you have been with him for a year and still think that you have emotional defenses that prevent you from going further, then either way you are done. It could certainly be that you are avoiding something necessary, but if you don't trust your therapist enough to be vulnerable (*after a year) then you aren't going to accomplish anything by seeing him anyway. You may have some idea of 'breaking through' resistances or whatever; That is nonsense. If you apply more force to try to make yourself do something that you are uncomfortable with, then those resistances will harden and you will trust yourself less. The opposite approach is the only one that has any chance of succeeding, and both trust and vulnerability are vital components of it.

You make a very good point. That it's been a year and there are still these barriers, especially around openness, has to mean that it is not going to work... And while I am suspicious of myself, I also recognise that there must be some validity in what my emotions are telling me. You've articulated a point I didn't mention; I have felt as if I might be able to make a breakthrough. But if you are right and it really does work like one of those chinese finger traps where the more you struggle the tighter it becomes, which I don't doubt, then there is no point wasting any more time.

 

Thanks for your answer, it was very helpful.

I'm sorry if my reply seems a bit scattered, I am having fog-brain.

 

I have therapy tomorrow so I will probably bring this up tomorrow with him in hopes of negotiating a final session. Then hopefully, if I'm in the right frame of mind, I'll post back here with an update.