Feeling Overwhelmed

[Alice Amell]

Hi everyone. I came to post because I'm not sure where else to go and I thought it might help.

 

I feel very overwhelmed at the moment and for the past few weeks. The feeling has only gotten worse. I don't know how to describe it all because I've been feeling so much. I feel this like...crippling feeling in my stomach. I don't know if it's anxiety or depression but I've just been in a negative mood so often, and as a result been inclined to isolate myself even from some friends. The overwhelming feeling is like a culmination of all my problems. I think I have so much wrong with me, and I think I should be somewhere better in my life by now. But I'm nowhere. And I'm going in the wrong direction. I've been unable to change any of my bad habits...they've only gotten much worse recently, and a few old ones returned. I feel like a failure or inadequate or like there's some impossible gap between me and who I fantasize about being. And I don't have the wings to get there; perhaps I'll never get there at all. It seems so distant.

 

Things I worry over: unable to be honest with people in real life (and therefore loneliness), jealousy, gender-identification, whether I can get better

Bad habits: procrastination, bad sleep schedule, approval/attention seeking, emotional dumping, self-harm

 

Part of me wants to go into more detail about everything but I think I'm already making this post in order to just dump my emotions and/or seek attention.. I'll just leave it as is

 

Has anyone been in or is in a similar situation? Dealt with / are dealing with problems and want to share them? Have any thoughts about it?

 

I welcome and appreciate any response

[Anuojat]

Hi everyone. I came to post because I'm not sure where else to go and I thought it might help.

 

I feel very overwhelmed at the moment and for the past few weeks. The feeling has only gotten worse. I don't know how to describe it all because I've been feeling so much. I feel this like...crippling feeling in my stomach. I don't know if it's anxiety or depression but I've just been in a negative mood so often, and as a result been inclined to isolate myself even from some friends. The overwhelming feeling is like a culmination of all my problems. I think I have so much wrong with me, and I think I should be somewhere better in my life by now. But I'm nowhere. And I'm going in the wrong direction. I've been unable to change any of my bad habits...they've only gotten much worse recently, and a few old ones returned. I feel like a failure or inadequate or like there's some impossible gap between me and who I fantasize about being. And I don't have the wings to get there; perhaps I'll never get there at all. It seems so distant.

 

Things I worry over: unable to be honest with people in real life (and therefore loneliness), jealousy, gender-identification, whether I can get better

Bad habits: procrastination, bad sleep schedule, approval/attention seeking, emotional dumping, self-harm

 

Part of me wants to go into more detail about everything but I think I'm already making this post in order to just dump my emotions and/or seek attention.. I'll just leave it as is

 

Has anyone been in or is in a similar situation? Dealt with / are dealing with problems and want to share them? Have any thoughts about it?

 

I welcome and appreciate any response

 

Exactly the same issues over here!

 

Ive suffered and still siffer from procrastination and i symphatice with you on this. What ive found to be useful is to talk people with calls (skype or anything esle that has barebones vocie chat) about your feelings. Also if you want look up these:

 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/484220

 

And check the procrastination search on podcasts too but id imagine youve done that already perhaps?

 

Reason i recommend having lots of voice calls with fellow FDR member is because then youll have your feelings searched AND tended to and you can explore "honesty, loneliness, jelousy and gender" ect. And feeling behind them. Hearing someone elsese voice while poking at your inner critics and inner voices when it comes to dealing with these issues, has for me atleast, been huge relief. It comes simply to knowing yourself trough not only processing the past, processing feelings that arise to nag or deny or block or distract you when youre tryng to improve in the areas you mentioned.

 

Processing emotions with other people and knowing that YOU matter in this instance as individual because your emotions are being tended to.

[Spenc]

Part of me wants to go into more detail about everything but I think I'm already making this post in order to just dump my emotions and/or seek attention.. I'll just leave it as is

 

So dumping is a bad habit you would prefer to resolve and abandon.....And you recongize a situation where you may be dumping your emotions.  This is the perfect opportunity for you to start breaking the habit!  Don't just leave it as is!  Go into more detail, and give your post greater substance, so that you can achieve some success against your bad habit!

 

Does that make sense to you?  Please tell us more about yourself and your situation!

[Kevin Beal]

Hiya Alice. I'm really sorry. I think I know how that feels

 

I wonder if it really is emotional dumping if you are aware of it and taking into consideration the feelings of other people. I don't think so.

 

I don't know the specifics, but here are some more general thoughts I have about this issue. It's something I've been thinking a lot about and have had some success in working with. Without knowing specifics, though, it could be too abstract and unhelpful, or I've misunderstood. Hopefully it's at least of some utility.

 

 

Self Talk

 

I think that word choice is important. You've used defeated language, which totally makes sense when you feel overwhelmed, but in a literal sense is actually untrue. You used words like "unable" and "impossible" and that you "don't have the wings to get there". The reason I think it's important is because that can become like a self fulfilling prophecy. You condition your own judgments about yourself in a neurolinguistic programming sense, and the reason we behave as we do is as a result of the beliefs that we hold. To some degree it is a matter of appropriate self talk, changing phrases like "I can't do this" to "I don't know yet how to do this". This is not sufficient, clearly, and if it were as simple as changing the way you talk to yourself, then that would be pretty insulting, but I think it's an important part of it (for what that's worth).

 

If you have good people in your life to talk to and can trust, it will be more easy to see the negative ways that you talk about yourself that could be damaging. If we were friends, you and I, and you told me you were unable to change your bad habits or to be honest, I would be alarmed and feel it important to explore that. And I'm betting it would not be something you'd say casually in relationship with me. If that makes sense.

 

 

Emotional Vocabulary

 

I think another thing that is really important is to really have a strong sense of the difference between depression and sorrow. Depression in a clinical sense is actually a lack of emotional connection. Alice Miller, in the Drama of the Gifted Child talks about this a lot. Depression in her view is an emotional defense against feeling the traumatic pain of our old wounds. But we can't just turn off the hurt alone; all emotions get dulled.

 

I've actually felt myself becoming depressed in the moment and traced it back to the moment before and reconnected with the pain, and that depressive lack of feeling was immediately alleviated. And more than that, I felt a sense of mastery taking a principle I was learning about and applied it, giving me a self esteem boost.

 

The actual event was of reading a paragraph in Drama of the Gifted Child where she talks about the desire people have who were neglected as children of wanting to be loved and cared for the way they never were as children. I noticed that I was feeling depressed all of a sudden and remembered that she said depression is an emotional defense, so I tried to think what I could be repressing when it suddenly hit me how alone I felt as a child moving schools, and how I was so overwhelmed that I would cry in the bathroom stalls before class started, and how I desperately wanted my parents to show the slightest concern about how it might make me feel leaving all my friends

 

 

Strong Sense of Self

 

Alice Miller uses the term "sense of self" to describe a relationship that we have with our thoughts and feelings. Having a strong sense of self would be knowing how you are feeling, and if you suddenly become depressed, that will be easier to notice. If you are so used to feeling depressed, then it's like the fish who doesn't know what water is. Developing a strong sense of self is therefore also important to be able to more easily make these distinctions.

 

Three ways that I've found helped me grow my sense of self are:

1. I grew my emotional vocabulary and worked at accurately describing what emotional experience I was having. (e.x. depression is not sorrow is not remorse is not hurt).
2. Getting more in my body, in the present moment. I have a habit of being a floating brain dragging my body around, cut off from feeling and my senses and thinking always in abstraction.
3. Having connected conversation with other people who I can let my guard down around, who help me see myself by either being a mirror, or by being interested enough that I become more interested in what I think and feel. If the people you talk to are not interested in you for you, then we have to erase ourselves in order to hang around them. 

 

Therapy

 

I would have been hopeless without therapy. Having someone to trust and give me genuine feedback about myself and want to know the real me was invaluable. If you don't know what it's like (that was me) then you don't know what's so painfully absent from your present relationships. And if you don't know what you should expect and work toward in relationships (me again) then how can you find that?

 

Most therapists sound like they are crap, but if you find a good one, they can help you change your life dramatically.

 

 

Emotional Vocabulary Resources

 

[Alice Amell]

Thank you for the responses everyone. <3

Exactly the same issues over here!

 

Ive suffered and still siffer from procrastination and i symphatice with you on this. What ive found to be useful is to talk people with calls (skype or anything esle that has barebones vocie chat) about your feelings. Also if you want look up these:

 

And check the procrastination search on podcasts too but id imagine youve done that already perhaps?

 

Reason i recommend having lots of voice calls with fellow FDR member is because then youll have your feelings searched AND tended to and you can explore "honesty, loneliness, jelousy and gender" ect. And feeling behind them. Hearing someone elsese voice while poking at your inner critics and inner voices when it comes to dealing with these issues, has for me atleast, been huge relief. It comes simply to knowing yourself trough not only processing the past, processing feelings that arise to nag or deny or block or distract you when youre tryng to improve in the areas you mentioned.

 

Processing emotions with other people and knowing that YOU matter in this instance as individual because your emotions are being tended to.

Thank you. I have seen the procrastination video a few times and I think it is true. Last semester I didn't like my math teacher and the early morning class. I also felt I had little need for knowing calculus (psychology major) and at the time I didn't value grades very much so I consciously decided to just accept a B rather than worry myself over trying to get an A. The problem now is I'm consciously deciding not to go to class at all...I don't know if I'm giving in to some urge to be lazy but I just think "I don't need to go..it'll be fine." Maybe I should re-evaluate my values. I do want to do well, but judging by my actions apparently not enough to do any work (a continuous problem of mine). I will also try to read the book you sent me so thank you. Someone offered to skype with me so I will also try that. 

 

I hope you the best too in dealing with your procrastination. You are very welcome in going into more detail about it or talking to me about it if you want.

 

So dumping is a bad habit you would prefer to resolve and abandon.....And you recongize a situation where you may be dumping your emotions.  This is the perfect opportunity for you to start breaking the habit!  Don't just leave it as is!  Go into more detail, and give your post greater substance, so that you can achieve some success against your bad habit!

 

Does that make sense to you?  Please tell us more about yourself and your situation!

Thanks for wanting to know more. Though don't really understand, sorry. If I should avoid dumping emotions then to fix it I should dump my emotions here? Or does it not count as dumping emotions (or having an empathy hostage, is maybe a better term) if I post here? I have a really close friend who I've known for years (though purely online) and I'll always dump my emotions on him. I'm usually the one in the relationship sharing thoughts and feelings, not him. Listening to Stef's video made me realize I was doing it. I talked to my friend about it and he doesn't think I am being parasitical. Despite his reassurance I'm unsure. I told him I want to try to be more respectful of his feelings and I want to listen to him too (he doesn't open up that much). Since the realization, I've been more hesitant to tell him all my feelings and I think I may have come here instead. Or I may have come because it has gotten worse lately and I don't know where else to go.

 

I could go into more detail about all the things I mentioned but I'm not sure if I'd just be seeking empathy/attention from others so I feel better or if it's appropriate. I'm willing to share everything, part of me wants to (and I do share more in these responses), but I'm not sure if it is the problem or the solution. Maybe journaling could serve as a place to vent without being selfish toward others?

 

Hiya Alice. I'm really sorry. I think I know how that feels

 

I wonder if it really is emotional dumping if you are aware of it and taking into consideration the feelings of other people. I don't think so.

 

I don't know the specifics, but here are some more general thoughts I have about this issue. It's something I've been thinking a lot about and have had some success in working with. Without knowing specifics, though, it could be too abstract and unhelpful, or I've misunderstood. Hopefully it's at least of some utility.

 

 

Self Talk

 

I think that word choice is important. You've used defeated language, which totally makes sense when you feel overwhelmed, but in a literal sense is actually untrue. You used words like "unable" and "impossible" and that you "don't have the wings to get there". The reason I think it's important is because that can become like a self fulfilling prophecy. You condition your own judgments about yourself in a neurolinguistic programming sense, and the reason we behave as we do is as a result of the beliefs that we hold. To some degree it is a matter of appropriate self talk, changing phrases like "I can't do this" to "I don't know yet how to do this". This is not sufficient, clearly, and if it were as simple as changing the way you talk to yourself, then that would be pretty insulting, but I think it's an important part of it (for what that's worth).

 

If you have good people in your life to talk to and can trust, it will be more easy to see the negative ways that you talk about yourself that could be damaging. If we were friends, you and I, and you told me you were unable to change your bad habits or to be honest, I would be alarmed and feel it important to explore that. And I'm betting it would not be something you'd say casually in relationship with me. If that makes sense.

 

 

Emotional Vocabulary

 

I think another thing that is really important is to really have a strong sense of the difference between depression and sorrow. Depression in a clinical sense is actually a lack of emotional connection. Alice Miller, in the Drama of the Gifted Child talks about this a lot. Depression in her view is an emotional defense against feeling the traumatic pain of our old wounds. But we can't just turn off the hurt alone; all emotions get dulled.

 

I've actually felt myself becoming depressed in the moment and traced it back to the moment before and reconnected with the pain, and that depressive lack of feeling was immediately alleviated. And more than that, I felt a sense of mastery taking a principle I was learning about and applied it, giving me a self esteem boost.

 

The actual event was of reading a paragraph in Drama of the Gifted Child where she talks about the desire people have who were neglected as children of wanting to be loved and cared for the way they never were as children. I noticed that I was feeling depressed all of a sudden and remembered that she said depression is an emotional defense, so I tried to think what I could be repressing when it suddenly hit me how alone I felt as a child moving schools, and how I was so overwhelmed that I would cry in the bathroom stalls before class started, and how I desperately wanted my parents to show the slightest concern about how it might make me feel leaving all my friends

 

 

Strong Sense of Self

 

Alice Miller uses the term "sense of self" to describe a relationship that we have with our thoughts and feelings. Having a strong sense of self would be knowing how you are feeling, and if you suddenly become depressed, that will be easier to notice. If you are so used to feeling depressed, then it's like the fish who doesn't know what water is. Developing a strong sense of self is therefore also important to be able to more easily make these distinctions.

 

Three ways that I've found helped me grow my sense of self are:

1. I grew my emotional vocabulary and worked at accurately describing what emotional experience I was having. (e.x. depression is not sorrow is not remorse is not hurt).
2. Getting more in my body, in the present moment. I have a habit of being a floating brain dragging my body around, cut off from feeling and my senses and thinking always in abstraction.
3. Having connected conversation with other people who I can let my guard down around, who help me see myself by either being a mirror, or by being interested enough that I become more interested in what I think and feel. If the people you talk to are not interested in you for you, then we have to erase ourselves in order to hang around them. 

 

Therapy

 

I would have been hopeless without therapy. Having someone to trust and give me genuine feedback about myself and want to know the real me was invaluable. If you don't know what it's like (that was me) then you don't know what's so painfully absent from your present relationships. And if you don't know what you should expect and work toward in relationships (me again) then how can you find that?

 

Most therapists sound like they are crap, but if you find a good one, they can help you change your life dramatically.

 

 

Thanks for the information. I looked back at my post and initially I thought I only used it when describing feelings and that would be somewhat more justifiable, but I didn't. I did say "I'm nowhere" and "I've been unable.." I agree that language is important and have thought about it in other contexts before. I would change "I can't eat healthy," to "I don't want to eat healthy." It is somewhat scary, putting responsibility on myself by phrasing it like that, but also important I think. You are correct. Rationally I know I can be better but emotionally I sometimes feel so bad that I start thinking I can't, and language does reflect that. And using language could change how I think about it, too.

 

I never really thought of depression as a lack of emotion. That's definitely not me since I've been feeling an overload of emotion. Maybe I'm breaking my depression and the emotions are coming back? A few people have told me I sound depressed in the past. I don't know if that's just my shitty voice or if it's worth mention. I am in therapy at the moment ("free" with college) and I've been getting progressively more emotional and this week I actually cried and had trouble speaking. She said it was good that I'm beginning to express emotions in front of her. I otherwise, to most people and especially irl, don't show much emotion. I especially don't want to show negative emotion to others. I try to hide it, but I do secretly like being emotional..I like watching lord of the rings and crying at the sad parts and stuff. If other people are around I don't feel comfortable crying though.

 

I'm sorry you felt neglected as a child. I think I can somewhat relate. A few weeks ago I couldn't control my mask and started crying on the way to class. I hid in the stall until I could control it. That was the first time it happened, though. It must've been awful for you  . I don't know if you've already gone into detail elsewhere or with others but I'd like to hear more about it if you want to talk about it.

 

I've felt like a floating brain in the past, though not recently I don't think. I spend a lot of time online so I can sometimes be in a way disconnected from my body because my mind is like in another world. Though I can get very emotional as well. I don't know if that's relevant, just interesting to me.

 

As for therapy.. I get 50 free sessions from my college. I started sometime last year so I might run out in a few months. I also don't have much experience with different therapists so I don't know if mine is good. She seems fine to me, I don't have much comparison though. It's another thing that has me slightly worried. My parents could definitely afford a therapist and back in high school they did get me one. I'd wager they'd do the same now, when my free sessions run out. But I don't want to ask them. I don't tell them anything about my emotions. They don't know much about who I am. They think everything's okay, and our interactions seem positive, but usually superficial. I suppose I'll have to tell them eventually...but I don't feel comfortable having that conversation. And the weird thing is I'm certain they'd support me and show me affection. And yet I don't want to tell them.

 

Sorry for a pretty scattered response. My thoughts are all over the place

[Spenc]

 

Thanks for wanting to know more. Though don't really understand, sorry. If I should avoid dumping emotions then to fix it I should dump my emotions here? Or does it not count as dumping emotions (or having an empathy hostage, is maybe a better term) if I post here? I have a really close friend who I've known for years (though purely online) and I'll always dump my emotions on him. I'm usually the one in the relationship sharing thoughts and feelings, not him. Listening to Stef's video made me realize I was doing it. I talked to my friend about it and he doesn't think I am being parasitical. Despite his reassurance I'm unsure. I told him I want to try to be more respectful of his feelings and I want to listen to him too (he doesn't open up that much). Since the realization, I've been more hesitant to tell him all my feelings and I think I may have come here instead. Or I may have come because it has gotten worse lately and I don't know where else to go.

 

I could go into more detail about all the things I mentioned but I'm not sure if I'd just be seeking empathy/attention from others so I feel better or if it's appropriate. I'm willing to share everything, part of me wants to (and I do share more in these responses), but I'm not sure if it is the problem or the solution. Maybe journaling could serve as a place to vent without being selfish toward others?

 

My thinking is that there is a difference between dumping and resolving.  Dumping is more like just telling your problems to anyone who will listen in the hopes of gaining sympathy or reassurance or whatever.  Resolving is when you take the second step after announcing your problems and you actually try to understand them and find resolutions to overcome them.  So when you cut yourself off from being more detailed and really opening up to the other person, you're dumping your problems on them, you're denying them the connection of your deeper feelings, and you're not giving yourself or them a chance to resolve the problems, thus the cycle is bound to repeat.

 

This is just my theory.  Also, I think you're not really being fair to the people around you if you assume they are "stuck" listening to your problems when you dump on them.  If we have a conversation attempting to find some resolution, and you just neglect the resolving and stic to the dumping, can't I just wish you well and leave?  Would some of your worries center around the concept you have of yourself of being uninteresting to others, or that you would be inconvenient to others if you asked them for help in solving problems?  I know that I have had these issues historically, and it would lead to me dumping on my closest friends, but not trusting them enough to actually trake part in resolution.  and I think that is a vicious cycle that wears the relationship down.

 

Any thoughts on this?

[Kevin Beal]

I think I see now. Now I don't think it is depression that you're talking about either. Although, I think that is a risk factor, since it would mean relief from the overwhelming amount of emotion.

 

I'd be happy to talk more about the lack of emotional support I received as a child, but I'm not sure what else to say about it right now. Was there anything in particular you wanted to know? (Thank you for the compassion).

 

I don't know that I would be of any help without knowing the specifics of what's been happening in your life recently.

 

If it's what I think it is, the last time this same thing happened to me was a year and a half ago. I just felt raw all the time, like an exposed nerve and every emotion I experienced was amplified (or not dulled). This was at a time in therapy when I had reached a new level of trust with my therapist and I started talking about things which were less abstract or ancient, and started talking more about my insecurities in the present. I remember my therapist told me that my tolerance of the discomfort in these experiences would grow and it wouldn't be so overwhelming. I'm not sure exactly why this was the result, but I do know that everything started feeling more real and I was no longer comfortable in my passivity.

 

The time before that was when I decided to take a break from my FOO. Similarly, I was feeling compelled to act and not be passive. I felt raw and everything seemed real all of a sudden (and I got into therapy as quickly as I could).

 

Stef has mentioned before that he's noticed that a lot of people start living a philosophical life and then they reach some kind of success, like they get the job they always wanted, or finally have a good love relationship, or something like that, and say to themselves "this is a satiating point where I can stop trying to grow" only to find the satisfaction fleeting. Like a person who's dieting thinking that because they've reached their weight goal that they can go back to their old eating habits, living a principled life is a complete change in lifestyle, is lifelong.

 

If the feelings are telling you to take some kind of principled action, then that sounds like really great stuff to bring up in therapy

 

Just my thoughts. I hope they are helpful.

[Alice Amell]

My thinking is that there is a difference between dumping and resolving.  Dumping is more like just telling your problems to anyone who will listen in the hopes of gaining sympathy or reassurance or whatever.  Resolving is when you take the second step after announcing your problems and you actually try to understand them and find resolutions to overcome them.  So when you cut yourself off from being more detailed and really opening up to the other person, you're dumping your problems on them, you're denying them the connection of your deeper feelings, and you're not giving yourself or them a chance to resolve the problems, thus the cycle is bound to repeat.

 

This is just my theory.  Also, I think you're not really being fair to the people around you if you assume they are "stuck" listening to your problems when you dump on them.  If we have a conversation attempting to find some resolution, and you just neglect the resolving and stic to the dumping, can't I just wish you well and leave?  Would some of your worries center around the concept you have of yourself of being uninteresting to others, or that you would be inconvenient to others if you asked them for help in solving problems?  I know that I have had these issues historically, and it would lead to me dumping on my closest friends, but not trusting them enough to actually trake part in resolution.  and I think that is a vicious cycle that wears the relationship down.

 

Any thoughts on this?

I think you are right. I do want to resolve them and I should share that with others. Another thing is I'm not sure where to start since there's so much I think I need to work on. I guess I must start somewhere though.

 

I've always struggled with maintaining a good sleep schedule and procrastinating even in high school, but now it is the worse it has been. I haven't gone to class in a week and stayed up till like 5 am three nights as well as did an all-nighter once the past week. Part of it is that I stay up and then sleep through class but if I prioritized wanting to go to class I should make the decision to sleep on time..but I often think I can just skip class because it's always worked out in the past. I've always with few exception gotten As and Bs. My work ethic is pretty terrible..I'm not one to do hard work and I feel like I just do the bare minimum. I'd always procrastinate until the last minute but then I'd be afraid of the consequences of not doing it at all, so I'd always do it last minute. Recently, however, I've just neglected to do it at all and without much grief about it. Maybe I'm overwhelmed with other things so it just is bumped down on the priority list..

Even as I type this is it 4:00 am

 

I hear Stef say things like how he had jobs at age 11 and so on and worked at gaining skills and being more employable. I feel like that is a standard I've completely failed. Everyone tells me I should have a job but I have never had one and I just feel like I can barely take care of myself. I'm not responsible and not good at deferring gratification. I always opt to play games or watch stuff rather than do productive things like homework or writing or looking for work or something. I put things off to the last minute. My school and my parents are telling me I should be like getting jobs and internships and applying to places and it is just another area I think I've failed at. I feel like I should already be there and be able to do all these things but at the moment I'm just...not.

 

Typing these out made me think they aren't so bad. I had a relatively relaxing weekend compared to the previous weeks and I wrote my initial post while really emotional. At the moment I don't really feel anything. I suppose the solution is just to go do the things I think I should but if it was that simple I guess I'd have done it already.

 

Last weekend though was an entirely different experience. I remember playing a game online with friends and I was just in a sour mood...one of my "friends" (who I used to consider friend but since have been at odds with) was being really nice to his stupid-acting girlfriend. She was whining about not seeing where the quest is on her map and he was like "it's alright." and he was really kind to her and for some reason that made me even more upset and I just left because I didn't want to listen to them anymore. I'm not sure why that made me so upset. I think I was jealous of her. I wanted his affection, or someone's affection. And hearing her have it made me see that I didn't. I am also jealous of her because she is seen and accepted as a woman while I am not..I am a transwoman. I really hate that term and feel ashamed and embarrassed just having to say it. IRL though, no one knows except my therapist. Not even my parents. I don't feel okay telling them, for whatever reason...maybe I have trust issues or something. Or maybe I'm embarrassed and need to accept myself.

 

Sorry that it was all over the place but I wanted to touch on a lot. I hope it sheds some more light on a few things, though I'm sure I could keep going. If I find some closure I'll be sure to post again as to not deny any resolution to anyone

[Alice Amell]

I think I see now. Now I don't think it is depression that you're talking about either. Although, I think that is a risk factor, since it would mean relief from the overwhelming amount of emotion.

 

I'd be happy to talk more about the lack of emotional support I received as a child, but I'm not sure what else to say about it right now. Was there anything in particular you wanted to know? (Thank you for the compassion).

 

I don't know that I would be of any help without knowing the specifics of what's been happening in your life recently.

 

If it's what I think it is, the last time this same thing happened to me was a year and a half ago. I just felt raw all the time, like an exposed nerve and every emotion I experienced was amplified (or not dulled). This was at a time in therapy when I had reached a new level of trust with my therapist and I started talking about things which were less abstract or ancient, and started talking more about my insecurities in the present. I remember my therapist told me that my tolerance of the discomfort in these experiences would grow and it wouldn't be so overwhelming. I'm not sure exactly why this was the result, but I do know that everything started feeling more real and I was no longer comfortable in my passivity.

 

The time before that was when I decided to take a break from my FOO. Similarly, I was feeling compelled to act and not be passive. I felt raw and everything seemed real all of a sudden (and I got into therapy as quickly as I could).

 

Stef has mentioned before that he's noticed that a lot of people start living a philosophical life and then they reach some kind of success, like they get the job they always wanted, or finally have a good love relationship, or something like that, and say to themselves "this is a satiating point where I can stop trying to grow" only to find the satisfaction fleeting. Like a person who's dieting thinking that because they've reached their weight goal that they can go back to their old eating habits, living a principled life is a complete change in lifestyle, is lifelong.

 

If the feelings are telling you to take some kind of principled action, then that sounds like really great stuff to bring up in therapy

 

Just my thoughts. I hope they are helpful.

At the moment I'd describe my emotional state as "neutral." I don't really feel anything and to be honest I don't really like it. I want to feel something. I like feeling emotions, and so I've many times when I want to cry or something I'll look up a sad song or watch a sad movie. I feel like I have a totally different perspective right now than when I first made this thread. I have a hard time remembering exactly how I felt, even though it was only a couple days ago. Over the weekend I've felt very little. I can't really explain it. Consequently I don't know if the feelings were telling me to take a principled action or anything like that. I remember having frequent extreme negative emotions and crying a lot, but currently I feel very little. I'm not really connected with how I felt a couple days ago and even though I felt awful I wish I felt it again because I want to feel something. And I want to remember how it felt. At the moment it does feel dull. Maybe I am just "neutral" and that's a good thing? I've no idea, really.

 

I do remember though, at one point when I was feeling helpless, I considered trying to just suppress my emotions completely so it would go away. I never tried, but sort of ironic that now I want those feelings back. I think maybe I still idealize broken people. I remember in the past I wanted something to be wrong with me. Some diagnosis, really, to formalize my brokenness. I even wanted (and I think still to some degree want) to be locked up in a mental institution. Actually typing that out sounds to me really stupid and ridiculous and I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that. I think I wanted attention out of it. Though I do remember seeing this girl in high school who had scars all the way up both arms and that actually turned me on. I ended up befriending her. I know better now that it's a huge red flag and probably best to steer clear, though at the time I was attracted to her. I think she's probably a bad person to date because of all her problems, and yet I can't help but think that I fit the same criteria. That I'm also a bad person to date, or be around, or whatever. I think part of my attraction was because I had cut myself in the past (though nothing like what she did) and so maybe I thought she'd understand me, or accept me. For closure's sake, she ended up liking me too but said it would be a bad idea if we dated. She was probably right, though I didn't like her decision then.

 

Recently I've picked up that habit again and began cutting myself. I don't entirely know why. I'd guess because I want attention or to cope with emotions. I also have a strange fascination with vampires and blood...I remember once I just wanted to see myself bleed. I think it's more of a minor issue though...it isn't very deep and doesn't leave scars or anything. Just a scratch, enough to see red, mostly. Sorry for the huge tangent..it isn't relevant to your post but I wanted to share it.

 

As for your childhood experience.. well you mentioned you took a break from your FOO. Does that mean you went back to them? Have you talked to them about their neglect? And also, what was your relationship to your parents like? Did they say they loved you often, or talk to you at all? Were they in any way supportive or affectionate? Were they often absent totally?

[Kevin Beal]

So, I feel a bit anxious responding. You've mentioned repeatedly that you are probably seeking attention and I don't know what the right thing to do in that situation is. You mentioned that you are cutting yourself, and it comes off sorta casual, like that wouldn't be a very alarming thing to hear, but to me, it is, even if there aren't scars.

 

God, I'm sorry about the lack of connection, and the helplessness. But I think it's important to note just how that works when you try and suppress things, and that it will just end up coming up in some other way later, perhaps as self abuse.

 

Also, I don't hear much self analysis. Thank you for sharing, but I don't hear you question why certain things are the way they are. You came up with a possible explanation for a few things and just left it at that. But why did you want to be broken? Why did you have overwhelming emotions? Why are you cutting? Why do you idealize broken people?

 

To answer your questions, I am still on that break 4 years in. I've talked to them about the neglect many times, yes. My father was already kicked out of the family for things he'd done in the past, and my mother was criminally neglectful, like not taking me to the hospital when I broke bones kind of neglectful. I got told "I love you" every once in a while, but I hated hearing it because I didn't believe it, because they never expressed an interest in my inner life. They were somewhat affectionate, on occasion, and supportive financially as I was getting old enough to move out, but not supportive emotionally, no. My father was literally absent for years at a time, and my mother was emotionally absent the entire time. I'm actually writing a book about it. Maybe I'll publish it at some point.

[Kevin Beal]

I guess the mods didn't approve of my response...?

[cynicist]

Procrastination happens often when you evaluate your worth as an individual by the quality of the work you perform. When that happens, then any task which can be criticized negatively reflects on your whole character; Every failure becomes an unbearable existential threat rather than a small setback that you overcome by changing your approach. In this environment, it's perfectly natural to not want to do anything, because everything you can do is seen as a gamble on your value as a human being. Why would you want to risk that?

 

At the moment I'd describe my emotional state as "neutral."... Over the weekend I've felt very little. I can't really explain it. Consequently I don't know if the feelings were telling me to take a principled action or anything like that. I remember having frequent extreme negative emotions and crying a lot, but currently I feel very little. I'm not really connected with how I felt a couple days ago and even though I felt awful I wish I felt it again because I want to feel something. And I want to remember how it felt. At the moment it does feel dull. Maybe I am just "neutral" and that's a good thing? I've no idea, really.

 

That's not "neutral", that's numbness, dissociation.

 

Recently I've picked up that habit again and began cutting myself. I don't entirely know why. 

 

Yes you do. In fact you said it in your post: I don't really feel anything and to be honest I don't really like it. I want to feel something.

 

I do remember though, at one point when I was feeling helpless, I considered trying to just suppress my emotions completely so it would go away.

 

That's what you are doing, right now. This is the 'neutrality' that you are describing.

 

 Actually typing that out sounds to me really stupid and ridiculous and I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that.

 

You want your pain to be recognized and acknowledged. There is nothing stupid or ridiculous about that. The only problem I see is that by approaching it this way you are not addressing the underlying reasons and so the formalization, the cutting, and any other outward symptoms will never go away.

 

About the despair/depression and slipping... I think many of us have that from time to time. That's why we need good friends to listen and help, and encourage us. I know that I would be in a bad place if I didn't have people to talk to when I needed it. We just can't do this stuff alone, not in the society that we live in.

[cynicist]

I guess the mods didn't approve of my response...?

 

Yeah I tripped it too, looking forward to my super late response lol. (or lack of)

[Kevin Beal]

Yeah I tripped it too, looking forward to my super late response lol. (or lack of)

To their credit, I was dropping F-bombs like a mother

[Alice Amell]

I hope they get posted 

 

edit: they did 

[TheFreeMarketIsAnarchy]

HI there Alice, just to say I'm really sorry to hear about all these things that you are going through. A lot of what you are describing personally resonates with me so I thought I would chime in. 

 

That's not "neutral", that's numbness, dissociation.

This is a really important point. That state you described as 'neutral' in which you crave feeling the emotion you previously felt is something I experience regularly. It is usually a day or so after I have an intense negative emotional experience. I feel it is like retreating into a safe shell of numbness where you are cut off from the pain you just felt because the thought of feeling that pain again is unbearable. Working on processing the pain when it comes out rather than just spilling it out and then running away is how I am trying to tackle this issue. I have a habit of spilling my emotions and then retreating into that numbness. Does any of this seem plausible to your experience? 

 

If so I also want to say that I also have self-harmed by cutting myself and i'm so sorry you feel the need at all to do that.   Just to try and state my experience with it in case it is helpful, I found that when I was in a position of feeling helpless in the face of the pain i was feeling (no emotional support from parents, friends etc.) then I had the option to either go numb to it as mentioned above or take it out on myself or something in my environment. So it is the lack of any healthy alternatives which can make you do such a drastic thing. 

 

My experience in high-school was filled with many similar experiences as you described in your last post. I remember a part of me really wanted everyone to see my cuts so that they wouldn't be able to overlook the sadness I was feeling anymore - like you said about wanting the diagnosis. You need not feel embarrassed about this as Robert already mentioned. It is a natural response to desire others to notice our pain and suffering especially if our primary care-givers have been overlooking our emotional reality as we grew up. I also am very familiar with the issues of harmful sleep patterns and procrastination which you described and I am trying to battle those things myself. Know that there are always others out there going through similar things.  

 

Also, I don't hear much self analysis. Thank you for sharing, but I don't hear you question why certain things are the way they are. You came up with a possible explanation for a few things and just left it at that. But why did you want to be broken? Why did you have overwhelming emotions? Why are you cutting? Why do you idealize broken people?

This is really important I think. Thanks Robert and Kevin for the great points. A cycle that I was caught up in before I set on the path for self-knowledge (I still am in many ways fighting with it) was to avoid thinking about and taking action against the root causes of my depression/self-harm etc. By not focusing on questions like those above I was shielding myself from the full force of intensity of those feelings, which are only now surfacing as I push on with such questions. However just because questions like that make us feel worse in the short run they are the only path to healing. Because I would simply tell myself that once I reached a 'neutral' (disconnected) state of mind then that is a sign that I had 'gotten it out my system'. This was of course never the case and the emotions and impulses to self-harm would resurface eventually. I would then do the same again, wait for it to be buried and then move on, never actually spending time focusing on why all of these feelings were happening and what I should do about them in terms of healthy solutions.  

 

Know that your feelings have not magically vanished - do not let yourself accept this conclusion. Probe for deeper causes, find people around you who you can confide in and you will learn to access your emotions and push beyond that numb state without cutting yourself or anything like that. Don't get me wrong though, I have not achieved these goals yet myself, I just wanted to share my perspective with you and the direction I am trying to take myself. 

[Alice Amell]

Thank you very much to all those who responded. I want to say that you all make me feel supported and have helped me. I didn't know where else to go and I'm very glad I came here. I really really appreciate it and I wish I could hug you all <3

 

So, I feel a bit anxious responding. You've mentioned repeatedly that you are probably seeking attention and I don't know what the right thing to do in that situation is. You mentioned that you are cutting yourself, and it comes off sorta casual, like that wouldn't be a very alarming thing to hear, but to me, it is, even if there aren't scars.

 

God, I'm sorry about the lack of connection, and the helplessness. But I think it's important to note just how that works when you try and suppress things, and that it will just end up coming up in some other way later, perhaps as self abuse.

 

Also, I don't hear much self analysis. Thank you for sharing, but I don't hear you question why certain things are the way they are. You came up with a possible explanation for a few things and just left it at that. But why did you want to be broken? Why did you have overwhelming emotions? Why are you cutting? Why do you idealize broken people?

 

To answer your questions, I am still on that break 4 years in. I've talked to them about the neglect many times, yes. My father was already kicked out of the family for things he'd done in the past, and my mother was criminally neglectful, like not taking me to the hospital when I broke bones kind of neglectful. I got told "I love you" every once in a while, but I hated hearing it because I didn't believe it, because they never expressed an interest in my inner life. They were somewhat affectionate, on occasion, and supportive financially as I was getting old enough to move out, but not supportive emotionally, no. My father was literally absent for years at a time, and my mother was emotionally absent the entire time. I'm actually writing a book about it. Maybe I'll publish it at some point.

You are right. I mentioned cutting casually and I didn't really see it as that much of a problem because my problems are more emotional. However, from this thread and talking to a couple other people, I think I should take it more seriously. What Robert said, I wanted to feel something and cutting did that for me, I realize is really true. I didn't realize it was connected to my emotions so much even as I feel little. The past couple days I have felt the urge to do it again (not enough to do it though), and both were when I was having negative thoughts. And as you said even if I suppress my emotions it will still happen.. and it makes sense now. Previously I've done it while not actively being emotional.

 

And thank you for the empathy. I appreciate it.

 

I apologize for the lack of self analysis. I will try to do that more. When I think of broken people, I think of someone who is different, unique, and cool, because of their brokenness. Being healthy doesn't have the same appeal. It is more normal and boring. And I've fantasized about having breakdowns or being locked up. Being ill in some way. In that sense, brokenness is a shortcut to attention. It can induce sympathy from others, so I feel loved and wanted and special. I also have an easier access to my own emotions. I in some ways like feeling emotional pain and even though in the moment part of me of course doesn't like it, part of me does. And later when I feel nothing, I wish I had it back. I remember this feeling even back in high school, of wanting to just break down and cry so I'd have that feeling again. Cutting then fits into this because by cutting I become broken in a sense. It makes me feel something, even if it's external. I think it's not that bad, it's even cool in some screwed up way. Someone I talked to said I should try exercise instead because it's also physical and can relieve stress. My therapist also said if I feel really bad, a walk might help me feel better. It's something I'm not experienced with and out of my comfort zone but I should try.

 

I hypothesize this may have started when I was I think a bit neglected once I started middle school and I was spending most of my time online in very toxic environments, being manipulated and such a lot..but there must've been something earlier. Otherwise I wouldn't have stayed around toxic people and I would've told my parents about it. However I've thought a lot about it and very little comes to mind. The only thing is that I would often fight with my sister and my parents never really brought an end to it, only told us to "make up" and apologize and therefore everything is okay again.

 

I'm sorry to hear that about your parents. It's really F'ed up. And to top it off the false affection they gave...I'm very sorry. It sounds awful 

 

I am interested in reading it if you ever want to share your writings. Just let me know

 

 

Procrastination happens often when you evaluate your worth as an individual by the quality of the work you perform. When that happens, then any task which can be criticized negatively reflects on your whole character; Every failure becomes an unbearable existential threat rather than a small setback that you overcome by changing your approach. In this environment, it's perfectly natural to not want to do anything, because everything you can do is seen as a gamble on your value as a human being. Why would you want to risk that?

 

 

That's not "neutral", that's numbness, dissociation.

 

 

Yes you do. In fact you said it in your post: I don't really feel anything and to be honest I don't really like it. I want to feel something.

 

 

That's what you are doing, right now. This is the 'neutrality' that you are describing.

 

 

You want your pain to be recognized and acknowledged. There is nothing stupid or ridiculous about that. The only problem I see is that by approaching it this way you are not addressing the underlying reasons and so the formalization, the cutting, and any other outward symptoms will never go away.

 

About the despair/depression and slipping... I think many of us have that from time to time. That's why we need good friends to listen and help, and encourage us. I know that I would be in a bad place if I didn't have people to talk to when I needed it. We just can't do this stuff alone, not in the society that we live in.

Thanks for joining the thread

 

Your remark on procrastination had me thinking a while. I don't consciously think that I base myself off the quality of my work. However, I do remember admitting to my therapist that I wanted to try harder in school not because I really cared about grades but because I wanted to not be seen as a slacker. I wanted my teacher to think of me as a hard worker. I wanted his acknowledgment. And I wanted to prove to myself that I can be a good worker, and so I'll feel more responsible and ready for the real world, not some incompetent kid anymore. And I even fantasized about becoming a pro gamer, because not only could I prove that I could be good at something finally, I would gain recognition and attention for it.

 

Thank you for pointing those out to me. You are right..I think it's so normal for me to just be numb or suppressing emotion that's why I had a hard time telling the difference. It seems so... automatic for me. Someone also told me I talk kind of flat and I should work on trying to be more expressive. I think that goes hand in hand with this.

 

I also do like cutting because it does make me feel something. And you are right, suppressing emotions won't make the problems go away. If it did I guess I wouldn't be here on this forum. I do want my pain to be acknowledged. I still fear that by coming here I do gain that attention and that will somehow make it worse. But at the same time I can't imagine how isolation is preferable. It's tricky.. but I know coming here has helped. Thank you for pushing me toward honesty.

[Alice Amell]

Thanks for responding, TheFreeMarketIsAnarchy.

This is a really important point. That state you described as 'neutral' in which you crave feeling the emotion you previously felt is something I experience regularly. It is usually a day or so after I have an intense negative emotional experience. I feel it is like retreating into a safe shell of numbness where you are cut off from the pain you just felt because the thought of feeling that pain again is unbearable. Working on processing the pain when it comes out rather than just spilling it out and then running away is how I am trying to tackle this issue. I have a habit of spilling my emotions and then retreating into that numbness. Does any of this seem plausible to your experience? 

That sounds like what happened to me. It just seems so weird, one day I'm like tearing up all day and crying and the next I feel almost nothing. It does make sense though that I do feel numb not despite my emotional state earlier but because of it. What do you mean by processing the pain when it comes out? Like thinking about why I feel that way in the moment? What I want or hope to gain etc?

 

If so I also want to say that I also have self-harmed by cutting myself and i'm so sorry you feel the need at all to do that.   Just to try and state my experience with it in case it is helpful, I found that when I was in a position of feeling helpless in the face of the pain i was feeling (no emotional support from parents, friends etc.) then I had the option to either go numb to it as mentioned above or take it out on myself or something in my environment. So it is the lack of any healthy alternatives which can make you do such a drastic thing. 

 

My experience in high-school was filled with many similar experiences as you described in your last post. I remember a part of me really wanted everyone to see my cuts so that they wouldn't be able to overlook the sadness I was feeling anymore - like you said about wanting the diagnosis. You need not feel embarrassed about this as Robert already mentioned. It is a natural response to desire others to notice our pain and suffering especially if our primary care-givers have been overlooking our emotional reality as we grew up. I also am very familiar with the issues of harmful sleep patterns and procrastination which you described and I am trying to battle those things myself. Know that there are always others out there going through similar things.  

I'm sorry you were/are doing that as well. Thank you for sharing your experience, though. I really relate to it and I have felt similar things. Wanting others to see my problems/cuts and yet also not wanting them to. It's quite amazing how the mind can have opposing processes.

 

This is really important I think. Thanks Robert and Kevin for the great points. A cycle that I was caught up in before I set on the path for self-knowledge (I still am in many ways fighting with it) was to avoid thinking about and taking action against the root causes of my depression/self-harm etc. By not focusing on questions like those above I was shielding myself from the full force of intensity of those feelings, which are only now surfacing as I push on with such questions. However just because questions like that make us feel worse in the short run they are the only path to healing. Because I would simply tell myself that once I reached a 'neutral' (disconnected) state of mind then that is a sign that I had 'gotten it out my system'. This was of course never the case and the emotions and impulses to self-harm would resurface eventually. I would then do the same again, wait for it to be buried and then move on, never actually spending time focusing on why all of these feelings were happening and what I should do about them in terms of healthy solutions.  

 

Know that your feelings have not magically vanished - do not let yourself accept this conclusion. Probe for deeper causes, find people around you who you can confide in and you will learn to access your emotions and push beyond that numb state without cutting yourself or anything like that. Don't get me wrong though, I have not achieved these goals yet myself, I just wanted to share my perspective with you and the direction I am trying to take myself. 

 

Thank you for your kind words and advice. I agree that long-term it is better even if I may feel worse now or it's difficult. I do want to pursue self-knowledge and I think I did try to unravel more in my other most recent reply. It's something I need to work on because I'm not used to it.

 

If you'd like to talk any more about you're own experience I'd be happy to listen here or elsewhere

[cynicist]

I'm glad you found my post helpful. The other replies were great and touched on equally important things. I want to add a small bit of encouragement. Even the self-awareness that you are displaying here by talking about these problems and reaching out to other people is far further than many are willing to go. Most people would choose to lie to themselves and be condemned to their fate over facing any portion of the pain within them. I invite you to look at the effort you've made so far to learn about yourself as laying the foundation required to eventually outgrow your history, bit by bit. As long as you keep trying there is the chance to succeed.

[TheFreeMarketIsAnarchy]

What do you mean by processing the pain when it comes out? Like thinking about why I feel that way in the moment? What I want or hope to gain etc?

Yes exactly these sorts of things! Rather than just feeling the pain try and work with it and explore the root causes of why you are feeling it. I'm trying to start writing stuff down more which seems like a helpful thing to do. Wishing you good luck! 

[Alice Amell]

I thought I should post an update to share my progress like Spenc suggested so here goes:

 

The last week or so I've been feeling not as overwhelmed as before. The previous weeks I felt progressively worse and worse and that has stopped. I started going to class and doing homework again, though not fully (still skipped some classes and assignments). I tried writing in a journal once and I think it was a pretty good outlet for being able to not only share my feelings but record them and reflect on them (it can be hard just trying to think..but putting it into sentences helps solidify my thoughts). Everyday I have considered cutting myself again but I haven't done it yet. My sleep schedule, or rather lack of (stayed up for like 40 hours) is pretty bad, but I at least make time for class now, and I stayed up to finish a paper I put off so it's not meaningless this time. That's about all for now. Thanks again everyone for helping me, I really really really appreciate it and I'm so glad a community of people like this exists.

 

p.s. happy holidays to all 

[Spenc]

You talk about being a student, I don't think anyone has brought up free counseling through the school.  Have you considered trying out therapy while you presumably have the benefit of free sessions through your school?

 

Why do you think you have been feeling progressively worse and worse at this time of year?  Are you reaching a breaking point in your college career, with great significance on your results this semester?  Are you anxious for the holiday season?  Maybe it is building anxiety after you had a temporary break from the stress during the summer when you were out of school?  Just a few ideas....do any of them ring true to you?

[Kevin Beal]

You talk about being a student, I don't think anyone has brought up free counseling through the school.  Have you considered trying out therapy while you presumably have the benefit of free sessions through your school?

 

I am in therapy at the moment ("free" with college) and I've been getting progressively more emotional and this week I actually cried and had trouble speaking. She said it was good that I'm beginning to express emotions in front of her. I otherwise, to most people and especially irl, don't show much emotion. I especially don't want to show negative emotion to others. I try to hide it, but I do secretly like being emotional..I like watching lord of the rings and crying at the sad parts and stuff. If other people are around I don't feel comfortable crying though.

[Spenc]

Thanks, Kevin.  Sorry I missed that part earlier....

 

As for therapy.. I get 50 free sessions from my college. I started sometime last year so I might run out in a few months. I also don't have much experience with different therapists so I don't know if mine is good. She seems fine to me, I don't have much comparison though.

 

Can you talk a bit more about the way she directs your sessions?  How she responds to your retelling of experiences and emotions?  What issues does she hone in on the most as the most fundamentally important?

[Alice Amell]

Thanks, Kevin.  Sorry I missed that part earlier....

 

 

Can you talk a bit more about the way she directs your sessions?  How she responds to your retelling of experiences and emotions?  What issues does she hone in on the most as the most fundamentally important?

 

Sorry for my slow response, been a really busy week..

 

I think I was getting worse because I was becoming more connected with my feelings. I was facing them. I wasn't casting them aside as much anymore. I'm not entirely sure why I don't feel even worse, but I think talking in this thread really helped. I didn't feel so alone and I had an outlet to share my feelings with. 

 

In regard to my sessions, I usually just talk about whatevers on my mind or bothering me recently. She'll often relate it to other things I brought up or probe for more information. Something that came up multiple times was me isolating myself from others, or rejecting others. Being afraid to confront others. More recently she's brought to my attention that I'm not asking people for what I want out of my relationships with them. Especially with my parents. Another thing she keeps bringing up is my progress in transition to female. She keeps offering to refer to me as female if just in our sessions, but I've always said I don't feel comfortable yet.

 

I hope that answers your question

[James Tyrell]

Hey man, I had the exact same thing years ago, and now it comes and goes. The ONE thing that helped me a lot was St. John's Wort. It literally changed my life. It's a natural calming sedative and may have SSRI properties (still to be confirmed I believe).
I take 5-HTP before bed, and that replenishes your serotonin and makes A HELL of a difference.

Be aware of taking these if you're on ANY kind of medication. Make they won't interact with it. (Anti depressants & MAOI's most certainly)

I hope this helps. PM me for any questions you may have!

Peace...

[Alice Amell]

Hey man, I had the exact same thing years ago, and now it comes and goes. The ONE thing that helped me a lot was St. John's Wort. It literally changed my life. It's a natural calming sedative and may have SSRI properties (still to be confirmed I believe).

I take 5-HTP before bed, and that replenishes your serotonin and makes A HELL of a difference.

 

Be aware of taking these if you're on ANY kind of medication. Make they won't interact with it. (Anti depressants & MAOI's most certainly)

 

I hope this helps. PM me for any questions you may have!

 

Peace...

Thank you. I've been gone a while from the thread but am checking forums again. I will look more into this. I'm still hanging in

[James Tyrell]

St. Johns Wort will take about 2 weeks for it to smooth you out completely, so don't slack off if you do take it, IE. missing a day.

- Please check for medication conflicts before taking.