The red-headed stepchild

[Kouryuu]

I mean that in the most stereotypical way, in that my stepson Shawn, 7yo, has red hair, high energy levels, high pain tolerance, and the ability to occasionally make me want to beat him despite my generally peaceful nature. (No, I haven't, and anger is my own problem and a different post.)

 

Let me outline the issue and see what yall think. Shawn is respectful at home, but doesn't want to do his homework (which I think is pretty standard - he would rather be playing. So would I, I don't blame him). But we have been in to multiple parent teacher conferences over the last month, one included a counselor, another the principle herself. The issues? Refusing to sit still, talking over the teacher constantly, distracting other students, physical aggression toward other students, loud angry outbursts at the slightest irritation, etc. Basically, anger and self control issues. "Look to the parents" you say... Well, his mom had one hell of a childhood, lousy relationship with her parents, anger issues (compounded by her military experience), and a tendency to over-react (sometimes physically) to "stupidity". Being the stepfather, I didn't feel it was my place to step in until recently (a friend pointed me to FDR for a personal issue I needed to work through, and I started reading into the Peaceful Parenting sections). My viewpoint is pole opposite compared to 3 months ago, and about a month ago I approached my wife and carefully explained what I had learned. Now if she starts getting angrier than a situation dictates, a simple "Babe..." will tone her down. Yay, progress!

 

But here is the actual problem I need help with. For the past 7 years (being 7 years old), shawn's experience has been watching his mom have angry outbursts at the most mundane things (in the car for example:"mother-effer, turn! FASTER!!") which basically means it's fine to have angry outbursts, right? I think that between that and spankings, he has learned by example that violent reactions (be they verbal or physical) are normal behavior and perfectly fine (when the threat of retaliation isn't immediate anyway, thus him acting out at school where he has a chance of getting out of it but not at home). I understand I am also at fault for not stepping in earlier, but like I said, I didn't feel it was my place, plus until recently I agreed with corporal punishment.

 

So we have some progress and some understanding of what I think are the key issues that led to his behavior. The question is, how do I go about helping both my wife and my stepson to practice (learn) self control?

[TheRobin]

Has there been any apology, talking about the past behaviour and making it clear that you and the mother were wrong and that you now want to change and the like? Because if he's been subject to that sort of violent behaviour all his life then self-control might not be the thing he's lacking. It's more that there is probably a lot of legitimate anger towards being treated badly which will come out one way or another unless there's genuin apologies resitution and a complete acknowledge of the responsibility on side of the adults that teated him that way (including ofc letting it happen).

Mind, that this is not a proffesional opinion or anything ofc.

 

But did you have any talks with him about your past behaviour? Of so, how did it go?

[Kouryuu]

Oh I'm sure he has plenty of legitimate anger about his treatment up until recently (still, to be honest, because learning control over her own anger will take my wife some time). I did sit down with him last week and explain that adults don't always know the best ways to go about things, and that we had acted in the way our own parents did when we were kids. I went on to explain that I now feel any form of aggression (including spankings, the threat of a spanking, and even raised voices) are a bullying tactic and apologized for not realizing it sooner and stepping in. I did confirm though, that it didn't mean he could act up and get away with it... he will now have an opportunity to set his own punishment, which we will either accept or reject depending on the severity (no Shawn, hitting a boy in the face does NOT equal an apology card!) Honestly I'm not sure how to go about it though, since I was not raised by peaceful parents either and I'm relatively new to parenting in general and peaceful parenting in particular (he was 5 when I first met him, so I'm missing a few years experience here). I don't think his mom is ready to apologize yet, she's a bit hard headed sometimes, but I asked if he noticed a difference in her the past couple weeks and he said he did so maybe he is willing to wait for that one.

[Buggy]

 

One of the key issues here is the set of incentives your son has to adapt to the new behavior. The western social environment of this era will not do that for you. 

 

One of the reasons why physical punishment is so effective for changing behavior, is that it gives strong incentive to do the opposite of what triggers the pain. The stronger the pain, the greater the effect. With more consistency in practicing punishment (quantitatively), the more unconscious fear and "motivation" will be generated. This also applies to peaceful parenting, but here the overall outcome of the parenting will be exponentially healthier and more rewarding for both parties.

 

I would get wifey involved in red pill knowledge. Look at the research which shows the positive effects of peaceful parenting and traditional family structure with your wife - give her incentives to change. Facts that guarantee a better outcome is one aspect, but becoming virtuous in this area of personal attributes is another. I would here recommend Stefans content, more specifically UPB. Remember - peaceful parenting is prefered, and UPB slaps you around if you try declaring anything but that which is prefered for one self as preferable for others without sufficient reason. Magic 

 

 

As to shifting incentives, I am no expert nor certified worker in clinical psychology, but I know some relevant general mechanisms that can be played. 

 

1. His social interactions defines to him what is socially acceptable. His behavior has probably already been accepted, so you are not dealing with "acceptable" or "unacceptable". You are dealing with him being either satisfied with his social position or not. Do not take yes for an answer here, he has probably already developed defenses for dealing with this internally from the external. It is important to recognize that this behavior is rarely the most preferred behavior, both for the individual and group. If he is interested in, or when he gets interested in girls, you can refer to the general culture of feminised men to shift his idea of or invalidate his experience of aggressive men being the most liked. A better course overall, I would say. 

 

2. Giving him a chance to get out - get him into some hobby, sports or intellectual field of his interest. Be hesitant of sponsoring choices that strongly deviate from past interests and personal trends, they are likely to be temporary interests, lusts and other fluctuations. Make sure you model whatever choice he takes as socially acceptable. You want to integrate this in his actual and ideal social identity and get it socially reinforced in his everyday life. Suggestions: Football, RC models, art, strong habits as going to waterparks, cinemas, team sports. Should be a field in which advancements can be made for some years. generally, the more common this is culturally, the easier the integration will be. Consider cost, time and availability.

 

3. Confess to potential negative experiences. Tell him about what you would feel if he behaved like that to you. Do not involve any social aspect, like "I would feel ashamed if you...", "Your class considers you...", "Your grandparents thinks you..." etc. This will make him question his social experience and may cause serious issues like personality disorders in later developmental stages. In other words, tell him your feelings - evoke empathy.

 

Lastly, I would also attempt to get him curios of philosophy, or reasoning and truth in general. 

Also, do not underestimate the value of concepts and the abstract. I would strongly recommend working to increase his intellect in this way. 

[TheRobin]

I see. Well, I'm not sure there's much I can add, since I too don't have that much experience with peaceful parenting (basically, I just hear from others and how they handle certain things etc.)

But in my opinion: Just call in, Stef usually has some good ideas (also he's actually a parent, unlike me). Plus I'm sure you're not the only parent (or step-parent) facing not only the difficult task of figuring out how to peacefully parent, but also how to transition from non-peaceful parenting into it. Either way, it would be a talk I think I'd very much enjoy hearing and would bo of value to quite a lot of other people.

[Dylan Lawrence Moore]

Just a quick thing in here... I don't mean to be rude but I have to point something out:

 

I'm assuming this is a public school, yea? Even if it isn't, it's still based on the original Prussian idea of schooling, right? That is to say, the classrooms are laboratory-zoos and the teachers are behavioral psychologists trained at little more than pressing the electric-shock button. Is it strange that your son is exhibiting animal-like behavior when you bring him to a zoo every day?

[Kouryuu]

I am happy to say that since my last post, both my stepson and wife have made excellent progress handling their emotions. We had a discussion, apologies were made all around and accepted. They also both have made dietary changes and are seeing a naturopath, with supplements geared toward emotional trauma for the two of them. Before the holidays started Shawn even had a full week of Good behavior, and my wife is now listening to FDR podcasts on parenting. Life is peaceful Thank you for your replies!