How do I connect?

[TheSchwartz]

Throughout my life I have not had a connection with the people and the world around me. This also extends to a lack of connection with my principles, my desires in life and the goals necessary to meet them. There are so many things about myself and the way I operate my life that I want to change, and I think about ways I could go about doing so, yet I almost never make any kind of action in order to accomplish what I want. I don't really live what I perceive to be my values, and so my desires feel disconnected from my actions.

 

I am unsure of myself and confused about a lot of things, without any kind of real support from anyone. I have one person in my life(whom I live with), my brother, and our relationship, while honest, is not very open, and we don't have much of a connection at all. We are both into FDR and the idea of anarchism, but  I really think I am much more into philosophy than he is, or at least I believe I am. I already know I want to become independent as I have never been in my life, and live on my own, my own way. We both smoke cannabis, and he does not want to quit, ever, as far as I can tell. I have wanted to quit for a while now, but I find it difficult to do so when I have the relief to this sickening and ever-present ache in my stomach and chest right in front of my face every morning. In order to become dependent, I know I will have to do what I have not done before in my life, find a job. I have essentially been supported by my mother throughout my life and by the trust she left us after she passed away, and I have never developed any kind of skills or value, and I just don't know what to do with myself now that it is nearly gone.

 

I feel lost in terms of the direction I want to take in my life, and I don't feel efficacious in moving my life where I want it to be. I am afraid of taking on the responsibility (and joy) of life, mostly because I don't feel adequate or "ready", or that I have enough to offer for anyone to take interest in me, whatever the relationship might be. I have had almost no relationships of any kind throughout my life, and I feel I am lacking in the kind of qualities that would make someone interested in me.

 

I feel like I am starting to ramble, so I will try to make a point. I want to move forward with my life, but I feel like there is no place for me, and I feel disconnected from just about everything. Any help or advice would be very greatly appreciated!

[ParaSait]

A couple questions that popped up in my head as I was reading...

 

What was your history like?

Are you feeling alright? Does anything or anyone seem to bother you? It's hard to step forward if certain problems or people in the moment are holding you back.

How did you figure your values out? How do you know that what you believe are your values are really your values?

What do you do instead of pursuing your values, and why? Try to pay attention to not only your thoughts, but also your emotional state.

[Kevin Beal]

Hi TheSchwartz,

 

I don't suspect there is any one answer to this problem and I'm not as successful in this area as I would like, but I do have some thoughts.

 

There are a lot of personal development skills that need to be learned and applied in order to have success in life. Awareness enough to defer gratification, money and time management skills, goal setting skills, and more. It takes a commitment to self growth and looking honestly at where you are now without pretense. For me it involved 4 years of twice weekly psychoanalysis, reading books and taking notes on material from people who've achieved what I want to achieve, lengthy conversations with people who are on the same journey, incorporating philosophy into my identity.

 

A very valuable tool that I've learned for determining what my actual values are is by only looking at what I actually do, and not what I think about doing. If I don't actually start working on something then I just don't have interest enough to do it. So, I challenge myself to prove that I actually want to do something by actually taking steps to accomplish it.

 

Another thing that I think is useful is to takes steps toward your goals and take note of what it actually feels like to gain self esteem and self efficacy. That warm all over feeling that actually sort of feels like being buzzed on alcohol or high on marijuana (but not artificially induced). Developing a sense of self, a sense of what it is that you truly think and feel and not get lost in abstraction. Knowing the difference between disappointment, loss, grief, sorrow, depression, hurt and feeling contemplative, between joy, giddiness, pleasure, happiness and contentedness, between anger, rage, irritation, exasperation and annoyance, between admiration, love, respect and fondness. Having the vocabulary to articulate your inner experience.

 

I often ask myself "what exactly is this feeling?" And in doing so am able to connect with larger trends in my life, like how often I really feel disappointed, how painful disappointment is to me, what kinds of things have made me disappointed in the past, etc.

 

I think it is pretty true that you can't really love anyone more than you love yourself, and if you have a pulse and are not a sociopath, that is obviously going to be something that you want.

 

Take care of your heart!

[TheSchwartz]

Thank you so much for your great responses, I will respond as best I can, though I am having difficulty understanding myself right now. Tears are rolling down my cheeks and I am not sure why.

What was your history like?

 

I don't remember very much before around 9 years old, which was around the time my father passed away. I have this vague memory of him being "good", and he certainly was good with other people, but I firmly believe he was a terrible parent. I remember 3 times that he spanked me, and I remember that he would yell, to what degree and duration, I do not remember very well. But after speaking with my brother about his experience, the way I think about how he was has changed significantly. My brother has told me about my father dropping a gallon of milk on his head as he was pretending to sleep on the couch for touching the thermostat. He told me about how my father slapped him across the face for defiantly dropping a piece of litter onto the floor while he was being lectured about keeping the house clean. He tells me about how my father yelled. I don't remember nearly this kind of treatment, and I can't help but think my brother was treated more poorly because he was unwilling to bend, and I was always compliant. My brother of course was also bullying me, repeating what had been inflicted on him to me.

 

After my father passed away, my mother was diagnosed with cancer in her eye, which slowly spread to her liver and spine in the next decade. My mother would spend an increasingly larger amount of time at work over her last 10 years, partially because of the way me and my brother were behaving, and the state of the house, but I believe there were probably other reasons as well. I only had 1 close friend during my childhood, and the friendship began only because he smoked cigarettes and I told him I did when in reality I had only smoked once. In my late pre-teens and early teens, most of my time spent outside of school was with him, either playing with the kids in his neighborhood, or doing something else in his house if no one wanted to play. We started to play video games a lot when we were around 13-15, but as our time at high school went on, he found other people that he liked more than me, at least I assume, as he eventually stopped hanging out with me, or doing anything with me. I had only had casual 'friends' throughout my life aside from the one deeper friendship, and so I delved further into the world of video games.

 

I had been mostly withdrawn before my friend stopped hanging out with me, and became completely so when he did stop. I spent all of my time outside of school and sleep playing video games. I had had friends on the video games I played, but increasingly I was removing them from my friends list or them remove me as we increasingly realized we weren't really friends and didn't play with each other anymore anyway. As time went on, I increasingly isolated myself, with my mother increasingly isolating herself from my brother and I. Closer to the end of my senior year of high school, I started to try to open up and make friends, and to try to break out of my isolated state. I even asked a few girls out, though I never followed up on the one that said yes. I am not sure why I stopped trying, but I did, and my isolation increased after high school. I went to college for a little while to be an electrical engineer, paid for by my mother, and partially from a small scholarship I got. I stopped going after less than 2 months. It was for a multitude of reasons, but the biggest was I just didn't really care or see the point of putting that much effort into something that I didn't feel was very worth it.

 

With my mother supporting me, and no real reason to get a job, I began playing video games pretty much all day every day. It was almost always just me alone in the house playing video games, my mother at work (occasionally staying over night), and my brother elsewhere with friends, eventually moving to Arizona for a while. When I was 19 or 20, I got my first real job through my aunt's partner at a day facility for the mentally handicapped. I quit that job after 2 months or so when I was asked to clean someone after having used the restroom, rather than express my preference to not do something I don't feel comfortable doing. This has been and still is a theme throughout my life, not expressing myself openly and honestly.

 

After I quit, my mother's condition got gradually worse, until it spread to her spine and paralyzed her, causing her to make the decision to be moved to a hospice. She lived there for a few months where me and my brother would alternate seeing her every weekend. At this point, my brother and I lived in our mother's house together, almost exclusively spending our time playing video games. This is also around the time I began smoking cannabis, as my brother had began some years earlier, and naturally asked if I would like to smoke when he did. In early 2011, my mother passed away, and left us a trust with our aunt as the trustee. This combined with several life insurance policies she took out, were quite enough for us to live off of for an indefinite amount of time. It was around this time that we began our journey down the rabbit hole, actually beginning with Ron Paul, eventually ending up at FDR.

 

After a year and a half or more of me and my brother spending our time and money playing video games and smoking our aunts began to pressure us to find employment, or to get some kind of education. We both opted to become video game programmers, but we both became uninterested within a month or two, and stopped going before long. With no real incentive to better ourselves, and not having any real concept of delayed gratification in our minds, we just did what was convenient to us. After a while longer of more doing nothing, our aunt began to try to make it seem like the money would last a whole lot longer, and that we really should consider doing something with what we had left.

 

So, she proposed a plan to start out own business, and that she believed it would be a good idea to become gunsmiths. Having no direction or goals for myself, I latched onto this idea like a lamprey, lying to myself, her, and my brother about how much I wanted to do this. So, we began the necessary steps of putting together a business, using the trust to fund it. There are a lot of details regarding how that went down, suffice it to say, we opened in June 2013 and closed in July or August of 2014. This was mostly due to the lack of energy and effort from my brother and I, and our aunt's willful or not refusal to see it. Neither of us were really motivated or wanted to do the necessary work required for a business to succeed, and would spend more of our time at the shop not working than doing something productive. We would leave early almost every day, often closing the shop early if our aunt was not there to keep it open. She was putting all the effort in that we should have been, and I am only beginning to realize the implications of the year I basically stole from her life.

 

However, after having closed the business I have had quite a revealing conversation with my aunt and her partner that has made me believe she was not acknowledging our lack of effort for selfish reasons. She had recently been let go from her job as superintendent of a juvenile correctional facility, and I believe that was part of her decision to ask us to start a business. After about 6 months, I was at the point where I realized I was unmotivated, and depressed about everything, and she only made a token effort at talking to me about it. I was lying to myself a lot then, and thus lying to her. She took my words at face value, and ignored my continuation of the same behavior. I have had knowledge of my depression for at least a year and a half now, having realized that I don't really have friends, and the few people in my life I am not totally open with. I continue to keep quite a lot of myself to myself if that makes any sense. I do not know what she gets out of her relationship out of me exactly, but I know that I feel I am getting nothing out of it from her. She says she loves me, but we barely know anything about one another. What I do know about her is that she knew that things were going wrong at our home when we were children, and her excuse was "I wasn't sure when would be a good time to step in".

 

So, I am at the point where I am ready to cut my aunts out of my life, I just have to build up the courage to have that conversation with them. I feel I owe them that. I am also at the point where the money is starting to run out, and we are living on selling stuff from the business that we don't need, and debt. I feel like my brother is ignoring reality the same as I am, and while I know intellectually that I am going down a very terrible path, I continue to have no interest in taking serious action to change. I want to have this conversation with my brother, to be real with him, and be able to say, "hey, I think smoking is terrible, and I want to quit, and if you don't want to, I cannot live with you because it will be too tempting". At the same time, I need to find a job, which requires me to work through my anxiety of inexperience and feelings of little worth. This would enable me to begin saving  money, which I feel would be necessary for me to go live independently.

 

 

How did you figure your values out? How do you know that what you believe are your values are really your values?

What do you do instead of pursuing your values, and why? Try to pay attention to not only your thoughts, but also your emotional state.

I guess my values are just a vague notion of how I want to be, and not very well defined. For example, I feel I should be completely open and honest in the couple of relationships I have, but I find myself being closed off for fear of burdening someone else with my issues, or annoying someone or embarrassing myself. I believe I can tell what are my real values by how I live, and what I do, and this is what I think is partly causing my depression. I am not living the values I perceive to have, nor am I working towards fulfilling my desires. Instead, I have reverted to my old habit of playing video games and smoking cannabis. I feel terrified at the thought of taking responsibility for myself and actually attempting to succeed in my goals rather than let them lie fallow and ill defined. I feel very small, insignificant, and I feel I have been and continue to waste my potential for this fear of rejection, for this fear of being spotted as broken, as untouchable. I often feel like a brain in a vat, like I have no connection with myself or my body. I feel like my mind is adrift in a vast sea of nothingness.

 

A very valuable tool that I've learned for determining what my actual values are is by only looking at what I actually do, and not what I think about doing. If I don't actually start working on something then I just don't have interest enough to do it. So, I challenge myself to prove that I actually want to do something by actually taking steps to accomplish it.

This is actually the kind of idea that prompted me to post this in the first place. I want to better myself, and I know at least a few of the ways in which I could begin doing so, yet I don't do those things. I continue to ignore reality and let my situation continue to worsen. I overwhelmingly feel like the cost benefit of fixing myself so to speak is not in my favor. I feel like there isn't really a place for me in the world, like I have spent so much time not living, that it is too late to do so. And so I never do anything, and sit there and feel terrible about myself for being so whiny and never doing anything. I feel like I have been sitting here excusing myself from taking responsibility, but at the same time, I feel completely in the dark in terms of how to actually live my life and be a human being. I just feel so weird, almost like my life can't be real, like it is just a dream or something.

 

Another thing that I think is useful is to takes steps toward your goals and take note of what it actually feels like to gain self esteem and self efficacy. That warm all over feeling that actually sort of feels like being buzzed on alcohol or high on marijuana (but not artificially induced). Developing a sense of self, a sense of what it is that you truly think and feel and not get lost in abstraction. Knowing the difference between disappointment, loss, grief, sorrow, depression, hurt and feeling contemplative, between joy, giddiness, pleasure, happiness and contentedness, between anger, rage, irritation, exasperation and annoyance, between admiration, love, respect and fondness. Having the vocabulary to articulate your inner experience.

I feel very ineffective in my life, and I don't really know what it is like to succeed, as I have put no effort into almost anything in my life. I feel so confused and overwhelmed by all the emotions that I feel, and I often end up feeling numb or empty, or I distract myself to the point where I don't even acknowledge my feelings. I am not good at separating emotions either. Sometimes I am able to tell what is causing the feeling, and thus able to discern more clearly what the feeling is. Most of the time, it is just a bad feeling that I am experiencing and I retreat into smoking, and distractions, and numbing myself to the point of nothingness.

 

Thank you very much for your time if you have come this far. I understand that I wrote a lot, and I am unsure of how clear I was and I hope I am not emotionally dumping on you guys. I have been so isolated for so long, I am afraid that I might have gone crazy and there is no coming back. If you have any questions, feel free to ask, and thanks again!

[madman]

http://www.na.org/meetingsearch/

 if i got the link right they show like 74 meetings in columbus. have you tried na meetings yet? if you're an athiest the god part really sucks. i'm struggling with that right now going to alanon meetings. the good news is you can meet people that are committed to finding out how to live without getting high. nobody knows how to do it or what that even looks like when they start going to meetings so people who have learned are sympathetic to that problem. what do ya do if you're not gettin high? it's a damn good question. the best meetings are after the meetings. it's real easy to go there and not get noticed if you don't say anything. especially if you haul ass right after the meeting closes. if you ask around you might find that people are going out for coffee after the meeting which is crazy if it's an 8 oclock meeting. it depends on the meeting you're at and dumb luck. i went to one morning meeting and went to lunch afterwards. everyone talked about stupid stuff. then i went to another one and 2 guys stopped for lunch and i grilled them while we ate. i finally got a couple of questions answered. i've been going to alanon for about 3 weeks now and i got some numbers but i haven't called anyone yet. at least i got a little face time after the meetings to ask some questions. alanon and na use the same format. most of the meetings you sit around a table and everybody gets to share if they want. one person leads it and can say something after you talk if they want. if you go there and say you're new you should get some attention. come early and leave late is an old saying. that way you can say you're new and if the person isn't an ass they should help you understand what's goin on with the meeting. if you leave late you can ask questions afterward. you don't get a chance to talk back and forth when you share so you can ask questions if you want but you might not get any answers. you can pick up literature to read and you can buy a big book if you want. you can get the hotline number off the website and call them with questions. i was 23 when i first went to na. i tried aa first but those guys were too old and too lame. na was the real deal. i got my very best friends there. from what you wrote it's not so much what happened to you as what didn't. i didn't know what win win was till stephan talked about it. i didn't know what negotiation was. i acted tough so people would leave me alone. but i didn't like bein alone. i wanted love but didn't think i deserved it. i had no idea how to ask for anything i needed. i'd rather set myself on fire. mom told me i was no good cuz i was gettin baked every day. there's still a part of me that believes her. i was ignored as a child so i learned to ignore myself. brain in a vat cracked me up. i think of that brain sitting on a chair in group on ugly people. that's me. i've supressed my emotions for so long i don't know what they are. i live in my head. i used to smoke just to make myself stupid enough to talk to the people around me. i gotta think weed is keepin you down. it's keepin you stuck. it's keepin you from learnin some new tricks. some stuff you want but are afraid to ask for. weed don't make you brave it just makes excuses. let me know if i can help, gary 

[Kevin Beal]

I'm glad to hear that you are crying. That sounds like a very strange thing to say, but I actually think that if you have a hell of a time connecting emotionally and empathizing with yourself, crying is an excellent place to be.

 

And I'm sorry about what you went through as a child Thank you for sharing

 

I overwhelmingly feel like the cost benefit of fixing myself so to speak is not in my favor. I feel like there isn't really a place for me in the world, like I have spent so much time not living, that it is too late to do so. And so I never do anything, and sit there and feel terrible about myself for being so whiny and never doing anything. I feel like I have been sitting here excusing myself from taking responsibility, but at the same time, I feel completely in the dark in terms of how to actually live my life and be a human being. I just feel so weird, almost like my life can't be real, like it is just a dream or something.

I don't actually know the answer, to be perfectly honest, but I was struck by some phrasing that you used. You said that you feel like you've been avoiding taking responsibility, and then said: but you feel in the dark in terms of how to live a real life. But isn't that another excuse? If you don't know how to land a helicopter on a building, we could hardly blame you for not trying. And what if you have the cause and effect reversed? What if it's precisely because you avoid taking responsibility that you don't know how to really live?

 

Does not knowing how to really live drive you to figure it out, or does it keep you in your chair smoking and distracting yourself? If it's the second, then that makes me highly suspicious.

 

When I want to do something and I don't know how, I google it. I wanted to learn how to be a good web developer and I googled it. I wanted to learn to be a good guitarist and I googled it. And not to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty great at both those things (and minesweeper!). The point being that If you really want to do something, you figure it out. If you don't work to figure it out, then you just don't want to do it. And like you mentioned, writing this thread and asking questions and sharing your history and perspective is demonstrating that you want to do it.

 

What will you do next?

 

When I had no idea how I wanted to live my life, I got in therapy as quickly as I could. I didn't really have a job then, but I had enough to pay for a session here and there. I took jobs like lawn mowing that I wouldn't if I wasn't trying to pay for the next session. I opted not to buy alcohol so I could afford the next session. I started actually looking for full time work so I could continue therapy. I just made it work, whatever way I could. I got a good therapist and after a whole shit ton of work, my life got a whole lot better.

 

Prove to yourself through your actions what you can or can't do.

 

And just going into therapy won't be enough. You have to be as self directed as you can conceivably muster and learn to become your own therapist. A lot of people go into therapy and they think it gives them extra self knowledge points or something. Therapy is not a passive thing, obviously. It's actually really hard and you never stop working at it.

 

So why do it? Because fuck not doing it! Fuck not having control over your own life! Fuck not having the amazing power of your emotional apparatus and unconscious mind, developed over a billion years, available to you in achieving your goals! Fuck not having goals! Fuck passivity!

[TheSchwartz]

A lot of what you wrote resonated very much with me madman, mostly towards the end. It is very much what didn't happen to me, and what I wasn't modeled and taught by my parents.

 

 

 

i didn't know what win win was till stephan talked about it. i didn't know what negotiation was. i acted tough so people would leave me alone. but i didn't like bein alone. i wanted love but didn't think i deserved it. i had no idea how to ask for anything i needed. i'd rather set myself on fire.

 

I feel the same now about all of these things with the exceptions that I still don't really know much about win win stuff, and I acted insignificant and quiet so people would leave me alone rather than tough.

 

 

i've supressed my emotions for so long i don't know what they are. i live in my head. i used to smoke just to make myself stupid enough to talk to the people around me. i gotta think weed is keepin you down. it's keepin you stuck. it's keepin you from learnin some new tricks. some stuff you want but are afraid to ask for. weed don't make you brave it just makes excuses. let me know if i can help, gary 

I feel the same about suppressing my emotions indefinitely and living in my head, as well as smoking to make myself feel more stupid, although I wanted to do so in order to stop thinking so much or so deeply. I also agree that cannabis is keeping me down and stuck, which is why I feel it would be in my best interest to quit. I also feel it is a strong possibility that I will have to move away from my brother in order to quit, as I do not believe he has any interest in quitting whatsoever. I am feeling stuck at that point, finding a job and building a savings so I can support myself after I make the move, whenever that might be. When it comes to taking action in almost any regard, I give up on myself before I have even begun. This is one of the major ways in which I feel a disconnect between what I want and what I do. Rather than persevere and use the frustration as fuel to drive me towards my goals, I just give up without a fight.

 

I'm glad to hear that you are crying. That sounds like a very strange thing to say, but I actually think that if you have a hell of a time connecting emotionally and empathizing with yourself, crying is an excellent place to be.

 

And I'm sorry about what you went through as a child Thank you for sharing

I feel like I am crying because I am so used to feeling unworthy of sympathy that it is almost a shock to receive any, and I am incredibly grateful for it. Thank you for taking an interest in me.

 

Does not knowing how to really live drive you to figure it out, or does it keep you in your chair smoking and distracting yourself? If it's the second, then that makes me highly suspicious.

Out of curiosity, in what way would the second option make you suspicious. Truthfully, the part of me that I feel has been dominating my seat of consciousness for the past couple of months does feel like giving up because of the lack of knowledge rather than having it drive me. I feel overwhelmed by the amount that I don't know, the amount of time it will take to learn what I don't know, the degree to which I don't feel like I care about the fact that my life is going down the drain, and the lack of desire for taking real action.

 

The point being that If you really want to do something, you figure it out. If you don't work to figure it out, then you just don't want to do it. And like you mentioned, writing this thread and asking questions and sharing your history and perspective is demonstrating that you want to do it.

 

A part of me feels like I am kidding myself when I tell myself that I really want to do these things and change my life for the better. I often feel like the fact that I do very little to better myself is a sign that I don't really care. This kind of spurs me to do even less, because I feel like I have already failed, and I give up. I often feel like a coward because I capitulate so easily.. I have no fight in me, and I don't put effort into anything that I can think of. I want so badly to believe that I really I really care about myself and my future, but I can't help but think, "If I did care about myself, wouldn't I be working really hard to make myself better, rather than doing largely nothing as I have been?" I don't know how relevant this is, but I started crying very hard as I began typing that quote.

 

What will you do next?

 

When I had no idea how I wanted to live my life, I got in therapy as quickly as I could. I didn't really have a job then, but I had enough to pay for a session here and there. I took jobs like lawn mowing that I wouldn't if I wasn't trying to pay for the next session. I opted not to buy alcohol so I could afford the next session. I started actually looking for full time work so I could continue therapy. I just made it work, whatever way I could. I got a good therapist and after a whole shit ton of work, my life got a whole lot better.

 

Prove to yourself through your actions what you can or can't do.

 

And just going into therapy won't be enough. You have to be as self directed as you can conceivably muster and learn to become your own therapist. A lot of people go into therapy and they think it gives them extra self knowledge points or something. Therapy is not a passive thing, obviously. It's actually really hard and you never stop working at it.

 

So why do it? Because fuck not doing it! Fuck not having control over your own life! Fuck not having the amazing power of your emotional apparatus and unconscious mind, developed over a billion years, available to you in achieving your goals! Fuck not having goals! Fuck passivity!

 

I have done only a few hour long sessions with a therapist, and I started journaling in the beginning of September, although that has slowed down a lot this month. I find myself writing only 20-30 minutes every few days rather than up to 2+ hours a day I have done on many days. I have been stuck for a while feeling overwhelmingly hopeless in my situation. I struggle with the fact that I tell myself day after day how much better things could be, and the myriad of ways I could begin today in bettering myself, yet I continue doing nothing. I struggle with trying to understand why I continue to pretend like there is a hope to change when I don't feel very comfortable with or am willing to do the work necessary for the change.

 

Thank you so much for the kind and encouraging words. I have trouble with seeing myself as having the capacity to be good, and so it is difficult for me to take them to heart. Especially the part about fuck not having control over my own life. I feel like I am desperately afraid of taking control of myself and finally being a 'real' person

 

I am incredibly grateful for your response and the interest you have taken. Although, I can't help but feel like I am dumping on you. I feel as if a damn has broke and now the flood waters have come bursting all over this forum. I guess I am just afraid that I am asking you of your time without really giving anything back. Regardless of that, I feel like all of the comments have been very helpful so far, and I am thankful. I feel I must rest and think some more on this, as I am still quite confused. Until then, I eagerly await any further responses!

 

 

[TheSchwartz]

 The point being that If you really want to do something, you figure it out. If you don't work to figure it out, then you just don't want to do it.

I have been thinking a lot on this, and I agree. It is precisely the fact that I rarely take any action towards my betterment that makes me believe that I just don't care very much at all. I keep telling myself that I care, but I never do anything, and never feel any desire to work at it. How can I truthfully care if, when it comes down to getting my hands dirty, I would rather not?

[Peaceful Parent]

I guess I am just afraid that I am asking you of your time without really giving anything back.

Keep in mind that others are reading this (like me) and are getting value from it. I don't want to speak for Kevin, but I would imagine that every time he helps someone with self-knowledge he also reaps benefits. At least that's been the case for me.

[Kevin Beal]

I have been thinking a lot on this, and I agree. It is precisely the fact that I rarely take any action towards my betterment that makes me believe that I just don't care very much at all. I keep telling myself that I care, but I never do anything, and never feel any desire to work at it. How can I truthfully care if, when it comes down to getting my hands dirty, I would rather not?

I don't think it's one or the other. You can want to and not want to simultaneously. That's why you feel conflicted.

 

The reason I find the feelings of helplessness suspicious is because they're leading to you to self erase, distract yourself, and avoid taking responsibility. That, to me, sounds like adapting to a childhood where there is no winning (something like 'learned helplessness'). There is no guarantee, obviously that you will be successful and where you'd ideally like to be, but it's just a simple fact that you do have more control over your life as compared to when you were a child.

 

What does the child you once were need to feel safe to grow?

 

There's a quote I want to share with you, from the show Doctor Who, spoken to a younger version of the protagonist, literally going back in time and talking to him.

 

 

This is just a dream, but very clever people can hear dreams. So please, just listen. I know you’re afraid, but being afraid is alright. Because didn’t anybody ever tell you? Fear is a superpower. Fear can make you faster and cleverer and stronger. And one day you’re gonna come back to this barn and on that day you’re going to be very afraid indeed. But that’s okay, because if you’re very wise and very strong fear doesn’t have to make you cruel or cowardly. Fear can make you kind. It doesn’t matter if there’s nothing under the bed or in the dark so long as you know it’s okay to be afraid of it. So listen. If you listen to anything else, listen to this. You’re always gonna be afraid even if you learn to hide it. Fear is like a companion, a constant companion, always there. But that’s okay because fear can bring us together. Fear can bring you home. I’m gonna leave you something just so you’ll always remember. Fear makes companions of us all.

 

Fear can make you stronger, as well as paralyze you.

 

Did you stop going to therapy? if so, why?

[Blackfish64]

Yep, pot'll do that to you.  It will disconnect you, at the very least.  Marijuana has its uses, particularly as a pain-killer, but making a habit of it with no particular purpose in mind isn't a good idea.  I would get away from that as quickly as possible.  My love for the stuff has caused me my share of problems over the years.  The paranoia is the worst for me.  Gawd, I hate that!  

 

When you kick the dope, your head will be clear to think about other things.  That's a good start.  

[TheSchwartz]

I don't think it's one or the other. You can want to and not want to simultaneously. That's why you feel conflicted.

 

The reason I find the feelings of helplessness suspicious is because they're leading to you to self erase, distract yourself, and avoid taking responsibility. That, to me, sounds like adapting to a childhood where there is no winning (something like 'learned helplessness'). There is no guarantee, obviously that you will be successful and where you'd ideally like to be, but it's just a simple fact that you do have more control over your life as compared to when you were a child.

 

What does the child you once were need to feel safe to grow?

 

There's a quote I want to share with you, from the show Doctor Who, spoken to a younger version of the protagonist, literally going back in time and talking to him.

 

 

 

Fear can make you stronger, as well as paralyze you.

 

Did you stop going to therapy? if so, why?

 

Thank you for pointing me in the direction of the theory of learned helplessness. I checked out your link and googled a few other sources, what I read seems to correlate with what I experienced and how I feel.

 

I feel like the child needs independence and a voice of his own, to say the least. I am sure there is more to it than that, but I am still working those things out.

 

I did stop going to therapy, at first because of lack of finances. However I started smoking instead of going to therapy a short while after we got some more funds. At some point I just gave in and stopped caring to a large degree.

 

Yep, pot'll do that to you.  It will disconnect you, at the very least.  Marijuana has its uses, particularly as a pain-killer, but making a habit of it with no particular purpose in mind isn't a good idea.  I would get away from that as quickly as possible.  My love for the stuff has caused me my share of problems over the years.  The paranoia is the worst for me.  Gawd, I hate that!  

 

When you kick the dope, your head will be clear to think about other things.  That's a good start.  

 

I have believed that it would be best if I were to just stop smoking altogether for a while now. It has become not so much a question of whether I should, but rather, how can I cope with my feeling without it?

[Blackfish64]

Thank you for pointing me in the direction of the theory of learned helplessness. I checked out your link and googled a few other sources, what I read seems to correlate with what I experienced and how I feel.

 

I feel like the child needs independence and a voice of his own, to say the least. I am sure there is more to it than that, but I am still working those things out.

 

I did stop going to therapy, at first because of lack of finances. However I started smoking instead of going to therapy a short while after we got some more funds. At some point I just gave in and stopped caring to a large degree.

 

 

I have believed that it would be best if I were to just stop smoking altogether for a while now. It has become not so much a question of whether I should, but rather, how can I cope with my feeling without it?

 

 

You will be better able to cope with your feelings without it.  With the dope out of the way, no longer dulling your senses, your nerves, your thoughts, your emotions, you will be more sensitive, more alert, more able, more alive, more powerful.  Free yourself and let your strength wax before your very eyes.  

 

At first, you might be a touch out of control, as you will be walking on unfamiliar territory, you might get a touch rattled, but you know it's coming, so you can prepare for that.  Use something else to occupy your time.  Exercise is good.  I prefer walking, specifically stick walking.  Dopers don't get exercise.  They sit around on their arses all the time.  So learning to exercise is good for you.  Find some sport or form of exercise you really like to do and go for it.  Find some new friends.  Preferably ones who don't use dope or drink.  If you need support, need someone to talk to, there are groups you can get involved with, there is journaling, there is this Web site.

 

If you are having a hard time stopping your use of the dope, change the way you use it.  Instead of smoking it, try eating it for a change.  It will give you a different perspective and free you of the same old habits that keep you imprisoned.  Soon you will get bored with the whole thing altogether and be better equipped to just toss your stash in the trash.  You don't need it anyway.  There's nothing wrong with you.  You're not in any pain.  

 

Find a job.  It keeps you in the habit of working and puts money in your pocket.  Feels good.  Even if it's just dinging a cash register down at the corner 7Eleven.  Who cares?  It's something to do and makes money.  That's always a good feeling.  If you have connections and can hook up with someone(s) and get an apprenticeship, learn a trade you might like, or something like that-do it!  Go to school.  Sign up for a couple of classes that peak your interest down at the community college.  You might like it.   

 

Do your emotional work. Get therapy if you can find a good therapist.  Find the source of your pain and deal with it. Put it all behind you and press on.  

[TheSchwartz]

After going to bed last night with a mind buzzing in thought, I woke up feeling... different. It feels as if someone has flipped a switch in my mind and I decided today would be the day that I quit smoking. I grit my teeth and began to look for things to occupy my time and my mind. I can't say that my day was particularly productive, but I discovered something incredibly important. I realized that the ache I feel when I am sober will certainly not be the death of me, and I have more control of myself than I believed before. Sadly, a little while ago, I gave into the temptation to smoke again, but I remain optimistic as I was able to refrain from smoking for most of the day. I look forward to see what tomorrow brings, which is certainly a change from the norm.

[Blackfish64]

Right on.  

 

We are what we do.