Holidays, Done Right

[Mark Serene]

About a month ago, I de-FOO'd. It was an email I sent to my parents, saying basically that I feel sad, anxious, and angry around them and I need to take time away from the family in order to resolve my issues. This came after several conversations where I told them how I feel and the issues I have with the punishments I received as a child, which were replied to with every rationalization, justification, and attack in the book. My dad even called me a religious fanatic for kicking people out of my life who don't share my values. (I had recently dropped most of my friendships after similar conversations.)

 

Anyways, I have just had a birthday pass and Thanksgiving, too, and soon it will be Christmas that I will be spending without my FOO for the first time. I am having a lot of mixed emotions, feelings of guilt, anger, and anxiety, but also joy. Thanksgiving was a wonderful day spent with my girlfriend and I felt thankful that she and I were free to be ourselves together. 

 

I didn't have a purpose for this post before writing, but I felt like putting it out there because maybe you have gone through your first de-FOO'd holiday season, or maybe this, too, is your first. In either case I think its a brave step to take whenever you get corrupt people out of your life. 

[AynRand]

That is a very moving post thank you for sharing. I have yet to defoo so I can't share your feelings, but from what it sounds like I'm sure you made the right decision.

[Kevin Beal]

There was a more casual christmas eve call in show last year for people to join the chat and participate in who weren't celebrating with FOO. It was very pleasant and funny, and I hope they do it again this year.

 

I'm sorry this was a choice you were even had to consider. I'm glad you have your girlfriend to spend the holidays with

 

Thanks for posting!

[shirgall]

To me, the easiest way to defuse holiday gatherings is to do more non-holiday gatherings, imho. The families that fight the most on Thanksgiving are the ones that never eat together the rest of the year. Or do a "game night". It's the people that get so hung up on traditional this and that that add stress to holiday gatherings the most, and that brings out all the other demons.

 

On the de-FOO side, though, this is not an option, but I can understand the guilt. My suggestion though, is to surround yourself with people that like a slow dinner with scintillating conversation, or a get-together to watch a movie, or an opportunity to go through a role-playing game or longer board game, and don't hang it on a particular date, and you will probably miss the stressful family gathering less and less.

Let me add that there are more and more games where you are not pitted against everyone else but rather you are pitted against the game itself... like "Zombicide!" or "Forbidden Desert".

[Tweety]

Thank you Mark for sharing what you are going through!

 

Even though I have not "officially de-FOOed", I made the decision to not go and spend the holidays with my family this year. I was very anxious before announcing that decision to my mother, and was certain that I would feel guilty and regretful and that I would cave in my decision. To my surprise, I'm still looking forward to spending the holidays in a new (positive) way!

 

Stefan has been saying in a few shows something in the lines of: once you show yourself in actions that the things you are afraid of are not real, will not harm you and won't kill you, your true self will strengthen and you will get rid of those fears and anxieties. I'm excited to see if that will happen, how that will feel and what will change in my life after that 

[Spenc]

Just out of curiosity, Mark, did your family try to send you gifts, get in touch with you by phone or e-mail, letters/cards or anything when your birthday came up recently?  While Thanksgiving and Christmas are big deals for the whole family, I'm kind of curious how things went when it was a special day focused specifically on just you.  In some ways, I can imagine it might be more difficualt to withdraw under those circumstances than under the broader family holidays where attention is centered elsewhere.

[peachbrain]

Mark, you are so lucky to have started this process so young. I only wish I had found FDR by the time I was 22

 

I am kind of hoping that after no contact with him over the holidays, my dad will see that I am serious and will perhaps go to a family therapist with me. Also, if on the off chance he sends me a Christmas check, it's going to be reeaaally hard not to cash it as I could really use the money- but I'd feel contaminated somehow continuing to accept his money, as I feel like he used to hold his "generosity" over my head in an attempt to control me.

[Spenc]

Mark, you are so lucky to have started this process so young. I only wish I had found FDR by the time I was 22

 

I am kind of hoping that after no contact with him over the holidays, my dad will see that I am serious and will perhaps go to a family therapist with me. Also, if on the off chance he sends me a Christmas check, it's going to be reeaaally hard not to cash it as I could really use the money- but I'd feel contaminated somehow continuing to accept his money, as I feel like he used to hold his "generosity" over my head in an attempt to control me.

peach, i remember reading your story last night.  you mentioned your father is a church goer, so he has been ingrained with the concept of paying for fogiveness, would he not?  so i would just open you up to the idea that if he sends you a check it might not be assertion of control it may be a cowardly attempt to get forgiveness.  If he is willing to make the simplest effort for forgiveness he might respond to your neglect by digging deeper, finding some courage, and making the true effort that you deserve in order to find peace with him.

 

just another way to interpret things if they play out that way, but of course you know your father better so trust your own feelings about it

[Mark Serene]

Thank you all for all of the replies! 

If anyone knows about another FDR christmas call this year, please let me know! That sounds like a lot of fun.

I agree that these traditional dates of celebration are expected to be somehow magical on their own, and I really like the idea of spending long evenings with close friends on other days throughout the year. 

 

Tweety, I am also looking forward to how my true self will strengthen without my FOO and congratulations on having the bravery to say no to the family-holiday drug this year. I hope it turns out well for you.

 

Spenc, on my birthday, I received text-messages from both of my parents and phone calls with long guilt-ridden voicemails from extended-family. Also, my grandfather showed up at my work with a birthday card for me after I had told him I didn't want to see any family. I expect much more of the same for Christmas, but its easy to not respond to phone calls or text messages.

 

Peach, I wish I found FDR when I was 13!! haha. My dad also pulled the "ungrateful" card and that was fine. I just said "I am grateful for what you given me, but that doesn't changed how you punished me." It seems like a distraction from the real issues. Also, I don't see any harm in accepting cash. Its not like you ever signed a contract that says you are now obligated to spend time with him because you accepted his gift.

[Bedouin]

Hey I don't have too much to add just well done, and I hope you have a good one - I imagine it will be! Sorry you had to go through that !