General questions about being raised with some abuse, etc,?

[IndianaLee]

Hi Folks.    

 

I'm pretty new here and I'm lurking for the most part, and mostly listen to Stefan via youtube.

I'm hoping that this is the right place to post this question?

 

I'm ill with Lyme disease, etc, and  I have problems with my cognitive skills from time to time, so if I repeat myself or ask questions which are long, I apologize, but it's hard for me to explain things now days with this illness. Ok. Enough of that. 

 

I"m 53, and now that I look back, I'm seeing so much of what happened to me, and wondering what effect this has had on my choices in life as I"ve had a hard time although I've always worked hard, etc,. until I became ill, and felt successful and have had a good life in most ways. I guess I was always told to count my blessings when I was religious of course most of my life until recently. 12 years ago I became ill roughly, but docs can't figure out a physical reason after I spent many thousands of dollars and now am below poverty level, except I have tested positive twice for lyme and I used to hunt and live almost completely by my own grown food and harvested by hunting and fishing and had many ticks, etc,.

 

So I did well, and worked as a software engineer in the IT field in the 90's and in the 2000's. About 2004 I became too ill to continue.  

 

I'm wondering about my choices now though, also did make some terrible choices with women. I was married three times. The last time only 3 months as she was so crazy and tried to poison me and I left and it took that long to get the divorce. No fault and was easy, but I wonder how I was fooled as I met her at a church of course..  I was always looking to find a woman that would of course be great looking, and wasn't like my mother who was very domineering and did spank me, humiliated me by calling me names, yelled, etc, etc. She has a apologized, and I know it was because she was going thru a divorce, etc, as my parents divorced when I was 15 roughly. 

 

Now that I look back, I was never hit but maybe once by my father and I remember he apologized after he did so, and he was always, always loving and good to me, but was ill himself later in life and was hospitalized in a mental institution. He was very religious and was raised by the same. My mother on the other hand was the hand that would put the hurt on you, but, she seemed, I always felt took great joy at humiliating me, saying things like you're just like your father and you're never going to be good, etc, etc,. and it seems that half my life I tried to do things that would make her happy, and sought out women like her and even though I did this, I wasn't trying to of course to do so, and actually thought I was doing the opposite. But, lately after listening to Stefan and many other topics, I'm considering counseling, and wondering how it would help ? Is there such a thing as being too old to get help? 

I'm no longer religious at all, and I totally get the NAP, etc, and love it. Love the Stefan video's. They're really opened my eyes. I'd like to know how to get rid of the guilt I feel at times because I became so angry and extremely abusive verbally, etc, etc, and still have anger problems, and how to continue to grow if that all makes sense. I just want to make sure my decisions from now on are not effected by violence in my life as a child. I hope that makes sense. 

Regards and thanks in advance. I hope this was ok to post here! 

  Tim

[ozone]

well i can recommend looking into ahcc and cats claw as treatments for lyme they helped me alot. work on eating balanced natural real foods, getting sleep, mild exercise like walking or slow biking.

anger and guilt are negative emotions, therapy can help alot. you can also read books like "you can heal your life" and "how to forgive when you can't" and work on forgiving your self. 

when you are little and you get abused you think lots of things and learn lots of things. you learn you are bad, that bigger people can hurt you when they want, that its not safe to be you and have fun... all of this is of course personalized and its now in your subconscious, so writing a journal about it and really exploring the ideas and looking at the programming with a scientific approach is a good method for clearing it out of the subconscious. chiropractic neuro emotional technique, is another way of doing this sort of work and there are ways to learn how to do this by your self which i can point you too if you wish. there is also NLP and hypnosis.  there are many ways to skin a cat...

You have to be willing to change, and to love your self and of course forgive your self. I would look in the mirror and say out loud... " I am willing to change, and learn from the past, I forgive my self and i love myself and im going to get through this."  you are framing yourself with positivity... which is how you stop the negativity... you let it go and replace it. therapy helps with this.

after having said all this i want you to question all of it because... when you are abused you become easily influenced. when you are questioning things as a child and people abuse you you learn very quickly that its not safe to question authority and at the same time you seek out authority to control you... or do you? learn to question things... dont listen to me, go over it... figure out what you think.

I hope you look into my post and see what you think, I do yoga, well i got certified as a teacher even but became sick and haven't been teaching but i was abused and have had immune system and health issues as well. I have been working on this for a long time and i can just say that if you never give up and never stop looking at things logically you will find the answers. things will get better, so be gentle with your self.

I came here to post about abused children being easily influenced by adults, and if anyone had any contributions or idea on how I could become less easily influenced my self as I am a survivor of abuse?

so thats my question for the forum.

[IndianaLee]

Ozone, 

 

Thank you for the answer. I questioned how much I was abused, but I remember very much my mother and father divorcing and my mother hitting me in the mouth, etc, when I was young. She abused my father in my opinion and then used the state to do so, and I look back now and I see that this may have happened because my Grandfather, her father was given away and I think to compensate (during depression) he worked his whole life very hard. He had 3 jobs at at time, and was a strict disciplinarian, to the point of not thinking of doing what it took to gain control. (Control Freak) to most of his kids (All 12) though one died as a baby. Yes, I had that many aunts and uncles. Now, he paid for them all and took good care of them financially, etc, and I think my mother took after him which makes sense. 

Later in life when I was younger about 15 and they divorced I remember she tried to hit me and it didn't work. I just took it and it moved her back and I guess that was that as she never tried it again. She realized she couldn't really hurt me.  I didn't speak to her for years. She finally apologized and has tried to make it up to me and we are at least friends I should say. I think she did the best she could. I don't know how else to process this. 

Anyway, I'll try the journalling.  I think I've forgiven myself mostly, but sometimes I still find that I get very angry. I used to hate or get rage at folks that would try to control me in anyway or manipulate me. I did some awful things to others and I now realize why (Childhood). Not that much, but a couple times drinking. I used to drink heavily from time to time, though I quit when I realized what I was doing and I never drank again for the most part and now because of health issues (Stomach Hernia). Besides I was turned off by the puke. LOL.. Just kidding..

Anyway, thank you so much. I really appreciate your help and knowledge. I'll look into what you're speaking of. 

 

Oh, I have terrible chronic pain and fatigue. It's been terrible and I gained a lot of weight. Normally I was about 170 lbs 5'11 1/2''. Now I'm 210 lbs. Would yoga help with this do you think? I'd like to quit taking meds although I'm not taking much. But, I do take some pain killers for the joint pain and stiffness, and another med for foggy problems with cognitive problems. I go to a specialists and he's a great guy.

 

I do work part time. Enough to get by, but that's about it. I used to work in the IT field in the 90's but I became too ill to continue. Now I'm really working at a job that I'm over qualified I'm told. They are good enough to let me leave when needed and take off when needed as they are fine people and like me and I like them. Win win so to speak. :-) 

 

Sorry if this sounds like I'm rambling, I'm trying to do a couple things at once here, but again. Thank you sir. 

Anyone else that wants to to chime in with expertise or not, please do. I'm open to ideas and suggestions...

Regards

Tim

[ozone]

i think yoga is fine but you would want something gentle. eating right and not too much is how you will lose weight. your gaining weight cause you are less active and eating to much. the paleo diet is a good one. if you still get  very angry, you haven't forgiven your self, or someone else and you still have work to do on the emotions.  your intellect is saying you are over it, your ego is saying you have it under control and your heart is saying Im still angry and you have work to do. Again all my opinion... 

your a computer guy.. ok so you have to harness that logic and apply it to your situation. use goggle, search and find out whats good to eat, find out what herbs work good for lyme, find out what other people with lyme are trying... you know what i mean? take charge of it.  like when you find a computer that needs to be fixed and you check the ram.. but the rams fine, that's not a failure that's a success, now you dont have to look at the ram again. so you are on the the next thing...

i would try the herbs i said.. but hey wtf do i know? you take charge of it, you figure it out. My opinion is to get the lyme under control and then try to get as healthy as possible after that so that you are in shape...so you feel better, again hey! WTF do I know? You figure it out, it might sound harsh... but i firmly believe that if you take charge of it, you will do the best job of figuring it out, and when you hit an area you need help with go see a therapist or a doctor, but stay in charge!

 

[IndianaLee]

Hey Ozone, 

 

I appreciate all the advice. I really do..

 

I have really tried to figure it out as far as the illness went. Hardest thing I've ever done. The pain and stiffness is so intense I wanted to die at times. I mean it's the worst pain I've ever experience over time. It's a constant thing and it's like having a fucking wet suit on that's 5 times too small. This isn't a matter of will, but just biology I guess, but I'm so much better now than I used to be with meds. The weight is the biggest issue and it's like you said for sure about the eating and exercise. Hence the reason I asked more about the yoga. I went to probably 12 docs all in all while I was still working in the IT field full time when I became ill, first they swore as they tested me over and over again I probably, but didn't know for sure that I had MS, then it was test after test and nuero after neuro, etc, and finally I went to a surgeon and pain doc and he's the one that did the Chronic Lyme testing, and others that finally game me some answers. He also encourages the counseling aspect and insures that drugs aren't the only things used for the management of the pain, etc,.  

 

The first docs kept telling me I was depressed, and I of course at the time didn't see it, and maybe still don't. I was making great money, was doing my thing, but I did have the self awareness I have now, but that was 12 years ago or more when I became ill. The big problem at the time was that I couldn't get out of pain long enough to concentrate on fixing any problems, etc, and I found out it was because of the laws that doctors are afraid to really treat people with Chronic pain and other problems. This is kind of what helped me find philosophy, etc, as I wanted to know why anyone would have this type of thought, etc,. as it wasn't rational at all to me and my current doc. Finally the same great doctor dx'd me with ME, and then later with ME and Chronic Lyme. He's been treating me for years now and I've at least been able to work part time, but it's struggle.  Now of course, I'm wanting to make sure it's not just the Lyme, but I'm sure after learning more that the childhood trauma doesn't help of course. Anyway, I'm making progress, slowly, but surely! 

 

The Anger issues are pretty much under control unless someone really pushes my buttons and insists on being a dick, then the problem isn't getting angry if it's justified, but getting in a rage and saying things I wish I may not like later, etc, but I do have most of it under control I feel like but I'm for sure going to counsel much, much more. 

 

I'm looking into counseling now and it's just a little hard to find a good one here where I live, but I'll find one and will fix these problems of mental anxiety, but the physical thing is the thing that worries me as there is no cure from what I can see and learn about the illness. That doesn't mean I can't live a good life though. I just have to adjust. I've done much of that already. I'm going to continue to do so and more. 

 

Anyway, I just basically wanted to thank you very much. I really appreciate it. 

Tim

[ozone]

tim, you are welcome,  I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you can one day message me and say "i did it!" 


Thanking me is one thing, but you keep giving me they long descriptions of your circumstances and  problems that I really do not care about and no one else does either. Save your energy with these stories, as no one cares. Spend your energy finding answers,  you are in a fight for your life here and you are showing zero urgency to me, when you make these posts... you just don't seem to get it. You keep telling me you are fine when you are not fine. saying things like "i have anger problems but i dont really because blah blah blah."  

if you knew everything and everything you knew was correct, how come you arent doing great? Did you ever think about that?

 

 the physical thing is the thing that worries me as there is no cure from what I can see and learn about the illness.

I am telling you to question everything, and you say you do not have a problem with that... remember i said you are easily influenced and do not question things? You denied it.

If you believe that there is no cure, you will never look.

Read this statement about as many times as it takes to understand what im saying and then read it again. You believe this statement with out questioning it, "there is no cure for lyme disease."

When allopathic doctors say there is no cure, they mean they have not found a drug ( something that can be patented and sold ) or they do not have an operation that can fix the problem. that is all there is to them and that is all they are speaking of when they say no cure. 


i used google...just now... for 10 seconds.

and found this which says cats claw is effective and surprise... I told you to try it earlier.
http://www.naturalhealthmag.com/blogs/your-health/natural-treatment-lyme-disease

here is a page about ahcc 
http://ahccresearch.com/index.html

the other thing i recommended....is a wonder drug or sorts for immune systems.

 

So from my perspective and this is why im done.... in the first post I gave you gold, and you couldn't see it. In the second post I told you to use google and if you had you would have found the cats claw stuff, but I think that you are emotionally in the stage where action is overwhelming and you need therapy. 

You come back with thanks and with stories and beliefs that you can not be cured. this means i am failing you as a resource because I have not been able to reach you. It is because maybe it just not your time?

who knows.. but I have my own things to focus my energy on. 

If you want to thank me listen to this, this is what i want! This will have me feel like what I did was worth it!

1) no more replies thanking me and telling me stories.
2) get your self into therapy, no one should have to go through this alone.
3) at least look at the 2 books I recommended (links below) and the 2 herbs I posted before, and most importantly keep looking for answers!

http://www.amazon.com/You-Can-Heal-Your-Life/dp/0937611018
http://www.amazon.com/How-Forgive-When-You-Cant/dp/098243071X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1418331513&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+forgive+when+you+cannot

 

ok? I'm going to sever all contact with you now, its just for the best. 






 

[IndianaLee]

Wow, so much to ponder. Great points. Thank you again! I'll for sure do what I can. I totally agree with all you said! 

Thank you. 

 

Tim