Jurgmeister Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Looking to see what you all think about the way the mother acted on this and ho is this avoided in the first place? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJVpMod5JTA
Lars Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 First of all, it's disgusting and humiliating that this woman mockingly filmed her daughter's genuine frustration to be uploaded on the internet.The child desperately wishes to be heard, she doesn't want to be treated like garbage anymore.Does the mother listen? No, she's just a victim of this inexplicably explosive kid! Let's pretend this is about something trivial and laugh while admiring the resilience of supermom! Give me a break...Denying your child's emotional experience is sure to nurture a healthy future relationship!It seems like 0:35 was a significant turning point which changed an opportunity for connection into escalation. 7
Kaki Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I found this video very difficult to watch and think it is heartbreaking how the little girl is being treated. I was myself was not allowed to express anger, sadness or frustration as a child and seeing this girl feeling so desperate and alone tears me up. I have great empathy for her would handle a situation like this with a child completely different. Here are my thoughts about it: The absolute first thing I would do in such a situation is to put the camera down and be fully present with my child and her pain. The child is more important than hits on youtube, praise from other parents or whatever motive the mother might have filming her child in such a vulnerable and exposed moment. I believe it is important to let the child feel that her anger and frustration are neither threats to the bond with the parent nor is it something that can't be handled. I would want my child to feel loved even if she behaves inconvenient to me. I would like her to know that no anger outburst can break the bond. I would try to convey this by offering a hug and see if the girl is open for it. If not that is fine as well. I'd try to stay sensitive to when she might be open for it and offer it again at a later point. I would try to reaffirm what she is telling me and what she is acting out. The girl seems to be acting out what she can't express in words, my job as a parent would be to give her words for those emotions and a more appropriate way to express them. The girl is telling her mother repeatedly that she wants to talk to her and that she needs her. She seems completely overwhelmed with feelings she doesn't know how to handle and without any support or listening ear to help her. Instead of demonstrating to the child that anger is unacceptable and that not even the mother can handle it, a bit of curiosity would go a long way. The little girl in the video is very responsive to questions and is clearly wanting to communicate, to feel heard and understood. She is so quick to apologize and so desperate for her mother to forgive and listen to her, I imagine that just being calm, curious and comforting would do a lot to help the girl to calm down as well. I am currently reading a book called "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" by Naomi Aldort which I think is worth mentioning here. (I can strongly recommend it!) She has a whole chapter about tantrums and another about how to deal with your childs anger: "Tantrums: Crying for a Need or a Need for Crying?" and "Listening to Children's Anger") Aldort begins her book talking about what she calls the "S.A.L.V.E.- formular" which is basically a reminder of steps to help parents shift towards helping their child to let emotions be and act authentically. The "S" in S.A.L.V.E. stands for "Silent-Self-Talk" which means in this context something like RTR with yourself; finding out if the response to the child is authentic or if you as a parent react to something in your past which creates anxiety and makes you impulsively react in a certain way to your child. "A" is for attention. After investigating your own feelings focus your attention on the child "L" means listen to what your child is saying or acting out; asking questions, eye contact, letting the child know you understand. "V" is for validating the child emotions without dramatizing or minimizing and finally "E" is for empowering the child to resolve its own upset by getting out of her way. If feelings are expressed the child can either let go or come up with a solution herself. Aldort describes a child who throws a tantrum as "feeling helpless and in need for autonomy and a sense of dignity." She distinguishes between a child throwing a tantrum because of a need- for example something that is unchangeable or as a way to express pent-up emotions. In both cases she explains how important it is to not deny, minimize, distract, avoid or induce fear when a tantrum happens. In the chapter about anger Aldort explains how important it is to support the child by asking questions and listening to focus less on the blame part of the anger but of the pain/loss behind it. (Instead of focusing on "This is so unfair, I hate school!" to "I am sad I lost my little stamp.") 7
Peaceful Parent Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 +1 rep for Kaki. Really strong and informative post. Your first point of advice "be fully present with my child in her pain" is of critical importance. It's essentially the A & L letters of your posted SALVE acronym (attention & listen). By simply committing to being present in your child's pain you can make so much ground in actually healing their emotional wounds.
MysterionMuffles Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 infuriating...especially the dumbasses in the comments section. I think they piss me off more than the actual mother in the video because it's their support of abuse that allows this video to stay on Youtube as well as garner so many views. Seeing this was the first time I've felt like actually commenting in the Youtube videos. It's been a long time since I wanted to engage, I'm gonna have to ponder as to why I was possessed to keyboard warrior...knowing full well what kind of dumbass responses I'm gonna get from people who excuse abuse. I'll take it on. I don't care. 1
nathanm Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I'm glad there were no video cameras around when I was a kid. This personal stuff just doesn't belong online, but since it's here it would be great if instead of the cute or tantrum videos there was a tantrum + parents dealing with the situation peacefully category. Because THAT is what needs the millions of views. But the middle ground is never something people think is worthy of publishing. Few people want to stick a lens in front of 'Normal, Healthy' situations, only Hey Isn't This Cute? and Hey Isn't This Horrible?
PGP Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 Dis-gusting. Not much to add to above excellent points. One thing that stood out for me at the end was the mothers eyes. Complete speculation but from the eyes and her speech, there is the hint of a certain spacing-out like she's on some medication.
AynRand Posted December 10, 2014 Posted December 10, 2014 I was infuriated after watching this video. Brought up terrible memories with my own parents.
luxfelix Posted December 11, 2014 Posted December 11, 2014 I wish that parent knew about peaceful parenting...
maieesa Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I'm repulsed. This video makes me cry. The cruel callousness...The first thing that I would do, is just ask my daughter about her upset, ask her what she wants to do about it...I would let her know that I see how she feels and that she is okay being angry or sad and just let her feel the way she feels. Hug her and hold her, when she is ready to be comforted. and I would see if she wants to get physical and move that emotion through her body...as she is obviously trying to do for herself, when she sort of karate chops the air, and then throws things over, etcetera. Although, she probably wouldn't have been throwing things down, if she were just allowed to have her own emotional experience without derision and being videotaped, threatened, laughed at. I would NOT do any of what this woman does, that is for sure. 1
prolix Posted December 12, 2014 Posted December 12, 2014 I want to empty out the moms bank account and take all of her valuables and then stick a camera in her face and have a professional comedian mock and taunt her as she cries and throws a fit. Upload, boom, 2 million views...
MysterionMuffles Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 can we please get this video flagged and removed off Youtube? I finally watched it in full and I got a strong physiological response from the yelling and the demanding of the mother. When the girl was crying "sorry" and "I love you" I can tell she wanted to be heard, but her mother continued to bitch out. Furthermore, the dumb people in the comments is the main reason why I don't scroll down on Youtbe videos, but this time I let the cat of my curiousity get killed by such dumbassery...can we please all flag this and get it removed? I know there's more videos like this where parents record their children's most vulnerable and embarassing moments when they could've gotten love and attention, but this particular video really needs to go. 1 1
FireMinstrel Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 I'm glad we didn't have youtube back in 1987, as my dad filmed me having a fit as well. It was my fourth birthday, and he tried to shame me into stopping by implying that hundreds of people were going to see the movie and go "Is she CRYING?", and then encouraged me to deny it when asked that. He then tries to change the subject, which I wasn't having. Now, this video was erased by accident more than 20 years ago, so that's how vivid the memory is. The irony is that when my dad discovered the video had been erased, HE was the one who wound up crying. Unfortunately, we didn't actually have a video camcorder back then, so I couldn't try and turn the tables on him...nor would I have had the inclination to do so back then. :/ The comments section proves how we've got a long, long way to go... 1
MysterionMuffles Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 I really hate your dad, FM, for this instance and many others you've shared with me
yagami Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 This is horrible. What kills me is when the child starts to beg to talk to the mom and apologizes and says she loves her mom. The horrible mother started laughing at her. Minimizing her feeling afterwards about how she is upset because of a stamp. This shit pisses me off.
MysterionMuffles Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 I don't think my one report to Youtube will be enough, because whoever runs the flagging system might not see it as child abuse, sadly...would you all like to help get it taken down? It's sadly the most watched video on that woman's channel. 1 1
Dymaedh Posted December 18, 2014 Posted December 18, 2014 Heartbreaking. Poor little girl crying out for attention, begging for it hurts the most, and then being closed off behind a physical door and even more important, and an emotional door (to her mother). Notice the little chuckle from the mother when the girl throws her backpack in the garbage. Ridicule is something children quickly identify, more than most parents give them credit for. I believe that contributes to the escalation. I wish the mother understood the consequences of her breakdown in communication with her daughter. I wish I could give that little girl a hug.
Ansedar Posted December 19, 2014 Posted December 19, 2014 If I were a girl that's the name I would like to have "Sophia", which means "wisdom". For her mum I made up a new word... "echthrosophy", which if it would actually exist would mean the opposite of philosophy. 1
kahvi Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 I would have lent the girl my ear, given her a hug and said something along the lines of, "I'm sorry you lost your hand stamp, sweety. You must be angry and frustrated. Maybe we can come up with a way you can earn another one. How about you help mommy do some extra cleaning (dishes/laundry/garden, etc) this week?" Instead, she completely missed an opportunity to help her child find a solution to her problem and basically ridiculed her. The girl may learn that tantrums don't help, but her feelings are not being addressed. They're just being bottled up. And then there's the commenters, some even saying she should have spanked her! Ugh! I did put in my two-cents in the comments, for what it's worth.
MysterionMuffles Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 Praise be to you, kahvi, for backing me up with a ton of rationality in a comments section that so desperately needs it. It always feels very unnerving and isolating when I'm the only person in these videos speaking of something in defense of children. I don't seek out videos like this, but one or two others ones I received a lot of flack for simply being in the defense of children's emotions. Such horrible people plague the Youtube comment sections. I liked when you were only allowed to use your real name, it greatly reduced the amount of keyboard kourage.
kahvi Posted December 22, 2014 Posted December 22, 2014 Praise be to you, kahvi, for backing me up with a ton of rationality in a comments section that so desperately needs it. It always feels very unnerving and isolating when I'm the only person in these videos speaking of something in defense of children. I don't seek out videos like this, but one or two others ones I received a lot of flack for simply being in the defense of children's emotions. Such horrible people plague the Youtube comment sections. I liked when you were only allowed to use your real name, it greatly reduced the amount of keyboard kourage. Thank you! Are you "ShadowCrowX"? I'm glad I'm not alone in this one, too.
LovePrevails Posted December 30, 2014 Posted December 30, 2014 I am currently reading a book called "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" by Naomi Aldort which I think is worth mentioning here. (I can strongly recommend it!) She has a whole chapter about tantrums and another about how to deal with your childs anger: "Tantrums: Crying for a Need or a Need for Crying?" and "Listening to Children's Anger") Aldort begins her book talking about what she calls the "S.A.L.V.E.- formular" which is basically a reminder of steps to help parents shift towards helping their child to let emotions be and act authentically. The "S" in S.A.L.V.E. stands for "Silent-Self-Talk" which means in this context something like RTR with yourself; finding out if the response to the child is authentic or if you as a parent react to something in your past which creates anxiety and makes you impulsively react in a certain way to your child. "A" is for attention. After investigating your own feelings focus your attention on the child "L" means listen to what your child is saying or acting out; asking questions, eye contact, letting the child know you understand. "V" is for validating the child emotions without dramatizing or minimizing and finally "E" is for empowering the child to resolve its own upset by getting out of her way. If feelings are expressed the child can either let go or come up with a solution herself. Aldort describes a child who throws a tantrum as "feeling helpless and in need for autonomy and a sense of dignity." She distinguishes between a child throwing a tantrum because of a need- for example something that is unchangeable or as a way to express pent-up emotions. In both cases she explains how important it is to not deny, minimize, distract, avoid or induce fear when a tantrum happens. In the chapter about anger Aldort explains how important it is to support the child by asking questions and listening to focus less on the blame part of the anger but of the pain/loss behind it. (Instead of focusing on "This is so unfair, I hate school!" to "I am sad I lost my little stamp.")
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