Help with my self-knowledge

[implodewithmaiayan]

Hi! Would some people be willing to get on Skype and help me with some stuff that is really heavy on my soul that I really need someone to help with? Text is a nice way to spread information and knowledge, but I could use some good and helpful conversations.

 

The main thing I'm dealing with is maintaining my true self in public. There are instances where I'm very "myself", but most often it's extremely hard to keep my real personality at all times wherever I am. I can go outside, lose my "true self" and thus, act in a manner that I would not if I'm myself, go home, recover, and then be really disappointed with the way I unsuccesfully stayed "myself" that day in public. This is very painful. I'm aware it's very important not to self-criticise, which I have successfully worked a lot on, which helps, so I can often go home after a not-so-good experience outside, be myself, and not feel bad about it, since I know that this is a LONG process for everybody, especially for me, considering the hell I come from.

 

I feel it's EXTREMELY unconscious and psychological the way this so too often happens to me. It's almost as if I'm observing myself in the moment and confirming when I "lose my true self". "Ouch, it happened again. Oh well...". As if it's so beaten in to me that my body does this by default. So, I see myself when I cant, am aware of what's going on and what I do, let it happen when it happens, and am unable to sort of "snap out of it". Indeed very painful. I'd really like some help with this.

 

Thanks!

[Kevin Beal]

Sorry, I don't know about Skyping in the near future. But I hope me giving my thoughts through text (despite you asking not to) will be of some use.

 

What do you mean by "true self" and why would you want to be that 100% of the time?

 

I put on a persona when I'm out in public. I actually had to learn how to do this because I wasn't doing it before, and in not doing it, I was very anxious out in public. My therapist and I worked on a figurative mask I could wear so that my inner experience wasn't being broadcast at all times. A lot of people will react to your fear and insecurity with aggression because they feel offended on some level by it, like you are insulting them. A persona helps keep other people from attacking or exploiting you.

 

I don't know exactly what you are talking about, but I'm not convinced that your unconscious is doing you a disservice. In fact, I'm betting money, it's doing something very wise and protecting you.

 

Personally, I am not vulnerable with people unless they honor my vulnerability, or I'm trying to show strength through my vulnerability and encourage other people to do the same. I consider it an honor rather than an expectation. And treating yourself like you should just be vulnerably yourself all the time doesn't strike me as honoring it.