The path to self knowledge

[Mothra]

I'm fairly new here and have been mostly lurking. I get inspired by so many of your stories. But I'm having trouble knowing exactly how to go about it myself. I'm not in a position right now to start therapy, so I've basically just been winging it on my own for the past month or so - reading stuff here, listening to Stef's podcasts, journaling a little bit, thinking a lot. But I feel like a big mess of emotions and thoughts and I don't know if it's really helping or making me feel crazy. I'm not sure what parts I should be focusing on to begin with. What is the difference between digging up your past and actually processing it? Is there more to it than simply remembering things and accepting them? How did you all begin your journies?

 

What are your thoughts on timing? If there is financial, logistical stress going on in ones life should you wait until that clears to undertake self knowledge? I tend to think the sooner the better, but I am also concerned that different stressors may combine, making it difficult to sort out what is what.

 

[Jeridan Kowal]

Hey! It's great to hear you're trying to gain emotional understanding of yourself even with difficulties.

I can really relate to your feelings of being sort of abuzz with thoughts and being a mess. I think that's perfectly natural and probably important.

To this day I still get those feelings but I rather enjoy it now as part of a process of understanding what it is I want out of life or a particular moment.

I'm not really sure what differences may be for you regarding your past and acceptance. One thing is for sure though, all of what you are going through right now, is not happening so that
you simply stay awake at night. These thoughts/feelings are there to drive you to action! I don't know what that action for you is, for myself, it was talking with my parents about the past and seeing their reaction to what I was saying. That was a few years ago now...and still, I am constantly changing things about myself: my diet, addictive habits, sleep time, seeking positive time for myself, questioning my relationships.

About the timing thing, yeah I think sooner the better too. But if you feel it's going to be too stressful on yourself financially, try to find some alternatives. Good friends, maybe even FDR members in your area.
Almost all the life coaches/therapists/counsellors I've spoken with have expressed wanting to be as accessible as possible, especially to people with money issues. 

One last bit of my own experience that I hope is helpful: Constantly ask yourself how you are feeling at any given moment. Not necessarily that you'll uncover some hidden secret, but rather because that builds a sort of self to self rapport over time. I'm constantly swept up in this inner dialogue between what I feel is my main self and these other parts who are not always in unison. 
Treat yourself like a child and ask yourself curious, loving questions about your motivations, behaviours, and those of others too. There are no wrong answers if you ask with genuine compassion and curiosity.

How do you coax a frightened animal out of hiding? With tenderness and maybe a deliciously curious snack

 

I hope that helps and keep up with the journaling!

[Kaki]

There are threads about book recommendations you can search for, but let me give you a few here again:

 

Nathaniel Branden: The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

- or basically anything by Branden (Honoring the Self; The Psychology of Self-Esteem; How to Raise Your Self-Esteem) Nathaniel Branden died recently- you might have seen Stef's farewell. Here is Stef's interview with him from 2009.

 

John Bradshaw: Healing the Shame that binds you

This one is about shame, how it becomes toxic, how to work with it etc. Have a look at the link, there is a rather long excerpt in the Amazon listing. (Bradshaw is bit mystical/religious at times, still there is a lot of interesting material in his books.)

It is also worth it to search Youtube for playlists with John Bradshaw; You will find whole lectures about, healing shame and inner child work.

 

Jay Earley: Self-Therapy

If you are interested in IFS, this might be a good start. It is very easily explained and might give you a possible answer to your question about what "parts" you could focus on to begin with.

 

Alice Miller: pretty much anything really, but The Drama of the gifted Child is a good one to start with.

 

I don't know if addiction is a subject for you but this one is the book to read if it is:

Gabor Maté: In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts

 

You might have already come across this website by Peter Gerlach (here is his Youtube channel).

He has tons of material which could be helpful for you as well.

 

If you are more looking for something about relationships Stef's Real-time Relationships is here.

and there is another IFS book on the subject (I thought this one was really helpful as well) is by Richard Schwartz:You Are the One You've Been Waiting For

 

I think all of these are good starting points.

 

 

 

 Is there more to it than simply remembering things and accepting them? How did you all begin your journies?

 

When we are abused as children we have to find ways to survive and cope with it, so we develop different strategies to protect ourselves. These strategies range from addiction, self-harm, aggression to white knighting and many, many more.

As children our whole view of the world is being shaped, our beliefs about ourselves and others, our values, how society functions etc.

Unfortunately one can not work through those by just remembering ones past and accepting it. There is much more to it.

 

 

 

What are your thoughts on timing? If there is financial, logistical stress going on in ones life should you wait until that clears to undertake self knowledge? I tend to think the sooner the better, but I am also concerned that different stressors may combine, making it difficult to sort out what is what.

 

Before I worked with my therapist I started out similarly like you with journaling, reading, listening to podcasts and talking to people.

I found that particularly if there is a lot of stress and pressure it is important to set some time aside for yourself and to reflect. This doesn't have to be a lot of time but I found it very valuable to check in with myself regularly to see how I feel and to spend some time with those thoughts and feelings.

 

I would absolutely recommend working with a therapist. If there is any way for you to see someone who is good, it is the best way you can spend your money and time.

 

Journaling - as you said- is helpful.

I can also recommend starting a dream journal. There is a really helpful thread on that here with links to books and podcasts.

 

Hope that helps!