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Sticking up for a spanked-9-yr-old


FattyWatt

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My Xmas included this family: 

I'm Watt (female, 30),

Fatty (male, 30ish),

my dad (60),

my aunt (56ish),

my cousin Sacha (female, 40ish)

& her daughter Ky (female, 9)

 

Note1---My cousin Sacha has epilepsy & had a tumor, so she had an icecream-scoop-size of her brain removed (right after she had Ky).

Note2---Cuz of that, Sacha is really child-like in her actions & reactive, like a teenager.

Note3---My dad, aunt, Sacha & Ky all live together.

 

 

Xmas yesterday, I had a great day w/everyone.

 

At dinner Ky slapped her mom(Sacha) on the hand & hissed at her. I said that wasn't very nice. I talked to my family about how to be nice & correct that behavior. Ironically I was mentioning about how that behavior could result from bad punishment, like spanking.  Sacha heard me say the word spanking & said "Oh spanking? I just spanked Ky lastnight!"---she said that with a smile on her face!  I said "No, I was saying how spanking was a bad thing & abusive & that's why Ky hits you!".   She kept trying to defend spanking!  Every1 else got quiet.  After going back & fourth awhile, Sacha says "It was Xmas Eve! Well when you're a mother, you'll understand".  I was so mad, I couldn't tap into my FDR-brain, I retorted "oh well, when you get a Playstation4 you'll understand where I'm coming from!  You don't abuse your kids, spanking is abuse! I don't spank Fatty, hell! Can I spank you, Sacha? Are you gonna spank her when she's 16? Spanking people isn't normal, it's violence!".

 

Sacha is getting more mad/yelling, then poor Ky (thinking about how she'll have to deal w/her mad-mom, later...)  says "it's okay, I think I made her spank me, cuz of how I was acting".

I said, "no you didn't Ky & that's not the right way for her to deal with punishing you. You should never be spanked. Spanking is a tool.  You see this (butter)knife, Ky? I could use this tool to punish you, but I never will!! Your mom has other ways to deal with this"

Sacha, gives me the silent treatment! While my dad exclaims "yeah! you could have the naughty corner"

I said "yeah, thats better than spanking! It's not smacking a kid, the naughty corner's not-violent"

Everyone else keeps eating, still silent.  My aunt says "well, lets try to change the subject", I said "No! I'd rather have this awkward silence to punish Sacha for being violent".

Sacha gets so mad, she walks away to her room for the rest of the night.

Eventhough noone supported me while I was arguing w/Sacha (probably cuz they all have to live with her), they ALL started saying to Ky,  "well you can come in my room, for a safe-place, if you're scared that you're gonna be spanked or even just scared when your mom's angry" etc.

I said "thank you guys, that's what I wanted, was to give Ky another option...spanking IS violence/abuse & that is NOT an option!"

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That's an incredibly brave thing for you to do, to bring up that topic and speak the truth. Fantastic :)

 

I appreciate ur reassurances!! Because I got so much blowback, I wasn't sure it was a good thing (it just made me nervous).  Thanks so much! & I'll keep working on hammering that nail!

 

 

Awesome. Dare I say.. heroic! Is there any chance of convincing the mother to stop spanking altogether?

 

If I could get her to stop spanking I would.

I think I made quite an impression on her. I still have some of that family trying to defend the poor-disabled-mother(the spanker), "we were all spanked & oh she rarely does it" ... I say, "I don't care!! then it's even easier for her STOP the abuse".   I'm starting to understand *shaming* is a valid/great way to get people within the family to think about what they're doing.... & possibly change ;)  ("family" does care about what u think because they have to see u again&again)

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You insistence against spanking was exceedingly brave. Brain tumor or no, your cousin shouldn't be hitting her child.

 

A few thoughts popped into my head while reading you account of the evening that might have some relevance to the discussion on spanking and punishment.

 

Where is the child's father?

 

I've heard it repeated many times that timeouts are worse for children than spanking because it is a form of emotional ostracism. Spending 20 minutes coerced into the corner and told not to move is torture for children, and many will act out on purpose to provoke corporal punishments rather than spend any amount of time isolated.

 

Punishment shouldn't be in the bag of tools at all when in comes to raising peaceful children.

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