You're Just Remembering That Wrong

[AynRand]

Recently I brought up many issues that I take with my parents. In my opinion I think I had really great answers to all of their argument's except for one. "You're Just Remembering That Wrong" At this point in the conversation I was saddened because I didn't really know how to answer that statement.

 

Here is the response that I came up with something to the effect of "Let's accept the hypothesis that one of us is remembering this wrong. Their is no way to provide real concrete evidence supporting or refuting that idea so the logical conclusion would be to just assume I am right because If I just always assume I am wrong that makes life a little more difficult to live."

 

Looking back on it it isn't a great response and I think I have better ones, but I was just curious to see if you guys had any good refutations to the common argument You're Just Remembering That Wrong. I could really use some help because undoubtedly my parents will bring up that argument again, and I want to be prepared for next time. 

Thank you so much.

[Jeridan Kowal]

Hey man, I'm glad you were able to talk with your parents about things in the past.

I too received this response when confronting them about our history.
It's an infuriating comment to make especially towards someone you've hurt. I definitely didn't feel heard or felt in any way
that my parents were taking what I was saying seriously. 
 

What I understand from the argument, "You're just remembering it wrong," is that there is a great deal of minimizing going on.
While my memory isn't perfect, my emotional memory is quite accurate. So in that case, it doesn't matter too much what someone meant to make me feel, the evidence is that I felt a certain way.
 

Besides, is the version of events you describe wildly inaccurate? We all have our own version of the truth that we want other people to listen to and understand. Telling someone that they are remembering things wrongly isn't curious or an expression of wanting to explore the possible truth. It's an assertion meant to shut you down, to stop you from remaining critical.
It seems that it worked in the conversation as you say you became sad and didn't know how to respond.

 

As for what you can do or say for next time... I'm not really sure. It was always really frustrating for me to sort of, lead my parents in discussion regarding how I want to be spoken to or with. 
I could repeat what they said and show how it was minimizing or tell them what words to use so I didn't feel too attacked.
But in the end, our conversations became me just explaining how I felt in the past, in the present, and seeing how my parents reacted. Were they curious? Were they deeply concerned with what I had to say even if it hurt? 

I let go feeling like I had to argue with them about what was correct in my memory. Instead, I passively observed how they took the truth from my most inner self. I was vulnerable to them and I waited to see what would happen.

[J. D. Stembal]

I find this kind of response to be infuriating. Luckily, it's easy to call bullshit on. My parents have conflicting accounts of their own marriage, let alone my childhood. I would assume the child is correct because he the least corrupted by the poison of society when events transpired. Parents like to believe in a this fairy tale existence where the family of the past was perfect, and now it has suddenly turned rotten, otherwise why would you be bringing up protestations?

 

On the phone, I asked my mom why she fought with my dad so much when I was young. Her response was, "That's how people who love each other act." It's the same crap both of them told me when I was a child. Why does she think I will believe the same excuses for being terrible people?

[MagnumPI]

Ask how they think it went down. Then dissect that nonsense. They'll use words like "all the time", "never" and "always" a lot. The one thing to keep in mind is they believe it. To someone living in obscurity without empathy and self awareness, you are full of shit. The idea that there can be only one true account or description of the events is unfathomable. I've even seen it written on facebook, by an idiot, that they don't believe in objectivity. At all.

[AynRand]

Thank you so much for your responses. I'll take your advice MagnumPI.

[Carl Green]

Try mirroring it back to them.

 

"no, you're the one remembering it wrong"

 

as you're both going off of your word, there's no way to prove either way. (so you might as well talk about the here and now)

[prolix]

I would give it to them "Ok, I may be remembering it wrong". But the new situation that you may be remembering another situation wrong is also significant. What you specifically remember is kinda secondary to how you feel. So you could say "I may have mis-remembered the situation but I still feel badly about it and I still am uncomfortable with our current relationship and if I mis-remember the situation then I am doing that for a reason".

 

But really, if you are attempting to have an honest relationship with someone it does not really matter what device they use to invalidate you and resist you. The point of interest is that they are resisting and invalidating your attempts at an honest conversation...