Can we take some unimportant secrets to the grave?

[William Wyatt]

Obviously we should share the secrets that will have some sort of effects on the trust of the relationship, mistakes we've made, people we've hurt etc. 

But is it bad to withhold information that doesn't really effect anything? 
Should john tell judy that he tasted his own feces when he was 7? 
Should he tell her that he has masturbated to weird types of pornography? 
That he once couldn't find a toilet so did a poo in someones garden? 
That he was a bit of a slop in his late teens and had a filthy bedroom? 

If I was johnny I surely wouldn't expect judy to tell me her secrets if this type. I'm sure most people have their little gross secrets. I'd be more concerned with the big ones. So can we take these to the grave and still have a healthy life?
 

[Wuzzums]

I think that if John is thinking about whether or not to tell those things to Judy then those secrets are more important to him than they are objectively. Or maybe John is not comfortable enough with who he is so he has to hide certain aspects of his life to not sully the image he built and presented to Judy.

[ParaSait]

Your post seems contradictory, first you're saying that they're unimportant secrets, but then you're asking "So can we take these to the grave and still have a healthy life?". If they're unimportant, then surely it won't affect any kind of health. Can you clarify what you mean?

[Crallask]

There are people who can do all sorts of immoral things and still live relatively well adjusted. So the question of -can- is a yes. 

 

I focus more on the truths and the "should."

 

Hope that helps ya.

[Pepin]

If I was on my deathbed and I started spilling dirty little secrets of my life, I would expect my friends and family to change the subject to something they cared about, like my impending death and the relationships we shared. Unless I hid millions in the wallpaper, I can not see them even wanting to hear about the various secrets I had.

 

Is the question "is it healthy for me to keep secrets now, and to plan to never tell them?". Depends on the contents, but certainly yes for those examples. If it is something like "the buisness I am leaving behind is a sham, I cooked the books", then that is different.

[William Wyatt]

There are people who can do all sorts of immoral things and still live relatively well adjusted. So the question of -can- is a yes. 

 

I focus more on the truths and the "should."

 

Hope that helps ya.

Well replace the 'can' with a 'should' in response to my questions instead of just criticizing my poor choice of words, you know what I mean... 

I want to know the SHOULD. I kind of wanted  yes or no answer and nobody has given it, 

[dsayers]

Well replace the 'can' with a 'should' in response to my questions instead of just criticizing my poor choice of words, you know what I mean... 

I want to know the SHOULD. I kind of wanted  yes or no answer and nobody has given it, 

 

This seems like the simultaneous rejection and acceptance of the value of precision.

 

Your honesty is like any property of yours: You are free to give and withhold it as you see fit. If somebody is not important enough to you to be honest with them, then what difference would it make if you withheld anything from them? If somebody is important enough to you to be honest with them, what would sharing that you once sampled feces while on your death bed accomplish?

 

Maybe you didn't get just a yes or a no because it's not clear exactly what you are asking. Maybe it's because it's complex enough that yes or no doesn't satisfy the perceived inquiry.

[WasatchMan]

Yes.

 

How would sharing those secrets benefit you are anyone around you? How is anyone entitled to secrets that have no bearing on the conditions of your relationship with them?

 

The only way I could see even wanting to do this was if there was someone you were close to and trusted but they were very poorly adjusted and self critical, and your hope in sharing these types of secrets would for them to reflect on their view of other people and not hold themselves to too high of a standard and self attack.

[Bouncelot]

When you are "there" with someone. Truly comfortable and open, this stuff either comes out or doesn't.

If it does, then it can in a weird way be a bonding experience. A secret shared, showing them you trust them with it. It can become an inside joke. It can also just be exposing all aspects of your character to them to create a greater understanding.

 

If it doesn't come out, then it wasn't important.

 

If you have to wonder or ask if you should say anything; I would think that you may not be "there" yet.