What to do? (my uncle talking about spanking)

[UnchartedB]

Hi!

 

I have been reading and watching a lot of stuff from Tony Robbins and others about self development and so on and one of the things they talk about is that you are the average of those you surround yourself with and to try to keep toxic people away from your circle. 

 

My uncle has a 5 year old daughter and just today he was talking with my mother about how he beats his daughter (rarely) and that at a recent birthday party he didn't beat one of the kids for misbeaving because the parents were there are he says they are ones that should do it. It makes me angry and sad at the same time hearing this from my uncle. I am 18 years old (almost 19), living in my parents home and I was also spanked as I child.

 

So my question is: What should I do? Should I remove toxic people from my life, including family, or try to somehow reason with them? My uncle seems to me to be a good person and I think maybe offering him some books about peaceful parenting would help but I am very shy and don't know how I would go about it.

 

Another question: Sorry there's something else I wanna ask  . My parents and all family members (to my knowledge) are statists. From your guys' experiences do you recommend I try to only surround myself with anarchists and kill all toxic relationships, even with my parents?

 

 

If you've read this far, thank you very much!

[shirgall]

I suggest that the first step is gathering information. How open are your family members to reason and evidence. Do they have honest arguments where any participant is willing to change their mind given sufficient cause? Who would be your allies in proposing and supporting peaceful parenting?

 

These are crucial factors in making the determination that someone is truly toxic and must be avoided.

 

In my opinion, surrounding yourself with people that have honest, empathic discussions is more important than the particular tenets they might follow. In contrast, a toxic relationship is one that more often than not harms you by continuing it. There are books about "emotional vampires" that help with identifying the types.

 

Of course, I'm selfish in this answer, because 1) I am on a journey of change to peaceful parenting 2) I am not a perfect philosopher. 

[UnchartedB]

I suggest that the first step is gathering information. How open are your family members to reason and evidence. Do they have honest arguments where any participant is willing to change their mind given sufficient cause? Who would be your allies in proposing and supporting peaceful parenting?

 

These are crucial factors in making the determination that someone is truly toxic and must be avoided.

 

In my opinion, surrounding yourself with people that have honest, empathic discussions is more important than the particular tenets they might follow. In contrast, a toxic relationship is one that more often than not harms you by continuing it. There are books about "emotional vampires" that help with identifying the types.

 

Of course, I'm selfish in this answer, because 1) I am on a journey of change to peaceful parenting 2) I am not a perfect philosopher. 

 

Thanks for your reply!

 

I think they are somewhat willing to change their mind but from the only time I have ever brought it up (anarchy) the conversation didn't last long. From personal experience and other people's stories I have read it's difficult to change your mind in a conversation and it's a lot easier when you are alone reading or watching videos and digesting information at your own pace. It's difficult for most people (including me) to admitt that they were wrong after all. 

 

My father has a bit of an abusive relationship with my mother, I think he has never hit her but he yells at her and doesn't treat her very well. And my mother has been in a depression for a decade and it's very difficult to argue with her because she will bring up fallacies (if I am not mistaken that's what they are called) like: "Well but everybody does it, so they can't all be wrong and you right.". Besides I have years of self knowledge yet to develop and philosophy. It's really hard for me to have a conversation with someone who doesn't agree with me because I feel like I am under attack (probably because of the abuse I suffered as a child both from my parents and also public schooling). I has developed a sense of what I can only describe as: me against the world. It's gotten better but it used to feel like I was all alone and nobody understood what I was saying.

 

An example of this is that when I was younger everytime I would get grounded or hit I would ask why? I always wanted to know why. But more often then not they wouldn't tell me and that really pissed me off. And I didn't want to be the type of person that does something just because they are told to so I would get grounded for hours for not saying a single word or making a small movement that would have taken seconds. This feeling of being a victim further reinforced the lack of trust I had in my parents.

 

The feeling I have now that I understand what the state is (I went from wanting to become a president when I was younger) that everyone around me who supports the state is pointing a gun at me. They are supporting an organization that will shoot me if I don't pay them (taxes) and refuse to be kidnapped (jail). 

 

 

Sorry for the rant this is very personal and I got carried away. 

[shirgall]

No, the rant is good. Don't be sorry about it, you should feel as this is a safe place to rant anyway.

 

It sounds to me like you need to find more supportive and stimulating people to talk to. You might want to consider joining or organizing a meet-up just to get a chance of pace.

 

If people are abusive and unlikely to change, then yes, you have to investigate how to protect yourself from their actions and influence. This is not easy. I think the first steps involve self-knowledge and therapy (a safe but insightful emotional coach, if you will), but everyone is different.

 

The reason I keep trying to make things personal is that there is very little that can be done about the state as an individual, It is better to identify the actions you can take and the other individuals you can influence and/or help you grow in return.

[surfingthoughts]

Hi welcome to the forums, shirgall has given some great replies in my opinion. One of the first things I did when I started this journey (which admittedly I'm still in the early stages of) is start therapy and is one of the best things I've done / still doing. I know this doesn't answer any of your questions but I just wanted to add this in here.

 

A few tips that might be relevant:

You said your shy there will be reasons for this which are worth exploring in depth but in the meantime remind yourself your an adult the anxiety/fear/conflict avoidance was useful to you as a child it stopped you getting hit as much or worse but you are no longer a child. Your not going to die.

 

Be gentle and patient with yourself, explore things, journaling is great for this.

 

Try and be aware of what's going on as much as possible in the moment.

 

Be curious when talking to your parents (or anyone for that mater) the likely hood is you will want to manipulate their response.

 

You don't have to do anything you really don't but there are things that will be helpful and things that will be quite the opposite, its up to you to discover these truths and make choices based upon them, take your time, see a therapist before making big decisions.

[UnchartedB]

Hi welcome to the forums, shirgall has given some great replies in my opinion. One of the first things I did when I started this journey (which admittedly I'm still in the early stages of) is start therapy and is one of the best things I've done / still doing. I know this doesn't answer any of your questions but I just wanted to add this in here.

 

A few tips that might be relevant:

You said your shy there will be reasons for this which are worth exploring in depth but in the meantime remind yourself your an adult the anxiety/fear/conflict avoidance was useful to you as a child it stopped you getting hit as much or worse but you are no longer a child. Your not going to die.

 

Be gentle and patient with yourself, explore things, journaling is great for this.

 

Try and be aware of what's going on as much as possible in the moment.

 

Be curious when talking to your parents (or anyone for that mater) the likely hood is you will want to manipulate their response.

 

You don't have to do anything you really don't but there are things that will be helpful and things that will be quite the opposite, its up to you to discover these truths and make choices based upon them, take your time, see a therapist before making big decisions.

I never got to reply because I was in a hurry, I know it's a little late but I just wanted to say thank you for your advice. I am planning on having some life coaching lessons and also reading a lot of books that I think will help me.

Also I think the feelings of anxiety/fear/conflict are still justifiable because I am living with my parents and I am not financially independent (I have 3000 euros saved up but that's not much). For example, I haven't told my parents that I am an anarchist (I brought it up, but just the general topic), but if I do my father will most likely think there is something wrong with me and associate anarchy with chaos and he might make me go back to school (I dropped out). Of course I could refuse to do so and leave home but I have never lived on my on and so it's very scary.

[surfingthoughts]

I never got to reply because I was in a hurry, I know it's a little late but I just wanted to say thank you for your advice. I am planning on having some life coaching lessons and also reading a lot of books that I think will help me.

Also I think the feelings of anxiety/fear/conflict are still justifiable because I am living with my parents and I am not financially independent (I have 3000 euros saved up but that's not much). For example, I haven't told my parents that I am an anarchist (I brought it up, but just the general topic), but if I do my father will most likely think there is something wrong with me and associate anarchy with chaos and he might make me go back to school (I dropped out). Of course I could refuse to do so and leave home but I have never lived on my on and so it's very scary.

You are more than welcome, could you expand on the life coaching what will it include and why would you prefer this compared to therapy? You are an adult now a young adult but an adult non the less you always have choices but with choices have consequences. Like you said you could move out and get a job so this fear of conflict is a consequence of staying at home. I'm not saying this is what you should do but I think it is important to know your options this helps in decision making. Please I can't stress this enough if you are even considering this see a therapist before making decisions. Another option is to move into a hostel (a working hostel if possible) there are many of these in Australia which is where I am now but I don't know about your location. There you will not be alone and you can learn how to save money and other life skills plus there will be tips on how to get the best jobs (first jobs rather than long term jobs). People come and go so it's a good way to practice interacting with people in a curious way. This wouldn't really be a long term option I mean these places attract unstable people but at least everyone knows that all relationships are voluntary this option would be more of a stepping stone, at least in my opinion.

 

Right now with your father you are manipulating or managing his mood by presuming (probably correctly as you know him very well) that there will be negative consequences and thus you don't speak with him about this. I am not criticising I know this is very hard I am just pointing this out. Life is much more fun when you stop trying to manage people and just be curious and make choices based on their responses. Your an adult now you are in control of your life. You may have very good reason to do this at the moment but being aware of your current situation is also important in decision making.