How to help my niece

[kahvi]

My sister had my niece. Meggan, back in 1989, when she was only 19 years old. I was 15 at the time. I remember that at that age, I had very little empathy and very low emotional intelligence. When I heard stories of people being hurt, whether they be kids or adults, I tended to shrug it off and go about my day. I don't know if I was similar to most teenagers or if I had an issue that stemmed from my childhood upbringing, but that's not the topic for another day. I'll just say, that I'm a completely different person now. I feel deep, emotional stress when I hear about children being hurt. I wish I had been this way when Meggan was born, because I could have helped her to avoid the life she has made for herself up until now.

 

Both of her parents, my sister and her husband, were authoritarians. My sister spanked her, but her husband used to make Meggan strip down naked before her beat her with a belt. At the time, I had no idea he did that, but I reasoned that spanking was necessary. I never hit Meggan, but I did used to manipulate her, shame her and terrorize her in sadistic ways. I would make promises to her in order to get her to do my bidding, but then would back out of my promises. I'd yell at her to make her cry and when she did, I'll run to hug her. It makes me sick to think of the things I did to her.

 

Meggan now suffers from a whole range of issues. She's addicted to pain-killers, is on anti-depressants, has never held a job for more than a year or so, and has been trouble with the law many times. She is half-black, so my sister and her grandparents often accuse the police of being racist and unfairly targeting Meggan. But, she has been involved with selling prescription drugs for some time now and she was recently sent to prison.

 

Many times before she left, I had apologized to her for how I had treated her. She's accepted my apology and I don't think she's even aware of how much my actions have had in a hand in her current predicament. She's going to be in prison for 3 years, and I've been sending her letters regularly, but I would like to do more, particularly when she gets out.

 

I don't have enough money to pay for her therapy. She was on Medicaid and had been seeing a therapist, but that particular therapist's idea of therapy was pretty much just giving Meggan anti-depressants. She'd see Meggan for about 15 minutes out an hour long session, give her her script and send her on her way. I don't see medication as a means to help her at all! In fact, since she's been in prison and hasn't been allowed to take her meds, she says she feels much better and her mind is much clearer.

 

Anyway, I want to do something to help her instead of just constantly apologizing. I'd like to maybe send her some books, give her some good advice without sounding preachy. I'd like to help her when she gets out. I can't afford therapy for her, but I can give her my time. Are there any things that you guys recommend? Any books you recommend I send to her? I have to use Amazon to send stuff, but the way. I tried to order one of Stefan's books for her, but realized it was only available in digital copies. Any advice would help. Thanks guys.

[quickstine]

Sounds like she needs someone to listen to her. A good listener is hard to find. You could be that person.

[Ruben Zandstra]

Are you on speaking terms with your sister?

[J. D. Stembal]

My sister had my niece. Meggan, back in 1989, when she was only 19 years old. I was 15 at the time. I remember that at that age, I had very little empathy and very low emotional intelligence. When I heard stories of people being hurt, whether they be kids or adults, I tended to shrug it off and go about my day. I don't know if I was similar to most teenagers or if I had an issue that stemmed from my childhood upbringing, but that's not the topic for another day. I'll just say, that I'm a completely different person now. I feel deep, emotional stress when I hear about children being hurt. I wish I had been this way when Meggan was born, because I could have helped her to avoid the life she has made for herself up until now.

Anyway, I want to do something to help her instead of just constantly apologizing. I'd like to maybe send her some books, give her some good advice without sounding preachy. I'd like to help her when she gets out. I can't afford therapy for her, but I can give her my time. Are there any things that you guys recommend? Any books you recommend I send to her? I have to use Amazon to send stuff, but the way. I tried to order one of Stefan's books for her, but realized it was only available in digital copies. Any advice would help. Thanks guys.

 

Your intentions are honorable. It's shows your character that you want to make up for how you treated her as a child. However, I don't think you could have prevented or helped your niece avoid prison. You are not her mother. You didn't decide to bring your niece into the world. It's on her mother to make things right, as far as that is possible. Ultimately, your niece needs to help herself.

 

You can be supportive without being financially supportive. Books are a great idea. I very much liked In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts for the stories on addiction, but I stopped reading the book once the author gave parents "who did the best they could" a free pass from guilt and started blaming white colonists for the multi-generational cultural collapse of Native Americans. I will no longer recommend Gabor Mate's book to anyone who seeks to pursue rational thought, but it may still have limited value for its insight into the nature of addiction in the brain.