Abandon Ship! DeFooing. What am I afraid of?

[SoFistDecayDead]

Greetings, I am currently 23 years old, and I lived through what I believe to be an emotionally abusive childhood. I hold an ACE score of 6, and feel intense frustration just speaking to either of my parents. I have a younger brother (2 years younger) born of my mother by a different man, and an older brother (12 years older) from my father with a different woman. 

 

I was raised almost exclusively by my mother, who from what I understand, only copulated with my father under pressure of the "Biological Clock" and social pressures of other girl friends being pregnant, or already being mothers. Though, as long as I can remember, my father was never close to the woman. To the point where she would find another man, who was engaged to another woman who is now his wife, and have a child by him, resulting in my little brother. Me and my brothers would all be raised by a single mother, who worked 14 hours a day 7 days a week for a dozen years.

 

Most of my childhood before public school I cannot actively remember, however, everything from around age 5 (when schooling started for me) till now I can very vividly recall. I would go through a decade of gruesome treatment. Due to my mother's constant working, there was much wealth in the household, and it showed in our possessions and wardrobe, but the schools were predominantly children of lower class income. In kindergarten, I was still not trained to use the toilet when necessary, so I wore diapers till the age of 6, and was teased for it almost daily in my first year and a half of school. I would leave the diapers at 6 to only find myself being regularly bullied physically and emotionally for being overweight. By around the 5th grade, I would start wearing a large jacket every day of school to avoid showing my stomach, and would develop a problem with defecating myself at school. I was very rarely bullied for such, but was once brought into a counselor's office to discuss classmates complaining of my odor. My peers would leave me alone, but grow very distant. Only other child I regularly spoke to at this time deeply enjoyed punching me in the upper arm, and I would let him do such every day for months simply for the ability to speak to someone. Then comes junior high.

 

First year of junior high involved me actually making a few friends early, but would find myself being one of, if not the only, middle-class African-American children in a lower-class predominantly Mexican school. When not with my friends, I was brutally bullied for my weight, race, economic standing, and grade level being out of line with the norm. Second year of junior-high, I would lose touch with those friends, and the abuse grew much more intense. I regularly had objects throw at me and was openly referred to as "Fatass" by a large amount of peers. Friends and communities to integrate with were non-existent, so I would eat lunch by myself, and stay distant. One day i would threaten to physically harm some of my abusers, and would hit one of the many, and was suspended for a week, whereas the others received a couple days of suspension. After this incident, the physical abuse stopped, but emotional abuse went forward, and I would redevelop the problem of defecating myself for several months, and would gain a lot of weight till high school.

 

High school, the physical abuse stops completely, as I became morbidly obese yet still physically capable. Mental abuse sees new heights in brutality. First 2 years would have me finding many cunning abusers who would befriend me only to take my belongings, or demand I give them some access to my belongings. After sophomore year, my mother would lose her job of 13 years and the house around the 2008 market crash. We would then move about 50 miles away, and I would feel the opportunity to change myself with hopes of better treatment. I would put up a facade of an individual with higher self esteem and conformity, to find most of the obvious forms of abuse vanishing. I would keep this up and actually make a few friends who seemed to deeply value talking to me, but most of the relations would grow stale, as few of them knew me and my past, or were built upon a single foundation, such as video games or music.

 

After graduating, I would build an immense video game and internet addiction. Both of which would be my main focus in life till around early 2013 when I would learn of FreedomainRadio. I would listen to the shows when I was bored, or when playing certain video games, and around early 2014 I would start to get the first itches of "trying it out." Results were explosive! My mother and brothers would not care to understand a word of the "New Me," and was dismissed as destructive by them. We would reach a financial situation where myself, my mother, and little brother had to move in with different parts of the family. I with my father, my younger brother with his father, and my mother with her aunt. I can't help but feel the "New Me" that was emerging was putting the family on shaky ground.

 

Now to the present. I now live with my father, and after him being mostly absent, I would quickly learn why, he has an absurd drug/alcohol addiction which can happen at any moment he has money, and is out in a vehicle by himself. Around June 2014, I would start limiting my interactions with video games, the internet, take up a better diet, and engage in more physical activities. I would find myself listening to Stef much more, along with individuals such as Peter Schiff, Doug Casey, and Elliot Hulse. The urges to implement these ideas into my situations become overwhelming. I would in the course of 9 months go from weighing 400 pounds to 320 pounds, find a greater understanding of various situations, become a much more potent speaker, and finally get a job at a warehouse. 

 

Now, my father has begun an absolute cycle towards self-destruction, and is actively attempting to take me and the current woman he is seeing down with him. I almost lost my job when he would disappear for nearly a week with the household's only car, if not for a couple of coworkers extending a helping hand. My father regularly and aggressively claims that I am the fault for his behavior, and I don't respect him. Whereas in previous years I would just conform to end the useless criticism, these days I find myself directly challenging his ideas. As usual, he dismisses me as arrogant, a "Know-it-all," and an amateur due to my age. After our discussions he immediately medicates heavily, and is extremely likely to disappear again for days. These conversations are elevating in intensity on his behalf as I stand my ground, and I deeply consider the option of moving out. 

 

At this very moment, I don't have a definitive place to go. I do not yet own a vehicle of my own, nor a driving license for that matter. My highest value belonging is my $1400 gaming computer. I have some options for covering my 45 minute commute to work, and coworkers who have stated they wish to support me overcoming this. But find myself getting little work done towards DeFooing in my free time.

 

Now back to the title question, what am I afraid of? I understand the idea that the sooner I break my relations with the corrupt, the sooner I can work towards a rational, and enjoyable life. Currently the only major goal I have set in my mind is leaving my family. I can't say I have ever actually achieved any major goals I have set in the past. If anyone can offer any insight or advice on such a circumstance, I would be very interested in discussing such. Thank you so much for your time.

[J. D. Stembal]

It is very telling that you don't recall your childhood before age five in public school.

 

You were overweight at six years old, and on top of it you were having trouble with using the bathroom. If your mother will still talk to you, I would get down to the bottom of what you were fed and how you were taught to use the toilet. I have a suspicion that since your family was lower class and single parent, that you were often neglected, and there wasn't enough nutritious food around the house. Obesity is a disease of malnutrition, and not a result of overeating like the uninformed often descibe it. What does Eliot Hulse have to say about nutrition? I haven't yet listened to his channel, but I've heard of him.

 

Congratulations on losing weight. I trust you are pursuing a healthy means to this end. I can recommend some channels if you would like.

 

To the question of leaving your father... is there any possibility of rehabilitation for him? Can you negotiate with him about the drug and alcohol use? Do you care for your father's well being? If you do, then tell him how you feel. Try to make a connection. I sense that you may have already tried this. Perhaps it is worth another try? It's up to you to decide.

 

If you absolutely need to leave as soon as possible, then you could hock the gaming rig for a bicycle or moped (I don't think you need a license if it's under 150cc) or save the money for a deposit on a room and bus fare. There are a lot of websites for finding rentals like Craigslist, Padmapper, Zillow, etc.

 

You will find your way!

[n25an]

Here is my suggestion...

 

(every one of these steps is going to be painful... every single one... but you can do it...)

 

number 1 stop trying to negotiate and explain to everyone this new you...

smile... be nice... do what you can... and build your self esteem... learn what it means to be happy... learn what people are like and what you can reasonably expect from them.

 

number 2 build a community of friends... wow or something like that... and then try building one in real life... realize most people are never going to believe what you believe but this does not mean they cannot be your friends... just not friends around certain topics.

 

number 3 focus on building your savings... get two jobs if you have to... build up a nice stock pile... you never know when things can go catastrophic

 

number 4 focus on making yourself more employable... get new skills... training... see if there are any state programs... entrepeneurships... and such...

 

number 5 see if there are any other people in your family that you can move in with or even board with.

 

number 6 don't isolate yourself... get involved in a local group in your community... a hobby group... something... even if its a group that plays basketball at your local ymca... one day a week is good enough...

 

I don't think what you are doing is defooing... I think what you are doing is building a life... once you have a life... an independent life... then you can defoo...

[SoFistDecayDead]

The large bulk of life thus far has been painful

 

It is very telling that you don't recall your childhood before age five in public school.

 

You were overweight at six years old, and on top of it you were having trouble with using the bathroom. If your mother will still talk to you, I would get down to the bottom of what you were fed and how you were taught to use the toilet. I have a suspicion that since your family was lower class and single parent, that you were often neglected, and there wasn't enough nutritious food around the house. Obesity is a disease of malnutrition, and not a result of overeating like the uninformed often descibe it. What does Eliot Hulse have to say about nutrition? I haven't yet listened to his channel, but I've heard of him.

 

Congratulations on losing weight. I trust you are pursuing a healthy means to this end. I can recommend some channels if you would like.

 

To the question of leaving your father... is there any possibility of rehabilitation for him? Can you negotiate with him about the drug and alcohol use? Do you care for your father's well being? If you do, then tell him how you feel. Try to make a connection. I sense that you may have already tried this. Perhaps it is worth another try? It's up to you to decide.

 

I have been able to speak to my mother, and I feel she has grown an understanding of some of difficulties I faced being rooted in the neglectful parenting. These days she extends herself as a helping hand quite often, something I felt was rarely the case in the past.

 

On nutrition, I face an incredibly high risk of diabetes in my genes. I would like to prevent it from becoming an astounding problem. Most of the healthier foods also made me feel better physically, which alone was a good reason to adopt them.

 

My father has been through two different rehabilitation programs. I cannot address the quality of these programs, but he always finds some way back to drugs/alcohol under what he says to be "Too much stress." Any and every conversation involving his behavior results in him running to dismissive, denial, and self-degrading arguments from his end, making negotiations a war of attrition. In the case that an understanding is developed, there is no change in his behavior, and will instead get absurdly depressed for days on end, and passively-aggress those around him on any trivial matter. These moments have exponentially increased in frequency as I've been working on myself, hence the idea of leaving.

 

Here is my suggestion...

 

(every one of these steps is going to be painful... every single one... but you can do it...)

 

*steps*

 

Most of what I've tried and dealt with was painful, I can probably handle a little bit more. Will definitely look into implementing these. thank you so much.