neeeel Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I have a friend, I will call them J. I find this friend extremely attractive, and a really nice person. And they seem to like me. But its like I am looking for something that I can never actually have, that what I am actually looking for is something that no one could provide. When I am with them, I find it very difficult to leave their side, or to choose another activity over being with them and doing their activity. Self-erasure, I think its called by some people on this board. I find it extremely difficult to handle when they move away from me, and when they spend time with other people, I immediately think "well, thats it then, J doesnt like me any more". so I NEED something. And its something I am not getting. But I cant identify what it is I am looking for. What is it? Its like an itch I cant scratch, or a wound that I keep papering over which keeps leaking. I dont think I even would want to be with them 24 hours a day, sometimes I feel the need to push everything and everyone away. But its clear to me that my thoughts and feelings around this are just INSANE! Where does this come from? I guess something in my childhood. My guess would be that I am terrified of something. Not being loved maybe? Abandonment? I guess therapy is the answer? Not sure I am ready for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carl Green Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 If you're thinking you could benefit from therapy, but also that you might not be ready for it, what would you need to do to be ready for it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrismus Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I totally get where you are. My old therapist called it 'merging'. I used to get this a lot when in my late teens/early twenties. It did take a lot of self-work to begin to overcome it and I managed to push away a lot of people in the process. Thinking back, I was often totally unaware that I was beginning to 'merge' until I was no longer the sole object of that person's attention. Then, it felt like there was a gaping chasm inside me - I was an open wound. In that state, I was incapable of functioning as a separate human being. The good news is, you've identified it and you can work through it. Some would recommend talking this through with J, but be careful - it can lead to all sorts of complications, including the delusion that you are getting exactly what you need from that person after all (they can't give it to you). I would absolutely recommend you try therapy as the safest way of dealing with this. Hope that helps. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neeeel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 thanks chrismus, yes thats it. A gaping wound when I am not their sole object of attention. Did you ever determine what it was you were looking for in this scenario? I mean, its like I need something from them, and something that no one can give. Its hard to explain, but I cant really identify what the need is, other than "I need to be their sole object of attention". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrismus Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 For me, it was a pining for some fundamental bonding that was lacking in my childhood. I did a lot of talking around the subject in therapy, but that wasn't enough to overcome it. I seemed to need to make the same mistakes over and over before I could stop it happening. Even then, I had lapses and I ocassionally still do when I lose awareness of myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neeeel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 that sounds about right. Painful stuff. I am glad that you have somewhat overcome it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrismus Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 You're right. Just a bit more to add - I would find all sorts of reasons to end relatonships in order to avoid going through the pain of working through my own issues. I've since learned (but sometimes still forget) that amazing progress can be made in sticking with some really uncomfortable feelings and noticing that the world does not end. Incidentally, I also began to notice the pattern showing up elsewhere, especially in work, when I would always find a reason to leave in a quest for the 'perfect' job, rather than when they came to a natural conclusion. Good luck with this - I'd be really interested in learing how things go Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neeeel Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 I am going to try just that, sticking with the feeling, noticing it, really feeling it, when my friend is doing something that doesnt involve me. I am also going to try doing at least one thing that doesnt involve them when they are around, to see what that feels like, and to practice not merging, or un-merging. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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