Mole Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 So I met a girl yesterday, I'm 17 and she's 18. She's had an abusive family background and now she's depressed. She says that she can't find a good therapist so I thought it would be helpful to share some self knowledge material with her. These situations are a massive test to your own empathy because you need to be careful that you don't offend them or worse naively say something disrespectful. She said to me she doesn't want to talk about her past because it causes bad emotions and shes perfectly fine going on by herself, assuming that I have nothing particularly valuable to share with her. There isn't much you can do when someone denies you. Such situations are the worse when someone says "Ignorance is bliss", which is the pinnacle of denialism (I'm strictly talking about people who use it as an excuse for not taking responsibility, as the statement could be true in other cases) . Not only is it self defeating but even worse their denying its own proof of its self defeat to themselves. My question is what is a strategy plan we can use to show people we have something of value when they are denying communication?
shirgall Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 You could try humor... Seriously, though, you have to figure out how willing she is to examine and change and decide how much of it you can tolerate.
Carl Green Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 The more you know about a person the better. And the better you'll be able to help them. Ignorance is bliss ...in the moment. (and even still that's a maybe) If she's referring to that saying, the only problem is, she's not ignorant of her past. She is very much aware of it so what she's achieving is avoidance, not ignorance (and not necessarily denial). And that's the likely root of her depression.
MMX2010 Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Do you want to sleep with her? This isn't meant to be a rude question, because when she says, "I don't want to talk about my past, because it brings painful emotions." she might just mean, "I don't want to talk about my past with you, because it brings painful emotions." Understand the difference? 1
J. D. Stembal Posted January 28, 2015 Posted January 28, 2015 Do you want to sleep with her? This isn't meant to be a rude question, because when she says, "I don't want to talk about my past, because it brings painful emotions." she might just mean, "I don't want to talk about my past with you, because it brings painful emotions." Understand the difference? That's a good point, MMX. A woman will be a lot less likely to share her closet full of skeletons if she is interested in you sexually, at least in my estimation. She might confide in you as a friend, but if she continues to internalize the trauma, she will be compelled to distance herself from you sexually because you aren't creating an atmosphere where she can continue suffering the abuse. Why do male dating coaches recommend, "If you want to bed a woman, do not, under any circumstances, attempt to be her therapist?" What they are really saying is if you are a man, don't attempt to empathize with an abused woman if you want to get laid. Why would men want to get involved sexually with an abused woman who lacks self-knowledge? Probably because she has great fertility markers... Don't feel as though we are blaming you of thinking with your penis, but in the circumstance, we have to at least consider the possibility of that motivation.
MMX2010 Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Don't feel as though we are blaming you of thinking with your penis, but in the circumstance, we have to at least consider the possibility of that motivation. It's also totally okay for him to want to sleep with her. What's not okay is lying (to himself) that he doesn't want to sleep with her. If he lies to himself, then she'll sense something is "off", which will make her non-receptive to philosophical discussions.
J. D. Stembal Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 It's also totally okay for him to want to sleep with her. What's not okay is lying (to himself) that he doesn't want to sleep with her. If he lies to himself, then she'll sense something is "off", which will make her non-receptive to philosophical discussions. I was assuming (we'll see when he replies) that he wants to sleep with her and is going about it by trying to be a supportive shoulder to cry on. If I've learned anything, this is the worst approach to take to get action. It seems like she has no interest in going into detail about her abusive history, which probably indicates that she is sexually interested in him at some level. I am skeptical about the wisdom in trying to have sex with her when she is so emotionally closed off. You get to have sex, but in the long run, he has to know that it's not going to work without self-knowledge. What if she gets pregnant, or pregnant by another man and then turns to him for his male support which she previously shunned? This is the line that makes me suspect that he has more than a passing interest in the woman. These situations are a massive test to your own empathy because you need to be careful that you don't offend them or worse naively say something disrespectful. She is also not looking for therapy, and Mole is trying to provide it to her. I would recommend her any IFS workbooks that aren't insanely expensive. I think there are some digital downloads for $10-20. I prefer to have the physical books, which are sometimes a little more expensive.
Mole Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 Remember I'm only 17 years old. I go to an all boys school, I'm also rather socially inept for my age. I don't want to have sex with her, I'm a virgin. I'm far from an alpha male. I met two girls yesterday for the first time with my friend, in fact it's the first time Iv'e had a friend who's a girl since primary school. She didn't cry but she was having mood swings within the day and she just shared with us some of her family history. She's been to therapists but says they are bad, I'm really just trying to help her because Iv'e heard these really great statistics and theories of relationships from well, about everything from this podcast I guess. Perhaps I'm raising the wrong question.
MMX2010 Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Remember I'm only 17 years old. I go to an all boys school, I'm also rather socially inept for my age. I don't want to have sex with her, I'm a virgin. I'm far from an alpha male. I met two girls yesterday for the first time with my friend, in fact it's the first time Iv'e had a friend who's a girl since primary school. She didn't cry but she was having mood swings within the day and she just shared with us some of her family history. She's been to therapists but says they are bad, I'm really just trying to help her because Iv'e heard these really great statistics and theories of relationships from well, about everything from this podcast I guess. Perhaps I'm raising the wrong question. Okay, that makes a lot of sense. You haven't established the emotional connection required for her to trust you with leading her into philosophy. If I asked you to fly me out to see you, so you can buy me an expensive dinner, would you? Of course not, because you barely know me and don't trust me. Similarly, she doesn't know you well enough to accept your philosophical help. So if you want to help her either: (1) Present Stefan's videos to her, but never talk to her about them. Or (2) spend more time being her friend by talking about much less emotional stuff, and doing much less emotional activities. She's better served just having coffee or something with you, not talking philosophy.
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