Traumatic Childhood, Unresolved Issues, Isolation... I really need help...

[D-Logos]

I'm sorry, I had a lot typed up, but there's just so much to go through, and I don't understand where to begin or how to get anything across.  I've been socially isolated most of my life.  I wanted to post a brief history of my life, but that seems impossible, with so many events I now understand to be traumatic; with whole years spent in misery, fear, guilt, etc.

 

I don't even know how to ask for help.  I have wasted your time, likely, and so I am sorry.  I will try towork up the courage and the focus to get this stuff out; because I NEED some help, some guidance.  I've been almost completely alone every day for almost three years now.  I get extreme anxiety around people because of abuse from peers and teachers during school years.  

 

I will try to post more tonight or tomorrow if I can.  I just don't know how to do this right now, I'm adrift in a sea of confusion.  But since this is my first post, here is something I wrote that gives sort of my outlook on life:

 

Thou art God. Our time is to be abhorred, it fails the test of ultimate truth. Our history serves to imprison us in prisons built out of our ideas and misled actions. Fixed and frightened authority is arbitrary, and never to be trusted. Your own authority is to be especially distrusted. I do not fit in. I have no home. No true "family". Doctrine is to be despised and held as active censorship of the free mind and deliberately manipulative by its nature. How can any place be mine? I belong to all locations and yet never stand on "my" ground. I AM the beginning, the end; and know them not. I am part of everything, a sentient piece of the universe, actively experiencing itself. I am "God", you are "God", we are "God". Divinity is the essence of existence. All is sacred, so nothing really is. Icons, finalities, enslaving histories forcing falsity upon us, and, yes, our own piteous and lacking fears, all of these are tools; tools constructed by a culture set to destroy everything of real value. A culture with a cancer, rotting from within, tainted by the very dehumanizing nature of the very tools it uses to prop up meaningless and unexamined life. All there is, to our limited consciousnesses, are frames of time doled out slowly, one at a time. All of these frames are a mere point, when examined through a lens capable of observing higher dimensions. All forms are part of infinity, all forms have strength - but in the end that which is, is void in "truth". We are all "architects" of reality; creators of our own worlds. I worship the Flesh, for in actuality, I / we are the Flesh Made Word, the Matter Made Thought. I am a dark melody of chaos and order, a shadowed figure painted upon the heavens of dusk. I cannot know your "name", this is true.

But I know that despite all this, there are others who stand against the onslaught of a disturbed culture / society in a terrifyingly arbitrary universe. We do not stand alone. We are comrades in THOUGHT. Thus we are the greatest allies possible. We will deny that which defiles the felt, present, immediate experience. And we will always stand firm, knowing that even in our ignorance of the true essence of our compatriot's minds, even in our failure to grasp the fullness of one another, we are acting in the only logical way possible. Even if we never meet, or our words mix poorly together, we are both philosophers of the true "God"; you, and me, and everything else you see. In living, experiencing, sensing, and thinking, we have conquered our weaknesses and failings, dominated our worries, fears, and anxieties, and acquired freedom. Freedom to partake of the only truth in existence; the only crystalline and pure representations of reality. That which is produced by the "divinity" of the conscious self, and the intrinsic processing of experience.

The universe thinks. It thinks "I am." It is you.

 

Please understand that I'm not trying to annoy anyone, I'm just completely lost in the woods right now.  Even just talking to some people here might help, and I might build up to my issues...

 

[neeeel]

I understand you are in pain. However, your post doesnt actually address any of your pain, so I am not sure how to respond. 

Perhaps post something more down to earth, about your experiences/feelings?

[villagewisdom]

So sorry to hear this kind of pain coming out of you. I've sent you a PM with encouragement and I offer conversation if you need it. 

One other thing I will share. When I was about 12 I had a really profound experience that is similar to what you wrote about. It has been a deep part of my life ever since. I had a "gentle" religious upbringing. There was a lot of talk about the love of Jesus for his fellow man and very little hell-fire and damnation. I was in 5th or 6th grade when I began to learn more about science and the universe. I learned about molecules -- protons, electrons, neutrons. I learned about the space between the nucleus and the electrons and how vast it was. I also learned about outer space -- the solar system and Milky Way galaxy and how small it is in the realm of all galaxies and just how mind bogglingly huge the universe is. There is far more space than matter. That space is both inside of us at the molecular level and outside of us in space. Then add social studies to the science and religion. There are millions of people all over the world. God is watching all of them at all times. So at 12 years old I was walking outside on a beautiful sunny day and contemplating how this could be when I had a profound experience that is similar to what you wrote about. All of a sudden it became completely clear to me in an instant that the only way that "god" could be everywhere at all times was that "god" was the space between the molecules and the space between the planets and the space between the solar systems, and galaxies and so on. So "god" is in me, around me, and ultimately is me. It's a beautiful thing. I remember this often when times get tough. Do you have a similar experience?