Lack of Rational Support System

[TheW_nderer]

No, I was referring to the inheritance from the grandmother. The new girlfriend will get the inheritance if she marries him and they stay together; which you would have gotten if it was you instead. And maybe the reason you're upset about it is because you feel you made him into someone more comfortable to be around, and now the new girlfriend gets the easy ride and eventually the money too.

 

I know I don't care about his money, so again this is an argument that isn't really relevant to my situation, but, again I would understand why you might be concerned about this. Perhaps his new girl is more concerned about that, and perhaps that's why they may work out in the end. 

 

This actually shows that you did want the failure on a certain level. The fact that you fought so hard to make and maintain a relationship that was never going to work. This is the first time you tried to have a deep relationship before, and you chose someone who was entirely incompatible with you to have it with.

 

Maybe I did want it to fail for some reason, but I'm not really sure why that would be the case. It's definitely something to look into. Maybe the temporary nature of the situation in which we met led to my not looking for the most compatible relationship at the time, but it did turn into something that was hard to let go in the end. 

Someone doesn't change like that just because you come into their lives. That is an absolute pipe dream. Either he is looking to improve and has already improved significantly without you, or he's luring you into giving him your help and affection by claiming that he wants to improve.

 

I think it might have been a combination of both, but in the end the latter won over the former. It's hard to tell now, or even dwell on it. 

 

These vampiric-like relationships have nothing to do with real love. You mentioned in another thread that you didn't know if he really loved you. Of course he didn't. And you didn't love him, either.

 

I realize this is true. If I am supposed to be a virtuous person and claimed to love someone for reasons outside of their virtues, it was never truly love and that's the sad part. I never loved him for his vices, and never accepted them as things worthy of love, but I also didn't insist upon loving him for the virtues that he already had. Therefore, I never truly loved him, only the idea of him that I created. The same goes the other way, if he didn't love me for my virtues, then he whatever it is he claimed towards me was not love. We didn't love each other... Okay.. but it still hurts.

 

[Bouncelot]

I still think about my ex everyday, even though he's gone for good and I made the decision not to be friends in the future, it's really annoying and don't know what to do about it. I have these obsessive thoughts all day long about why things went they way they did, why I dated him in the first place, why I fought for him, is being with a virtuous man a realistic goal, am I all that virtuous, etc...? bleh..

How did you work through that aspect? Did you have the struggle between your reasonable mind and your "heart"?

 

It slows over time as we figure more and more out. If your "heart" and your "mind" are at odds, it usually means that there is still more to discover about yourself. I don't believe they should ever be split. There are still things i am working through... I still have feeling for her which I know logically I shouldn't. I need to discover the root of those feelings. It is only through self knowledge that we bring our heart, mind, and body into alignment as they should be.

 

Unlike you we are "trying" to be friends. At this point I am not sure it is worth the mess it creates. Our ending was different though... She recognized her issues, and ended things before any real damage was done.

[TheW_nderer]

It slows over time as we figure more and more out. If your "heart" and your "mind" are at odds, it usually means that there is still more to discover about yourself. I don't believe they should ever be split. There are still things i am working through... I still have feeling for her which I know logically I shouldn't. I need to discover the root of those feelings. It is only through self knowledge that we bring our heart, mind, and body into alignment as they should be.

 

Unlike you we are "trying" to be friends. At this point I am not sure it is worth the mess it creates. Our ending was different though... She recognized her issues, and ended things before any real damage was done.

I realize that. That's been my struggle all along, I knew they were at odds, but I didn't take actions to try an merge the two again. I am drawing comfort from knowing that, with time, all aspects of me will be consolidated and I will relieve myself of this inner conflict.

 

If I really cared about myself and my happiness over sustaining a relationship I would have done what your ex did and avoided this dramatic situation to some extent. 

 

I feel your pain in this situation, and I hope that we can both heal from it and become better people in the end. 

[Bouncelot]

I realize that. That's been my struggle all along, I knew they were at odds, but I didn't take actions to try an merge the two again. I am drawing comfort from knowing that, with time, all aspects of me will be consolidated and I will relieve myself of this inner conflict.

 

If I really cared about myself and my happiness over sustaining a relationship I would have done what your ex did and avoided this dramatic situation to some extent. 

 

I feel your pain in this situation, and I hope that we can both heal from it and become better people in the end. 

 

One of the things that I have realized is, that i am angry with myself for not ending it, for waiting for her to "do the right thing". I knew by the end that it would not work long term. The potential was there, but she is not in the right place. She didn't have "room" for us in her life.

This is 20/20 hind-site though. I knew she was having issues, I was waiting on her to open up about them before deciding to go. To me if felt like if I didn't I would be abandoning a friend in need.

[TheW_nderer]

One of the things that I have realized is, that i am angry with myself for not ending it, for waiting for her to "do the right thing". I knew by the end that it would not work long term. The potential was there, but she is not in the right place. She didn't have "room" for us in her life.

This is 20/20 hind-site though. I knew she was having issues, I was waiting on her to open up about them before deciding to go. To me if felt like if I didn't I would be abandoning a friend in need.

I feel the exact same way and did the exact same thing.

Though I knew the issues all along, I thought that things would work themselves out like usual, but it was never really working. It's hard when you feel like you're "being there" for someone, while also being romantically involved. It's just like a perpetual state of supporting and waiting for the person to be okay enough to love you back to the same degree that you loved them. (Love in the action sense), but I don't think it works that way. 

 

Of course, feeling like you have new competition adds to the fire, because there's an added element of trying to prove your worth, when it should never be that way. If you are worthy of being loved and someone else is incapable of doing that, then you shouldn't settle for their no matter how good you feel around them. 

[neeeel]

Hey, I listened to your call in with stef. There was a lot of detail there that didnt really come across in the posts. And it seems like what I said in the thread is not very relevant. just wanted to say it sounds like you went through a tough time, and a confusing time, I hope you get things back on track.

[TheW_nderer]

Hey, I listened to your call in with stef. There was a lot of detail there that didnt really come across in the posts. And it seems like what I said in the thread is not very relevant. just wanted to say it sounds like you went through a tough time, and a confusing time, I hope you get things back on track.

It was a bit confusing, but you did give me some things to reflect on whether they applied to me or not. I think from the time I sent in the question to the time I actually got on the show, I had grown to understand what went on a bit more, and I think that's why some really important things didn't really come up here. I am so glad I called in.

 

I'm doing much better now and am moving on to ensure that I live a happy, fulfilled life. 

 

Thanks for your input either way!

[PatrickC]

I thought Stefans advice on contextualising "me + x" was really useful. Something I have to keep reminding myself from time to time.

 

Glad you had the call, often these issues are better thrashed out in conversation than forum posts.

[TheW_nderer]

I thought Stefans advice on contextualising "me + x" was really useful. Something I have to keep reminding myself from time to time.

 

Glad you had the call, often these issues are better thrashed out in conversation than forum posts.

I realize that that's been an issue in my life since I got out of homeschooling and they may have had to do with my lack of experience socializing then. I'm happy to learn about it now and I hope applying that advice will lead to healthier more genuine relationships for me in the future. 

 

Now as I interact with people around me, I try to drop any "roles" that I'm so used to filling. If they aren't going to love me for who I am, why should I keep them around? 

[PatrickC]

Now as I interact with people around me, I try to drop any "roles" that I'm so used to filling. If they aren't going to love me for who I am, why should I keep them around? 

 

I agree, but you know that 'fixing people' is a draw for you in your case. You didn't happen to pick up this habit by accident. I'd say the habit comes from some kind of anxiety your not entirely facing. I know that everytime I've applied a me + X. X is nearly always a deep seated anxiety in me that I picked up somewhere else that I'm avoiding.

 

That said fixing people, particularly fixing men, is a definately something women are prone too in my experience. But I'd still hazard a guess that it's roots are within anxiety. The question for you, would be what and where does that anxiety come from I think.

[J. D. Stembal]

I realize that that's been an issue in my life since I got out of homeschooling and they may have had to do with my lack of experience socializing then. I'm happy to learn about it now and I hope applying that advice will lead to healthier more genuine relationships for me in the future. 

 

Now as I interact with people around me, I try to drop any "roles" that I'm so used to filling. If they aren't going to love me for who I am, why should I keep them around? 

 

I don't understand why you would consider a lack of experience socializing a contributing factor. If anything, homeschooling should have protected you from the more common me plus temptations, at least in my estimation. You internalized mom and dad, family and god, but at least you didn't have to navigate the complicated pecking order that is institutionalized government reprogramming where conformity and rebellion are virtues simultaneously.

 

Don't keep anyone around who doesn't love you if you don't fit the particular mold they have cast for you. I wish someone would have demonstrated that for me. Perhaps someone tried, and I completely missed the message. I will be one year sober in June. As I reflect on twenty years of drug and alcohol abuse, I have found that there was a lot of plus inside of me. There is not much me left.

 

Thank you for contributing to the show. It was very insightful for me. I have behaved like your ex-boyfriend. You now know to steer clear of the prototype, and resist the urge to fix us. Don't buy a car if you need a boat!

[TheW_nderer]

I don't understand why you would consider a lack of experience socializing a contributing factor. If anything, homeschooling should have protected you from the more common me plus temptations, at least in my estimation. You internalized mom and dad, family and god, but at least you didn't have to navigate the complicated pecking order that is institutionalized government reprogramming where conformity and rebellion are virtues simultaneously.

 

Don't keep anyone around who doesn't love you if you don't fit the particular mold they have cast for you. I wish someone would have demonstrated that for me. Perhaps someone tried, and I completely missed the message. I will be one year sober in June. As I reflect on twenty years of drug and alcohol abuse, I have found that there was a lot of plus inside of me. There is not much me left.

 

Thank you for contributing to the show. It was very insightful for me. I have behaved like your ex-boyfriend. You now know to steer clear of the prototype, and resist the urge to fix us. Don't buy a car if you need a boat!

There was a lot of me plus going on in my family, and religion is one of the ultimate demonstrations of that, and I realize that it may have fed into it a bit. I was homeschooled and that did lead a lot to my individuality, but the religious aspects made things a bit confusing once I was out of it. No one, in my eyes, would be "whole" or "virtuous" if I didn't do something about it. I realize now that I carried those ideas with me into my relationship, even when I finally gave it all up and realized my atheism.

 

It's so awesome that you are sober and moving towards the life you want. I think there are so many people out there who try to steer us in the right direction in their own ways, and it's easy to write them off, but I'm definitely going to listen to people more. But dropping the plus now is really helping me weed through the bullshit friends/family in my life. It seems that there is a pretty good community here that you can be your true self around, and I really appreciate you all! You've given me some useful feedback as well so thanks! 

 

I'm actually planning on buying a boat with a friend and sailing the world! Good analogy! lol. I'm steering clear; keeping my legs crossed and guarding my heart(as Stef recommended lol). 

[J. D. Stembal]

Sweet ironies! Remember, though, that boat is an acronym that stands for "bank out another thousand."

 

Sea-fever by John Masefield

 

 

 

I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sail's shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face, and a grey dawn breaking.

I must down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over.