Child abuse, understanding, forgiveness, and connection

[Mothra]

I've been struggling with my boyfriend for some time now with feeling connected. We had a conversation today about childhood abuse. He was physically abused, yelled at, insulted, and severely neglected by both of his parents. My BF is also bisexual and an atheist, yet his dad is a Christian homophobe and knows neither of those things about my him. Yet he says he feels connected to his parents and loves them and knows that they love him in their own way, and that they did the best they could.

 

I, on the other hand, experienced something much more subtle growing up. And I feel absolutely no connection with my parents. We are trying to explore how this could be.

 

I was spanked maybe a couple of times, yelled at much more. But most of what I got growing up was hardly detectable. In fact, I thought I had a pretty normal childhood until I started really thinking about it. My life has been one fucked-up thing after another, with severe depression, self harm, and addiction (of several varieties). And I'm just beginning to see how my childhood contributed to that. I used to think there must have been something wrong with me. Looking back, I didn't connect with either of my parents and I don't feel that either of them took the time to get to know me or really show me who they were either. I am of the belief that in order to love someone, you have to actually know them. And I don't feel either known or loved by anyone in my entire family. All they talk about is superficial stuff. I think I had some of the "me plus" syndrome, where it was me plus my good grades and musical talent.

 

I have expressed this to my BF and he seems to think I am perhaps too sensitive, as he has met my parents and doesn't think they're that far off the deep end. He also thinks that my standards for people are too high. I have also expressed to my boyfriend that a lot of times in the relationship I don't feel connected to him. and wish to have more personal, meaningful conversations. He says he feels connected to me, but he doesn't like to talk about his past. Which I can understand to a degree because a lot of what he has told about it is pretty horrible.

 

I find this very difficult. On the one hand, I don't want to minimize the horror of what he went through. But I don't know how to get him to see that I went through was shitty in its own way. He says he has dealt with the things that happened to him and forgiven his parents because he understands them. He wonders why I cannot forgive my parents. I DO have the capacity to forgive. I forgave an ex for treating me pretty crappy during our relationship, I think because I understand why he did the things he did. We were both addicted to drugs during that relationship. Maybe the act of understanding someone allows you to forgive them? Is it because I don't understand my parents why I can't forgive them and connect with them? Or is he just in denial?

 

[J. D. Stembal]

It's important that restitution always comes before forgiveness. Saying sorry does not change the past. Understanding someone does not allow you to forgive them. They have to understand you, and how they have caused you pain. Remember that forgiveness is yours to bestow or withhold. You can't forgive your parents if they have no idea that they've done anything wrong.

 

My mother will claim with a straight face that people who love each other fight a lot. This is her excuse or explanation when I ask about the violence and verbal abuse that went on around the house between my parents. This is how I know she will never own up for my childhood and choosing to marry my father. She will not be forgiven until she gets that she wronged me, and then at least begins to make up for it.

 

I have expressed this to my BF and he seems to think I am perhaps too sensitive, as he has met my parents and doesn't think they're that far off the deep end. He also thinks that my standards for people are too high. I have also expressed to my boyfriend that a lot of times in the relationship I don't feel connected to him. and wish to have more personal, meaningful conversations. He says he feels connected to me, but he doesn't like to talk about his past. Which I can understand to a degree because a lot of what he has told about it is pretty horrible.

 

Your boyfriend telling you that your standards are too high is a defense mechanism. What he means to say is, "Your high standards for voluntary adult relationships make me uncomfortable." It will likely threaten to end your relationship, but you could ask him why he voluntarily allows his abusive parents to remain in his life. What are his standards like if yours are too high?

 

The lack of connection you feel is probably a distinct lack of connection. How meaningful of a conversation can you have with someone who doesn't ever want to discuss his childhood?

[Mothra]

The lack of connection you feel is probably a distinct lack of connection. How meaningful of a conversation can you have with someone who doesn't ever want to discuss his childhood?

 

Thanks for your input. I guess I'm just confused. On the one hand, I feel I am right in claiming that he is responsible for this lack of connection. I feel like I am ready and willing, if not downright eager, to discuss anything. But when I think of that, it makes me feel uneasy. Like, I don't want to be right. And then I start thinking that I should entertain ideas of why it could be MY fault. Like maybe because I never connected with my parents that I shouldn't go around judging connection because I may just be unable to connect. And then I think that's stupid. I've definitely connected with my daughter and a handful of other people on a handful of occasions. I just end up going back and forth and feel kind of insane.

 

Now that I think about it, I guess I do this a lot. I'll feel something that makes me want to leave the relationship, but then another set of emotions comes up that makes me feel like I want to stay. This push-pull aspect makes me feel paralyzed and trapped. I would like to better understand the forces pushing me away and pulling me towards him.

 

There are many things I love about him, but the way he generally approaches life greatly concerns me. He has an extremely low tolerance for stress and handles it by becoming distant, often playing video games for hours at a time. Which generally means he gets behind on whatever he has to do, exacerbating the problem. He's not well organized or good at planning things. I feel burdened by having to handle everything for the both of us. I also have to take care of my daughter, so my time and energy is limited. 

 

I am not sure if these are surmountable problems or not. Reading the thread on procrastination was helpful to me in understanding certain things about him, and we discussed it to a degree. I have a strong desire to be a good girlfriend and stick by him and try to help him with these issues. But at the same time, I find the relationship very draining. I am wondering if I am just afraid of being alone again. Maybe the reason I keep wavering is because deep down I know the truth, but don't like it, and am afraid of having to follow through with it and leave. I also feel silly about posting all these relationship issues on here and feel embarrassed that I haven't been able to figure this out on my own. The very fact that I am asking strangers for advice instead of being able to talk to him directly and honestly doesn't seem to bode well. I'm starting therapy next week so hopefully that will bring some clarity.

 

[Bouncelot]

It sounds like you two are just in very different places. You have started down the road of self knowledge, and he isn't ready yet.

He may never be ready. Or he could wake up tomorrow just be ready. There is nothing you can do however to force him onto the road.

 

Just live your life; lead by example.