something my father said that is now bothering me

[the wandering shaman]

about a year ago my mother had a stroke and my father spends all his time taking care of her and the entire family has revolved around her and i can't get something out of my head.

 

my father once said to me when i wasn't getting on with my mother because she was 'highly' strung' as he put it, he said when i was 12 'one day you'll cause her so much stress that she'll have a stroke and you'll be standing by her bedside knowing it is your fault', i see it as my mothers choice to react in such a way to just a child growing up and trying to find some kind of connection, that she had 50 years of life time to gain the self knowledge to not react to a child in this way.

 

this is of course a horrible thing to say,, my father spends every waking second running himself ragged and giving his soul away taking care of my paralyzed mum (it was a long time before he even sought a medical carer) and he has a terrible memory due to aspergers (not making excuses but he constantly forgets things every 10 seconds but he does have a fairly retentive long term memory), I'm wondering if i ever should or ever could bring this up because, this still really hurts, not in such an immediate way, i just want to hear what he has to say about that now that this has happened (my mothers stroke was likely down to the terrible diet and 20 cigarettes a day she smoked since she was 14) but he's so run ragged these days that i don't have the heart to tell him what he said to me.

 

my memory is in a way unfortunately near photographic so i remember every trauma, every punch, all of that stuff, and this has stuck with me for some time, can i reasonably and empathetically bring this up NOW?

 

I'm sure many here have experienced something similar, what are your thoughts?

[neeeel]

What are your reasons for wanting to bring this up with your father?

 

You say "I just want to hear what he has to say". Are you looking for an apology? an explanation of why he said it? Closure ( whatever that may mean in this situation)?

Do you feel guilt? That it might actually be true that you caused your mothers stroke?

 

I can certainly relate to how you feel about this, and how these things stick with you. My dad once said to me something along the lines of "I only have a short time left on this earth, and I dont want it spoiled and ruined by you"

 

I can imagine that if you did bring this up with him, you might get accusations of being "insensitive" or "uncaring". That is not necessarily the case though. I dont think the situation automatically rules out that you cant talk with your father empathetically and with curiosity.

How likely are you to get an honest conversation with him?

[villagewisdom]

I was hurt deeply by many things that my mother said to me. One of them was similar to what you describe. And I had a very difficult early adult life due to missing links in my childhood education about what it means to be an adult. She failed me in many ways. I also learned many wonderful things from her. She died three weeks ago after more than 6 years in a nursing home following a couple of strokes. She had a very keen mind. She was fully aware and present in the beginning but she could not speak. She could no longer communicate with us.  It was a horrible experience for all of us to watch her slowly, very slowly deteriorate. 

 

My father is an asshole, bigot, narcissist, etc -- he openly admits it. He is a mean person. Yet he stayed by my mother's side every day he was able during that six and a half years. For the first couple of years he drove 10 miles each way, twice a day to spend time with her, to care for her, and to let her know that she was not alone. His health dropped dramatically and we talked him into reducing his visits to once a day. He ended up gradually going earlier each day and staying later each day. She was his life and he hers. He watched her deteriorate day by day. We did as well but from afar. He was up close and personal with it every single day. I can only hope that he passed on this kind of loyalty to me. I don't know as I am not in that position but perhaps I will rise to the occasion. 

 

As time when on his behavior became harder and harder to tolerate when I would come to visit. He became even more negative about all of his children if that was possible. For many years I would just nod my head and think to myself "whatever, you're just an ignorant talking head and there is nothing I can do about that". Finally, I did end up saying some things I had held inside for a while because I wanted him to understand how he hurt me and was continuing to hurt me. He didn't get it. He still doesn't get it. I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually have the mental capacity to get it. I only added to his pain and he just dug in even deeper. I came to the conclusion that being an asshole is his coping mechanism for his own internal pain. I don't regret what I said, but I also don't see a real benefit for either of us. 

 

He has dropped his guard a couple of times and just hugged me and said something like "you know I love you". The truth is that I do know that he has a very limited capacity to love and to show love, but the child in me still wants to hear it. The child in me still wants his approval. He never gives his approval and he never will. He expects all of us to "just know" that he loves us without him having to be vulnerable and show it. He will never change that because he truly believes that is how it is supposed to be and that he is being a good father. No amount of rational argument has made any difference. And in fact I realized his limited mental capacity when during several conversations he would pause as if trying to understand what I was saying, then he would get this "that does not compute" look on his face, and then he would go back to his original argument. That pause where he was trying to understand what I was saying was quite telling. The information literally had no where to go. There is no mental capacity to hold it. 

 

I respect my father's loyalty. It is likely his only redeeming quality. He was 100% completely dedicated to his vows of marriage to his wife. He stood by her side day after day after day. He is likely going to die soon as well. He pretty much used himself up caring for her. He is still an asshole. But he pretty much gave up his life for my mother. It was a real life Notebook (the movie with James Garner) story -- except for the asshole part of course. But one was a movie and one is real life. 

 

I don't have any recommendations as to what you should or shouldn't do. I just wanted to share my story as you asked. Well, perhaps one recommendation. If you have children, love them with all your heart and soul and let them know you love them and you are proud of them. Find out more every day about who they are. You can make a difference there. 

 

Sorry you are having to go through this. Let me know if you need any support or if I can do anything for you or your family. 

[Tworsley]

Shaman, I am so sorry to hear how your parents treated you. That is a horrendous thing to say to a 12 year old, it completely put all responsibility on you when you were a child and probably made you feel guilty. Not only did your father put responsibility in your hands but you were also traumatized( as you said), when you were a child. I have a lot of sympathy for you because I am going through the same thing with my family. The fact that your mom had a stroke is not your fault, years of unhealthy diet did that. I would highly recommend talking trying to talk one on one with your father and RTR. How does that sound? Do you know about RTR? And do you have money for therapy?

[Matthew Ed Moran]

"but he's so run ragged these days that i don't have the heart to tell him what he said to me."

 

Didn't he chose this life? Even if he didn't predict this outcome, isn't he ultimately responsible for how this ended up? He's not a slave, right? There is no gun to his head, right? And your mother was a bitch? And so he's dedicating his every effort towards the comfort of a bitch? And he dropped a guilt nuke on you for standing up to this bitch? Was it because he resented the fact that you didn't slave to a bitch like he did? Kinda like that old slave morality.. Fuck the people who can stand up for themselves, they should suffer like me.

 

I wouldn't have a shred of sympathy for someone who said that to me. But that's me. But the fact that the problems him and your mom are having now were both due to decisions they made over decades of opportunities to change course makes me think they got exactly what they wanted. And if someone gets exactly what they want, what sense does it make to sympathize with them?