Doing therapy by myself

[andrei galanciuc]

Hello, everybody! I hope this message finds you well.

 

First, I would like to give a brief summary about my approach to therapy. I started doing Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy in October 2014. It is an approach pioneered by Albert Ellis. I studied the method of the therapy, based on Ellis's books. In a nutshell, this approach focuses on finding irrational beliefs, which drive unhealthy emotions and behaviors. In other words, it is concerned with the present way of thinking.

I have improved significantly with my rational thinking, although I did not work with a therapist. I did, however, study the methodology thoroughly and applied it every single day, since I started. I admit that it took me a lot of time to find my underlying irrational beliefs. I used to dedicate around 1-2 hours of work per day (writing, recording, listening to recordings etc.). 

 

I would like to ask if I benefited from doing psychoanalysis, besides REBT? I find this psychoanalytical approach rather mystical (different selves driving your behavior etc.). 

In my opinion, irrational beliefs formed during childhood persist in adulthood, if not treated. However, once they are recognized, they can be brought to the conscious mind and processed. At least this is the rationale behind REBT and I agree with it.

 

What do you guys, think? How are you dealing with therapy?

Looking forward to receiving your answers.

 

 

Best,
Andrei

[Tservitive]

I would recommend working with a therapist (specifically a talk therapist) due to the fact that they are: a) trained in the field and b) having a second person often helps to point out blind spots that we fail to realize within our own self-analysis. 

 

This said, if you wish to pursue REBT by yourself in addition to therapy, I would recommend that you at the very least use a voice recorder and record your session every time you do them. The reason for this is that our memory is very unreliable and when you listen back to a recording after a couple of days, you may be surprised by what you hear or how you feel about your own thoughts from the previous session. 

[Drew.]

I found that self-therapy was a super valuable pursuit. I began journaling with the intent of sorting things out about four years ago. It was okay as far as quality of self-exploration goes. But, I found that by working with a therapist, I was able to pick up on methods that I could adapt and use on my own in order to enhance my own self-therapy. I still do this now, and I find that the quality of work that I can do on my own and what I can accomplish with a therapist are drawing ever nearer to be the same thing.

 

I like to think of it like learning a new skill, such as a language or instrument. It really helps having someone with experience to help guide you and share with you what they tried and what they found to be helpful. A major difference, as Tservitive mentioned, is that the therapist can notice blind spots, which are more apt to occur in the psyche than anything else.

[Kevin Beal]

Any therapy you do, by yourself or with a professional, should be self directed as much as possible, so I think you've got the right attitude, whatever that's worth to you. But, I found that I was going crazy on my own trying to find confidence in what I was doing.
 
A good therapist will help you see yourself.
 
Nobody I knew was doing anything like that, and I was becoming aware that my entire approach to the health of my own psychology was totally backwards. I was questioning everything, and needed somebody who knew what they were doing to help me out and make sure I'm not walking in the wrong direction.
 
I can appreciate your hesitancy to do psychoanalysis, and indeed there is some mysticism, bullshit sprinkled throughout a lot of it. I can only speak for my own experience, but I found it incredibly valuable, even the stuff that I was very skeptical about, like dream analysis. (I went twice a week for almost 4 years).
 
My therapist would occasionally advance a postmodern, moral relativist or otherwise false position and I told her, with some anxiety, just how much I didn't want hear it (e.x. "collective unconscious"). Working with her on that was, in itself, therapeutic because I was able to work through all the anxiety I had around being "inconvenient" in that way, and asserting those kinds of boundaries.
 
Even with the occasional mysticism, it was well worth the money and the time for me.
 
I think that you have to train your therapist in some ways. Ideally, your relationship with the therapist grows and changes and becomes of increasing utility to you. In letting her know when she pissed me off, or said something which I thought she was absolutely wrong about, our talking about it, negotiating and exploring the difficulty in having those kinds of conversations, that made the therapy I was doing much more valuable and interesting to me.
 
It probably depends also on your personality. Some people probably can do therapy without a therapist to guide them, without much problem. If you are getting what you need without it, then I'm not going to argue with you. That just wasn't me. I needed somebody to hold my hand for a while.
 
And you could always try it and then quit if you don't find it valuable. There is good reason to consider talk therapy, though. Not all of it is mysticism:
 
FDR1517 The Benefits of Therapy - An Interview with Chris Boyce, University of Warwick
http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_1517_interview_chris_boyce_32_x_happiness.mp3
 
FDR1524 Mapping the Effects of Talk Therapy on the Brain' - Dr Gabriel Dichter
http://media.freedomainradio.com/feed/FDR_1524_mapping_therapy_dr_dichter_interview.mp3

[andrei galanciuc]

Thank you for the responses! I appreciate it!

[JamesP]

I would not place self therapy in the same category as actually having a therapist external to you. Having good habits is important, but if you "self coached" for the Olympics, you couldn't be too surprised when you fail catastrophically. It's true, you need to adopt a good training regimen and change your lifestyle, and doing what you can on your own may get you a small part of the way there. However, you're not going to see your bad form which can lead to serious injury without that expert coach.

 

Also, if you are in the position of needing therapy (I don't think I've ever met anyone who isn't), you're going to have blind spots. You need somebody else to find these things and using your friends for this is not good for those relationships.

[fulop78]

So far I have read Albert Ellis (REBT), Arthur Janov (Primal), Alice Miller, Daniel Mackler, Konrad Stettbacher, Jean Jenson (I already posted a link to this blog https://therapyagainstabuse.wordpress.com/) and Jay Earley (IFS) and their approach to therapy. I recommend reading all those books.

Some would argue that REBT uses intellectualizing to suppress emotions. And that those emotions do not just disappear but get pushed even further into subconscious a continue to cause trouble. You don't deal with those emotions and you don't heal the underlying trauma. I tend to agree. It may work just perfect for others though.

 

Due to my childhood I have great difficulty trusting people and being open, non manipulative and non judgmental. The one therapist I went to  (she was recommended to me by a friend who studied psychology) did not address my trust issues, perhaps she did not know how to address them. So I decided to part out ways after about 6 months. She seemed upset, but maybe I was projecting. Anyway, I did not find much value in seeing her. So self-therapy is the way for me at least for now. I believe a good therapist can help.

[Drew.]

Some would argue that REBT uses intellectualizing to suppress emotions. And that those emotions do not just disappear but get pushed even further into subconscious a continue to cause trouble. You don't deal with those emotions and you don't heal the underlying trauma. I tend to agree. It may work just perfect for others though.

 

Due to my childhood I have great difficulty trusting people and being open, non manipulative and non judgmental. The one therapist I went to  (she was recommended to me by a friend who studied psychology) did not address my trust issues, perhaps she did not know how to address them. So I decided to part out ways after about 6 months. She seemed upset, but maybe I was projecting. Anyway, I did not find much value in seeing her. So self-therapy is the way for me at least for now. I believe a good therapist can help.

Thanks for the explanation about REBT. My impression has been that most cognitive and behavioral therapies focus more on the symptoms than on the root problems, trauma. I like that IFS deals more with the emotions, for sure.

 

Sorry to hear that about your previous therapist. I just want to reach out, if you're looking for a therapist to help support your personal growth, I'm available and offer a free consultation.

[andrei galanciuc]

In my opinion, the irrational beliefs developed during childhood remain present during adulthood, unless they are processed.

Using REBT, one can find the wrong beliefs that lead to wrong behaviors and unhealthy emotions and process those beliefs. 

It does not mean creating yourself an illusion of everything being fine; it means that you argue logically and empirically your beliefs.

And this is why I value REBT. 

Merely restating my irrational beliefs did not help. It was only through reason and evidence that I could get rid of those beliefs and nourish rational thoughts.

Please, note that REBT does not imply manipulating emotions or ignoring them. 

On the contrary, one acknowledges the emotions and tries to understand why one feels so. This is self-analysis.

However, the power of REBT is to not let emotions escalate into controlling your, or confusing you.

In my opinion, you must be in charge of your cognition, behavior and emotions consciously.

I still consider that the unconscious part of the mind is merely a mechanism that deals with our physiology (digestions, breathing etc.).

I do not see how one can prove that the unconscious is a "mind of its own".

It sounds mystical. And I think that people using psychoanalysis, derive stories or explanations for their actions, based on the premise that somehow their unconscious caused them.

I believe that what you do is voluntary, i.e. conscious. 

It is a matter of finding out why you think and act in certain ways.

[Drew.]

Based on what you described here, I can see quite a few similarities between IFS and REBT. The process you describe does sound similar in some aspects, although you use terms that I would not use to describe the process.
 

I'll try to address each thought in order.

 

In my opinion, the irrational beliefs developed during childhood remain present during adulthood, unless they are processed.

Using REBT, one can find the wrong beliefs that lead to wrong behaviors and unhealthy emotions and process those beliefs. 

It does not mean creating yourself an illusion of everything being fine; it means that you argue logically and empirically your beliefs.

And this is why I value REBT. 

Merely restating my irrational beliefs did not help. It was only through reason and evidence that I could get rid of those beliefs and nourish rational thoughts.

Please, note that REBT does not imply manipulating emotions or ignoring them. 

On the contrary, one acknowledges the emotions and tries to understand why one feels so. This is self-analysis.

However, the power of REBT is to not let emotions escalate into controlling your, or confusing you.

In my opinion, you must be in charge of your cognition, behavior and emotions consciously.

I still consider that the unconscious part of the mind is merely a mechanism that deals with our physiology (digestions, breathing etc.).

I do not see how one can prove that the unconscious is a "mind of its own".

It sounds mystical. And I think that people using psychoanalysis, derive stories or explanations for their actions, based on the premise that somehow their unconscious caused them.

I believe that what you do is voluntary, i.e. conscious. 

It is a matter of finding out why you think and act in certain ways.

 

-Yes, I agree. I would add that the irrational beliefs are rational in the context of history. I.e. "I am unlovable" is an irrational belief, but in the context of someone's history, it may be rational to believe that in order to prevent further harm.
-Sounds good.
-I think that having a degree of logic and reason is super important in self-work. I have sought evidence to prove or challenge the claim, "I am a failure," in my own work. I have found that doing that proved to be helpful.
-Getting rid of irrational beliefs and nourish rational thoughts. Hm. I would like to hear more about this in particular. In IFS, we do something similar to that. We take a "Part" (a defense/irrational belief/hurt feeling) and listen to what it has to say--listening to and processing their irrational beliefs. Then we challenge those beliefs very gently--these irrational beliefs were adopted in childhood and therefore are likely to be immature. Then end goal is to replace the old belief or feeling with a healthier one. In essence, we try to be a good parent to ourselves to help heal and process.
-Not manipulating or ignoring them. Great! Wonderful!

-I.e. being a good parent to oneself.

-Not letting emotions control. I agree 100%. In IFS, we also try to unblend and separate our Self from the emotions as well. It is valuable and wonderful to feel and express emotions, but not to become them or be controlled by them.

-I think we can be in control of our conscious beliefs, emotions are things that we have much less control over. But we do have control over how much they affect us in the moment.

-The unconscious does deal with those processes, yes. I would add that the unconscious is also in charge of emotions; i.e. it is a lightning calculator that tells us if something is good or bad for us, and emotions are the way that it expresses that.

-I'm not so certain that the unconscious has a mind of its own, but it does seem to be very powerful. As anecdotal evidence, I went to a school that I would teach at. I was informed about certain details of classes that were offered to me, but I felt really uncomfortable and sad. As the negotiations furthered, there were more details that I didn't like. When I left, I reflected upon it, and I can clearly see how the woman was acting manipulatively. I see that my unconscious was warning me, and in this instance I listened to it.

-I think that the stories are helpful. Stories are a way to structure our thoughts. Personification of emotions and defenses are ways that we can better grasp what is going on for us internally. We relate something alien and unknown to something we can better understand. Are there actually people inside of me, like IFS parts? Man, I don't know. But it sure is a helpful way of thinking about things, and it makes the process really easy to go through.

-I think that not every is voluntary, as the unconscious does take care of somethings. I didn't voluntarily feel uncomfortable in that negotiation. But consciousness is the filter for our actions. If we choose not to make something conscious, in essence we are allowing it to happen.
-All good models of therapy that I've encountered have a form of reparenting as well--exploring the emotions/beliefs and gently replacing them with something else.

Hearing you describe this, it sounds interesting to me. I do now recognize that it is Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. The emotions are important in this form of therapy. Is there a book or resource (book preferred) that you could recommend me so that I could be more informed about this?

[andrei galanciuc]

These are the books I have studied so far:
1) Three minute therapy (M.Edelstein)
2) Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (A.Ellis)

3) The myth of self-esteem (A.Ellis)

4) REBT: It works for me-it can work for you (A.Ellis)

5) How to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about anything (A.Ellis)

 

I specifically recommend the first two, as they lay the foundation of the therapy. I.e. the methodology is provided.

Great comments you've made. I certainly appreciate the interest and the content.

I agree that emotions are messages from our limbic system (i.e. unconscious). There is scientific rationale for that. They evolved to inform us about rewarding pursuits (food, warmth, sex) and dangers, concerns etc. But once they are recognized, one has the ability to control them. For instance, if you feel anxiety due to a certain event, you can diminish that anxiety to a normal level of concern. This can be done by "excavating" the irrational belief and working on it. This is what is meant by emotional control.

But that is as far as I go with my approach towards the unconscious. I thought I had subpersonalities within me due to my adverse childhood. Namely I thought that my father's irrational behaviors were "ingrained within me". I had this perspective after I read Nathaniel Branden's "Six pillars of self-esteem". I studied it before REBT. I did completion sentences exercises, as well. I failed with that mystical approach. I failed because I thought I was unable to deal with these "subpersonalities". Once I took charge of my cognition after studying REBT, I got rid of the irrational system that was dominating me. It was a matter of accepting that I took over irrational behaviors because I was under the influence and threat of my father. In other words, I was living with ingrained irrational beliefs because that's what I saw and thought was right. Only when I debated rationally those beliefs, I could liberate myself of them. It was no uncontrollable unconscious driving me to act or think irrationally. It was my conscious behavior and cognition, based on unhealthy premises.

I know this may sound like a confirmation bias. And I put this under question. However, given my significant improvement and consistent effect from REBT, I cannot assign my results due to bias. It is the fruit of consistent work, every single day. And I mean it; every single day. The power of REBT is in its methodology. Because the methodology is based on reason and evidence, the results are unavoidable. 

Regarding blind spots, I agree that I am most likely lagging here. I do not know who to ask for feedback or whether I am self-critical enough. I think I am. And I keep improving on that. I have developed a sense of objective awareness; i.e. not fooling myself with illusions. However, I know the value of an outside perspective, which I do not have, unfortunately.

[fauxpress]

I've a lot of experience in both methods: external and self.

 

At the time of consciousness of the onset of something profoundly disturbing going on--having begun to have flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse in my early 20's that drove me mad for a while--there was not much experienced help for me. It was the late 60's/early 70's. No internet. Few library books.

 

Found a specialist who was a Cognitive Behavioralist. Netted the methodology with which to approach what was to be a ten-year committed swimming through a great deal of muck and beauty.

 

Am now moved to another dive down into "it" after a decade or so of pursuing a career in which I'm rated well.

 

At one point I hired a publicist to stand in for shrink. Money well spent.

 

Also worked with three world-class sadists who were able to unravel the complicated pleasure/pain thing I was unwittingly given as a result of the physics and geography of the rape.

 

I have a lot to say on the subject of getting somewhere out of a dark hole of evil.

 

In fact, as part of my self-therapy I wrote and after a decade-long work-related hiatus continue to write "The World's Longest Open Love Letter" a multi-media work in poetry, dance, film, musical. It's Big. Google it. Wrote it for ten years too.

 

Enough info for my first post here.

 

But all that shit made me the rather extraordinary chick you see before you, saying, "Hello."

 

Have only just begun to read here, but am an avid listener and now as contributor, a voice with a need to be heard since IME, healing requires witness (mercenary friend in therapist or publicist even).

[Drew.]

These are the books I have studied so far:

1) Three minute therapy (M.Edelstein)

2) Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (A.Ellis)

3) The myth of self-esteem (A.Ellis)

4) REBT: It works for me-it can work for you (A.Ellis)

5) How to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about anything (A.Ellis)

 

I specifically recommend the first two, as they lay the foundation of the therapy. I.e. the methodology is provided.

Great comments you've made. I certainly appreciate the interest and the content.

I know this may sound like a confirmation bias. And I put this under question. However, given my significant improvement and consistent effect from REBT, I cannot assign my results due to bias. It is the fruit of consistent work, every single day. And I mean it; every single day. The power of REBT is in its methodology. Because the methodology is based on reason and evidence, the results are unavoidable. 

Regarding blind spots, I agree that I am most likely lagging here. I do not know who to ask for feedback or whether I am self-critical enough. I think I am. And I keep improving on that. I have developed a sense of objective awareness; i.e. not fooling myself with illusions. However, I know the value of an outside perspective, which I do not have, unfortunately.

 

Thanks for the resources, I'll add them to the queue.

 

I think that so long as you explore your thoughts and feelings in a curious, nurturing manner you can't go wrong. Specific methods may be better suited to different individuals. Personally, IFS offers a great appeal to me as it makes a lot of the steps of the healing process come fairly naturally.

 

If you're ever in the market for a therapist, I would be glad to work with you in the future. I admire people who try to do their own inner work outside of sessions, and I strongly encourage it with my own clients.