My Father

[Aaron727]

I strongly dislike asking for help but right now I really want to.  My Father abandoned me when I was about 1 or 2 and I have only seen him a handful of times since.  Recently he has found me through a social media site and has sent me a few emails over a period of about a year. I'm going to post the emails and I would like some preservative from anyone that is willing.

 

Emails

 

Me: Hi, yes its me. I wanted you to know I received your message. I suffered a lot of pain growing up without a father and I don't think a re connection is possible.

 

Father:I know it might be hard but maybe it would be good for both of us. Give it some thought and maybe we can start. I can't imagine what the hurt and difficulty you came through in your time.....I do know that I too have suffered a profound deep sadness at not being part of a majority of your life. I want you to know that I would like to start again. Now or anytime you feel appropriate at what ever level or speed we can work out together. Please think on it and thank you.

 

I didnt respond and he sent another email this month

 

Father: Hi Aaron,  hope this note finds you well. I wanted to send a quick note to let you know that after my term at Brock I've taken an appointment out west and am leaving the province in a couple of weeks. I would like to ask if you might have time to have a lunch or dinner.  If not I understand. I also wanted to send my new contact information.  Hope to hear from you.

 

Me: Hi, I just received your email and I'm not sure if you have left for your job or not.  If you haven't and we were to have lunch what would you want to talk about.

 

Father: So the packers are here today and the movers load me up and ship me out tomorrow.  I then am driving out to Alberta as I won't have anything/stuff here and have to be on the other end in Medicine Hat when the truck arrives. While we might not get a visit in because of moving timing now, I will be back often and would love to keep you informed. At the same time I would love to stay in touch maybe through emails? It might not be about anything specific, but finding out more and let you know too. I know the days of batting practise or taking shots on goal for soccer have long past.....but at the same time I think we can offer each other a lot.  Maybe after some time you might decide you want to see what Medicine Hat (I know not the hub of the world) is all about. 

 

There is obvious stuff like what's going on, is your life together, where u living, you with anyone, working, and other stuff too I'm sure. It's not earth shattering stuff I'm sure but we start somewhere.  And I know it doesn't take a lot of time, but actually doing it sometimes is not easy for a lot of reasons.  I know that too. I think it is worth the effort, but I am willing to respect whatever you would like.  I have tried to do that since the last we met up. But reality is (as has been) I do and always have think on you a lot. Be well and hope I hear from you.

 

Me: To be honest I'm not sure If its a good idea for us to be in contact. It might just cause more pain. If you want to talk lets start with what I was too scared to ask that one time we had dinner,  Why did you leave your child with that crazy woman all those years? Where the fuck were you?

 

Father: I guess your question is an obvious one. And it's not a simple answer. From the time your mother and I separated to the time you left to be on your own, I could tell you things that would curl your hair. But I suspect you have you own ones that are as bad. As to why in the eyes of the court parental control automatically shifts in favour of women I will never understand. It was worse then. But for what it's worth I tried and despite my efforts at the time it made no difference....when I moved to BC to work (I was out of a job for 9 months) my contact with you was even more severely controlled by her.  I did support her financially the entire time until you moved out. In fact she did not even notify me until 6 months after you were gone. None of this is excuse but explanation and can only be cold comfort I know.   

 

But It should not dictate who we are today.  You are a man who has gone through your own battles and even some demons. I suspect you are coming out the right end of it.  I know you can decide what's best for you.  I am only suggesting we make a start.  If not today then in a week a month a year.  I might be good for both of us. 

 

 

 

So that has been the exchange so far.  Some of what he wrote I have no clue if its true, I remember my mother going to court for years to get child support and she told me the government was garnishing his wages and that was the only reason she got the money. My Mother is a crazy bitch so I'm not sure what is true. Putting that aside my reaction to these emails has been mostly anger.  He seems to be blaming his lack of involvement of a bunch of things that he is not responsible for.  If I did what he did my message would be something like I am so sorry for what I did to you and I know I might never be able to make it up to you but I want to spend the rest of my life trying, When my son was a little boy I would fight to see him day and night never relenting . Where is his guilt or his sadness. It feels like he doesn't even think it was that big of a deal. I don't think  I'm being crazy here but when you read this what is the sense you get from his emails.

 

If you took the time to read all of this thank you very much.

 

 

 

 

[villagewisdom]

Hi Aaron, sorry you had to grow up without your father. I hear your anger and I also hear some sadness and a lingering desire to perhaps have a father who cares but a profound lack of trust that it could ever work.

 

His attempts to contact you seem a genuine desire to get to know you and learn about you. But who knows how he will react when you express your genuine anger at him not being there. You might proceed with some RTR. 

 

"I'm really, really angry." "I think that if we got together I would ______________, or perhaps ______________, or maybe even _______________ and all of those things are _________________ and I just get angrier and angrier." "I don't really believe you can make up for not being there for me and do not see the point. You would need to do ___________ and ____________ and _____________ for me to even consider creating a relationship with you." "I've gotten used to not having a father and don't need or want you in my life."

 

Or whatever comes to your mind. RTR and see what happens. 

 

I would also recommend phone or Skype if you do decide to give it a go. Email makes it too easy to stew over this sentence or that sentence and wonder what he meant. Email cannot convey in-the-moment emotions and empathy. You will need to be able to have real time interactions to have a real time relationship. 

 

Good luck with whatever you choose. 

[Bouncelot]

I have to agree with vilagewisdom here.

 

I also wanted to add that you need to ask yourself if you are read(have the capacity) for this, and if you are, will you regret at least not trying?

 

Text/Emails do not convay emotion. Is it possible that his choice of words were not the greatest? That he meant something else?