Hard Knocks, maybe physical healing isn't enough, beware the subconscious

[StylesGrant]

Frankly, its difficult to even begin to make my point. At first I wasn't sure I would come back onto freedomain, as I've had my differences. Yet, I don't think I was taking things case by case. At the very least, there are some pretty knowledgeable people in the crowd here about psychoanalyzing the self. And, honestly maybe I just need to get to a point where I can read certain books on fundamental patterns in adult behavior and its connection to childhood and how you rewire the damned thought process. Which is not to say I haven't been trying. Even a fool who isn't endowed with such books, will if desperate enough battle his own destructive character over the years as I have. 

 

Succinct point: I have pretty serious health issues, agoraphobia, lack of autonomy, lack of desire to 'be an adult', pursue a life of my own, total lack of desire to create real life friendships. . .But I have a solid plan to fix my health issues. It will work, over the course of two years approximately. It's the interim, the 'now' during that time that scares me. My answer for my inability to connect with people, when I had more health, had been college. Career, work, money, loans, academia, . .just bury myself in intellectualism and future fantasies of a real job where I can continue burying everything under work. . .prolific work, . . work I enjoy.. but still. So in healing my health, am I just trying to get back to that stage of my life?

 

I never really could process all of the reasons I failed to maintain connections with people. When I was younger I did ultimately go through a process of divorcing myself from my family's negativity and abuse. I at least came to the sense of seeing that I would have to treat people in the real world, workforce, school, etc radically better than I had been treated, see things more in terms of win-win, then 'cut you before you cut me, do this or I'll do 'x' to you,',. ;partly a divorce of my upbringing, and a departure from the small town mentality of illegitimate power relations in the towns,. ex. no employer could get away with treating a person born in Portland the way he could a person from a small rural Texas town in his local business. The subculture is that people push illiberal convention on to you in all areas of life, i.e. they push their overbearing authoritarian parental character, religion, politics,. because Southern Catholic and Protestant are very authoritarian. 

 

But ironically, I wasn't directly raised religious, I was just raised by a single, severely psychotic, alcoholic mother with frequent involvement of deeply manipulative aunts. The blunt quick explanation is that a) our family was extremely judgmental and hyper critical and moralistic, like all the religious guilt and control without the religion, because she and her sibling were raised Catholic. There general views on life were profoundly negative, manipulative, vindictive, and reactionary. b) My mother always had severe health issues as well.

 

To add to that, my health was poor in high school, and I had considerable weight problems. I know the weight issues have kept me averse to other people, but it didn't really get better during a 3 year period of healthy weight. I just could not take the leap of really socially developing in college. I just focused on work. 

 

I find that I cannot really approach people or share my identity or views or especially my current situation. For me I think poverty always made me extremely self-conscious to share. I wouldn't ever let people know about where I lived, ate at, drove, whether I worked. I've lived my life on the defense, suspecting bereavement at every turn by anyone who gets too close. 

 

Fast forward a bit to health and yes even mental health. Well I have a main protocol. I've got a main diet. I want to relose the weight. Exercise, hell even maybe cold thermogenesis. I'm seriously considering reading Taoism, and Stoic texts, beginning meditation. I'm pretty intensely into the biohacking thing. I listen to Tim Ferriss, Joe Rogan, and Duncan Trussell quite a bit. So anything along the line of meditative texts, martial arts, deconstruction of the character, is basically bullseye attention from me. 

 

I just basically lost a friend after a year and a half, well the closest thing to a friend/woman who I met online. Now granted, its easy to attack low hanging fruit when its a woman, but let me be clear: No 'human' relationship of mine lasts that long, let alone anything remotely romantic. Wasn't that it ended bitterly. We drifted apart. Couldn't get her to respond or reconnect. It blows really. The last conversation we had, she told me she had been doing dialysis, moving, dealing with a sick grandparent, school, but 'to bare with her' 'wait' 'I want you around, keep coming around'. .anyhow she drifted away with no real desire to get in touch. I take it she grew bored of me. Hard Knocks.

 

So I'm speaking to another girl who I've known for a little while, who I already know I am not going to bother to attempt to bullshit with any feigned flattery or passion. It isn't worth it, and her interest won't take. But, this is where I know I'm really screwing up. I learned that she too grew up really poor, in Oregon on a farm and trailer park, the fifth child, wore hand me downs till she was 15. Worked in a canning factory while in high school from 15 to 21 to help pay for college, got a very good albeit poorly marketable degree. 

 

Like at this point, it isn't coincidence, it's straight up mockery in that its my subconscious psychology. My mother worked from the time she was 14, is the fucking fifth child, that wore hand me downs, lived in a trailer park. Hell if you look at this girl, and look at my mom when she was 19 in her pictures. . .its a fucking joke its so blatant. And this girl is smart as can be in psychology and anthropology and things of that sort. Surprisingly my mom was too before her illnesses and habits wore her down to something now that's really just a shell of the original. Which I know, Molyneux said some things about 'trying to save your mother through women'. But, well this girl is doing vastly better than me, she's happy, has money, travels, stable, . .but is definitely socially averse and defensive like myself.

 

So I had to include that diversion to point out an example of how I know all these patterns are coming up from past memory. Part of my health issue though, I have some pretty intense memory issues. I really haven't dwelt on my adolescence much the last few years. I know its simmering in the back. To the degree I could try to pick apart even case of how my family fucked me over, well even if I could, I'm not sure what I'd remember. I remember the way they made me feel far more than what was said. 

 

So now all I know is, physical healing is definitely not enough, almost surely. I truly don't know what the hell to do with my so called 'childhood'. But, I know I'm working with a short straw, and something's got to be addressed. 

[Drew.]

It seems like you have a lot to share. That you want to be listened to, noticed, appreciated, and accepted. You're hurting, and you're not sure what to do about it. I've wanted to respond to your post, but I put it off because of how confused I felt while reading it, and I think that confusion I experienced is likely your own confusion that you're trying to get across to another person.

 

Have you thought about seeking psychotherapy? Having another person help me sort my stuff out out and help me to witness myself and my pain has been has been super helpful. I think it can help you too, help you to gain more clarity, certainty, and direction in your life. If you're interested, I would like to reach out and offer my services.

[Beour]

Hi StylesGrant,

First of all I want to say how sorry I am for all the pain you're going through right now. There are some things I can relate to and I really feel for you.

I agree with Drew Woods about seeking a therapist. I too have a lot of issues with my memories but ever since I started going to my therapist over a year ago, she's really helped me remember important things from my childhood. Just talking and talking with her activates childhood memories and with new information, she's able to help me make progress.

Like Stefan says, go shopping for a therapist. Best of luck