Overcoming hypersensitivity to criticism

[Mothra]

Does anyone have any advice for overcoming hypersensitivity to criticism? I tend to shut down or almost dissociate when criticized (even, or especially when those are valid criticisms). I am also very introspective, but worry there are things I don't recognize about myself. I would like to know how others perceive me, but am scared of being criticized so I don't often seek others opinions about me. How do I get past this so I can get a more objective view of myself?

[DaVinci]

Why do you think you "shut down" when criticized? You mentioned valid criticism. For it to be valid it would also have to be understanding, so why are you worried about people who are saying things about you who have an understanding of you? Unless you think that not all of the criticism is valid, or warranted?

[Drew.]

Your emotional responses are trying to tell you something important. When you shut down, it is a defence mechanism. What is that defence mechanism trying to tell you? How do you feel toward this defence mechanism? Do you like that you shut down, do you dislike it, are you mad, sad, glad, or afraid? Get to know and understand the defence mechanism (IFS is a super helpful tool to use here) and learn how it's trying to help you. Then you might discover what it's not letting you experience.

[MysterionMuffles]

Hmm are you sure it's criticism you receive, and not insults?

[Mothra]

Why do you think you "shut down" when criticized? You mentioned valid criticism. For it to be valid it would also have to be understanding, so why are you worried about people who are saying things about you who have an understanding of you? Unless you think that not all of the criticism is valid, or warranted?

 

Your emotional responses are trying to tell you something important. When you shut down, it is a defence mechanism. What is that defence mechanism trying to tell you? How do you feel toward this defence mechanism? Do you like that you shut down, do you dislike it, are you mad, sad, glad, or afraid? Get to know and understand the defence mechanism (IFS is a super helpful tool to use here) and learn how it's trying to help you. Then you might discover what it's not letting you experience.

 

I think when I shut down I am trying to protect the image I have about myself. If anything punctures that, I get very anxious. It's almost like I need to be special and perfect, and anything that gets through that makes me freak out. It's perplexing and frustrating to me because I want to connect with other people, but this notion of me being different or special gets in the way of that. I definitely do not like this about myself. It makes me mad because I think not being able to "take it" makes me weak. I'm also mad because I feel like it's blocking my ability to think however objectively one can about themselves.

 

I'm trying to think of why a part of me thinks it's so important to be special and perfect. I don't remember a lot of my childhood in terms of actually interacting with my parents. I was one of those overscheduled and managed kids, so most of what I remember is at school or different activities. I don't remember any particular point or explicit conversation in my family where I felt that I must be a certain way to make them love me. To me, it was just normal to be carted around to a different thing every day of the week. I think my parents fed into my ego by telling me I was special, smart, and talented, and then lived vicariously through my achievements. I've been trying to think a lot about how my childhood has shaped me, but it's difficult because I don't remember so much. What would be some things to try and focus on?

 

 

Hmm are you sure it's criticism you receive, and not insults?

 

I know they are different, but how do you technically define each one? For example, at work I have to call people and leave messages sometimes. This one lady called me back and left a message telling me that my message was "incomprehensible," which stung pretty hard. But sometimes I do stumble over my words, so I may have been just that. But having someone explicitly point that out to me is anxiety-producing. For a more personal example, my boyfriend has told me on occasion that I come off as too sensitive (in general). It feels like he is pointing out a weakness, which makes me terribly uncomfortable.

 

When I think of insults, I think of stuff like bitch, crazy, ugly, etc. intended just to hurt someone. Criticisms seem more tempered and rooted in reality. What do you think?

[PGP]

Is it like there's this "perfect" form or you could call it a soul? It's "you" in some sense but it only exists if certain illusion is adhered to. I've come onto this in my own writing lately. In my own case (my current understanding etc.) , it relates to recognition of my existence as an entity by those that conferred existence in my childhood, mainly my mother. This "perfect" form is what gained approval and therefore is a dependent and highly unstable entity that must be calibrated constantly to meet the requirements of approval. In this way, it became the ultimate method of control, namely that of "existence" itself. All energy and effort is fed into this illusion to the expense of the true self. I consider it masochism. And you have to learn to love being a masochist in order to survive.

 

For me, this led in my teens and early twenties to a "walling" off of negative emotion and then to walling off of all emotion. In the numbness, behind the wall, the illusion can be maintained. Any "attack" on the "perfect" form, especially in how it gained approval was an attack not on some aspect of my personality or behaviour or performance, but much more dangerously, an attack on my very existence.

 

I can relate alot to the convoluted language. It's like you do not want to leave any angle for attack and thereby come across as incomprehensible. Circles within circles within circles to avoid saying anything at all that could be deemed offensive.

 

I'm just a pilgrim at this aswell, so maybe the more advanced chaps could comment further.

[DaVinci]

I think when I shut down I am trying to protect the image I have about myself. If anything punctures that, I get very anxious. It's almost like I need to be special and perfect, and anything that gets through that makes me freak out. It's perplexing and frustrating to me because I want to connect with other people, but this notion of me being different or special gets in the way of that. I definitely do not like this about myself. It makes me mad because I think not being able to "take it" makes me weak. I'm also mad because I feel like it's blocking my ability to think however objectively one can about themselves.

 

I'm trying to think of why a part of me thinks it's so important to be special and perfect. I don't remember a lot of my childhood in terms of actually interacting with my parents. I was one of those overscheduled and managed kids, so most of what I remember is at school or different activities. I don't remember any particular point or explicit conversation in my family where I felt that I must be a certain way to make them love me. To me, it was just normal to be carted around to a different thing every day of the week. I think my parents fed into my ego by telling me I was special, smart, and talented, and then lived vicariously through my achievements. I've been trying to think a lot about how my childhood has shaped me, but it's difficult because I don't remember so much. What would be some things to try and focus on?

 

 

 

 

I know they are different, but how do you technically define each one? For example, at work I have to call people and leave messages sometimes. This one lady called me back and left a message telling me that my message was "incomprehensible," which stung pretty hard. But sometimes I do stumble over my words, so I may have been just that. But having someone explicitly point that out to me is anxiety-producing. For a more personal example, my boyfriend has told me on occasion that I come off as too sensitive (in general). It feels like he is pointing out a weakness, which makes me terribly uncomfortable.

 

When I think of insults, I think of stuff like bitch, crazy, ugly, etc. intended just to hurt someone. Criticisms seem more tempered and rooted in reality. What do you think?

There is a lot of science now dealing with the idea of the fixed mindset vs the growth mindset. So you end up being in the fixed mindset if you just tell a kid "You're special" "You're talented" and things like that. They won't work as hard as the growth mindset person who has been told "You worked really hard". So your parents might have unknowingly conditioned you to feel like you don't have to work hard by saying those types of things. Not that you didn't work at what you did, but you didn't work as hard as someone who has had their hardwork reinforced instead of their "specialness".

 

I would add to this that someone who doesn't work as hard as they could and gets told how special they are is probably not going to be as open to criticism because it doesn't jive with the "But I'm special and talented!" voice in the back of their head. So if you think this is happening in your case you just need to make yourself conscious of it and try to catch it before you "shut down" or have anxiety.

 

All that being said, I think you need to watch out for what you were talking about in your last paragraph. Working in any business that directly deals with people you are inevitably going to run into people who criticize you. In this case, that your message was called "incomprehensible" is the criticism. Is it valid? Maybe, but why is this person bothering to mention this? Did they respond to the content of the message? If so they must have understood it well enough to call back and leave the response they did.

 

The same thing goes for being called "sensitive". This, in my experience, is the tactic of a bully. For example a bully will tell you "You're stupid... oh, I'm just kidding! lol", and the "I'm just kidding" part is a manipulation to make what they said ambiguous. If they had just said "You're stupid." you could dismiss them, or point out their rudeness, but "Im kidding" is an attempt to qualify their rudeness as something it isn't. Now it is an insult, and a joke, and you can't take offense to something ambiguous because that would make you the jerk.

 

So now imagine someone tells you something and you feel hurt by what they said, and you voice this hurt. What do people say. "Oh, you're being so sensitive". It's the same manipulation. They just forgot to add a qualifier originally and now they have to call you sensitive to make you look like a jerk as opposed to actually taking ownership of something they said that hurt you or actually adressing how you feel.

[Pepin]

I think when I shut down I am trying to protect the image I have about myself. If anything punctures that, I get very anxious. It's almost like I need to be special and perfect, and anything that gets through that makes me freak out. It's perplexing and frustrating to me because I want to connect with other people, but this notion of me being different or special gets in the way of that. I definitely do not like this about myself. It makes me mad because I think not being able to "take it" makes me weak. I'm also mad because I feel like it's blocking my ability to think however objectively one can about themselves.

 

I'm trying to think of why a part of me thinks it's so important to be special and perfect. I don't remember a lot of my childhood in terms of actually interacting with my parents. I was one of those overscheduled and managed kids, so most of what I remember is at school or different activities. I don't remember any particular point or explicit conversation in my family where I felt that I must be a certain way to make them love me. To me, it was just normal to be carted around to a different thing every day of the week. I think my parents fed into my ego by telling me I was special, smart, and talented, and then lived vicariously through my achievements. I've been trying to think a lot ab...

 

What occurs to me here is that you aren't trying to so much protect your image, but rather that you are trying to control it. This likely makes sense as your parents seemed to employ the same method. They didn't attempt to understand you as a person or to engage with you on a personal level, rather they controlled how they and others would perceive you through putting out a certain image.

 

Where I am less sure about is how you are dealing with this psychologically. Having gained freedom from your parents, you might fear other's opinions and criticism because it feels like someone is attempting to control you again. The impulse to be a prop in play might kick in, and it would likely be difficult to deal with. With this sort of ambivalence occurring, it would likely be difficult to maintain a sense of self, as you suddenly see yourself in terms of others perception of you as opposed to your own perception of yourself.

 

Or, other people's criticism might conflict with what your parents groomed you to be, which creates a great struggle between your inner parents and your ego.

 

I experienced something like that myself. I was trained by my grandmother to be a good Christian boy. I would never want to bring up the topic of religion with friends because the criticism would cause a huge inner turmoil between the good Christian boy I was supposed to be and my own judgement. I would think about how if I started to even doubt, my grandmother, my pastor, my parents, and so many more people would be disappointed with me. That this image that I had taken so long to build up would be shattered like glass, and I would be unable to even find the pieces.

 

Something that struck me hard a few years ago was that "I am not a concept". It sounds so strange, but for most of my life I had been defining myself through conceptual means.

 

I am Christian. I don't swear. I am shy. I am a thinker. I am a good guy. I don't do drugs. I get along with others. I prefer truth over falsehood. I am chill. I don't have emotions. I don't care about what people think... and so on. I was defining who I was from the top down. For me to act in a way that contradicted any of these meant I was to lose part of my identity. For someone to question me about why I didn't swear, about why I was Christian, about why I try so hard to avoid conflict, was for the person to start clawing away at the aspects that I believed to be me. How would I act if I didn't have these labels? Who would I be if I didn't see myself in these terms? Further, how would others know who I was if I lost my identity?

 

If that struck some sort of chord with you, then I might be onto something. If not, well... sometimes you miss.

[Drew.]

I think when I shut down I am trying to protect the image I have about myself. If anything punctures that, I get very anxious. It's almost like I need to be special and perfect, and anything that gets through that makes me freak out. It's perplexing and frustrating to me because I want to connect with other people, but this notion of me being different or special gets in the way of that. I definitely do not like this about myself. It makes me mad because I think not being able to "take it" makes me weak. I'm also mad because I feel like it's blocking my ability to think however objectively one can about themselves.

 

I'm trying to think of why a part of me thinks it's so important to be special and perfect. I don't remember a lot of my childhood in terms of actually interacting with my parents. I was one of those overscheduled and managed kids, so most of what I remember is at school or different activities. I don't remember any particular point or explicit conversation in my family where I felt that I must be a certain way to make them love me. To me, it was just normal to be carted around to a different thing every day of the week. I think my parents fed into my ego by telling me I was special, smart, and talented, and then lived vicariously through my achievements. I've been trying to think a lot about how my childhood has shaped me, but it's difficult because I don't remember so much. What would be some things to try and focus on?

 

 

There is a real need to feel like we're special and important. I've felt it, and you're feeling it here. You didn't feel like you were special or important to your parents, and this need to feel that way is an echo of what you were missing. So, you have to meet that need for yourself. An inflated ego is a defense mechanism, instead of feeling like you were inherently special, you were told that you were certain things that made you valuable. So, you have to reparent yourself to meet this need. It's a simple process to share and say, but I really advise working with a therapist for this, as it is a difficult process (it's very easy to get distracted or ignore certain aspects of your inner experience) if you don't have any experience with doing it. After a handful (maybe more) of experiences with it, it should come more naturally.

[Mothra]

What occurs to me here is that you aren't trying to so much protect your image, but rather that you are trying to control it. This likely makes sense as your parents seemed to employ the same method. They didn't attempt to understand you as a person or to engage with you on a personal level, rather they controlled how they and others would perceive you through putting out a certain image.

 

Where I am less sure about is how you are dealing with this psychologically. Having gained freedom from your parents, you might fear other's opinions and criticism because it feels like someone is attempting to control you again. The impulse to be a prop in play might kick in, and it would likely be difficult to deal with. With this sort of ambivalence occurring, it would likely be difficult to maintain a sense of self, as you suddenly see yourself in terms of others perception of you as opposed to your own perception of yourself.

 

Or, other people's criticism might conflict with what your parents groomed you to be, which creates a great struggle between your inner parents and your ego.

 

This makes sense to me. I've been trying to think about what I am actually afraid of. What would it actually mean if others thought I was imperfect? What would it mean if I actually was imperfect? Maybe I've built my sense of self around being perfect.

 

I've been thinking about this a lot the past couple days but have mostly been drawing a blank.

 

 

There is a lot of science now dealing with the idea of the fixed mindset vs the growth mindset. So you end up being in the fixed mindset if you just tell a kid "You're special" "You're talented" and things like that. They won't work as hard as the growth mindset person who has been told "You worked really hard". So your parents might have unknowingly conditioned you to feel like you don't have to work hard by saying those types of things. Not that you didn't work at what you did, but you didn't work as hard as someone who has had their hardwork reinforced instead of their "specialness".

 

I would add to this that someone who doesn't work as hard as they could and gets told how special they are is probably not going to be as open to criticism because it doesn't jive with the "But I'm special and talented!" voice in the back of their head. So if you think this is happening in your case you just need to make yourself conscious of it and try to catch it before you "shut down" or have anxiety.

 

I don't know if this makes any sense, but I seem to have swung pretty far in the other direction. About 10 years ago I went back to school and worked really hard and was quite successful. People would say "oh you're so smart" and I would say, "no, I just spent a ton of time studying." I now abhor people who get things without working hard for them, and almost take personal offense at this. In fact, I tend to be quite judgmental. I have a hard time watching movies or listening to music that obviously took no thought to create because I just end up getting mad.

[Pepin]

This makes sense to me. I've been trying to think about what I am actually afraid of. What would it actually mean if others thought I was imperfect? What would it mean if I actually was imperfect? Maybe I've built my sense of self around being perfect.

 

I've been thinking about this a lot the past couple days but have mostly been drawing a blank.

 

It is tough.

 

I think the fact that the question "what would it actually mean if others thought I was imperfect" makes sense to you is a clue. Rationally you understand that you are not perfect, that people don't see you as perfect, but for some reason you fear not being perfect and others not seeing you as perfect. That doesn't really make sense as there is a contradiction.

 

Though I am not one to play the childhood card that much, I feel as though this is one of those childhood things.

 

Imagine you got arrested for being drunk in public. You are being held in jail, and you have no choice but to call your parents to pick you up. What kind of thoughts arise? How does this make you feel?

[Mothra]

It is tough.

 

I think the fact that the question "what would it actually mean if others thought I was imperfect" makes sense to you is a clue. Rationally you understand that you are not perfect, that people don't see you as perfect, but for some reason you fear not being perfect and others not seeing you as perfect. That doesn't really make sense as there is a contradiction.

 

Though I am not one to play the childhood card that much, I feel as though this is one of those childhood things.

 

Imagine you got arrested for being drunk in public. You are being held in jail, and you have no choice but to call your parents to pick you up. What kind of thoughts arise? How does this make you feel?

 

Hmm... that's a good question. I have an immediate negative visceral response to it, but I'm not sure I know how to label the feelings that arise from it. Shame I think... Definitely not liking the fact that I would be dependent on them. It would be like they won... they would be able to feel like they were good and I was bad. The good rescuers come in and save the day for the bad screw-up. But they're not really good, they're fake people. And I would be hating the fact that I would have to bite my tongue and not recognize the fact that they're fake. I would feel the need to play along with their little game and give them what they needed, which is to feel like they are good for rescuing me. I feel like on some deep level that they're not even conscious of, they would love for me to fuck up again so they could rush in and save me and then pat themselves on the back for it. Because then that event would take center stage and every other instance of where they were fake, shallow, condescending or invalidating would fade into the background.

 

I should probably mention that I did fuck up pretty bad after a long spell of trying to be perfect. I went off the deep end with depression, self harm, alcoholism, and drug addiction. So these are all familiar feelings to me.

 

Coincidentally, this is kind of what I am feeling now in a different way. I'm in the middle of a relationship which I am not sure is going to work out. We live together, and if we were to break up I would probably need to stay with my mom for a bit until I was able to find a place of my own I could afford. One of the factors keeping me in the relationship is the fear of doing just that. I hate that I still need her to some degree.

 

 

There is a real need to feel like we're special and important. I've felt it, and you're feeling it here. You didn't feel like you were special or important to your parents, and this need to feel that way is an echo of what you were missing. So, you have to meet that need for yourself. An inflated ego is a defense mechanism, instead of feeling like you were inherently special, you were told that you were certain things that made you valuable. So, you have to reparent yourself to meet this need. It's a simple process to share and say, but I really advise working with a therapist for this, as it is a difficult process (it's very easy to get distracted or ignore certain aspects of your inner experience) if you don't have any experience with doing it. After a handful (maybe more) of experiences with it, it should come more naturally.

 

I've heard the word "reparent" in several podcasts. What exactly do you mean by that?

[Cosmin]

This makes sense to me. I've been trying to think about what I am actually afraid of. What would it actually mean if others thought I was imperfect? What would it mean if I actually was imperfect? Maybe I've built my sense of self around being perfect.

 

You probably are on to something. The simple truth is that you are not perfect, nobody is.

Also, if somebody criticizes you, nothing bad actually happens, it is only a problem if you think it is. 

So you could start by repeating these things to yourself several times a day, and gradually putting yourself in situations where you are criticized, so you can see that you are OK.

 

I highly recommend cognitive behavioral therapy, it has helped me a lot with similar issues in just a few months.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvgtwMCaIcU

[Drew.]

 

I've heard the word "reparent" in several podcasts. What exactly do you mean by that?

 

Oh my, I hope that it's just the term that you're not familiar with. I say this because in my own experience and in my work with others, reparenting is the process that brings about real, lasting change. For example, a couple of months ago, my close friends moved away from Vietnam. I had to stay due to financial constraints. As a result, I began to feel incredibly lonely, because I've been with these people for the majority of the last three years or so. I use IFS where we treat defense mechanisms, behaviors, and feelings as parts or people inside of our heads so that we can better relate and navigate the psyche. So, I treated it like there was someone hurting inside of me, and I listened to what my loneliness was saying. I discovered what needs it had, and how they weren't met in the past. I found out about the pains that I have with those feelings, and then I tried to send warm and loving feelings toward myself. In essence, I split myself into two parts, one is this lonely, needy aspect of myself (with child-like energy) and then I had a mature, loving part that consoled it, showed love, and all of the things that we would do to help a child in need (this process is reparenting). As a result, I met my own need. Now, I feel a lot more comfortable being alone. Feeling lonely is a less often occurrence, and it doesn't seem to happen because I want to be around friends, but for other reasons that I've yet to fully explore and heal.

 

It's amazing stuff. I see it as the most important, powerful, and growth-inducing part of the process.

[LovePrevails]

Does anyone have any advice for overcoming hypersensitivity to criticism? I tend to shut down or almost dissociate when criticized (even, or especially when those are valid criticisms). I am also very introspective, but worry there are things I don't recognize about myself. I would like to know how others perceive me, but am scared of being criticized so I don't often seek others opinions about me. How do I get past this so I can get a more objective view of myself?

 

Your post reminded me to upload this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8DXVyO91Apc 

 

it sounds like you have learned to protect yourself from criticism because it was too frequent and too scathing

practising the  technique I suggest may actually help you be able to handle criticism when it is well intended and identify when it is actually people just trolling or attacking you