Is it ever too late to apologize for hurting someone?

[perrytheplat]

Topics:

Equal moral agency

Ghosts in the relationships

Reciprocity in relationships

 

 

 

I will keep it short and sweet. My ex dumped me 7 months ago. I had no clue what really happened at the time and I was super upset and puzzled. I knew there was a problem. I just couldn't find out what it was.

After months of self-knowledge seeking, and a lot of time listening to Freedomain Radio, I found that the simplest answer and what she was telling me was true.

After coming across several topics such as ghosts in our relationships, equal moral agency, and reciprocity in relationships, I got it.

The truth:
I really didn't listen to her and I was invalidating her feelings. Of course, this is how someone can fall out of love with you. It all makes sense now. I was stuck fighting the ghosts of my past relationships. (familial, platonic, romantic) Everyone has triggers and react certain ways. I didn't recognize it at the time but now I feel like a complete ****. Looking back, plain words can have so many meanings. I was not equipped with the tools to understand what I was being told. Of course, I didn't mean to do this but I did, and I wasn't even aware of it. That is terribly hurtful and I'm quite shocked at myself that I was capable of that and I'm deeply sorry for it. She deserved better.This was a really scary truth to confront but it's the truth.

Is it too late after 7 months to say I'm sorry. We've both blocked each other on social media at this point. 

I would most likely have to send her a physical handwritten letter .. keep it short and simple ... with no expectations of anything. I just feel like I need to right a wrong before that corrosive experience can effect her life in bad ways ... similarly to how my past issues destroyed our relationships.

 

Is it too late to apologize for hurting her? Back then I couldn't see the truth, but now I do and I feel like I treated a good person badly.

[Alice Amell]

I dont think it is too late. You sound like you want to. Is there any reason you think you shouldn't? If nothing else you will feel better. I think she would appreciate the apology too, even if she still doesn't want to talk to you. And I think you are right to not expect anything from her if you apologize, even if that's painful. What are your thoughts?

[MMX2010]

 

Is it too late to apologize for hurting her? Back then I couldn't see the truth, but now I do and I feel like I treated a good person badly.

 

 

As usual, I'll take the unpopular / dissenting view.

 

This woman dumped you seven months ago, right? 

 

Do you think she (A) sobs herself to sleep at night, because you didn't understand her feelings, which scarred her so badly that she is now unlikely to find love with another man OR (B) smiles silently to herself every night before she goes to sleep either because she's found someone else, because she knows dumping you was the right move, or because both-of-these? 

 

From my experience with women, the odds are roughly 98% that it's B.  And if it's B, she doesn't need your apology!  She needs you to move on, ideally hyper-determined to not make the same mistake with the Next Woman.  But she'll also gratefully settle for much less ideal situations, provided that you never contact her again. 

 

If you're dead-certain that it's A, by all means, apologize.  But if it's not A, then you're not understanding her feelings - again - and are apologizing to her to make yourself feel good, which defeats the purpose of apologizing. 

[perrytheplat]

I dont think it is too late. You sound like you want to. Is there any reason you think you shouldn't? If nothing else you will feel better. I think she would appreciate the apology too, even if she still doesn't want to talk to you. And I think you are right to not expect anything from her if you apologize, even if that's painful. What are your thoughts?

 

The only thing that really interferes with my thoughts about it is the fact that because of the possibility that I am leaning too strongly in one direction and not applying equal moral agency to her.

 

We are both responsible for what we did and said and it seems like after all of this time ... it seems like she feels no remorse for her part in things. I'm not looking to cast blame to relieve myself of my responsibility to any degree. I'm just thinking about it in reference to the type of person that she is (the virtues that she has). Some part of me does not agree with the fact that someone can do harm and act as if their mistakes and unjust actions were insignificant. Like Stef says often ... we found each other because we were compatible because we found each other at equal levels of growth. I'm not sure how self-aware she is of what she did or not and of course that's for her to explore and decide on her own time.

 

It's quite possible that I've grown beyond where she is at the moment. I guess I'm kind of confused because I still have feelings for her. It would be great if we could grow and learn together, but that's not a decision for me to make.

 

So I've resolved to stick with simple facts:

1. I've treated someone unjustly

2. I can only make choices for myself.

3. I legitimately feel remorse for doing unjust things to her as I should.

4. I hope that the things that I inflicted do not negatively affect her future as some past actions have subconsciously affected mine.

 

That's all really. So I think I'm on the right track. I'm happy to answer any questions at all.

[Alice Amell]

it seems like she feels no remorse for her part in things. I'm not looking to cast blame to relieve myself of my responsibility to any degree. I'm just thinking about it in reference to the type of person that she is (the virtues that she has). 

Maybe I don't understand. What did she do? Do you mean by choosing to be with you that she shouldn't have expected better? Maybe that's true, or maybe she left because at the time you weren't up to her level of growth or standards or whatever? How do you know she feels no remorse? You say "it seems" which is only a guess. In any case, maybe she thinks you do not feel any remorse? If you apologize she will at least know that you do.

[RicardoMata]

I think your insight is wonderfull and so far everything has made sense. The fact that are going to tell her what you feel with no expectations about her response is a very mature way of dealing with the issue, in my opinion.

 

On the topic of is it too late to apologize. An apology is only as valid as the emotions connected to the apology. Having been raised in a bullshit-non-apology family I've always felt that when my family members apologized to me it was meaningless and manipulative.

 

If you are sure of the emotions surrounding your apology, or rather, the motivation of your apology then it's never too late.

 

Maybe it's not the apropriate topic to bring up but are you working on your childhood ? Trying to remember it, asking your parents what was like, and so on.... I think it's relevant given that we are talking about relationships and it might explain why you feel atracted to her.

 

Best of luck on your road to self-knowledge!!

[perrytheplat]

I think your insight is wonderfull and so far everything has made sense. The fact that are going to tell her what you feel with no expectations about her response is a very mature way of dealing with the issue, in my opinion.

 

On the topic of is it too late to apologize. An apology is only as valid as the emotions connected to the apology. Having been raised in a bullshit-non-apology family I've always felt that when my family members apologized to me it was meaningless and manipulative.

 

If you are sure of the emotions surrounding your apology, or rather, the motivation of your apology then it's never too late.

 

Maybe it's not the apropriate topic to bring up but are you working on your childhood ? Trying to remember it, asking your parents what was like, and so on.... I think it's relevant given that we are talking about relationships and it might explain why you feel atracted to her.

 

Best of luck on your road to self-knowledge!!

 

I've done some thinking about this and yes I can draw connections between my childhood and my past behaviors in relation to a lot of things.

 

My ACE Score is a 4-5/10

Her ACE Score would be a 9/10

 

If I'm being honest, it was pure chance that we met each other.  Everything happened very fast in the beginning as we didn't really know each other. It was unlike anything I've experienced before so perhaps I was looking for change. I know for instance I wouldn't want to be with someone like my mom. I also had a brother who had serious issues and was also abusive. It's part of why I don't live at my mom's house anymore. My brother also lives there.  My father was a good father by default although he was also detached a bit because he worked 90% of the time. He never yelled or hit me and all of our interactions were always positive ones with no violence. He passed away several years ago of cancer. I was also diagnosed with UC 2 years after he passed which caused a lot of trauma and stress in my life.

 

I've been through my fair share of things.  I also had the bad experience in my early teens of having a girl get between me and my best friend and destroying that friendship by playing the both of us which resulted in difficulty connecting with and trusting others.

 

I've dated between 5-10 people my whole life. Close to the single digits. Only slept with 2. I'm by no means one of those people who doesn't try to address issues and moves on to the next person to try and bury the truth.

[Matthew Ed Moran]

This is a huge topic, man. Do you have a good therapist? If not, why not call into the show about this?

 

Why do you think she chose you as a mate in the first place?

 

What do you mean you didn't know what happened when she broke up with you? Do you mean you were confused why she broke up with you?

 

Why are you using moral language if this was a consensual adult (or peer) relationship? If you did not violate the NAP, what did you do morally wrong? Maybe you have regrets, but that doesn't necessarily imply what you did was morally wrong, right?

 

Who chose to block whom first, and why? (don't answer if you're uncomfortable)

 

Did she effect you in any bad ways by enabling, excusing, or encouraging the ways in which you invalidated her feeling? It seems you have empathized with her feelings (or at least are attempting to and feel regret); did she do the same for your experience (if you have shared it with her)?

 

Also, very sorry about your ACE. It's important to remember ACE scores are not comprehensive and do not necessarily reflect the trauma you experienced as a child. 4-5 and a score of 9 are both extremely poor, and it is remarkable you are both making brave changes upon realizing this.

[Lingum]

I'm struggling a bit trying to understand what it is exactly you should apologize for. Your regrets, for lack of a better word, are very generic:
 

I really didn't listen to her and I was invalidating her feelings. Of course, this is how someone can fall out of love with you.

I get the impression that the things you feel you need to apologize for, are things she has instructed you that you did wrong, because they hurt her feelings. I think that's worth exploring first.

The first thing I want to point out, is that there is a difference between you hurting someone, and someone feeling hurt. If I say the same things to two different people, they could have wildly different reactions. One can have no reaction, while the other is feeling hurt. It does not necessarily follow then, that I hurt the second person. According to REBT, our emotional reactions to situations are dictated not by the situations (here, other people), but by our internalized values. This is very important to keep in mind when someone is critiscizing you because of how your actions affected them. A lot of time, people expect you to apologise because they feel bad, even though their feelings are caused by their own dysfunctional values and expectations.
 
Secondly, you wrote that her ACE score is 9. You weren't the only person struggling with dysfunction in this relationship. She would've been dysfunctional by definition, because she chose you as a suitable partner. However, you seem to be riddled with a lot of guilt. If she's not, then I think something is off about you wanting to apologize. Let me highlight a few statements that concern me:
 

(...)I knew there was a problem. I just couldn't find out what it was.
(...)I found that the simplest answer and what she was telling me was true.
(...)I didn't recognize it at the time but now I feel like a complete ****.
(...)Looking back, plain words can have so many meanings. I was not equipped with the tools to understand what I was being told.

 

Common theme in bold: She is telling you something, but you can't find out what.

 

These statements indicate to me the possibility that you're taking responsibility for your own dysfunctions and hers, and you're unaware of it. When something was bugging her, did she explain it to you, or did she keep things to herself and blame you for her feelings? Did she listen to you expressing how you felt, or did she accuse you of not validating her feelings instead? Did she take responsibility for her own actions, or claim you (or other people) made her do them? Was she direct and honest with you?
 
You also told us you had a bad experience with a girl who pit you against your best friend. This indicates to me that you have trouble saying no to women. Do you have a history of letting women use you? Have your other relationships been equally reciprocal, or have they demanded more from you than they're giving? Does any of this strike a resemblance with your relationship with your mother?
 
This is why I think an apology might be premature. In fact, that your guilt might be as well.

[perrytheplat]

This is a huge topic, man. Do you have a good therapist? If not, why not call into the show about this?

 

Why do you think she chose you as a mate in the first place?

 

What do you mean you didn't know what happened when she broke up with you? Do you mean you were confused why she broke up with you?

 

Why are you using moral language if this was a consensual adult (or peer) relationship? If you did not violate the NAP, what did you do morally wrong? Maybe you have regrets, but that doesn't necessarily imply what you did was morally wrong, right?

 

Who chose to block whom first, and why? (don't answer if you're uncomfortable)

 

Did she effect you in any bad ways by enabling, excusing, or encouraging the ways in which you invalidated her feeling? It seems you have empathized with her feelings (or at least are attempting to and feel regret); did she do the same for your experience (if you have shared it with her)?

 

Also, very sorry about your ACE. It's important to remember ACE scores are not comprehensive and do not necessarily reflect the trauma you experienced as a child. 4-5 and a score of 9 are both extremely poor, and it is remarkable you are both making brave changes upon realizing this.

Thanks for your answer Matt. I would love to call into the show about it as I do not have a therapist at the moment. I'm trying to find a good one. 

 

We both just kind of started talking and clicked and things went fast. Stef will laugh .. we took things in a sexual direction in no more than a week's time. In hindsight ... not such a great decision. We both knew something was wrong, but we didn't know what it was ... or at least I didn't. We lost connection. Speaking for myself, I was defending/attacking her for things she was doing but also probably because I had triggers from my past relationships. I can point out a few just to name some.

 

What I did was sort of on par with emotional bullying and some blarping ... although she was guilty of the same thing.

 

After we split she unfriended me, refriended me (accepted) and unfriended me again. Months later she sent me a request to which I ignored as it was painful and I was still trying to grow. (She wanted to remain friends ... and I told her I couldn't do that btw) I blocked her first to keep her out of sight so that I could grow.

 

She did enable and encourage it (the testing that many women do). She would ask me for my feelings and then call me a pussy for telling them to her. I didn't stand for that one. She did that and then started crying which I figured was manipulative and I left. I wasn't going to take part in that bad acting (I thought at the time).

 

Thanks in regard to the ACE thing.  Yeah I know it's not a scale of how terrible it is.  I think it's actually quite common to have some sort of ACE score since society is so messed up.  I recognize and I'm proud of my decision to consciously make positive changes in my life ... I can't say the same for her ... for someone who hasn't even shown any remorse at all. That's not my problem though ... I just want to own my failures and my apology is part of that for me on a personal basis.

I'm struggling a bit trying to understand what it is exactly you should apologize for. Your regrets, for lack of a better word, are very generic:

 

I get the impression that the things you feel you need to apologize for, are things she has instructed you that you did wrong, because they hurt her feelings. I think that's worth exploring first.

 

The first thing I want to point out, is that there is a difference between you hurting someone, and someone feeling hurt. If I say the same things to two different people, they could have wildly different reactions. One can have no reaction, while the other is feeling hurt. It does not necessarily follow then, that I hurt the second person. According to REBT, our emotional reactions to situations are dictated not by the situations (here, other people), but by our internalized values. This is very important to keep in mind when someone is critiscizing you because of how your actions affected them. A lot of time, people expect you to apologise because they feel bad, even though their feelings are caused by their own dysfunctional values and expectations.

 

Secondly, you wrote that her ACE score is 9. You weren't the only person struggling with dysfunction in this relationship. She would've been dysfunctional by definition, because she chose you as a suitable partner. However, you seem to be riddled with a lot of guilt. If she's not, then I think something is off about you wanting to apologize. Let me highlight a few statements that concern me:

 

 

Common theme in bold: She is telling you something, but you can't find out what.

 

These statements indicate to me the possibility that you're taking responsibility for your own dysfunctions and hers, and you're unaware of it. When something was bugging her, did she explain it to you, or did she keep things to herself and blame you for her feelings? Did she listen to you expressing how you felt, or did she accuse you of not validating her feelings instead? Did she take responsibility for her own actions, or claim you (or other people) made her do them? Was she direct and honest with you?

 

You also told us you had a bad experience with a girl who pit you against your best friend. This indicates to me that you have trouble saying no to women. Do you have a history of letting women use you? Have your other relationships been equally reciprocal, or have they demanded more from you than they're giving? Does any of this strike a resemblance with your relationship with your mother?

 

This is why I think an apology might be premature. In fact, that your guilt might be as well.

 

Thanks for responding.

 

Well of course it's both. She was hurt already due to her past, but I believe I also hurt her as well. I would say I was being an emotional bully. I didn't recognize the manner that she was communicating in. She was never loud or yelled or violent. She was more passive aggressive and silent and quiet. She would withdraw when something happened that she didn't like. She would wait maybe 20 minutes or an hour and then we would talk about it. I'm 100% positive that she was fighting ghosts of her past, but she was also taking things out on me ... as I now realize I was doing to her. While in some situations I was definitely the victim, in other situations, I was the bully. (just as guilty)

 

Yes, we most likely found each other because on some level we were both dysfunctional individuals.  As I wanted to work things out we quickly became "incompatible" in her own words .. which looking at it now ... of course we would be.  She wanted to stay the same and I wanted to grow.

 

She did all of the above. She would walk into the other room. She would get silent. And then come back at some point later and discuss things. She once time asked me for my feelings after I became visibly frustrated and I told her ... and then she called me a pussy ... to which I did not put up with. I left her apartment for the night. She usually took responsibility for her actions but also explained to me that certain things from her past triggered her.

 

One time I took her, her brother, and his gf to the movies. And we got there late and there were not enough seats ... so my ex stands around quietly and then just walks out upon which I follow of course. She goes and sits on the steps remaining silent meanwhile I'm trying to find out why the person I love is so upset. She tells me she's going to go across the street for a drink and then goes elsewhere. I sit in my car and I go look for her and can't find her. She eventually comes back crying and explains being molested as a child and the movie theater being a trigger .... and that was the first time she ever clued me into that. Interestingly enough we had been to the movie theater before and that never happened.

 

I've had trouble saying no to women in the past but I stopped that after that first terrible relationship with the one who pitted me against my friend.  I recognized that pattern a while ago. That's why I've been super selective with my relationship partners and only dated few over the last couple of years. Most of my other relationships are definitely reciprocal. I know people's limitations and what they are capable of in regards to friendships and I approach them accordingly.  

 

In regard to my mom yeah that's a long topic to go over but yes ... the crying manipulative example is one thing that is not cool. She also has an interesting lack of moral agency or sense of responsibility to entertain the possibility that maybe she could have raised her children differently. Lot's of blarping behavior too. Our relationship is distant and fruitless as these limitations keep it from being so.

[Matthew Ed Moran]

Thanks for sharing.

 

You are still being abstract about what your bullying was. But you gave a specific instance of hers - calling you a pussy after asking you to share your emotions. What if you had called her a pussy when she told you she had been crying about being molested? Of course, that would have been brutal. But I don't see why it should be considered any less brutal that this was done to you.

 

So I guess I'm confused why you feel guilty and want to apologize. If she was partaking in some pretty serious emotional bullying, too, what sense does it make for you to be sorry if she's not sorry? That seems more like white-knighting or acting like your preferences not to be bullied are worth less than hers, which they definitely aren't.

[Lingum]

I appreciate the detailed sharing. I understand better where you're coming from now.
 
As with whether or not you should apologize, I'm on the same page as Matthew. I can not see what the purpose of apologizing would be. You've mentioned that she's no interested in growing, so I imagine it would be an entirely one-side affair. You say you want to own your failure, but apologies are not necessary for that. It seems to me you're already going through the process of accepting responsibility for your life.
 
I'm very sorry she would egg you on to share your feelings, then call you a pussy. That must've been very painful, even more so because of your history. This kind of behavior is destined to end a relationship. It's completely understandable that you would protect yourself by being emotionally distant and resigned. This makes me curious about how much impact her behavior had on your relationship.
 
You say you look for women who are not like your mother. I suspect that this one had painful similarities. Is the way you behaved in this relationship similar to how you have behaved in all others? If it's not, then I think an apology is counter-productive as she's not taking responsibility for her actions.
 

She usually took responsibility for her actions but also explained to me that certain things from her past triggered her.

 
Lastly, I want to point out that when people make excuses like this, it's an admission that they're going to keep doing it. She already has some idea why it happens, but she still thinks it's an excuse. If it was before, it certainly isn't after she's consciously aware of it. She was telling you that she has no intention to challenge it.

[perrytheplat]

@Matt

 

You're right about disregard to my feelings being equally as brutal as the emotional bullying I did.You're right ... a good amount of the time I didn't invalidate her feelings. As much as I was confused and feeling hurt about her walking out on me in the movie theater and then coming back with the story about getting molested as a child ... I felt absolutely terrible to know that someone I loved had gone through such a terrible life experience.  I think my capacity to sympathize and empathize with her on multiple ocassions shows that I am not a mean spirited individual by nature.

 

I've been talking in general/broad terms because that's how I wish to communicate to her. I feel that pinning down specifics will only give her ammunition to argue and fight with me if she so chooses. I can totally recount many experiences deatil for detail if you think that helps. I'm definitely open to share anything. I actually would be happy to call into the radio show about my issue. That would be awesome. Hmm ... maybe you're right maybe it is white knighting ... I guess I don't really care how she receives it or if she feels remorse at this point. I think apologizing for what I did is more important for myself than anything else. I already feel great about it ... not about the white knighting .. but that I've been able to successfully reach this point. I would be apologizing for my part in it. I recongize that I was an emotional bully at the time and that is what I'm apologizing for ... what I did in the past.

 

@Lingum

 

Let me include something that maybe I left out. After dumping me she asked if we could remain friends to which I took some time to think about and denied.  I told her that being just friends is not something I wanted. I wouldn't be able to downgrade our relationship to friendship after she didn't want to work with me to move forward. I told her if she changed her mind to reach out to me, but that I was moving on with my life.

 

I'm assuming she has no interest in growing because she has not once reached out to actually speak with me in any form. What she did at first after dumping me was request me on facebook the following week after defriending me. I didn't know how to receive it, so I accepted and remained silent. She removed me the following morning. Months later she requested me again and this time I felt hurt that she was doing that because I couldn't understand why she was doing it absent actual communication. I have no way of knowing whether or not she has done any work on herself ... but she definitely has not cared enough to verbally communicate that to me (which I think is a requirement among adults) haha.

 

Yeah we were definitely both dysfunctional. She found it out first, and chose to leave me. I found out the truth later. I can definitely say that being with her ... I've picked up some good things along with some bad ones. I didn't recognize the bad ones until they destroyed my relationship.  I'm thankful for what good things I've been able to learn and acquire through this failed relationship ... thankful to her? nah not really ... that's my choice and hard work and doing ... she just happened to be part of the environment that allowed for that to happen. Maybe I'm confusing the different types of relationships. She's not a parent or a child ... but more like a peer.

 

There were some similarities between her and my mom ... I didn't consciously choose her to be frank ... things happened fast and we learned about each other as things went along ... definitely not the right way to proceed. My behavior was pretty much the same way I handled all of my other relationships. I wouldn't say any of my other relationships have been different in the manner that I handled them.

 

Interesting assertion about her delineating what she would keep on doing.  I'm not 100% sure that's true because speaking for myself when I say that this is what happened and this is what I did, my explanation has little to do with whether I intend to address it or not.  I think it would be fair to say that she was telling me that she would do something about it by not indicating that she was taking steps or would take steps to curtail its happening again.

[Carl Green]

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to say any previous advice is wrong.

 

If you're rationalizing that you should feel like you shouldn't have to apologize because both of you should apologize, you're only equaling out the equation before any apologizing happens. (this may or may not work to resolve the feelings you have about feeling like you've harmed someone else)

 

Another way to satisfy the equation is to do what you initially posted about and send her a hand-written letter apologizing without expectations. This approach wouldn't complete the equation until she returned your letter also apologizing, but it does at least factor her own emotions and experiences into it.

 

So essentially, it's about whether you want to assume how she feels, or know how she feels. There were two people involved in the relationship so it makes sense to have two people involved in determining the 'variables of the equation'.

[perrytheplat]

I must still be restricted from posting a certain amount of comments because I'm new here. It looks like my last comment didn't post

@Matthew:

 

Yes that would be equally as brutal. I didn't overtly do that to her. It was more of a soft abusiveness.  I can go more into details about specific interactions if that helps. I think it can make sense to be sorry for wrongs that I have committed regardless of whether the other person is mature enough to admit to their wrongs right now.

 

@Lingum:

 

We got into the relationship very quickly as we both had positive things happening in our lives at the time. We both rushed into it ... we didn't really choose each other based on extensive friendship or discussion. We both share responsibility for that. I wanted to work on things in an open and honest manner but I ended up feeling like I couldn't be honest and say what I felt because it would end the relationship. That's probably why I continued trying to compromise ... but eventually I realized I was compromising my virtues rather than be tolerant. Because I have those virtues, it turned me into someone else who was frustrated and could no longer be that way.

 

She ended up having some qualities of my mom which yeah were totally dysfunctional. I behaved the way I normally do with all relationships in that I recognize the limitations of each type of relationship and act accordingly, but maybe romantic relationships are different in the regard. I'm not sure how you can be with someone who has little regard for your feelings or thoughts. In that instance, there really shouldn't be any limitations.

 

I'm not sure she was trying to make excuses in regard to telling me about her triggers, but then again I don't know. It was the first time I've heard of it from her. It's the same when I tell you that I now realize certain triggers that make me react in certain ways. It's more of an understanding than an excuse. Of course I am still responsible for my actions regardless of the explanation. So is she.

 

Where you may be right is in where she said she had no intention in challenging her issues after being consciously aware. I never heard of her going to therapy or expressing any way to challenge her issues. I think she thought highly of herelf that she didn't have to change or something. She often took offense when I would suggest things or offer an opinion. We were both guilty of blarping at each other a good amount of the time.

 

She would think that I would be trying to make decisions for her or tell her what to do or talk to her like she's stupid.

[LovePrevails]

Is it ever too late to apologize for hurting someone?

 

According to report from international relationship expert and recording artist, Timbaland: Yes

 

Timbaland had this to add, "I loved you with a fire red, Now it's turning blue."

[perrytheplat]

According to report from international relationship expert and recording artist, Timbaland: Yes

 

Timbaland had this to add, "I loved you with a fire red, Now it's turning blue."

 

If only I sought Timbaland's counsel months ago .. lol

[TheRobin]

I skipped some of the posts, so in case this already come up I apologize, but: Do you want to apologize to her because you want to make resitution ot her or because you want forgiveness from her?

[perrytheplat]

@The Robin

 

I had a great conversation on here the other night with someone on chat. I'm not sure if restitution is possible in this particular situation. Good question. If restitution was possible I would be happy to provide it. It's more about owning up to my bad behaviors and apologizing for the hurt I've inflicted. I would guess that somewhere within all of that is a plea for forgiveness although I'm not sure that's what I would really be doing.

[perrytheplat]

Anyone have any new thoughts on this?

[J. D. Stembal]

@The Robin

 

I had a great conversation on here the other night with someone on chat. I'm not sure if restitution is possible in this particular situation. Good question. If restitution was possible I would be happy to provide it. It's more about owning up to my bad behaviors and apologizing for the hurt I've inflicted. I would guess that somewhere within all of that is a plea for forgiveness although I'm not sure that's what I would really be doing.

 

What a great question Robin asked! I will pose a slightly different question. Are you motivated to apologize so that you can forgive yourself?

 

I recalled a woman I dated seven years ago, and I couldn't sleep because of it. I contacted her and she replied saying that there was no need for me to apologize to her. I simply needed to forgive myself for my actions.

[Freedom4TheVirtuous]

Does apologizing have to do with you or her?

 

What's the purpose?

[perrytheplat]

@endtheusurpations

 

Well I already worked up the short letter and sent it about 3 week ago and got no response. Just yesterday at around 5:30PM, I received a text from her acknowledging that she received my note and saying thank you. I waited several hours as I was doing other things ... thought about it for a little bit ... and just said you're welcome.

 

I think primarily it was owning up to what I had done and possibly more about forgiving myself and moving forward. I also wanted to convey sorrow and apology after realizing how I behaved toward her.