JohnN Posted March 28, 2015 Posted March 28, 2015 Hello all,I want to describe for you the current predicament in which I find myself. Maybe you all can explain to me something that I am missing.I am currently in a sexual/romantic relationship with someone who, while ceding pro government stances, still hasn't accepted that "government" is inherently evil. Political and ethical discussion were abundant for the first two months of our relationship, but then more or less disappeared. It is with the absence of those discussions that our relationship appeared to begin flourishing. After, a recent discussion, which highlighted again our differences, I believe that I have come to a conclusion about the status of our relationship. 1) that it is sustained by my desire to censor myself, in order to make it work, 2) that if I do not censor myself, I will not be okay with the perspective she holds.
JohnN Posted March 31, 2015 Author Posted March 31, 2015 I submitted this post prematurely. I wanted to add that:It is when I, do not press (or force) the topic of Anarchy on her, that she slides closer to that perspective. When I get upset at our differences it only serves to drive her further away from the perspective. Since I know that her and I are rational, I know that our philosophies will eventually merge. The question I have been asking myself is when, and whether that is worth waiting for? My fear is that I may look back upon the decisions that I am making now and believe that I made them out of fear. But this potential future regret could come in the form of moving forward with the relationship, or terminating it. I have never regretted any decision I made in the past, any ideas why I feel I may fear this one?
Alice Amell Posted April 1, 2015 Posted April 1, 2015 Maybe unlike past decisions, this one seems more important, or the answer more unclear. Is that why you fear regret? Do you have any idea? Have you expressed these feelings to her? I would start with that. Are you not able to express how you feel safely with her? Or do you fear her response? If you fear her response, is it because you yourself are afraid to open up despite her behavior (if she's open to hearing you) or because of it (if she reacts negatively to hearing you)? How do you know she becomes more anarchist when you don't bring it up if, well, you aren't bringing it up? Maybe ask why she is changing her view? Have you established fundamentally the difference in opinion of you two? Why would her opinion change by not talking about it? Is she working through some biases that block her acceptance of the idea? But not telling you about it? I think its unhealthy for you to censor yourself to "make it work." If she doesn't want to hear what you have to say or discuss it with you or listen to you, I would end the relationship.
JohnN Posted April 1, 2015 Author Posted April 1, 2015 Thanks for the response.Communicating my thoughts, feelings, and fears are not an issue. I am fully honest to the upmost of my ability to understand why I do/feel what I do. However, my feelings of fear, or hesitation, typically lead her to become more shut down as opposed to supportive. Instead of helping figure out why I feel what I feel, she fills herself with her own worries. She, due to past relationships, believes that relationships are fragile (her words). This is preventing her from becoming fully invested (my opinion). She is waiting for the water to warm up before she jumps in. While she is a self motivated and rational person, I do not think that she has had exposure to the types of ideas that I put forth. She is skeptical of my beliefs because she has never heard them before and some of them, if accepted, change ones entire perspective. But she is starting to open her field of vision further. Example, she is now listening to podcasts.A lot of my feelings of fear, I believe, stem more from the potential lost opportunity costs of moving forward. We live about two hours away from each other. How that came to be is a long story and is not an issue in our relationship. However, a issue arises in trying to solve our geographical distances. She has a job she likes and I am okay with moving again. However, she lives in a more expensive area, and given my goals, I do not want to invest all my money into the very little property i would be able to afford there.I could continue, but I think I have articulated enough thoughts to go share with her now. Any other feedback or questions that you have is welcome.
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