The strange disconnect between emotion and sense of self

[Sashajade]

  I recently ended an attachment with a guy, but this time I'm finally seeing things that I wasn't aware of before. Thanks to many helpful youtube videos and articles on things like narcissistic abuse, addiction, attachment. I still have not figured out why i'm so sensitive and have what feels like excessive emotion, yet at the same time I feel like I'm totally disconnected. I often don't feel inspired or good unless I get validation, attention, and intimacy from another person. When I'am by myself its like there's a huge black hole and I don't really experience happiness and motivation. I guess I was hoping that I could make the connection myself by learning about all this stuff and trying to heal myself but I'm not able to do it. I was wondering if anybody has some insight on this subject. Thanks

[Kevin Beal]

I don't know, right, but if it's excessive emotion, that would sort of indicate one of two likely cases.

 

The first is that it's not excessive where it should properly be directed. When we can't direct our anger or grief at the the people or events which originally opened those wounds, we don't just stop feeling those feelings. When we try to stop feeling, the result is depression, since depression is a lack of emotional connection and we can't simply turn off one emotion, all emotion will be affected. This may explain your lack of motivation and happiness, as well.

 

The second would be if the "this is too much emotion" feels like a judgment coming from the outside being internalized, and along with it a self consciousness that you are being dysfunctional or immature or whatever other kinds of shameful self talk. The degree to which it feels like it's coming from you (assuming it's not) is the degree to which you probably are not conscious of the shaming thoughts and just sort of start to feel self loathing and you don't even know why, or think to ask.

 

Both are defense mechanisms designed to get you to avoid being attacked by other people. The first keeps you from challenging someone who has (had) control over you, for fear of what the consequences would be. The second keeps you from expressing any kind of inconvenient emotions to people who would punish you for inconveniencing them with it. You've internalized their voice so you can spare yourself from being re-inflicted.

 

The two are not mutually exclusive and you might be able to imagine cases where the first feeds the second, since emotions not directed at the appropriate targets tend to be "excessive" (given the context) and could serve to invite attack from people who are just defensive and not at all curious as to why you feel the ways you do.

 

I'm willing to bet that the order of things is that you feel the sensitivity (and overwhelm?) and then the lack of motivation creeps in like a heavy blanket that is almost satisfying in a weird way. And if that's the case, then it could be causal. That is, your desire to suppress (or repress if it's not conscious to you) is in response to powerful emotions and that suppression results in depression.

 

I'm not saying that you are a super depressed person or anything like that. I don't even necessarily think that depression is a bad thing. I'm just talking about a particular pattern that was introduced to me in Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller (great read if you haven't already). A pattern that must repeat itself over and over if events come along that serve to pour salt in the original wounds.

 

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I'm not sure what you mean by 'black hole', but I have had some experience with what I used to describe as a hole in my chest where my heart should be. I experienced it like a scary vortex, a bottomless well filled with sorrow. But I also thought of it as a kind of emptiness. And the reason I think that was, is because I was in a position for much of my life where I had to self-erase, pretend I was something I'm not, hide my true passions and genuine enthusiasm for the sake of petty small people. Like the emptiness is where my self expression should be, and the sorrow and pain, and loss was mourning the death of that lost time, those stolen years.

 

If you don't feel good until you get validation, attention and intimacy, maybe what that means is you still have a good deal of internalized standards and values that served to protect you in the past, but which may need to uncovered through your own personal archeology and then replaced with values and standards which are organically your own and serve to get you where you want to be.

 

By internalized standards and values, one example is what a lot of people call their 'inner critic'. "Gosh Kevin, you are totally going to guess wrong about all of this and look like such a fool" is a thought an inner critic might yell at me or whisper so quietly it's subliminal, causing me to avoid going forward with this theory I have about why you might be having the problem you described. These sorts of standards aren't particularly philosophical and start to look pretty silly when you look at them explicitly. But it's still something I want to hear, because it is important to me that what I'm saying is relevant, so I made sure to add qualifiers where appropriate and add some amount of falsifiability. Those things I genuinely value and standards I like to hold myself to for reasons which are probably obvious to you.

 

I was excited to see the title of this thread and it's connection with a sense of self. I think that's a fascinating topic and something I've been thinking a lot about recently. And I think that part of developing a strong sense of self is becoming explicitly aware of what the standards are that you hold yourself to and judge yourself by. Often we don't even think to ask simple and important questions about why we feel the way we do, what are the thoughts that informed those emotions and what is the reasoning and evidence behind those thoughts.

 

I think there is a lot of value in simply feeling emotions which overwhelm us. At the very least, we can build up some amount of tolerance to them, and they almost always seem to shift, as if letting ourselves feel it sends a signal to the unconscious that we can handle it and rewards us with a shift in emotion recognizing that raised self efficacy. Especially if our core beliefs are revealed when expressing those feelings. Our sense of self is strengthened.

 

Hopefully that's even remotely helpful, and not too long!

[LandoRamone30]

 

This sounds like a question for Stefan. I am currently reading Real Time Relationships. I would like to comment and give you advice, but I can not. I am still reading Stefan's work and learning more about his views of these issues. Also, I am damaged in that my history was one of abuse. So, I still have issues I have to work out in myself before I can see clearly enough to offer advice. I think what I can suggest is finding a really good psychologist. Look for one that is sincere and is really curious and interested in your health. I would also suggest to avoid the male gender when looking to eliminate any sexual tension that could arise. When talking to my therapist although I was not initially attracted I started to developing sexual feelings. ( One of my issues I need to work on due to my personal abuse.) Needless to say I am looking for a new therapist. I want to get better and I don't want to compromise my healing process. I hope my comment is of some benefit to you.

[MMX2010]

  I recently ended an attachment with a guy, but this time I'm finally seeing things that I wasn't aware of before. Thanks to many helpful youtube videos and articles on things like narcissistic abuse, addiction, attachment. I still have not figured out why i'm so sensitive and have what feels like excessive emotion, yet at the same time I feel like I'm totally disconnected. I often don't feel inspired or good unless I get validation, attention, and intimacy from another person. When I'am by myself its like there's a huge black hole and I don't really experience happiness and motivation. I guess I was hoping that I could make the connection myself by learning about all this stuff and trying to heal myself but I'm not able to do it. I was wondering if anybody has some insight on this subject. Thanks

 

 

At the risk of sounding misogynistic, what you're describing is the core of being a woman.  (I've become quite close to a woman who has such a strong personality, determination, and drive-to-succeed that you would think she's not like that.  But she's like that.  And becoming close to this woman has convinced me that all women are, indeed, like this.) 

 

What you're describing is neither good nor bad.  It just becomes a horrible prison when you're with a non-driven, non-empathetic, emotionally-selfish, needy man.  And as the percentage of worthy men decreases to all-time lows, the odds that you'll find the goodness of your feminine core also decreases. 

 

The question (I think...) you're asking is, "How do I alter this feminine core so that I can secure my own happiness, despite being surrounded by crappy men, (or, despite having no man at all)?"  I've two answers: (1) You don't completely alter this core, because if you do, you'll become an angry, ugly feminist.  None of these women are either happy or worth hanging around.  (2) You can alter this core a little bit by changing your habits. 

 

If you're capable of doing the following, do it.  Make two lists.  List #1 is entitled Things I've Been Doing For A Very Long Time That Reflect Negatively On Me As A Person.  List #2 is entitled Things I Haven't Been Doing That, If I Would Only Do Them, Would Reflect Positively On Me As A Person.  Make multiple copies of those lists, and place them in conspicuous places around your house (and car, if necessary).  Whenever you're tempted to do things from List #1, do things from List #2 instead.  Do this long enough and, before you know it, you'll become a completely different person.

 

If you're not capable of doing the above, (because you've no idea which actions reflect positively or negatively upon yourself), do the following.  Make a spreadsheet of an entire week's worth of time, starting from Sunday at noon until the following Sunday at noon.  Print this spreadsheet out, and bring it with you everywhere.  Then, when you've completed an activity, write down: (1) what it was, (2) what time you did it, and (3) what you felt about doing it.  (Short descriptions of feelings only!) 

 

When the week is over, look over the activities that feel "burdensome and unnecessary" and work to reduce/eliminate them from the following week.  Then look over the activities that feel "free and beautiful" and work to increase them from the following week.  Making a habit of doing what you want also puts your brain in the habit of figuring out what you really want to do.  So, if you do this long enough, you'll figure out which activities belong to which list, above. 

 

I hope that was helpful.