Forever alone? RE: Marriage and Mgtow rebutted

[drkmdn]

Stefan's recent video the rebuttal to marriage and mgtow YouTube comments has got me feeling pretty down.

 

He says that as much as you enjoy living, you should want to pass that on to someone else. But my life has been 90% suffering. I wouldn't want to inflict that on anybody.

 

I have really bad genes. My mother was the last of 12 children. There is a lot of mental illness and suicide in her family and my mother was not exempt from any of that, having tried to kill herself multiple times.

 

Her mother kept pumping out kids with her father despite the fact that he was an alcoholic who was never home and just roamed drunkenly around town.

 

My mothers mother worked full time as a nurse. The children raised themselves. It was like Lord of the Flies. I hate my grandmother for the legacy she created and the selfish way she acted, having all those kids that no one took care of. This is not a popular sentiment with so many people admiring how hard she worked to provide for...the 12 children she had with a drunk and neglected. Please.

 

My mother met my father when she was 17. He was 50. They got married after knowing each other for 6 months and divorced after the same length of time. I was born after that. And then she had my brother and sister with two different other guys, randoms who didn't stick around.

 

I feel like I have done my time raising children. I was an obligatory co parent from 6 years old. It was hard work. My childhood was spent helping around the house, catering to screaming kids,  being exhausted, going to school, not fitting in and not having a father.

 

My mother was a narcissist so there was that too. I took a lot of abuse from her on top of everything.

 

I have long defooed from my dysfunctional family. I have no idea if they are dead or alive and I never care to know. I moved countries, changed my name and have spent the last eight years in therapy.

 

I am in my mid thirties now and I just want peace and quiet. What little dating life I have had has been before therapy which, as you can understand, was horribly dramatic.

 

I am damaged goods maybe... but not really. No tattoos or piercings, no stds or abortions, educated, speak two languages, have a retirement fund and a secure, well paying job that I love. The only genes that have benefited me have been my good looks and an easily maintained figure. Sometimes a curse, though. It depends.

 

I am not interested in men, marriage or children. I have zero sex drive. But I do not want to end up alone, like Stef described.  I am already quite alone. I can't imagine 60 more years of this.

 

And no, I could never be a lesbian. I considered it.

 

I get where the mgtows are coming from.

 

Could I find a relationship with a man who did not want sex from me and I didn't want resources from him? Would that work out?

 

That seems to go against nature but I feel like it's my only option here. Thoughts?

 

 

[Invicta]

Stephan's views in the video you reference are some of the few that I disagree with.  There is a degree of denial of reality in much of his philosophy that alienates those that have already been damaged in their childhoods.  He is a pure idealist in expectation and results; but fundamentally, most of his audience will not be capable of reaching his standards of virtue and decision making.  I understand that this is a necessary sacrifice because he will do more overall good in the world by helping to promote peaceful parenting.  The sad and ironic truth, my guess, is that most of his supporters fall into the same category as you and myself.  We have made monumental progress from where we started, be we will likely always face that thin membrane of seemingly unbreakable resistance to feeling like we are whole.  This is still progress for Steph because if you and I had children we would raise them peacefully, but likely remain feeling isolated even among the family we created.  Steph is correct insofar as the collective progression of humanity, but he is dead wrong according to MGTOW philosophy.    

 

I think I can be categorically described as a MGTOW.  I am not interested in long term relationships or children.  I'm 31 and am doing the single guy fixing up an old house routine.  There is a part of me that would really like to have children,  but my personal membrane is a deep seeded terror of having to provide for a family.  Even providing for myself I have tendency to work myself to the bone as my father did.  I still have work to do on self knowledge, and as you described it is a process that can go on for many years.  Combine that with my MGTOW standards for women and it seems likely that I will indeed end up alone in the end.

 

Addressing your questions at the end:  

 

"Could I find a relationship with a man who did not want sex from me and I didn't want resources from him?"

 

This is pretty much against human nature as I understand it.  I have been successful at suppressing my sex drive in a college town but it's certainly against my male nature and I have to perform routine manual overrides.  Similarly, I'm sure you can suppress your female nature to receive resource support from a man, but it will be an effort to grind away as an isolated woman just like a man struggles with his endless arousal.  

 

Would that work out?

 

The quick answer is No.  Men with no sex drive do exist but they are the equivalent of the MGTOW NAWALTs.

 

You really do have 60 more years of this, but we all do.  I think many of us will be better off living by our own standards as opposed to trying to force idealized relationships where we self sacrifice behind our membranes.  We all die alone, all of us.  I believe that a network of friendships is a better solution to Steph's old age problem as opposed to a lifetime of family obligation with unfinished work on self knowledge.

Steph's problem is

[drkmdn]

Thank you for replying. I am new here and failed to introduce myself... I was worried no one would reply.

 

Your reply got cut off at "Steph's problem is..". I am curious about the rest.

 

It is really comforting to know there are other people like myself out there. Sad and comforting.

 

Friendships.. yes... but I have yet to find any respectable women to remain friends with for long. Every woman I have met criticizes my decision to defoo and tell me I should forgive my chain smoking welfare mother who unapologetically ruined my childhood and consequently most of my adult life.. lol. "Forgive".

 

I have enjoyed some male friendships but have learned the hard way that these do not work out when you are a single, attractive woman. They just don't. Ever. If I meet an asexual MGTOW man that would be ideal but... yeah. 

 

Either they develop feelings for you or they get a new SO who will hate you (I understand this, I would not want my SO being great friends with an attractive, intelligent single woman who had way more confidence and insight than I did, either. There is something to be said for humility but this is sadly the truth. I suppose if the men are choosing these women, they are not so sound of mind and morals either.)

 

Interesting how you actively have to work to suppress your biology. That must be infuriating. I have observed that sex is one of the few remaining ways that disconnected people who feel dead inside try to feel alive again. And get a sad substitute for the the nurturing they did not receive. 

 

This is highly unappealing to me... fucking a man baby.

 

The women of course do it for hypergamous reasons that they are unaware of. Women do not really enjoy sex. For them it's a tool to get babies or resources. But they can convince themselves to happily endure it for a period of time as all men discover once they get married.

 

Our society is sex addicted.

 

I feel like a martian on this backwards planet.

 

PS: I would not raise children peacefully. I would want to and know better but I babysat a four year old last weekend and was shocked by how impatient and annoyed I was. I was triggered so much. Never again.

[PatrickC]

First up I'm very sorry to hear how your childhood went. Heaping all that responsibility on a 6 year old is quite a shitty thing to do to your own child.

 

Could I find a relationship with a man who did not want sex from me and I didn't want resources from him? Would that work out?

 

That seems to go against nature but I feel like it's my only option here. Thoughts?

 

I'm curious have you told your therapist about this. If so, what have they said. It does seem to be the most important question, rather than trying to find a guy who wont engage in sex with you. I know from previous relationships in which the sex became non existent from my end, a certain coldness creeped over me towards my partner after a while. To what effect this has generally I'm no expert of course.

There is also a biological factor to bare in my mind when women don't engage in sex. That since they don't get the necessary testosterone they normally recieve during sex, that their sexual appetite can start to flag significantly. So you might just be experiencing some of that, if it's been a long time since you last had sex. For your sake, I think it would be worthwhile to explore the possibilities from a therapeutic and biological perspective.

 

I myself have taken the MGTOW route for little over a year now and the lack of sex hasn't inhibited my life one bit. But my purpose is mostly an attempt to try and process my previous relationships and concentrate more on my own life without feeling this enormous pressure to quickly find a wife and girlfriend and to make sure I pick the right one eventually.

 

One last thing 8 years in therapy sounds like a lot. Of course I'm no expert on this. I had a little under 2 years myself. Anecdotally my therapist said she rarely went over 3 years with a patient. Mostly because she recognised that if she hadn't helped them by then, that she was unlikely to help them much further after that. At least that was the feedback she was getting from her colleagues in the field. Have you been with the same therapist continuously or changed them from time to time?

 

That said, you do seem to have your life in order in many ways already (as you mentioned). However I would try and avoid referring to yourself as 'damaged goods'. It may seem appropriate to you (given your history). But my experience tells me that you will attract all the wrong people into your life and repel all the good ones.

[Invicta]

I generally write my thoughts in jumbled order as they come to mind and rearrange them into something more pleasant to read afterwards. My cut off statement about Steph's problem was cut and pasted at the bottom of the message when I caught myself going off topic. If you're curious, it was referring to my theory that many of his most loyal listeners will never manage to heal themselves enough to maintain Steph's idealism. I don't think he is wrong to do this either because he speaks to a wide audience and he is engaging in a multi generations project. His attempted rebuttal of MGTOW though... is specifically targeting people who are trying really damn hard to improve themselves. I'm not saying all MGTOWs are damaged, but during this growth stage of the movement the majority of them are. Personally, applying MGTOW principles in my everyday life has been the best damn therapy I've ever had.

 

Your reply was much more descriptive about your current perspectives and state of mind, but I am still curious as to why you seek a long term partner at all. What specifically caused you to feel so down after seeing the video and reading MGTOW comments?

I ask because I am no stranger to the fear of being alone or the biological impulse to pair bond. I have found though that surrendering to these drives without understanding is the stuff of nightmares. I have found that living alone and embracing isolation reduced the experience of loneliness from that unbearable ache in the chest to the occasional annoyance of a buzzing fly.

 

I also find that friendships and acquaintances are much satisfying. They are simple and honest without the muddling obligations of pair bonding. You can say exactly what you think and feel because you're free from the layers of self delusion and misdirection required to maintain relationships based on obligation. The carefree honesty has the side effect of driving away individuals with whom you are not compatible. Also, no more forced interactions with friends or family of your pair bond, and then navigating the draining process of figuring out how or whether or not to admit that you don't like their friends/family.

 

My experience is that friendships are more rewarding than commited relationships. The concept that your relationships with your friends are less important than the one with your partner is an illusion generated by the pair bond. in reality, the obligation based pair bond is sabotaging the perfectly good friendships you already had. Once you separate yourself from the biology driven obligation mess you suddenly have more time and energy to spend time, be honest, and be supportive of your friends. You grow closer and these relationships eventually become much stronger and more rewarding than the pair bond.

[drkmdn]

"....suddenly have more time and energy to spend time, be honest, and be supportive of your friends. You grow closer and these relationships eventually become much stronger and rewarding than the pair bond."

 

Yes. This will happen. Until they meet someone. And have kids. This is inevitable unless they are also going their own way. In an ideal world, newly coupled people would still maintain their degree of closeness in friendships that they had prior to their relationship. In the real world, this does not happen and it's the natural course of things.

 

"many of his most loyal listeners will never manage to heal themselves enough to maintain Steph's idealism. I don't think he is wrong to do this either because he speaks to a wide audience and he is engaging in a multi generations project"

 

Wow. Yes. This exactly.

 

Why do I seek a long term partner? A couple of reasons:

 

I make better friends with men. And since I don't find close, platonic relationships to be possible, a relationship would be ideal. With friends in general, I can't respect people whose life choices or opinions I disagree with. This has been a contributing factor to why all my friendships with other women have failed. I am working through this in therapy. But there is also a part of me that thinks, "Why should I change? TO accommodate a corrupt world?".

 

It is starting to look more and more like this is my only choice if I don't want to die of loneliness. I guess now I should whip out some duck lip selfies on Instagram, go get a tramp stamp and fire up a Tindr account. It's all the rage, right?

 

Another reason: I have a great fear of ending up incapacitated in the hospital and having no one to speak for me.

 

Another reason: Seeing so many single and divorced people over 50 terrifies me. They seem so sad and desperate. I just can't end up that way. 

 

But the basic reason is loneliness. If everyone else wasn't coupled up, maybe it wouldn't feel so bad. I hate that I am influenced in that way but it's true.

 

PatrickC: All very great points, thank you for taking the time.

 

- My therapist is more concerned with my emotional wellbeing and thinks once I overcome some of my attachment issues, my world view may change. Sigh. As if I hadn't considered that already.

 

- I have not been seeing the same therapist all this time. I usually see one for about 2 years. I also have not gone every week for eight years or anything like that. On and off as needed. The kind of therapy I do goes deep, is somatic, as well as mentally and emotionally exhausting. Can't do this every week.

 

- I feel tears well up when you describe growing cold towards a partner who does not have sex with you. Yes, this is a common biological trait of men that I just cannot accept. I just can't. Has anyone here heard of Karezza? It is supposed to be an alternative to sex that prevents this from happening from a biological point of view. This eventual "fuck me or fuck you" attitude that is simmering underneath every relationship with a man, just waiting to come out, is a big part of why I have chosen to go my own way. I understand these impulses from a biological point of view, but I am not an ape or a caveman.  Are we seriously unable to control ourselves in 2015?

 

- In case any one is wondering, no, I have no sexual trauma in my history. 

 

I am so lonely that it hurts. So much. It seems like such an easy solution: go and create your own family! It would be such a selfish thing for me to do. I would never want anyone to have my life. And besides, who knows if there will even be clean water to drink on this planet in 30 years?

 

I don't mean to be so depressing but this is where I am at. The people here are much more intelligent and insightful that almost anywhere else online. Thank you.

 

PS: Anyone going to take Mike up on the offer? I considered it seriously but I am just not ready. I think I would just cry for the whole call!!!!!!!!!

 

I'm sorry for the pain of anyone else who has chosen this lifestyle as well. It is not something one does for fun.

 

 

[MysterionMuffles]

Thank you for sharing your story...it sounds like a very difficult and I admire you trudging through it. This would be a very interesting conversation to have on the call in show...looks like a lot could be explored.

[Invicta]

Darkmaid,

 

It seems to me that your primary focus in your posts is the fear of loneliness.  My unqualified opinion is that your fear of loneliness is brought about by low self esteem, and the loneliness itself is not your hangup.  You have given several examples to justify why relationships with others are not possible for you, and then alternate between positive self affirmation and self deprecation.   I think you may have developed an attachment to your ego identity as an outsider and your need for this identity is directly fighting your opportunity to connect with others.

 

I said:

"....suddenly have more time and energy to spend time, be honest, and be supportive of your friends. You grow closer and these relationships eventually become much stronger and rewarding than the pair bond."

 

 You Responded:

 

Yes. This will happen. Until they meet someone. And have kids. This is inevitable unless they are also going their own way. In an ideal world, newly coupled people would still maintain their degree of closeness in friendships that they had prior to their relationship. In the real world, this does not happen and it's the natural course of things.

 

I have observed and experienced that the pair bond has the side effect of lowering the priority of more casual friendships.  This statement is intuitively obvious and feels natural, but the implications have massive effects on your life.  I turned my back, more or less, on some of my closest friends by prioritizing the relationship with my girlfriend.  Society and human biology make this seem like a natural choice, but it does not change reality.  It was only after the realtionship ended, and I more honestly engaged with my friends, that I even realized what I had been doing.  Some of my friends have revealed the pain they experienced as a result of my choices, often choices I made a long time ago that left them behind because I prioritized the relationship with the girlfriend.  We all accept that the closeness of a friendship will diminish when one party becomes committed to a partner.  It is an intellectual transition that does little to diminish the emotional sadness of this reality.  Once I became single, I reconnected more deeply with my friends and after a period of time, the pain of that betrayal was expressed to me.  None of my friends said it directly, and it took a long time and the right moment, but the fundamental betrayal of a friendship at the alter of a pair bond is not erased by intellectual understanding that we humans will prioritize our reproductive drive over social bonding.  The lesson I have taken from this experience is that we are genetically programmed to prioritize reproduction at all costs even if our  friendships are fundamentally stronger than the pair bond.  Very often it is the friendships that last a lifetime as sexual relationships fade away.   I don't know if we are capable of maintaining both, but if we are, it will take a hell of a lot of self knowledge and cooperation between both members of the pair bond.

The lessons I have learned is to not be so judgmental of others, and that it's ok for relationships to be temporary or be put on pause.  I am honored that my friends still value our relationships despite my neglect.  You must not confuse the fundamental virtue of your friends with their convenience to you.  Yes, some of my friends are getting married and having children and they inevitably pull away.  How selfish would it be for me to construct an egocentric condemnation of them for their failure to satisfy my needs?

 

Here are some thoughts I was working on during my reply but I realized it was too much unsubstantiated conjecture.  Curious if it resonates so I left it in:

 

I think I became interested in your post because you are a closet elitist like myself.  Internally you feel superior to others, but in your social life you will defer to the needs of others sometimes to your own detriment.  Social interactions generally leave you with a feeling that your perspective was not allowed to be fully expressed.  The emotional reaction to this is tempered by the degree of self righteousness you hold at the time, along with the closeness to the individuals you are socializing with.  Casual acquaintances or people you deem beneath you intellectually get a free pass, but it's those you hold dear that become transgressors who failed to reciprocate.

 

 

[PatrickC]

- I feel tears well up when you describe growing cold towards a partner who does not have sex with you. Yes, this is a common biological trait of men that I just cannot accept. I just can't. Has anyone here heard of Karezza? It is supposed to be an alternative to sex that prevents this from happening from a biological point of view. This eventual "fuck me or fuck you" attitude that is simmering underneath every relationship with a man, just waiting to come out, is a big part of why I have chosen to go my own way. I understand these impulses from a biological point of view, but I am not an ape or a caveman.  Are we seriously unable to control ourselves in 2015?

 

I think you may have misunderstood me. It was me (not her) that decided to not have sex with her. It was a deep source of frustration for her as I recall. I just distinctly remember my coldness coming after making this decision when I discussed and processed the event with my therapist. Without going into much detail, I was acting out some rather unpleasent family history with her.

 

I am so lonely that it hurts. So much. It seems like such an easy solution: go and create your own family! It would be such a selfish thing for me to do. I would never want anyone to have my life. And besides, who knows if there will even be clean water to drink on this planet in 30 years?

 

I was reminded of (well known to this board) ex therapist Daniel Mackler. He made a very distinct choice to no longer engage in a sexual relationship with anyone and doesn't wish to raise a family. I've since heard that he has changed his mind on the sexual relationship part. He is definately someone quite easy to connect with and I'm sure he would be willing enough to explain his past and present reasons for this, which you might find helpful.

 

http://wildtruth.net/

 

I'm very sorry to hear about the lonliness. In my experience these seemingly intractable situations we become accustomed too are often much easier to overcome than we first think. We are pattern making machines which can sometimes get us stuck in a rut. Partly because we are looking in the wrong direction for the solution. Stefan recently had a great analogy for this, 'when looking left or right for the solution to a problem and you can't find one, it's time to look up or down'.

 

Another reason: I have a great fear of ending up incapacitated in the hospital and having no one to speak for me.

 

This caught my attention because it was something I recently discussed with a good friend of mine. Neither of us have family or wives in our lives and have decided to take on the issue of dealing with each others death, incapacitation and last will and testament. Next of kin essentially. It really brought home to us both the need for connecting with a strong partner bond. Because whilst we do have a great friendship together, some issues around becoming senile or incapacitated are probably too much to expect from either of us in the future to deal with. Also our lives, commitments and priorities are likely to change throughout our lives. So we may have to revist these commitments with each other in future. I found it a very painful experience, but a useful one to galvanise me.

[MMX2010]

This won't be easy for me to post, because I didn't sleep well and my mind is racing - but I hope it is helpful. 

 

I'm a big fan of The Last Psychiatrist, because he has the sneaky ability to punch you square in the face with your own inadequacies and force you to either Change or Rage.  Based on his readings, I think you're trying to hold onto two contradictory arguments: (1) Your traumatic childhood, for which I'm deeply sorry you experienced, has greatly damaged your ability to, as an adult, connect with others in a loving way.  (2) You don't see the need to change yourself in order to "fit into a corrupt world". 

 

You cannot have both of these arguments at the same time. 

 

-------------------

 

This article is probably the "nicest" one, in that TLP isn't punching you in the face as harshly as he normally does.

 

http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/10/marc_marons_mid-life_crisis.html

 

 

------------------

 

And my opinion of you, based solely on reading your posts in this thread and perusing TLP's work, is that you think the cure for your loneliness is in your head.  "If I could only delve more deeply into my psyche, and discover where it went to hell, then I could turn a series of knobs to their proper settings.  Then my loneliness will be cured!" 

 

But I think the cure for your loneliness exists outside of your head.  Pick someone.  Anyone.  Learn what they like.  And provide him/her with that.  (Naturally, you're new to this, so you should set very tight limits on time-investment and energy-investment.  But you should still practice social interactions by primarily focusing on what others want, not on what you feel.) 

 

And if investing in individual people is too scary, pick a collective cause.  Attend regular meetings.  Volunteer to do extra work.  Go from there. 

[drkmdn]

I think you're trying to hold onto two contradictory arguments: (1) Your traumatic childhood, for which I'm deeply sorry you experienced, has greatly damaged your ability to, as an adult, connect with others in a loving way.  (2) You don't see the need to change yourself in order to "fit into a corrupt world". 

 

You cannot have both of these arguments at the same time. 

 

 

 

 

Thank you. You are so right. My mother kept shoddy company when I was young and when I refused to interact with hysterical welfare moms and slightly drunk wanderabouts sniffing around for some booty, she called me anti social. I have always mistrusted my judgement in life because of this. I was always left out and I still believe it was because the other girls were into gossiping, boys and dolls while I wanted to read books on biology and ancient Greece, write and solve puzzles. 

 

Not much has changed since then.

 

I am unable to discern where the problem lies: me or them.

 

I think it is both, which makes things extra confusing. 

 

I have a great therapist who is helping me with this.

 

I don't think I will ever be a fan of "normal" people. And they are everywhere these days.

I think you may have misunderstood me. It was me (not her) that decided to not have sex with her. It was a deep source of frustration for her as I recall. I just distinctly remember my coldness coming after making this decision when I discussed and processed the event with my therapist. Without going into much detail, I was acting out some rather unpleasent family history with her.

 

 

I was reminded of (well known to this board) ex therapist Daniel Mackler. He made a very distinct choice to no longer engage in a sexual relationship with anyone and doesn't wish to raise a family. I've since heard that he has changed his mind on the sexual relationship part. He is definately someone quite easy to connect with and I'm sure he would be willing enough to explain his past and present reasons for this, which you might find helpful.

 

http://wildtruth.net/

 

I'm very sorry to hear about the lonliness. In my experience these seemingly intractable situations we become accustomed too are often much easier to overcome than we first think. We are pattern making machines which can sometimes get us stuck in a rut. Partly because we are looking in the wrong direction for the solution. Stefan recently had a great analogy for this, 'when looking left or right for the solution to a problem and you can't find one, it's time to look up or down'.

 

 

This caught my attention because it was something I recently discussed with a good friend of mine. Neither of us have family or wives in our lives and have decided to take on the issue of dealing with each others death, incapacitation and last will and testament. Next of kin essentially. It really brought home to us both the need for connecting with a strong partner bond. Because whilst we do have a great friendship together, some issues around becoming senile or incapacitated are probably too much to expect from either of us in the future to deal with. Also our lives, commitments and priorities are likely to change throughout our lives. So we may have to revist these commitments with each other in future. I found it a very painful experience, but a useful one to galvanise me.

 

I did misunderstand you, thanks for clarifying. Still, I am disturbed that it seems an icy chill will fall over any couple who is not regularly exchanging bodily fluids. Would you want to be with a woman who you had to keep feeding dollar bills into like a vending machine and if one day you stopped.. maybe for a while... she would slowly grow to hate you?

 

What do you think that means? It's just so messed up. I will go without any of it until I can figure it out, even if that means a life of celibacy. I would rather be alone.... I think. 

 

I'd be interested in knowing more about the family history that your behavior was mirroring but completely understand if you are uncomfortable with that. I am trying to find understanding here and the more points of view, the better.

 

I am a huge fan of Daniel Mackler. I hadn't heard he'd changed his stance on sexual relationships. I'm going to check his blog for that update.

 

I really value your input. Thanks again.

[MMX2010]

I am unable to discern where the problem lies: me or them.

 

I think it is both, which makes things extra confusing. 

 

Here's the other thing you probably don't get.  Your mother's treatment of you made it extremely difficult to express what you want, and then act according to that expression.  Simple stuff like, "I want a beer, so I'm going to the fridge.", you can do.  Complex stuff like, "What kind of man do I want, and where should I go to meet him?", you cannot.   

 

I get enormous flak on this board for recommending non-therapy based solutions, but here you go. 

 

Harder Solution:  This is the Harder Solution because you might not be able to do it.  If you can't do it, move on to the easier solution.  (1) Take two pieces of paper.  (2) Entitle one of them Things That I Keep Doing That Are A Poor Reflection Of Me, and fill it out.  (3) Entitle the other Things I Don't Regularly Do That Would Reflect Better On Me As A Person.  (4) Bring those two lists with you, everywhere, and ensure that you're following the second list (and not following the first list), as much as humanly possible. 

 

Easier Solution:  If you can't make the two lists, don't fret.  Like I said, you probably don't get how hard it is for you to express your wants. 

 

So the easier solution is to just keep a small journal detailing what you did, at what times, and how you felt.  No lengthy details of your feelings allowed!  Just "7am, woke up, felt 6 out of 10".  Do that for an entire week.  Then review which activities made you feel better, and do them more frequently next week.  (Within limits, of course.  Don't drink every day just because it made you feel great the last time you did it.) 

 

Easiest Solution:  This is also scary, but if you don't trust your judgment around people, and don't know how to express your desires, find an objectively measurable social cause - (like puppy rescue) - and participate in it at routine times, no matter what (except for legitimate emergencies).  Grade your interactions with people solely on whether they helped you do a better job at learning how to best rescue puppies.  Don't judge their character, or intelligence, or anything like that: just puppy rescue helpfulness. 

 

As you get better at rescuing puppies, you'll begin to respect your judgment.  And as you meet more people, only some of whom actually care about puppy rescue, you'll begin to respect your judgment about people, too. 

 

Don't fall in love with anyone during this period.  Just make it a habit of going to puppy rescue and pleasantly interacting with the people who go there. 

[drkmdn]

  Yes, some of my friends are getting married and having children and they inevitably pull away.  How selfish would it be for me to construct an egocentric condemnation of them for their failure to satisfy my needs?

:

 

 

 

 

 

 

I do this because I am not really looking for friendship. I am looking for people to fill in for me what I never got in my childhood. I think everyone is doing this in every relationship. to some degree.

 

This is not an ideal way to relate to people and I realize that. It makes me a hypocrite too... and I realize that. I am working on it.

 

I am not a closet elistit. I am very public about it, but you are right with that one. I hold high standards for people that will inevitably fail.