BaylorPRSer Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 I have a lot of rage, but those episodes involving screaming and dropping f-bombs I keep in my private life. Last January, I had a moment where my rage was not private. I told my parents I am planning on moving to Vietnam and that my decision was final. I did not want to hear their views on why I should/shouldn't. Despite this they kept trying to make alternative suggestions. My Dad mentioned I move to upstate New York and live with my grandpa who was an Episcopalian priest. I snapped. I started screaming/shouting at the top of my lungs and remember saying: "You have never seen me. You have never understood me. You have never wanted to see me. I don't want to live with a fucking ex cult leader." I think I said a good bit more than that, but I can't remember. I was reflecting on the other day on how people have pointed out that I stammer/stutter/fumble my words sometimes. I then thought about that incident. I didn't stammer once. I went off like a geyser and as hateful, loud and over-the-top as it was, the language flowed out completely effortlessly. It's interesting to me because this indicates that there was something raw, pure and honest about what I was saying. However, the ability to feel intense things without acting out is an important skill. If I let my rage have it's way, it will get me into VERY SERIOUS TROUBLE. Right now I'm planning on moving to Vietnam, taking space and processing this among things thoroughly, but there's a voice in my head that says processing my rage isn't enough, expressing anger isn't enough, it wants me to completely and uninhibitedly unload everything on anyone I feel like has wronged me. I severed a relationship with a friend recently, but I did it in a respectful and classy sort of way. There's a part of me that still says I shouldn't have done it that way. That maybe, "you're a fucking douche bag and you represent everything that I hate was the way to go." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merrifield Posted April 16, 2015 Share Posted April 16, 2015 At times, I am one to fumble for words, but have heard the words flow brilliantly from my mind when I've occasioned to speak honestly, passionately, and without restraint on subjects I deeply care about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BaylorPRSer Posted April 17, 2015 Author Share Posted April 17, 2015 My rage must be a very important part of me then. It rarely gets heard by someone other than myself and therapist. I'm trying to get perspective on myself before I do any healing work with my parents, but part of me wants to discuss my rage with them more. Sometimes, I feel like they genuinely want to know and understand me and my rage, but other times not. I'm having a hard time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MMX2010 Posted April 17, 2015 Share Posted April 17, 2015 How old are you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merrifield Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 You should check out Stef's YouTube video rant "Screw Risk" from Thursday or Friday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BaylorPRSer Posted April 21, 2015 Author Share Posted April 21, 2015 How old are you? 26. You should check out Stef's YouTube video rant "Screw Risk" from Thursday or Friday. Will do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MMX2010 Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 26. I find it odd that you told them, "I'm moving to Vietnam; my decision is final." (and maybe) "I don't want to hear reasons why I should or shouldn't." At 26, you're more than old enough to move there first, and then tell them. So why did you tell them? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kathryn Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Has your rage ever manifested in a way that wasn't just yelling? Like throwing, breaking things, or hitting someone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Better Future Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 My very controversial opinion is that anger arises from ignorance. It sounds like you want people to understand you and then become enraged when they don't. I discuss my views with people quite often and most of the time I'm seen as a complete nut case. I don't get angry about it because it's exactly what I expect. I understand that most people will completely reject my views. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Crowe Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 @BaylorPRSer Wow, that's amazing. Your dad is lucky he didn't get his ass beaten. Anyway, what do you think the rage is trying to teach you, if anything? Do you feel an urge to isolate yourself? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ashe Oro Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I too have a lot of rage and it manifests in several different ways; anger, spite, and feelings of revenge when I think ppl are trying to hurt me. Can you recommend any podcasts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MMX2010 Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 My very controversial opinion is that anger arises from ignorance. It sounds like you want people to understand you and then become enraged when they don't. I share your opinion. That's why I asked why BaylorPRSer told his parents that he was moving to Vietnam and didn't want to hear any of their opinions about it. My ACE score is four, so we both agree that my parents were abusive assholes. But I would never tell them that I was moving 10 time zones away and didn't want to hear their opinions. Because even though my parents are assholes, this declaration does nothing excepts really hurts their feelings and provokes them into giving me the opinions I claim not to want. Hence, the provocation is manipulative and my words are lies, and why lie to abusive assholes when you can just ignore them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BaylorPRSer Posted May 22, 2015 Author Share Posted May 22, 2015 I find it odd that you told them, "I'm moving to Vietnam; my decision is final." (and maybe) "I don't want to hear reasons why I should or shouldn't." At 26, you're more than old enough to move there first, and then tell them. So why did you tell them? A lot of things are coming up for me when I read this. First, not telling them is an act of someone who has truly broken from his family. I think a part of me wanted to avoid the grief one experiences when completely breaking like that. The act of taking space and telling my parents I wanted to curtail all phone/email conversations and our time together triggered so much grief that I could see how my mind would not want to experience the inevitable grief even more intensely. Second, they do have decent advice from time to time (I just only wanted it in certain areas, not the reasons why I should or shouldn't go). Third, they still pay for my cell phone. I get paid shit at my current job and they want me to have cell service so they can contact me. This will discontinue when I go to Vietnam, but it's something relevant. Has your rage ever manifested in a way that wasn't just yelling? Like throwing, breaking things, or hitting someone? I've hit my brother on the back of the head before when he was insulting me/making fun of me. One time my Dad insulted me, and I became so overwhelmed with rage that I grabbed a potato and threw it against the wall making it explode. I share your opinion. That's why I asked why BaylorPRSer told his parents that he was moving to Vietnam and didn't want to hear any of their opinions about it. My ACE score is four, so we both agree that my parents were abusive assholes. But I would never tell them that I was moving 10 time zones away and didn't want to hear their opinions. Because even though my parents are assholes, this declaration does nothing excepts really hurts their feelings and provokes them into giving me the opinions I claim not to want. Hence, the provocation is manipulative and my words are lies, and why lie to abusive assholes when you can just ignore them? I was being manipulative. After reading this, I realize I was trying to milk more money out of them. I decided to get TESOL certified in a live classroom. The certification was super expensive. I did indeed get $800 for my birthday to put towards the certification. My very controversial opinion is that anger arises from ignorance. It sounds like you want people to understand you and then become enraged when they don't. I discuss my views with people quite often and most of the time I'm seen as a complete nut case. I don't get angry about it because it's exactly what I expect. I understand that most people will completely reject my views. I think I do have a certain attachment to people understanding me. I don't really know what it means to be understood or if I ever have been understood. I know that it doesn't make sense to cling to an outcome (people understanding you) that you have so little control over, but it's a habit I suppose. @BaylorPRSer Wow, that's amazing. Your dad is lucky he didn't get his ass beaten. Anyway, what do you think the rage is trying to teach you, if anything? Do you feel an urge to isolate yourself? I don't know what it's trying to teach me. That some relationships are beyond saving? That my family, Christianity, and the public school system have robbed me so deeply that they have incurred an insurmountable debt, which they have absolutely no intention of repaying, so maybe it's saying to take what's mine by any means necessary? I honestly don't know what action steps it wants me to take. All of the ones I can think of will get me into trouble. I think my rage may be part of what's driving my decision to move. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaviesMa Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 BayloPRSer, I wouldn't be too hard on yoursellf. I presume that you had a pretty rough childhood so getting angry at your parents and asserting yourself in such a strong way is in some ways, a healthy response and very understandable. If we feel bullied then it is natural to want to hit back at the bully. The fact that you used rage to try to surpress their opinions suggests that their opinions still matter to you, which actually means that their approval still matters to you. I would suggest that you see their opinions as an attack on you and your rage as self defence, which in turn suggests that your mind still thinks that you are younger than 26 and still dependent on them, (which I suppose to an extent, you are financially.) I am talking off the top of my head here but expressing rage may mean that your unconscious sees you as a teenager in relation to them where you are not so helpless as to be physically defenceless but not so independent as to be able to walk away. The fact that you feel that your rage was to manipulate them then makes sense, as a teenager may use this as a self defence mechanism to get his needs met when he cannot yet meet them himself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BaylorPRSer Posted May 26, 2015 Author Share Posted May 26, 2015 Indeed. There is an unavoidable incongruence that's happening as a result of my current dependencies. I can't feel like an adult to the extent that I would if I was fully separated physically, intellectually and financially. I'll keep working toward it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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