Is it time to break a promise to the ex?

[Merrifield]

My ex and I divorced when my son was very young. Neither her nor I were what anyone would consider religious. When I became an athiest, I told her. She insisted, I did not try and influence him in matters of spirituality. I went along with her and was ok with it as long as she wasn't influencing him in favor of religion. He's 19 now and has a girlfriend who comes from a very religious family. It's like he has fallen head over heels for her and her religion. He has even gotten baptized by her church with her father assisting the preacher.

I thought I was doing the right thing leaving him alone to find his own path.

I feel I've let him down and failed as a parent.

I fear talking to him about it now, being certain it would drive a wedge between us.

I'm seeking advice.

[RicardoMata]

First of all, It feels to me that you have an OBLIGATION to make your son an atheist which defeats the purpose of parenthood which is to let the offspring decide on its own.

Why are you certain it would drive a wedge between you and him ? Did you raise him to be an independent, logical thinker ?  Could you elaborate a little more on that please ?

Another area i'd like to adress is that fact that your son might have been pussy blinded and he's putting up with the illogical religion to get access to the eggs.... so did you teach him that men can, and will, most of the times, be pussy blinded ?

 

I await your responses....

[Matthew Ed Moran]

How often do you and your son discuss your views and his views on religion? Have you been honest about your views and what you find convincing about atheism? If you think he has an illogical view about religion, do you state your disagreement and try to help him understand why you think his argument is invalid?

 

To me, the idea that you can promise not to have an influence over your son about something is a bit absurd. You are his father, and by being this, you are basically the most influential person in his life for the first two decades he is alive, along with his mother. You bring him into the world, you teach him, he learns basically the most important ideas about relationships and love and philosophy from you as he grows up. The idea that you can abdicate yourself from this role to me sounds absurd - if there are certain areas you aren't honest with him about, and are withholding your opinions on, it almost highlights the issue and says "don't be honest about this." Kids are very perceptual and sensitive to information about their parents.

 

To me it seems like you have taught him to make promises to satisfy the comfort of others, at the sacrifice of being honest to the ones you love and have created obligations towards. It seems you have appeased your wife at the expense of offering what is a very important perspective about a very important topic to your son. Now it seems he might be replicating that example with his girlfriend, by diving into religious superstitions for the sake of eggs.

 

I don't know what you should say or how you should bring this up (probably should find a way to make sure it is about him and his feelings), but I think you threaten to lose the respect of your son if you do not bring this up. It seems his respect for you has already taken a hit given that he is going towards religion and knows you are an atheist, but that doesn't mean there is nothing you can do. Maybe a counselor can help you through this. Also, you might want to call up Stef.

 

Best wishes

[PatrickC]

Another area i'd like to adress is that fact that your son might have been pussy blinded and he's putting up with the illogical religion to get access to the eggs.... so did you teach him that men can, and will, most of the times, be pussy blinded ?

 

Adding to this, this is where you can be your most effective as a man and father I think. I had some half decent male role models, but man they could have been better, particularly my father. Looking for his back where it's needed, particularly with the ladies in his life.

 

Ask him questions about his girlfriend. Is she a good person. How does he consider beauty over the virtue of being with a good mother for his children. Talk about your own failures in past relationships, particularly the one with his mother.

 

There are so many things to discuss with him before atheism I feel. Connect with his life in a way that is meaningful and helpful to him. Somebody that he can admire and turn to when he needs genuine male guidance.

[Lens]

What a difficult situation that can be!! Religion is a symptom of much suffering inside. In my view becoming atheist should not be a goal but it is a logical outcome when you begin to see the truth, so in regards to your son the goal should not be to ask him to leave religion but to ask him what hurt him the most in his childhood and try to help him to face it. But if he chooses to not to listen to you then you should respect his wish because we cannot force people to open their eyes forcing your son to do something that pleases you will only serve your needs to feel relieved from your guilt feelings as a parent.

[Merrifield]

Thank you all replying.

I hope this sheds more light and answers your questions.

 

Ricardo, I don't feel obligated to make my son anything. I feel responsible to guide him and not indoctrinate him. I came to atheism as the consequence of studying the christian bible, similar to how Lens describes. Matthew, Atheism was new to me when the ex and I had the discussion which resulted in me agreeing to avoid the subject. I found it a difficult time, a time of debate with believers, and a time of ending relationships with friends. As a side, I also made a friend of an elderly atheist who hadn't had a relationship with his wife and daughter for 30 years as a result of his atheism. I did not want to have the fight with the ex and as I stated in OP as long as she wasn't pushing religion I could accept it. I have never actually told him I am an atheist. This is my regret, that I chose a pacifist route when it was important to have taken an activist route. I cannot undo what I've not done but I may be able to help him if I go about it right.

 

Ricardo, I misspoke. I'm not certain it would drive a wedge between us. In the past, I have lost relationships because of the difference of opinion in regards to religion.

What I should have said is:

Although, I used to be fairly certain that I had equipped my son with critical thinking skills, I fear the possibility of it driving a wedge between us.

 

I believe Ricardo and Patrick have gotten to the root. I have never felt the need to change myself to fit into a woman's mold and have tried to instill the same in him. I have seen it happen, but regarded those guys as shallow. By shallow, I mean a person whom, in the spirit of fitting in, is not committed to anything beyond outward appearance. I believe his mother to be pretty shallow and I am now pondering the possibility that he is taking a shallow approach to religion. He knows I am not religious and doesn't bring religion up around me, doesn't try to indoctrinate his younger siblings, and doesn't invite my wife and I to church.

If he was changing his image to fit into her drug abuser lifestyle, her leftist lifestyle, or her vegan lifestyle I think this would be much simpler.

[Merrifield]

Sorry, the last post took so long. I was having technical issues.