My parent's warned me of crazy and I ignored them. What does it mean?

[kerou]

To give context: I just got out of what can be called, quite frankly, a dysfunctional relationship. The relationship lasted for 4 years and we were engaged.

 

My parent's never approved of her, not because of any status. In fact, they quite liked her on first meeting. But a second or third meeting with her, they told me they don't like her. They didn't like the way she spoke to me (often times belittling), what she spoke about (usually money or shopping) or her attitude (better than thou). They made this clear to me and they made this quite clear to her as well.

 

Nonetheless I continued in my pussy-blindness. I still think she wasn't intentionally manipulative, but an objective hind-sight view shows me that whether she meant to be or not--she was incredibly manipulative of me and I fell for it hook-line and sinker.

 

When I wanted to marry her, I asked my parent for their blessing and they denied it. I was very upset about this--almost to where I was going to elope with her. But they and my brother talked me out of it. 6 months into the engagement and I found out she had been cheating on me as well as a whole slew of other hidden issues.

 

I swiftly end the relationship.

 

Our last conversation together had to do with my parents. She bitched and moaned about how they were never welcoming to her and they always hated her and how I was 'a momma's boy' (an insult she frequently used despite the fact that it is quite untrue).

 

So I'm left here in with the pieces 6 months later and it's all starting to make sense. But one thing I am struggling with is WHY I didn't listen to my parents or my brother when they warned me of her.

I'm trying to think through my childhood--between my brother and me, I was always the 'rebellious' one (though my version of rebellion was about as mild as you could get with the term). I was never spanked, yelled at or abused. Always well fed and had my emotions tended to. My father was a stay at home dad until I was 11 or 12--and he was the largest opponent of my relationship with this woman.

 

I've done a lot of self work, journaling and have talked extensively about the failure with my family. But the one thing I can't understand is why, in the moment, I refused to listen or heed my parent's warning on this subject.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on the matter?

[luxfelix]

How did your wider social circle react to your relationship?

[bitcoin]

First of all, I am really sorry you were in such a toxic relationship. Have you pursued therapy? It is possible that part of the relationship was / has been a pattern (with your parents / your mother & yourself / etc.) and that your parents may not have been so fond of her regardless. Anyways, just my brief thoughts. It would be interesting to explore further.

[J. D. Stembal]

You mentioned briefly that the accusation of Mama's Boy isn't true. How would you describe your relationship with your mother? I believe her influence would have a lot more bearing on your decision to marry a manipulative woman. What did your mother explicitly say about your ex-fiancee?

[Mister Mister]

Have you posed this question to your parents?

[Lingum]

Some questions pop up in my mind:
 

• Do you trust your parents judgement? You mentioned that you were rebellious as a kid.
• Do your parents know what you want in life and care about? I ask this, because a lot of parents give advice without knowing anything about their childrens' inner life. Instead, they use advice to mold the child into what they want.
• Did they warn you about dysfunctional women earlier in life?
• How is your parents' relationship?
• Do you think they opposed your relationship because it lacked what they have, or because they recognized parts of their relationship in yours?

I think it would also be helpful if you described your mother; how she behaves in conflicts, what she fills her days with, what she cares about etc.

 

I'm glad to hear you're out of this relationship and fog now.

[kerou]

So I'll give a brief but hopefully useful summary of my family, specifically my father and mother. Hopefully this will answer everyone's questions in some form

 

I come from a biracial family, my father is white, my mother is Chinese. My father grew up in a despicably abusive household where his father would consistently fist fight his sons and beat them unconscious. I've never met my grandfather because of this (my dad cut all ties and contact with his side of the family). My dad became a stay at home dad and later on a business owner.

My mother was born in America and her parents came to America from China during the red army takeover. My grandma and grandpa were childhood friends and business partners who escaped by strapping gold to their bodies and going to Taiwan and then coming to America. My grandparents from my Asian side have been the most influential forces of non violence in my life. My father had taken a stand of nonviolence due to his own past but had a tendency of raising his voice and yelling at my older brother (before I was born). According to him, it was my grandparents that helped him control his voice and be more peaceful--to which I am incredibly grateful. It is also worth noting that my grandparents have a very unusual distain for culture, specifically Chinese culture and mysticism.

 

Now on to my mom. My mom is quite frankly, simple. I've never seen her wear make up a day in my life. She take 5 mins to get ready and outfit of choice is a tshirt 5 times too large. She's also incredibly smart, she went to MIT when she was 15.

I am very close to my parents and they were foundational in my world view (my dad being a libertarian and my mom a minarchist) they taught my brother and I very early on about negotiation and free market values. Also hugs were our main currency as kids. I remember as a kid thinking my parents have the best hugs. It is also noteworthy, I have never seen my parents yell or fight with each other. They've had disagreements but I don't remember those ever being a painful thing.

 

I had mentioned that between my brother and I, I was the more rebellious one. To give more light into that statement, an example is that when I was about to go to college we were discussing what would be good career paths for me. My mom thought I'd make an excellent programmer, I wanted to be a civil engineer. My mom thought that the engineering curriculum might be difficult and I wouldn't enjoy the work so she suggested architecture, as it's slightly easier and more creative. This made me of course double down and go into engineering to prove that could do it, and I did. Though I ended up switching from civil to environmental due to the difficulty of the structural engineering courses. So in a way she was right, but I'm still proud of my achievement (it's also worthy noting that I was very young when I went to college because I hated high school so much I decided to work hard and graduate early. So I was 16 when I went to college). In contrast, my brother wanted to be a doctor, my mom told his that being a doctor is generally very miserable and riddled with debt, so she suggested being a dentist instead. He accepted that compromise and is generally very happy with his career.

However, one failing I must attribute to them as parents was the general lack of preparation for the dating world. I remember as a kid them telling me that the person you choose to marry is the most important decision of your life, but that's the extent of it.

 

Now on to my relationship. My parents were both equally opposed to it. It wasn't until I started dating her that my dad told me about his past relationships and how this woman reminded him of someone he used to date--she was petty and materialistic. I however, ignored his warning believing that my ex was not like that at all. My mom was less upfront about the disproval because she didn't want to tell me what and what not to do, but she would constantly tell me things that made her uneasy about our relationship and things that I should watch for. In general, they were both very cold to her.

 

As for what I saw in this woman, I saw a determination that I found attractive. This is not a defense of her but I would like to point out that I gained a lot from our relationship, I just kept it going for too long. And yes she was manipulative, and I should have realized that. I had all the warning signs, people telling me and consciousness to know that. In hindsight it's clear to see that the sex was why I stayed--and it was very good sex.

 

I have been recently talking about this destruction and collapse with my parents, and I am grateful there is no 'I told you so's being flung my way, we are generally confused as to why I didn't listen. My mom thinks itself because I rarely ever listen unless there is a very strong logical case made and she admits that they failed to make a logical case. They just cited traits that they thought were worrisome and and told me personal anecdotal stories. There may be some validity in that, but something tells me that anything short of slapping me with my own penis would not have been enough and I'm struggling to find out why.

 

Sorry for the lengthy summary, hopefully this answered some of your questions. If not let me know

[Susana]

So do you think I'd your parents had done a perfect job? perfect peaceful parents that you would never be rebellious as in never do something they don't agree with?

So do you think If your parents had done a perfect job? perfect peaceful parents that you would never be rebellious, as in never do something they don't agree with?

sorry, spell check

[Lens]

If you parents were right does not mean they were right all the time especially during your childhood years. A bad person who view himself good can very well tell you "don't go with bad people". Psychopaths view themselves as "good people" it's surreal sometimes the level of denial. The best way is to trust your feelings and yes bad people sometimes can be right this does not mean they are wise.

[kerou]

So do you think I'd your parents had done a perfect job? perfect peaceful parents that you would never be rebellious as in never do something they don't agree with?

So do you think If your parents had done a perfect job? perfect peaceful parents that you would never be rebellious, as in never do something they don't agree with?

sorry, spell check

 

 

If you parents were right does not mean they were right all the time especially during your childhood years. A bad person who view himself good can very well tell you "don't go with bad people". Psychopaths view themselves as "good people" it's surreal sometimes the level of denial. The best way is to trust your feelings and yes bad people sometimes can be right this does not mean they are wise.

 

I might be missing something, but I don't understand what either one of you are trying to say.

Can you try rephrasing your thoughts?

[J. D. Stembal]

Thank you for the insights about your brother, father and mother, Kerou.

 

As for what I saw in this woman, I saw a determination that I found attractive. This is not a defense of her but I would like to point out that I gained a lot from our relationship, I just kept it going for too long. And yes she was manipulative, and I should have realized that. I had all the warning signs, people telling me and consciousness to know that. In hindsight it's clear to see that the sex was why I stayed--and it was very good sex.

 

It is clear that your parents have been very positively influential in your life with regard to education and career, but why do you think that the area of sexual relations was specifically neglected? Does your brother also have trouble dating?

 

My sexual education was my mother throwing a library book at me and running out of the room while I was busy doing homework. I have a theory that the reason my parents couldn't talk to me about sex was because they mutilated my genitals when I was too young to give consent, which philosophically, I find to be no different from criminal sexual child abuse.

[Lens]

My previous thoughts were about manipulative parents that they can be right sometimes but they lack wisdom, that was my idea because I presumed your parents were abusive to you in childhood. I read your second post it looks like you had good parents so I do not know why you chose a bad relationship. I can tell you that only you can know why you chose that girl and you can do that thru self-knowledge and journaling. I am sure it will help you to avoid painful relationships in the future.